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Handing over religion 'duties' to grandparents?

CharissadeatsCharissadeats member
in May 2016 Moms
Hello ladies.

DH and I are both non church goers. We are not against God or religion, but have a different opinion than most of our friends and especially my family. We like to question stuff, and they don't - and let's leave it at that as I don't want to offend anyone. :)

My question is - would it be normal to hand over religion duties to my mother? And has anyone done this before?

I feel that it would be hypocrytical of me to take my baby to church if I don't go. DH and I decided a long time ago that our children would not be forced to be religious if they don't want to be. But surely it's unfair if they don't get to experience church in order to make a decision?

Can anyone relate to this? Or has anyone had to deal with something similar?
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Re: Handing over religion 'duties' to grandparents?

  • khochanadelkhochanadel member
    I can totally relate. In laws are catholic, so is my mother (she was against me doing ivf), and dad is an evangelical.

    DH and I had religion shoved down our throats so much as kids we are turned off from it as adults. It's not something we have talked about, but it's my opinion that I want my children to make their own decisions about faith.

    I also believe that parents can raise their kids to be "good without God". For us, both of our parents are too far away to delegate religious upbringing, but I wouldn't want to even if they weren't because of how bad they pushed it on me.
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  • BuzzBee614BuzzBee614 member
    Some of my fondest memories are of going to church with my grandmother. I loved going to church with her.

    My brother, however, did not. He did not like sitting still and never really got the significance of it. He and my parents went on holidays.

    I am not an attending church goer right now, only on holidays, but I would very much love it if my daughter chooses to go with either of her grandmothers. Ultimately, you are the parent and religion is your choice. My opinion is I would see what my children's personalities are and how it works for them.
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  • rlworzallarlworzalla member
    DH has a very religious mother (we opted out of an outdoor wedding as she would have had a heart attack if it wasn't in a church). I was forced to go through Confirmation (both DH and I are Catholic).

    I've become much less church-going in recent years and DH mentions every once in awhile that he would like to go but we never do. We will likely baptize but more out of obligation to family I guess. I'd like my children to have the option to choose their own path too though.

    Do what is comfortable with you. People will judge or offer other opinions but it's your child :) and they can always change their minds when they get older!
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  • CharissadeatsCharissadeats member
    My sister had a huge fight with me, which was so random since I spoke about how DH and I aren't traditional in the sense that we celebrate Easter or Christmas. I basically said I wonder if we will start now with little one on the way since I have fond holiday memories as a child.

    She then said, and I kid you not, that if I don't baptise, my child will go to hell.

    I was fuming because how can anyone condemn an innocent like that?
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  • cortney626cortney626 member
    My husband and I are not religious at all. My daughter has gone to church with her grandma (my exMIL). My daughter also went to a Christian preschool, plays sports through a church league where they pray before and after games. I want my daughter to make up her own mind and she can have her own relationship with God. My husband grew up going to Christian schools. Now I'd say we question some things. But we're not opposed to my daughter being exposed to some religion. I'd actually prefer her to be exposed to a variety of different religions, cultures, etc.
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  • mschill22mschill22 member
    I struggle with the same problem. My husband was raised Mormon and I was raised Methodist (when we attended church). My mom was raised strict Catholic and didn't want to force religion down our throats but wanted us to experience it. I have done a lot of research into what I want for my child and I want them to grow up with morals and principles, to have an open-heart, be open-minded and understanding. After a lot of research, I decided to start attending a United Universalist church, they don't preach doctrine as they accept all faiths and I'm actually learning a lot about other cultures and faiths by attending. It might be worth checking out for you.
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  • jessiedee13jessiedee13 member
    My husband and I don't attend church. I was raised catholic and it never felt like that was the church for me. My husband attended a church of christ growing up and he enjoyed it then. I've been to that church and it's definitely not for me. My oldest loves going to church though so he goes with his grandmother every week. My youngest is still in the "it's too quiet so I'm just gonna start screaming" stage so she doesn't take him just yet, but has said several times she'd like to. And that's fine with me. Attending church we leave up to my mother in law. Anything like baptism or when confirmation comes around, that's stuff we take care of. It is important to me to have my children baptized as babies, so I make sure that gets done and is done properly. But actually attending church, it's not for me or my husband. So grandma and grandpa will take them.
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  • lest12lest12 member

    I am in a different but semi-similar situation, but just wanted to say that I think it is great that you still want to give your kids exposure to the church even if it's not your thing.

