My husband (and everyone else) making me feel guilty about not breastfeeding

danixbanani24 · November 2015

Let me start off by saying, I did try to breastfeed but I had a traumatic labor and baby has some issues so I've been super stressed and emotional. Long story short, I had a vaginal birth and a retained placenta. I was able to hold the baby for s few minutes after birth but then they whisked him away because I eventually had to go into the OR and get a dnc to remove the placenta. However, before that my doctor tried to manually remove it which was the worst pain ever in my life. My mother had to hold me down because I was screaming and trying to push the doctor off of me. Honestly that pain was worse than child birth. So they had to take me into OR but before they did they had to tell me this condition could result in a hysterectomy. Not something I wanted to hear after the birth of my first child. It was hours before I was able to see my son again. Once I got him I immediately asked for a lactation consultant. And asked and asked and asked. She never came. Some nurses tried to help me with my latch but he would just scream at my nipple. I finally just gave him a bottle because it was late afternoon and he was born in the morning. I was so frustrated, exhausted, weak, etc from birth I couldn't handle it. The lac consultant came at 7pm after hours of asking and at the end of her shift. All she did was rip my gown off, squeeze the hell out of my nipples and showed me two latches before leaving after like ten minutes maybe. Lastly, my son has possible hip dysplasia so they made me leave him an extra night in the hospital and I had to go home. That was the single worst day of my life after all the drama. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen like I was punched in the face. I kept trying on my own after that but never got him to latch or suckle at home. He would just scream and I was so over it. I tried pumping at home but to be honest it was so much work and I'd rather sit with my son and bond over a bottle than be milked like a dairy cow around the clock. I made my peace with formula feeding but my son did have about a week of colostrum. My husband however has done nothing but make me feel guilty that I didn't keep trying to BF. I've asked him to stop hounding me about it because obviously my hormones are all over the place and I feel like a terrible mother. Everyone asks are you breastfeeding? And I feel so judged when I say no. Is it wrong that I just don't want to? After ten months carrying this child, after the dramatic labor and delivery and we're still not out of the woods yet with the hip dysplasia is it so damn wrong to want my body for myself? I was formula fed, my husband was also, my pediatrician had no problem that were bottle feeding...why is it such a damn stigma to formula feed? My husband and I got into a big argument this morning because I'm "lazy" and would rather feed our baby chemicals than natural breast milk. I honestly think he is the lazy one as he has done nothing but complain about nighttime feedings and taking care of a newborn and I think he just doesn't want to have to do anything. I'm so tired, emotional, and now I feel guilty and am looking up how to restart breastfeeding but I feel so BITTER about it. Should I let my husband guilt me into it? I think it will ruin my bond with my son because I already feel so annoyed to try latching and pumping again. He's happy as he is Now why should I ruin that? Ugh sorry for the long post but I just needed some support and didn't know where to turn. Edit: sorry no line breaks I'm posting from iPad.

TechieGirl1 · November 2015

I personally would have a serious talk with you dh. He is the last person put of anyone that should make you feel guilty. I know I get judged by people for formula feeding until they find out why (I have a prolactinoma, which is a tumor on my pituitary gland ), and then they apologize. Nobody should make you feel bad about it. It's your decision, and your child is getting what they need. Quite frankly you have enough on your mind. Personally I would tell them off, but I'm just not that nice appearently. Lol

Hector33 · November 2015

I never really understood why people think it is any of their business if a mother is breastfeeding or not. In short it isn't so if you don't feel comfortable answering the question, don't. Like you said many many babes are FF with no ill side effects! Formula has come a very long way. If you think that FF is right for you and your LO then continue

. Im so sorry you went though such a traumatic birth.

NurseRieger · November 2015

Wow that's a really rough start to motherhood. Your husband should be thanking God that you did not die of a postpartum hemorrhage because of the retained placenta! Does he actually understand how severe that is? Any separation of newborn and mother screws up breastfeeding and it's extremely hard to come back from especially once baby has had a bottle. That is the reason for skin to skin time and rooming together, which unfortunately you didn't get. I also had to beg for a LC and none of the nurses were helpful, worse 1 just gave me a pump and showed me how to drop colostrum in his mouth which gave him a lazy latch. I didn't have the best experience myself but did not go through anything like you did. I suggest that you forget about breastfeeding and pumping and just enjoy your baby and move past the experience and be happy that you are okay. I don't get what's up with your husband but let him know he's lucky he's not raising that baby alone in which case baby would be on formula! 100 years ago he would have been begging for a wet nurse! As for other people you don't have to explain all of that just you had complications after delivery and were unable to BF. I got my 1st judgemental look of scorn for using formula last week and I was saying that I DO breastfeed just not exclusively! I've also gotten looks for breastfeeding in front of people (covered with a blanket). People are just judgey either way.

nininou19 · November 2015

I live in Europe and here it's amazing because almost every mom bottle feeds !!! I am on a european forum too and 80per cent of babies are bottle fed. Here people think it is totally normal for a mother to bottle feed. People even think it's weird to breastfeed too long. I was very shocked at first !!! People just think it's a choice and neither one is the best choice. I could not breastfeed either due to a complicated birth with a spinal headache from the epidural. Could not get out of bed !!! I will tell you what everyone told me : you need to be well for your kid. No one cares. Bottles are great too !!! It's fine. Get well and feed your baby the way you can. Big hugs to you

MCraig1484 · November 2015

I'm so sorry for your dramatic delivery! The most important thing is that you and baby are happy, rather than both stressing out about BFing.
If YOU did want to broach the process of restarting BFing a good LC can help you with that, but I would only do that if its your choice, not anyone else pressuring you into it.

missdaccortezz · November 2015

@nininou19 Im curious, where in Europe?

