How to Be a Good Friend When You Just Want to Scream (pregnancy and loss mentioned)

ErikaMG · October 2015

I apologize in advance for the drama... but I could use some advice on how to deal with a friend of mine. My friend divorced her husband last year. She has a 4-year old son (same age as mine), and wants more children. She's religious and went on a Jewish dating site. Oddly, she met someone who is not Jewish, and doesn't want more kids, and at first it was fine because it was a rebound and she knew she would never get serious with a non-Jew who doesn't want more children. Fast forward a year, and she's in love with him. But because she can't commit to him, he's seeing another woman who he's starting to get serious with. I've been her shoulder to cry on through all this, and I feel for her... but I couldn't figure out why she was so in love with him, and why she can't seem to leave him even though he's causing nothing but drama and doesn't want the same things she does from the relationship. Then she laid it on me last night... he got her pregnant, and she had an abortion about a month ago, and now regrets it. I was floored. She knows what I'm going through, and telling me about her accidental pregnancy was such a slap in the face, I lost my breath. I know she wants support and understanding as she mourns the baby she wanted but aborted. But I'm finding I just can't give it to her. I know it's juvenile of me, and her experience has nothing to do with me or my struggles with infertility... but I can't help feeling angry that she so easily got what I so desperately want... and then threw it away. I'm finding it very hard to find any sympathy for her, and I've been avoiding her calls since she told me. What would you do?

Jodee37 · October 2015

wow. that is really hard. i think i would tell my friend that you're sorry she is struggling with this, and you want to be her support but because this recent event is so sensitive to your particular struggle you can't be her go-to-girl for this. if she can't understand that, then she is not THAT good of a friend.

what i'd really want to do is tell her to fuck off and she deserves NO sympathy from you since you would have that baby in a heartbeat. even if it had 3 arms. but i'm a bitch, so there's that.

ellebelle2384 · October 2015

Honestly I couldn't. I'm sorry. And I don't think you should have to. She has her own shit to deal with. I would tell her that you care about her and want her to have the support she needs but that you are not the person to do that right now.

GK2009 · November 2015

I am so sorry you are in this situation-- it sounds like your friend has problems of her own, but you just aren't going to be the right shoulder to cry on. I agree with @Jodee37 that an honest explanation should get you out of being her support system.
That sucks- sorry.

On another note-- at this age, I find it incredibly hard to believe that people are "accidentally" getting pregnant. It sounds like there is more to that story-- but I am sure you don't want to know the details. I get so mad when women giggle and go... "I have no idea how this happened!!!" You had unprotected sex while you were ovulating and got pregnant... that's how, ladies. Sorry- I am dealing with a woman at work who is pregnant with her 3rd and keeps saying-- "We are so shocked... this is my little whoopsie!" I call major BS on her! She totally planned that and that's more than fine, but don't be an idiot.

ErikaMG · November 2015

Thanks ladies so much for your advice and support. It's a tough situation, and I was feeling so guilty about not being a good friend to her... but you're right. It was sort of unfair of her to put me in this situation in the first place, and I have to be honest with her and let her know that I just can't be what she needs in this particular instance.

@GK2009 - That occurred to me too! She says she was on the pill but was taking antibiotics. What I wanted to say to her (but didn't) was he's _____'ing someone else, why on earth don't you use condoms as well as the pill??? I suspect she got knocked up on purpose and was hoping his reaction would be different (maybe not even conciously, but on some level).

@Jodee37 - Haha, you are not a bitch. There was admittedly a part of me that wanted to say exactly that!

@ellebelle2384 - That's exactly what I'm going to tell her. She's very wrapped up in her own drama right now, and I don't think she even realizes the effect it might have on me. So I think I need to remind her...

Flamingemu · November 2015

Sorry, but self preservation is more important that being a good friend sometimes. In an ideel situation I would likely use @Jodee37 s answer and only answer every other call and distance myself until she found someone else to cry to. TBH though, I am a bitch and my friends all still love me. So I would tell her to stop being an idiot and leave his dumbass. Then find someone who wanted her children, and ohbytheway, I am struggling so please don't complain to me about your aborted child.

smilormarie · November 2015

This is tough. There is no "accidentally" getting pregnant, I agree. I would be honest with her - carefully. Maybe the approach would be to explain to her that while you are going through this struggle with infertility you need a friend to do random fun silly gal stuff with, nails, shopping, etc to lighten the mood and get your mind off of it and in turn it will help her get her mind off her troubles as well - win win for both of you. Also That you value your friendship and appreciate that she is going through her own struggles and you don't know anything about that situation (just as someone who has not experienced infertility cannot understand what we go through, someone who has not had an abortion due to a pregnancy being inconvenient cannot understand what she is going through) you dont think you are the best person to help her talk out those issues. She honestly sounds like she needs a psychiatrist so don't fall into that black hole.

If she is wise enough to read between the lines and you can keep her as a friend on a fun entertainment level, great. Maybe briskly get back to a deep level friendship once some wounds heal. If she is the kind of person who seeks out drama and is perpetually the victim and expects everyone to feel sorry for her, she may not be a great friend worth holding on to, especially while you need to keep your spirits up. Good luck.

How to Be a Good Friend When You Just Want to Scream (pregnancy and loss mentioned)

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