     

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  • CharissadeatsCharissadeats member
    I love reading all this. Thank you wonderful ladies so much!
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  • mrstmoosemrstmoose member
    I'm Catholic and DH is unsure. That being said, we decided before we got married that we wanted to raise our kids Catholic. 

    But my opinion is this, if you want your child to experience church (whichever religion it may be), I would go with him/her so they can ask you questions instead of a grandparent *potentially* forcing the religion onto them. I would also wait until he/she is a little older so they can begin to understand the concept of religion. I obviously don't know everything about your situation but I would be very literal with your mother about your expectations. Just my 2 cents. 
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  • kbrands7kbrands7 member
    mrstmoose said:
    I'm Catholic and DH is unsure. That being said, we decided before we got married that we wanted to raise our kids Catholic. 

    But my opinion is this, if you want your child to experience church (whichever religion it may be), I would go with him/her so they can ask you questions instead of a grandparent *potentially* forcing the religion onto them. I would also wait until he/she is a little older so they can begin to understand the concept of religion. I obviously don't know everything about your situation but I would be very literal with your mother about your expectations. Just my 2 cents. 
    This is the situation with DH and myself. DH believes in God, but is more comfortable with the idea that religions are both interrelated, and flawed by man, and so does not prescribe to any one individual religion. I am Roman Catholic. We go to church (though not as often as we should) and DS is baptized. We plan to raise him within Catholicism, but each of us spent a lot of time as teenagers/young adults learning about other religions and we plan to encourage DS and our other child(ren) to do that same so that they can make an informed and heartfelt decision.
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  • lest12lest12 member

    I'll share our situation, too.  For the hell of it.

    I'm Catholic and DH is actively Atheist (has a lot of conviction about this).  We realized this presented a problem when we were engaged.  It was/is very important to me to raise my children Catholic... And A) not only did DH have to agree to it but B) how would kids understand that Dad believed something differently?

    So we agreed to something similar to @kbrands7.  We would raise our kids Catholic, but always teach them that other people have different beliefs, including their mom and dad, and that's ok.  When they get to a certain age, they should follow what they believe in anyway, so why not teach them to be tolerant and open-minded from the beginning? 

    It worked because DH was comfortable enough with Christianity in general that even if he doesn't believe in God, he doesn't disagree with the values that comes along with Catholicism (although as a feminist, sometimes I question them myself! and that's OK too.)

    I think it will be tricky at times but we'll give it our best shot and hopefully not mess them up too much. 

     

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  • cmokstucmokstu member

    My husband and I are not religious (my mom is Mormon, dad is Agnostic, hubby's mom is Jewish, dad is Catholic).  We both experienced quite a wide spectrum of religion growing up and made the decision that it wasn't for us.  None of the parents shoved anything down our throats though, they wanted us to make our own decisions.   

    I think one of the best ways I experienced religion was going to church with my girlfriends (Episcopalian, Catholic, and Lutheran).  I enjoyed the experience and it opened by eyes, despite the fact I decided it wasn't for me.  That could be a great way for your child to learn about different faiths if you aren't planning to take them yourself. 

    We are planning to continue traditions in our family though they probably won't have the religious undertones of their origins (Christmas, Hanukkah, etc).

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  • BlueJuiceBlueJuice member
    DH and I were both raised Catholic but are now both non-religious (well, I'm sort of polytheistically agnostic, while he is more an atheist), but I consider religious education to still be an important element of our children's upbringing. We try to have books around the house that respectfully explain the belief structures of different world religions, and where possible, I want our kids to be able to attend services or holiday celebrations and the like for different faiths so that they can have some familiarity and experience with these things. Although I do not belong to any particular religion now, I feel strongly that respect for religions is important, which includes treating all people with respect, and also understanding and being able to behave appropriately in a ceremony or service. There are always going to be weddings, funerals, and other 'mandatory' religious occasions that, even if they aren't personally meaningful for you, you will want to attend out of respect for friends or family members for whom they are meaningful. We are working on this (our oldest is only 5 now), but already she has attended Catholic marriage, baptism, and funeral services, Pagan/Wiccan marriage ceremonies, and... that might be about it, yet. Catholic services are the easiest to expose her to because of our family background, obviously, so we intend to make some more effort to find ways of getting her to other kinds of churches and faiths. With grandparents, you have to trust your gut... my parents are very respectful of the fact that we don't practice, and have asked our permission to take our DD with them to church on a Sunday morning when she is sleeping over Saturday night. My in-laws are somewhat more pushy about things so I haven't really been comfortable with that, yet.
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  • Pascal86Pascal86 member
    My parents tried taking us to church a little bit, but we weren't into it, so they gave up - they're from the south, so it was a social thing more than a religious thing for them, and once they got to the PNW, realized it's not quite the same up here. I got curious about things in high school though, and went to a church group that explored a lot of kinds of churches, it was pretty cool.

