Husband and everyone else making me feel guilty about not breastfeeding (x post)

danixbanani24 · November 2015

Let me start off by saying, I did try to breastfeed but I had a traumatic labor and baby has some issues so I've been super stressed and emotional. Long story short, I had a vaginal birth and a retained placenta. I was able to hold the baby for s few minutes after birth but then they whisked him away because I eventually had to go into the OR and get a dnc to remove the placenta. However, before that my doctor tried to manually remove it which was the worst pain ever in my life. My mother had to hold me down because I was screaming and trying to push the doctor off of me. Honestly that pain was worse than child birth. So they had to take me into OR but before they did they had to tell me this condition could result in a hysterectomy. Not something I wanted to hear after the birth of my first child. It was hours before I was able to see my son again. Once I got him I immediately asked for a lactation consultant. And asked and asked and asked. She never came. Some nurses tried to help me with my latch but he would just scream at my nipple. I finally just gave him a bottle because it was late afternoon and he was born in the morning. I was so frustrated, exhausted, weak, etc from birth I couldn't handle it. The lac consultant came at 7pm after hours of asking and at the end of her shift. All she did was rip my gown off, squeeze the hell out of my nipples and showed me two latches before leaving after like ten minutes maybe. Lastly, my son has possible hip dysplasia so they made me leave him an extra night in the hospital and I had to go home. That was the single worst day of my life after all the drama. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen like I was punched in the face. I kept trying on my own after that but never got him to latch or suckle at home. He would just scream and I was so over it. I tried pumping at home but to be honest it was so much work and I'd rather sit with my son and bond over a bottle than be milked like a dairy cow around the clock. I made my peace with formula feeding but my son did have about a week of colostrum. My husband however has done nothing but make me feel guilty that I didn't keep trying to BF. I've asked him to stop hounding me about it because obviously my hormones are all over the place and I feel like a terrible mother. Everyone asks are you breastfeeding? And I feel so judged when I say no. Is it wrong that I just don't want to? After ten months carrying this child, after the dramatic labor and delivery and we're still not out of the woods yet with the hip dysplasia is it so damn wrong to want my body for myself? I was formula fed, my husband was also, my pediatrician had no problem that were bottle feeding...why is it such a damn stigma to formula feed? My husband and I got into a big argument this morning because I'm "lazy" and would rather feed our baby chemicals than natural breast milk. I honestly think he is the lazy one as he has done nothing but complain about nighttime feedings and taking care of a newborn and I think he just doesn't want to have to do anything. I'm so tired, emotional, and now I feel guilty and am looking up how to restart breastfeeding but I feel so BITTER about it. Should I let my husband guilt me into it? I think it will ruin my bond with my son because I already feel so annoyed to try latching and pumping again. He's happy as he is Now why should I ruin that? Ugh sorry for the long post but I just needed some support and didn't know where to turn. Edit: sorry no line breaks I'm posting from iPad.

midge519 · November 2015

Do what feels best for you!! Don't let your husband or anyone guilt you into doing something. In the end you're just going to resent them and it's going to make for a more stressed you which wouldn't help supply anyways. There is nothing wrong with formula! As long as you are feeding your baby you are doing what's right. Be strong Momma!

chelseagrrl123 · November 2015

I'm sorry that you and your son had such a traumatic birth. Your husband should really be supporting you, especially after all you two have been through. It sounds like he might be having a hard time dealing with the high stress emotions you all have from the birth. If he is worried about the ingredients of one formula, there might be another type of formula he is more comfortable with. Baby is getting fed, at this point taking care of your mental well being is most important. Do what feels right for you, you know yourself and your baby.

Krysta6 · November 2015

I'm sorry you are going through this! Have you told your partner that you already feel guilty about al this and that every time he brings it up its just adding salt to your wounds. Our Lo struggled in the hospital with breathing and was on antibiotics. We were so worried about him that perfecting breastfeeding just wasn't on my radar. We tried but I wasn't producing anything. So we gave a bottle and once my milk came in (8 days later) I pumped for 3 weeks as he wouldn't latch. I felt so guilty because everyone asks about breastfeeding! I tried, it didn't work and I noticed that I wasn't bonding with the baby from pumping. So when my milk unexpectedly dried up I decided to let it go and not call in a LC. I feel so much more attached to the baby now that I'm not attached to the pump. But my dh has been super supportive. I hope he comes to his senses soon and realizes a happy mama is the most important!

