anyone else worried about their significant other?

heyyitsmac · November 2015

I don't want to complain about my SO because he is so enthusiastic about being a father and he does things to show that. we both make decent money, the bills are paid, but we aren't by any means rich. I feel like he is only thinking about all the fun things that come with parenthood, but that he isn't being realistic about all of the expenses that we are soon going to accumulate. He is still spending money without thought and although I keep bringing up all of the things we are about to have to take care of, he still hasn't made any changes. I'm getting really frustrated about it and I feel like it is about to become a hot button issue in our household. I don't want to nag and monitor his every move because he's an adult. I've been holding my tongue because I know that I'm emotional and moody. It's already sparked a heated debate where I basically told him that I couldn't afford 2 children. I know it hurt his feelings and I felt awful about it afterwards. I know I'm still early on but 9 months is going to fly by and parenthood is not going to get any cheaper. Has anyone else had any issues with this? What did you do?

xaudreyx2011 · November 2015

We sat down and planned out a budget, including the cost of monthly baby supplies. We each allocate an amount of "fun" money to ourselves for each month. If we want something expensive, we save up our "fun" money even if there's enough money in the bank. Keeps us accountable and it helps cut down on splurging.

meggyme · November 2015

To counteract this (before we even thought about getting pregnant) I made sure that we're saving an amount from each paycheck that I feel comfortable with. After that, whatever is leftover is fair game (within reason). DH can't see how much is in savings but has a rough idea so he doesn't get carried away. We only use it for emergencies, but I'm considering starting another for baby savings.

Budgeting using the app mint has helped too, because DH can see how much he spends on what, compare month to month and set/keep budgets that we've agreed on. Don't get me wrong, we still argue occasionally about money, but it has kept it to a minimum.

Knottie1440636405 · November 2015

We are going to take Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, we are going to join a local class, but there is an online version you can do at home.

In our situation we know that money worries and baby worries all add stress to our relationship and so we see it as something we can do together. In general I'm usually the one who worries and my SO always says things are going to work out. It is easy for me to turn into a "nag" and I know that doesn't get us anywhere. I just tried to be honest with him, when I was not feeling scared about the cost of day care (which feels rare) and said that this was something I wanted us to learn about together.

Some of the best advice I ever got was to remember to HALT. Basically it means to check yourself before making a big decision or start an important discussion. hALT stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired. If you're feeling one of these (even with crazy hormones) don't try to push a big conversation. When you do, talk about how the actions make you feel.

Good luck to you!!!

mrsschmity · November 2015

My first suggestion would be to set up a budget that you both feel comfortable with, which it sounds like you may not have right now based on your comment about your husband's spending?

H and I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace course two years ago and it was one of the best things we ever did for our finances. This is what we do:

Our monthly expenses stay fairly consistent, so I leave just enough money in our checking account to cover bills that are paid online, including savings. Everything else comes out in cash. I take the cash and divide it into each of our categories: H and I both get a set amount for the week to include fun money, the rest goes towards groceries, gas, baby, house improvements, dog, eating out/entertainment, car, vacation fund, etc. Anything left over goes into the safe.

The cash method really helped us. Finances can be a hot subject for many, but I think all it comes down to is sitting down with your husband and simply discussing where you're at, where you want to be and talk about what would work for both of you and soon to be baby, regarding finances. Don't let it be a lecture. Ask for his input and remind him that you can both still do fun things and set aside money for it, but you have to have a plan for where that money goes.

Good luck!

heyyitsmac · November 2015

Thanks ladies! I'm going to look into that class. I think things sound better not coming from me sometimes lol. We're so used to just coming and going as we please and buying things when we see them and I think it's going to take some time to get used to. Also that HALT thing is so incredibly true. I'll have to keep that one!

satcher08 · November 2015

Dh has always been a spender and loves his toys (guns, bows and fishing equipment are his weaknesses). When I was pregnant with dd I tried to make him understand how expensive raising a child can be and that he needed to cut back spending but his philosophy is that it's just money and he can make more. I wound up just starting a separate savings account and putting a little in with each paycheck. Once dd got here he really did realize that he needed to cut back and is much better now.

violetmarie61516 · November 2015

Love Dave Ramsey! I use his site, books, plans and I actually also use Mint. We budget everything and plan ahead for things. Communication is KEY. Don't let things build up and make a plan to spend your money before each check.

heyyitsmac · November 2015

"I'll make more money" is definitely him lol. I'm going to start that savings account. Hopefully he gets on board.

PressLove · November 2015

Sounds like you received some great advice. I'll just add that some men don't truly get it until the baby is born. Physically and emotionally, pregnancy has you focused on the baby.

If he has friends or close relatives that are dads, he should talk to them. Sometimes, other men get them to understand things that may sound like a nag or buzzkill from a woman.

lm45678 · November 2015

I actually have the exact opposite with my husband... he is all about saving and getting ready but I haven't heard much of the emotional stuff yet. I'm sure he'll get there as @presslove said once baby is here.

I will add a tip that I got from a fellow bumpie that has been awesome for our financial situation - we save the amount of money that daycare will cost every month (have been since we started TTC). I have a savings account just for that money for maternity leave, baby supplies, etc and haven't touched it. It's been a great way to see our baby account grow every month and to get used to living monthly without that amount of money. I know how much I'll appreciate it once baby is here as a little cushion to get us through maternity leave, etc.

andrearstrange · November 2015

I am so torn about how to deal with this exact same thing. I have a trip booked for December that was planned pre-pregnancy and can't cancel, so I told him he can do one more major "FUN" thing (and by major I mean something that will cost ($200 to $300 max) before the third trimester and that we need to stop spending our money on all these little things that aren't important because those little things really add up. He hasn't even slowed down om the little things (like eating out and buying MTG cards) and I am about five minutes away from demanding that he get rid of his personal bank account and direct depositing everything into our joint account. I just can't deal with his irresponsibility while I am sacrificing big time to make this work.

chelthorn · November 2015

My husband and I have had a joint account ever since we got engaged. After we got married we realized how much money we wasted on junk we didn't need by always using our debit cards. We started using Dave Ramsey's Envelope System and it worked out really well. Now (after a year) we don't use the system, but instead we only use our debit cards for gas and groceries. DH is very into saving money on anything! We don't go out a lot or travel much, but it is worth it when we do plan something because we have saved up for it.

DH doesn't show emotion at all... never has really. I think the only times I have seen him have tears is when his sister passed a few years ago and when we got married. He doesn't even show excitement. When I told him I was pregnant he didn't seem happy or excited, but assured me he was. I think as time goes on he will change a little.

MynaBird · November 2015

We have joint accounts, but we also each have an individual checking account into which we transfer a set amount of money every month. That personal money goes for meals out, clothes, coffee, personal purchases, etc. It's been really great for our marriage because we each have a budget for our own fun stuff and can spend it guilt-free on whatever we want knowing that it doesn't impact our other finances.

june2016baby · November 2015

We have a joint account. I'm going to be honest and say that my husband has a great job with great bonuses and also puts in extra time for more pay. (I'm not working right now.) So we've never really had to worry about spending. But now with our fourth, I think I might ask him to sit down with me and take a look at out income versus spending. We may need to keep an eye on things once we have an extra kid to suck more money from us!

I'm just a little scared that I know what he'll say- If we need more money, he'll put in more time. But what he doesn't get, is that the more kids we have, the more time he should spend at HOME.

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