    So now, not being religious or having a religious family, but being married to someone who believes in God and has pretty religious parents, I welcome the idea of all kinds of people teaching my kids about their beliefs and backgrounds. My goal is to raise open-minded and curious people, so I'm not worried about anything being forced on anyone, and I think the more information they have to formulate their own beliefs/skepticism/curiosity, the better.
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  • CharissadeatsCharissadeats member
    mrstmoose said:

    I'm Catholic and DH is unsure. That being said, we decided before we got married that we wanted to raise our kids Catholic. 


    But my opinion is this, if you want your child to experience church (whichever religion it may be), I would go with him/her so they can ask you questions instead of a grandparent *potentially* forcing the religion onto them. I would also wait until he/she is a little older so they can begin to understand the concept of religion. I obviously don't know everything about your situation but I would be very literal with your mother about your expectations. Just my 2 cents. 
    If I took them I'd be scared to show my obvious prejudice which might shape their opinion as well, which is what I fear :)

    But I do get what you're saying - especially about questions. I'll have to think about this. You make lots of valid points.

    Thanks for your honest answer!
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  • JoMunsonJoMunson member
    As a religious person (I teach Sunday school twice a month at my church) I can say I am not offended by your question. You are recognizing that there is a cultural element to religion and spirituality and you want your children to be exposed to that--I think that's awesome! Our church doesn't do baby baptisms for the same reason. It's important for young adults to make their own informed decisions about choosing to or not to accept Christ as a personal savior and follow His commands (or whatever else you might wanna do!). It is wonderful that you're giving your kids the opportunity to choose.
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  • Sienna516Sienna516 member
    Funny this topic comes up. I just mentioned to my mom the other day that we decided we wouldn't be baptizing our baby. I was raised Catholic and hate it, finally got my parents to listen that I didn't want to be confirmed and quit the program right before I was done. My husband didn't have much of a religious upbringing. So both of us identify as agnostic. As many others have echoed on this thread, if our child should choose to be religious, we will help them explore their beliefs and encourage them to go to church (probably with my mom). My mom changed to a non-denominational church, so I feel at least this is better than Catholic. My mom was concerned about holidays, and it's like we'll tell the child the background on the holiday and why it's important to some people. But to me, holidays are more about celebrating time together as a family and fun traditions. I'm glad to hear so many other people that are raising their kids to think for themselves about religion. Here's a recent article about non-religious children being more giving: https://time.com/money/4102817/religion-charity-generous-punishment-children/ 

    Together 11/2008
    Married 9/29/2012
    BFP #1 8/26/15
    EDD 5/6/2016
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  • PregghersPregghers member
    I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. You get to decide how you want your child raised, and if you want your child raised religious and you think your mother is the person best to teach religion, go for it.
    Here's what we plan on doing. We were both raised Catholic and both independently left the church and became atheist. Our plan is to teach the child about all religions, and if the grandparents want to teach Catholicism as one of the possible world religions, that's fine. What I will not accept is someone telling my child that one religion is correct and all other religions are wrong. And I will draw that line with the grandparents very early on.
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  • thismakes4thismakes4 member
    DH and I were both raised with Christianity except my church was a cult (too much to try and explain so I won't get into it). I used to try other churches and liked them just fine but mine was definitely off. DH and I don't mind our children being exposed to a variety of beliefs and religions, in fact we encourage it. We figure one thing might work for one and not for another. I'm okay with that. I wouldn't ever force religion onto my kids. I think religion offers some very good morals and teachings to learn from as well as teaching people they are a part of something bigger in the universe.

    So to answer your question... No, I wouldn't hand over religion duties to my mom. I didn't like how religion was forced on us and would hate for her to do the same thing to my kids. Although I wouldn't mind them going to church with grandma. But that is based off of my own personal experience, yours may be completely different. I also think your lo may start asking grandma questions that may be hard to answer... like "why doesn't mommy go to church?"
    DS #1 2010
    DS #2 2011
    DS #3 2014
    DS #4 2016
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