If he is so worried about the ingredients in formula you can look into organic. We are using baby's only organic formula.

tracij12 · November 2015

I remember reading your birth story. So scary but happy to hear you both are doing well!!

Please do not let anyone - husband, parents, friends, doctors - guilt you into anything! You absolutely can just not want to and after your experience, I totally understand just wanting to enjoy your time with baby.

As PP said I would try to express to your husband the guilt you already feel and let him know you need his support.

KLHauck12 · November 2015

You are not alone in experiencing this situation! I. An totally relate! Mine was not as traumatic as yours - I am so sorry that you had to go through that. My labor ended in a c section because my baby was not positioned correctly. I spiked a fever and she was getting distressed so it was best to get her out. Because of being GBS positive and the fever, she was taken to the NICU. I sent my husband along with but it was horrible to be missing out. I didn't get to see her until 15 hours later when I was steady enough to move to go down there. Then she struggled with feeding and her sugar levels, so she couldn't room in until her feeding tube was removed and we couldn't go home until she got consistently good levels. It was such an ordeal! And I had no idea how awful it was going to be to recover from a c section. When we got home it all came crashing down on me. I missed my freedom and my old life. I hated breastfeeding (she did okay in the hospital but we struggled at home, especially with all the visitors) and pumping (we had to supplement). I felt like a milk machine that wasn't even enjoying my child because all I did was deal with feeding. It took for me to get so much anxiety over it all that I made myself sick...acidy stomach and dehydrated. I went to the doctor and she right away recognized my sickness as being due to anxiety. She recommended considering formula....the minute that discussion started, my condition improved. I knew it was the right move but was scared that my husband would be disappointed in me. I have been lucky that he has been supportive but I think my extreme reaction to the stress freaked him out and he just wanted anything to have his wife back to normal! Most of my family and friends did formula so I haven't gotten much grief but I struggle a little with my own guilt. I am an early childhood teacher and always promoted breastfeeding and I silently judged my SIL when she switched to formula....and then I did the same (and sooner). But I think that is our first lesson in motherhood....you can't predict or plan how things will go or how you will feel. You just need to do the best you can with the situation you have....and own it! You're the mama, what you decide it best for you (and taking care of us is a huge part of it) and your baby is the right decision!
Try having a real honest conversation with your husband about how you feel and what you need from him. He is making an adjustment too but just like in labor, part of his role of dad is to support you!

ElleMF728 · November 2015

YH is being a huge jerk. Its one thing to want your partner to BF, its another thing entirely to call them lazy and feel terrible for switching to formula especially after your birth trauma. He is being incredibly insensitive and honestly, its not his body. You have to do what is healthiest for you whatever that may be. I had a difficult time after my first and I strongly believe that forcing myself to BF due to societal expectations was a contributing factor in my PPD.

Its understandable that he had certain hopes leading into this, so did you, but circumstances have changed and he needs to adjust accordingly. You need to have a serious discussion about this and he needs to support you or its only going to build resentment on both sides.

ETA: There are going to be a lot of plans that will change as your child gets older, this is an excellent opportunity for DH to learn how to change course and re-group as needed. Perhaps discussing this as a group with your pediatrician would be beneficial for his peace of mind.

komorebi · November 2015

What people who want you to breastfeed don't understand is that support is a million times more helpful than judgement. And that lc needs a slap. I'm sorry you're dealing with all that. If you want to restart breastfeeding then there are ways to help, but don't feel like you should have to.

J1D · November 2015

I'm breastfeeding and pumping and I like breastfeeding and don't enjoy but don't mind pumping. My problem is I'm producing next to nothing so I spend hours and hours nursing and pumping and we still have to primarily feed our baby with formula.
It seems to stress my baby out when he nurses and nurses and nurses but doesn't get enough to eat. I feel much better about giving him formula so he's full and happy and calm then trying to EBF and basically torture the poor guy.
There is nothing wrong with formula. I'm sorry people are giving you a hard time about not breastfeeding. I don't think anyone should care how you feed your child as long as you feed your child.
I probably won't bother with trying to breastfeed or pump for much longer unless I magically start producing enough to actually feed my baby and I'll be honest I feel zero bad about it. I'm giving it my best try and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
Like you said, I'd rather spend my time cuddling my baby and bonding over a bottle than hooked up to a pump twiddling my thumbs and not interacting with my child.

danixbanani24 · November 2015

Thanks everyone your kind words really helped a stressed mama out. I went for a walk with LO and feel better getting out of the house. To PP, yes my DH is being a big jerk and also not adjusting well to newborn life. So I do feel slightly bad for him but not by much lol. We have to have a serious talk tho if he continues guilt tripping me. I don't want to end up full of anxiety and post partum blues. Thanks again ladies. Glad to have this forum to unleash.

danixbanani24 · November 2015

komorebi said:
What people who want you to breastfeed don't understand is that support is a million times more helpful than judgement. And that lc needs a slap. I'm sorry you're dealing with all that. If you want to restart breastfeeding then there are ways to help, but don't feel like you should have to.