And @danixbanani24 I wish nothing but the best for you. Happy momma = happy baby!

DustyMelons · November 2015

danixbanani24 said:

Let me start off by saying, I did try to breastfeed but I had a traumatic labor and baby has some issues so I've been super stressed and emotional. Long story short, I had a vaginal birth and a retained placenta. I was able to hold the baby for s few minutes after birth but then they whisked him away because I eventually had to go into the OR and get a dnc to remove the placenta. However, before that my doctor tried to manually remove it which was the worst pain ever in my life. My mother had to hold me down because I was screaming and trying to push the doctor off of me. Honestly that pain was worse than child birth. So they had to take me into OR but before they did they had to tell me this condition could result in a hysterectomy. Not something I wanted to hear after the birth of my first child. It was hours before I was able to see my son again. Once I got him I immediately asked for a lactation consultant. And asked and asked and asked. She never came. Some nurses tried to help me with my latch but he would just scream at my nipple. I finally just gave him a bottle because it was late afternoon and he was born in the morning. I was so frustrated, exhausted, weak, etc from birth I couldn't handle it. The lac consultant came at 7pm after hours of asking and at the end of her shift. All she did was rip my gown off, squeeze the hell out of my nipples and showed me two latches before leaving after like ten minutes maybe. Lastly, my son has possible hip dysplasia so they made me leave him an extra night in the hospital and I had to go home. That was the single worst day of my life after all the drama. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen like I was punched in the face. I kept trying on my own after that but never got him to latch or suckle at home. He would just scream and I was so over it. I tried pumping at home but to be honest it was so much work and I'd rather sit with my son and bond over a bottle than be milked like a dairy cow around the clock. I made my peace with formula feeding but my son did have about a week of colostrum. My husband however has done nothing but make me feel guilty that I didn't keep trying to BF. I've asked him to stop hounding me about it because obviously my hormones are all over the place and I feel like a terrible mother. Everyone asks are you breastfeeding? And I feel so judged when I say no. Is it wrong that I just don't want to? After ten months carrying this child, after the dramatic labor and delivery and we're still not out of the woods yet with the hip dysplasia is it so damn wrong to want my body for myself? I was formula fed, my husband was also, my pediatrician had no problem that were bottle feeding...why is it such a damn stigma to formula feed? My husband and I got into a big argument this morning because I'm "lazy" and would rather feed our baby chemicals than natural breast milk. I honestly think he is the lazy one as he has done nothing but complain about nighttime feedings and taking care of a newborn and I think he just doesn't want to have to do anything. I'm so tired, emotional, and now I feel guilty and am looking up how to restart breastfeeding but I feel so BITTER about it. Should I let my husband guilt me into it? I think it will ruin my bond with my son because I already feel so annoyed to try latching and pumping again. He's happy as he is Now why should I ruin that? Ugh sorry for the long post but I just needed some support and didn't know where to turn. Edit: sorry no line breaks I'm posting from iPad.

First and foremost, you are NOT a terrible mother for not breastfeeding. Your husband needs to support you in this, not belittle you.

As a starting point, I suggest reading this article and showing it to him as well:

https://time.com/99746/its-time-to-end-the-breast-is-best-myth/

PlainJane8350 · November 2015

I can relate! I had a rough recovery, too, and still am seven weeks later! I did keep breastfeeding, but it comes with guilt of its own because I had a hematoma the size of my baby's head that they didn't catch until I ended up in the E.R. a week later. I was in so much pain that day that I didn't even realize that my baby was in the room! It wasn't until the night shift came in and got my pain manageable that I stopped clutching the side of my hospital bed with white knuckles. Anyway, I BF, but on tons of pain meds the first week (before they knew that I had a hematoma) and on tons of antibiotics once they discovered the hematoma. Do not feel bad! As someone who kept doing it, you're damned if you do, too!

And don't get me started on the lactation consultants, I saw ten in two days and they all sucked! They pinched my breast and literally shoved it into my poor baby's mouth (I would never treat her like that today. It seemed traumatizing, I'm surprised she even fed after the way they handled her) and one lady literally milked me like a cow! Horrible.

Aside from that, I'm still dealing with this myself regarding other issues, but it's your baby! Do what is best for you and your baby and try to ignore everyone else's opinions and/or "advice." Again, I'm currently struggling with this myself so may be we can be each other's accountability partners! I'm shocked at how opinionated and pushy people are with someone else's body and/or baby.

danixbanani24 · November 2015

Thank you everyone! I have to say I'm doing much better and I'm happy I made the decision to formula feed. I feel closer to my son and less stressed. Secondly I think DH has come to his senses and hasn't brought it up again. I appreciate everyone's kind words and encouragement. It means a lot to me and what I find funny is people will judge you no matter how you feed your child! Lol BF or FF!

amm0512 · November 2015

You are such an amazing mama, OP! You made a decision to do what is best for baby and you, and you stuck to it. I cannot count the number of moms I know who have beaten themselves down for weeks trying to force BF or pumping, and so many of them finally realize that the important thing is that baby is fed, not HOW baby is fed. Congrats on your perfect little man and goid luck recovering!

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