So I guess I belong here now...

NamelessAria · November 2015

Hey everyone,

I never thought I'd be on this forum but here I am. DH and I had been talking about having children but it never seemed to be the right time. DH always wanted to wait till we were more settled (even though we own our own home and such already) and had more savings. When we got home from traveling for the holidays in January 2015 we had the "let's have a baby" talk and decided we'd start "trying." I suppose at the time I thought "trying" just meant you weren't preventing any longer. August comes and still no BFP so we have the talk about how maybe we should be more active in our TTC efforts. I ordered a BBT, some OPKs and all the other items needed to put in a good solid effort. My beloved grandpa passed on September 10th and DH and I realized the longer it takes us to have children the more people in our lives that we love my very well not be around for it. I was so incredibly, and unexpectedly, frustrated and sad that we hadn't gotten our BFP and we'd never be able to share the joy and excitement with my grandpa. After only 2 months of temping, charting and using OPKs we finally got our BFP on Oct. 16.

I couldn't even believe my eyes when I tested and saw a positive. I immediately called DH into the room to confirm I wasn't just seeing what I wanted to see and there was actually a second line. The line was pretty faint so DH wasn't 100% sure we should be excited yet although it was clearly positive. A week or so went by and the line got progressively darker and finally DH accepted it was real and was excited with me. We immediately started to plan when/how we're announce to our families. We'd planned to tell his family over Thanksgiving when they came to visit. We were going to tell my family at Christmas. It was the earlier we'd be able to see my family since they live far away and we wanted to tell them in person. We'd started planning what the nursery would look like and we'd started discussing baby names.

This past Thursday, November 5th, I woke up and noticed my pregnancy symptoms, few as they were, had vanished. All I was really experiencing was usually bad cramping. I tried to reassure myself that cramping during the first trimester is normal. Symptoms taking a "break" is normal. I told myself that the general lack of symptoms I'd had so far was normal and plenty of women don't have morning sickness and such and still go on to have healthy babies. By around 6pm I'd started spotting. It wasn't much and it was brown so I was cautiously optimistic. I woke up the next morning and I was "spotting" bright red blood. And it really seemed like too much to be called "spotting." I called my doctor and was assured spotting/light bleeding can be perfectly normal and not to worry. By that afternoon I'd started cramping and the blood had dark clots in it. "They're still really small clots" I told myself. "I'm not cramping as bad as period cramps." I reassured myself. This morning I woke up to severe cramping. I had to go lay down because even sitting in a chair was just too painful. I was also bleeding a decidedly period-like amount. I took a nap and hoped I'd wake up to something encouraging. When I woke up I noticed the cramps had gone away. I was suddenly somewhat hopeful... until I went to the bathroom. I passed some globs of tissue, with a lot of blood. I realized that's probably why I'm not cramping anymore. My body had already done it's job and didn't need to be cramping now.

I'll call my doctor on Monday and see if there is anything I need to do to "confirm" the miscarriage. Or if there is any needed follow up care. I feel so lost and confused. And heartbroken, so absolutely and completely heartbroken.

queenklau · November 2015

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words anyone can say to make you feel better.
Just know that we have been/are going through this terrible ordeal and are here for you to vent, relate and support you no matter what you are feeling. Also, time will heal this emotional wound and it will get easier progressively. Though, you will never be the same. Take it one day at a time and know that we are here.

I understand this isn't a club any of us wants to belong to, but these group of ladies here, in this forum, helped me get through my first mc. I don't know what I would have done without them.

tinypikachu · November 2015

Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this. This is so damn unfair and painful. I am so incredibly sorry that this is happening to you. I can't believe we went from being so happy and loving our BMB to losing a future. I will be praying for you and your husband. I hope you get a beautiful rainbow baby soon. I'm sorry, my heart goes out to you.

m6agua · November 2015

I am so sorry for your loss. I found out Tuesday that I would have a miscarriage and it just happened today as well. I know my doctor was going to track my HCG down.

silentP · November 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss. It just plain sucks. I am going through my second MC in 4 months and I have to literally take it 1 hour at a time, or else I might go crazy. I hope the best for you in the future and that there will be a baby in your arms before long.

diane2218 · November 2015

I am so sorry to hear about your loss - I felt such a connection to your post as it is very similar to what happened to my husband and I. We had our positive home test on October 5, and HcG went up twice from then. I had a bit of brown spotting just like you for a day or so, but on Oct. 14 (about when you had your positive) I started bleeding more heavily with clots and we found that my HcG had dropped drastically - early miscarriage was confirmed.

We were planning to tell family over Christmas as well as both of my husband's sisters would have been in town. I was thinking just the other day how many weeks along we should be, how we should have an ultrasound picture, hear a heartbeat, but we aren't. I should be showing at the upcoming family Christmas parties, and we should be picking names. We would have been due June 8. We're both teachers - it would have been too perfect and we would have both been home those first few months. It's like the rug was pulled out from under us.