I actually think I may call patient representatives at the hospital about that LC. I was so furious. It's a hospital that participates in Latch On NYC so they push breastfeeding hardcore and then you get no damn help? After asking for hours? What should I do let my kid starve? Ugh don't get me started lol

Telebell · November 2015

I'm so sorry you had to go through that- it sounds absolutely awful! Please have a come-to-Jesus talk with your husband and tell him never to bring up breastfeeding again in your presence.

NYC - for a certain socioeconomic set anyways that I assume you're in- is a breast or nothing kind of place. It really sucks feeling like you need to justify what happened. I feel guilty and I *choose* to formula feed my second because I know it's what's best for my whole family. I also got some guilt from my husband. Every single one of my friends breastfeeds too although they're careful not to make me feel bad.

All I can say is that it gets better with time. When your baby ends up every bit as healthy and smart you'll know formula was the right choice for you.

Also, to make yourself feel better now, Google all the benefits of formula feeding, there are plenty!

Telebell · November 2015

Btw here's a pretty comprehensive list of ff benefits:

https://www.stayathomemum.com.au/my-kids/feeding-and-eating/20-benefits-of-bottle-feeding/

Not trying to start a mommy war re breastfeeding here, but if you need solace that ff is a great choice, stuff like this helped lessen the guilt for me until I could really own my decision.

MandahGirly · November 2015

Just to echo what everyone has said, as long as baby is fed and is happy (and so is mom!) then that should be the end of the conversation. Your husband is being an asshole plain and simple. He did not carry his child for 9 months and his body did not go through hell to birth him. He needs to be your partner and support you with whatever decision is best for you and baby. Unless his boobs start producing milk he needs to STFU.

sdnyc99 · November 2015

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't understand the stigma around how we choose to feed our babies. And, I'm sorry, but your husband is being a jerk.

I'm lucky in that I am able to EBF, but it's really just by chance that I'm able to do so and it's just as likely that I wouldn't have been able to. But - opposite of what you're experiencing - I've gotten some criticism for breastfeeding. As a matter of fact, my in-laws are over at our house right now, and I'm fending off my MIL telling me that I need to give dd a bottle of formula at night so she'll sleep (okay, because formula-fed babies all magically sleep all night?? Seriously?)

Anyway, my point is that we're going to get criticism about any decision we make. Your husband needs to come to his senses, and just ignore everyone else.

rms924 · November 2015

To the person who said you get criticism no matter your choice, it's so true! I ebf and sometimes lo over feeds and vomits. My mother told me maybe my breastmilk is not good enough for baby and that I should ff. No matter your choice you are going to get criticism. So shrug it off. You have to do what's best for you and baby, and damn everyone else!

Plus formula is fine for baby. If you are worried about chemicals there are good organic options too. Praying for continued healing for you and baby

VioletandRose · November 2015

OP, I know how you feel. I also had a very traumatic labor that ended in a c-section, then the morning after I had her, pediatrics came in and took my daughter to the NICU for a 48 hour dose of antibiotics due to some fluid in her lungs. I tried so hard to breastfeed, but she wouldn't latch. The nurses and lactation consultants pressured me so much. They had me in a wheelchair, then walking down 2 floors to the NICU every 2 hours to try and feed her. It would never work, she would cry so hard she turned purple. So I had to pump and either myself or fiancée would have to drop the milk off every time, in addition to "trying" to feed from the breast. They kept telling me to try and try, that she would eventually get it, but by the 2nd day I was in tears. I was in so much pain and I had the nurses pressuring me, the NICU nurses calling me all night long to come try and feed her... It was awful. No one offered me an alternative. Finally my mom and fiancée had a "come to Jesus" meeting with me and told me that it's not worth it, to switch to formula. I was not enjoying my baby, I was feeling so pressured and stressed, my time in the hospital felt like one continuous pumping session. So I had a conversation with one very understanding overnight nurse who switched her over to formula. It was the best thing I could have done. Now we are both happy and my baby seems so much more satisfied. Plus, when we went to the doc for her newborn appointment, he was great. He told us not to feel guilty, that she will grow up to be as healthy and intelligent as any breastfed baby. I do not regret my decision. Maybe talk to your doc with your husband present, to set his mind at ease? What is best for your baby, to be breastfed but have an unhappy, stressed mother, or to be formula fed with a happy mother who can enjoy him and can focus on the many other things that will make him happy and content, aside from feeding?

Thunda88 · November 2015

My husband and I chose to make the decision to ff after the first few days at home because my lo cried constantly when he wasn't trying to nurse and my nipples were bleeding and extremely sore. Finally, after waking up to me crying my husband suggested we give him a bottle and sure enough it was like we had a completely different baby. He stopped crying and seemed satisfied for the first time. Luckily everyone has been extremely supportive. Trust your instincts and know that you are doing what is best for you and your baby. I'm so sorry that you gad such a terrifying birth experience but enjoy your precious baby and tell everyone else to get over themselves.

komorebi · November 2015

@danixbanani24 with my first baby i had a similar situation with an lc. She was grabby and i felt violated honestly. I ended up having chronic low supply from insufficient glandular tissue. Luckily it's improved with each pregnancy but i had so much bad advice that led to my second child losing too much weight and almost needing hospitalization. I still managed to bf but it wad through support by my SO and my own wishes to do it. Nobody cam know how hard it is for each individual mother. And every ounce counts, so the idea that it's all or nothing is not true.

FrozenMommy · November 2015

BFing is hard as F*** and if my husband tells me one more time that he thinks I gave up too quick, he's getting slapped. I don't see how someone who can't even do it gets to act this way towards his wife. I too had some major issues after childbirth, and it's been hard enough just trying to repair my body. I have 2 other kids who aren't getting much attention from me because with resting and baby I don't see how I can do anything else. Husbands need to STFU about stuff that they literally CANNOT DO!

plumpous · November 2015

I too am pressured to bf. I really hate it. But I just can't get over the guilt so I keep at it. I know this must be so hard for you to keep fighting the same fight. It's bad enough that we as new moms are extra stressed out and emotional then you add the internal guilt we constantly feel, doubting if we're doing it right and then on top of that people criticize every effing decision.
Stay strong. There's nothing wrong with formula. Maybe bf is better, but it doesn't make formula wrong.

plumpous · November 2015

Telebell said:
Btw here's a pretty comprehensive list of ff benefits:

https://www.stayathomemum.com.au/my-kids/feeding-and-eating/20-benefits-of-bottle-feeding/

Not trying to start a mommy war re breastfeeding here, but if you need solace that ff is a great choice, stuff like this helped lessen the guilt for me until I could really own my decision.

All of these are benefits to mommy. It doesn't imply that it's better nutrition for the baby. Just saying....

danixbanani24 · November 2015

VioletandRose said:
OP, I know how you feel. I also had a very traumatic labor that ended in a c-section, then the morning after I had her, pediatrics came in and took my daughter to the NICU for a 48 hour dose of antibiotics due to some fluid in her lungs. I tried so hard to breastfeed, but she wouldn't latch. The nurses and lactation consultants pressured me so much. They had me in a wheelchair, then walking down 2 floors to the NICU every 2 hours to try and feed her. It would never work, she would cry so hard she turned purple. So I had to pump and either myself or fiancée would have to drop the milk off every time, in addition to "trying" to feed from the breast. They kept telling me to try and try, that she would eventually get it, but by the 2nd day I was in tears. I was in so much pain and I had the nurses pressuring me, the NICU nurses calling me all night long to come try and feed her... It was awful. No one offered me an alternative. Finally my mom and fiancée had a "come to Jesus" meeting with me and told me that it's not worth it, to switch to formula. I was not enjoying my baby, I was feeling so pressured and stressed, my time in the hospital felt like one continuous pumping session. So I had a conversation with one very understanding overnight nurse who switched her over to formula. It was the best thing I could have done. Now we are both happy and my baby seems so much more satisfied. Plus, when we went to the doc for her newborn appointment, he was great. He told us not to feel guilty, that she will grow up to be as healthy and intelligent as any breastfed baby. I do not regret my decision. Maybe talk to your doc with your husband present, to set his mind at ease? What is best for your baby, to be breastfed but have an unhappy, stressed mother, or to be formula fed with a happy mother who can enjoy him and can focus on the many other things that will make him happy and content, aside from feeding?