I truly feel for you and understand how you are feeling, and it's absolutely devastating. Your feeling are incredibly fresh right now, and I remember how I felt those first few days. Every day feels like forever. The though of waiting for your next cycle feels impossible and so far away. You're hurt, angry, and feeling punched in the gut - it's a shock and loss of what could and should have been. It seems so easy for everyone else - why did this happen to you? You feel empty and numb and broken. It's only been a few weeks for us, but I promise that you will start to feel better. You'll smile again and get back to life and while you won't forget this, you will move forward. I coped by learning as much as I could. I spent several hours sitting in the aisles at my library reading the books on miscarriage to learn what could I control, do I have any symptoms of a bigger problem, and what caused this to happen biologically. Information made me feel better, would that be something that helps you?

Ask your doctor to watch your HcG - I know that when mine officially hit 0 (just had the test a week ago, but I felt that it dropped prior) I had this official feeling of "Ok. Now I move forward." You may or may not need any other follow up. For me, it was just bloodwork to rule out an etopic or other complications. (I had experienced a fair amount of pain on one side, so it was a concern.) My symptoms are gone, my energy was back, and I have control of my body again. The emotions take much longer to heal. There will be good and bad days ahead, I'm sorry to report. Pregnant women will seem to come out of the woodwork, and you may find yourself feeling anger at them even though they really did nothing wrong. You're not alone in that.

We were able to start informally trying again after I started bleeding, as my doctor said my body did it's job and we should go back to normal. Much research I read said that our risk for this happening again is not any greater, and typically women who conceive a few months after miscarriage tend to have a better chance. I had already been using an OPK kit (we got a positive the first month we used the kit) and I ended up ovulating 21 days after I "count" my period, when the bleeding became heavier. We're not setting our hopes on it, but what will happen will happen.

Being through this just a few weeks before you, my advice is this: do what makes you feel in control. Read and learn, or don't. Clean your entire house top to bottom (that helped the first week for me), or don't. Scream out loud, cry, talk, don't talk - know yourself best and grieve how you need to grieve. Have a new appreciation for the world around you. Feel the sun on your back, sit outside and just watch people. Hug those you love. Cherish the human feelings you're experiencing - it shows how much you and your husband loved the child, and that's normal.

I wish the absolute best for you. Message me if you need anything, and remember that both of our chances for a healthy baby are incredibly good in the future.

NamelessAria · November 2015

Thank you everyone for the kind words. DH and I had decided not to tell anyone yet about the pregnancy so I don't really have anyone else to go to for support. DH is trying but he grieves differently than I do. He's more of the "play some video games, don't think about it, and have a good laugh about something on Reddit to get through the grief type." Not to say there is anything at all wrong with that. Everyone just has to do the best they can to cope in times like this and of course I understand that he's hurting also. But it leaves it hard for us to comfort each other since I'm more the "talk about and cry it out" type. We're both doing our best to get ourselves through the grief while also being respectful of the other person's grieving style but I won't lie and say it's easy. But then, I don't know how losing a baby that was so wanted and loved could be easy for anyone.

I very much appreciate everything. I'm so sorry that this same soul-crushing thing has happened to all of you. =((
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@AlwaysAuntNeverMom I definitely know what you mean when you say that this is all just so unfair. I was so excited to have made it to a birth month board. Seeing some people I'd started getting to know from the TTC board over on the BMB just made it that much better. I was telling DH yesterday how it seems to cruel and unfair that there are so many unwanted pregnancies every year that have to be terminated by choice with effort when at the same time women who struggled to conceive and desperately want the baby end up miscarrying despite having done all the right things to help ensure a healthy pregnancy. It just doesn't seem right. It just doesn't seem fair. It's like it's some cruel joke of fate.
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@silentP second in 4 months

I can't even imagine going through this again and certainly not that soon. I'm so sorry.
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@diane2218 You're right: our situations were very similar. I suspect the upcoming holidays are going to be very difficult.
You pretty much hit the nail on the head (so to speak) with how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm hoping that it starts to get easier. DH asked me this morning when he woke up (I was up a couple of hours before him) how I'm doing this morning and I said something like "Well I woke up at 7. It's 10 now. I've only dissolved into a puddle of tears 6 times so far." I don't feel like doing anything. I've barely eaten anything since this all started on Thursday. I have no idea how I'm supposed to deal with this. I'd told myself that I'd stay aware of the possibility that something could go wrong and then if it did it would somehow be easier. Yeah right. Nothing could have ever prepared me for this. No matter how much I thought I knew how this would feel; I didn't. It's so much worse than I imaged it could be.

I liked your idea about trying to educate myself on all this and learn as much as I can about it. Learning and knowing does seem to bring me some small bit of comfort. I'm hoping to have at least learned enough about all this by Monday when I call my doctor to have some ideas about what to say. Maybe what all is important to tell them before I break down into sobs and can't say anything else. Or perhaps what I should ask for in terms of figuring out what went wrong/how to prevent this in the future. I don't know. I don't know if there is anything I could say that would make someone want to investigate a cause for a first miscarriage.

I'll probably start stress cleaning the house once I feel a bit better. I'm still having some fairly painful cramps when I'm up and about trying to be too active. I'd had some cleaning projects I'd been meaning to get to but being pregnant it just hadn't been that easy. I was terrified of just about everything (what if the fumes are bad? What if some cleaning solution gets on my skin and ends up being bad for baby? What if I'm just doing too much today and that's bad somehow? etc.) But now I guess I don't have to worry about all that. On the bright side, I'll be way more productive around my house.
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I really hope we all get a healthy, take-home rainbow baby soon.

So I guess I belong here now...

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