Wow I'm sorry that all happened to you. I'm glad you've found a solution and can enjoy your baby. I can so relate to the hospital staff pressuring you. I also finally got a nurse to give me formula bottles. I'm feeling better and more connected to my son rather than trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to. I think my husband finally realized he was pressuring me too much as well because he's backed off. Emotions run up and down here lol

Telebell · November 2015

plumpous said:

Telebell said:
Btw here's a pretty comprehensive list of ff benefits:

https://www.stayathomemum.com.au/my-kids/feeding-and-eating/20-benefits-of-bottle-feeding/

Not trying to start a mommy war re breastfeeding here, but if you need solace that ff is a great choice, stuff like this helped lessen the guilt for me until I could really own my decision.
All of these are benefits to mommy. It doesn't imply that it's better nutrition for the baby. Just saying....

You're right! And benefit for mom/family as a whole is a perfectly good reason to choose ff. Or to be ok with ff if you wanted to bf but couldn't.

ElleMF728 · November 2015

plumpous said:

Btw here's a pretty comprehensive list of ff benefits: https://www.stayathomemum.com.au/my-kids/feeding-and-eating/20-benefits-of-bottle-feeding/ Not trying to start a mommy war re breastfeeding here, but if you need solace that ff is a great choice, stuff like this helped lessen the guilt for me until I could really own my decision.
All of these are benefits to mommy. It doesn't imply that it's better nutrition for the baby. Just saying....

A healthy, happy mom is a benefit to baby.

1stComesLove421 · November 2015

Do not feel bad for the choice you made. You are feeding your child, he's not starving, he's not been abandon. I had a tramatic birth with my first and tried so hard to breastfeed, but it was problem after problem. I tried pumping but like you got tired of it. I had to give up, I was an emotional wreck for months because of that choice. But guess what? She is so healthy and happy, and now she's on regular milk and that's all in our past.

With this one I struggled once I left the hospital. It took a trip to an ER and a visit with a lactation consultant to make it work. I almost cancelled the lactation consultant because I became so afraid of the baby. I was almost passing out when she would latch because of the pain. This consultant spent over an hour with us and we're doing so much better. I say all of this in case you did have your heart set on nursing. But I also don't want to discourage you if you prefer the bottle. I've been there and you have to go with what works for you.

koriemo · November 2015

A happy, well rested Mama is so important! I too hard troubles with breastfeeding. Now I'm exclusively pumping. I'm afraid to try nursing him again, because both the baby and I were crying over it every feeding. But pumping full time is very hard to sustain.

Rikki_5 · November 2015

Happy mom = Happy baby !! do what makes you feel best. And tell your husband happy wife= happy life! I had trouble BF at first, but now it's pretty easy and convenient but man those first couple weeks were the worst. I was having to pump every 3 hours and it was getting difficult to do that. I just started putting baby to my breast every hour then he eventually got the picture. Last night I wanted to enjoy a beer so I let my DH give him a bottle for his 9pm feeding. And still if he seems extra hungry or if I want a break I have no problem supplementing with formula. If you do want to try it's still not too late -- you could attend a la leche meeting in your area, sometimes you need another set of hands to get baby to latch on right. But even if you don't, your baby will get all the nutrition he needs through formula feeding. No one should be making you feel bad about yourself especially after bringing a wonderful miracle of life into the world!

FatPony · November 2015

Try not to beat yourself up about it. I gave up BF bc my baby wasn't getting enough and I just could not keep up pumping. I struggled with the decision for a week or so, but I am doing about 100x better now than struggling to feed my LO on the boob. My baby is doing well on formula. He was so happy with it that I can give him formula at room temperature (don't warm it up), and he slurps it right down. Like pp said, what baby needs is a healthy, happy mom. It's so important to take care of yourself. Good luck mama!!

cindykinnear · November 2015

I suggest hooking your husband up to a breast pump for 30 min every 2 hours and see how he feels, lol. But seriously, this is your choice, it's your body! Your baby will be fine. Millions of infants are ff and grow to be intelligent happy people! You are not selfish for wanting your body back! You do what makes you comfortable and happy. Your hubby will just have to get over it.

valolvera · November 2015

Yes! Do what feels best for you! My big sister was giving me crap but honestly I rather feed my baby with a bottle and know that she's getting nice and full. At the hospital it was just really frustrating and sad to see her not being able to latch and just end up falling asleep with an empty belly. The minute I got out we got formula and it just makes me feel better to know she's feeding well!

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