Husband unhappy

cmcintos · November 2015

Hi ladies. I know that this is probably a little deep for an online forum, but I wanted to vent/hear an outsiders perspective before talking to friends/family about it. Because once you tell family bad things, it's hard for them to ever move past it if you decide to make it work.

So a little back-story: I've been with my husband for 10 years. Married for 3. Our first daughter is 7.5 months. He's struggled in the past with depression/anxiety, and has been on meds for the past two years.

About a week ago, he told me that he's not doing well. He's not happy, and he doesn't know why. He basically said that nothing in life makes him excited or happy. He doesn't get the usual "high" from things that he should. Including exercise and our daughter. He's taken up running, but says it's not helping. He said that when she was born, he didn't feel the things that everyone told him he'd feel, and doesn't feel strongly towards her now. I assumed it's just the drugs making him numb, he doesn't feel the lows but also doesn't feel the highs. I told him to see the doctor ASAP and maybe there's something she could recommend. A change of dose, a different drug, some therapy, anything!

Well, he saw the doctor yesterday, and she suggested some therapy, but said that most of the time drugs are all they can really do. So then last night, he told me that he thinks that he wants to leave me, and try other things in life to see if that will make him happy. He said that essentially he doesn't love me, isn't attracted to me, and doesn't see the point of counselling. It's just post-poning the inevitable. He has been drinking quite heavily lately, and says he essentially doesn't like being home with me and the baby.

I asked him if it's because there is someone else. I mean, seems sort of sudden and rash to just decide to leave your wife and baby to "try" some things out without exhausting all options first. He said that he has grown close with a woman from work, and although nothing has happened, she makes him feel more alive. He claims this isn't about that, but kind of hard to think that it's not.

I'm EXTREMELY torn. On one hand, I'm LIVID that he'd chose to marry me, buy a house with me, and then have a child with me, only to abandon it all for his own happiness. I'm a mom now, nothing will change that. I no longer have the freedom to live my life carelessly like he does. I have responsibilities, and everything I do now is for her. I think I've been as good a wife as I can be, given the circumstances. The baby and running my own business keeps me pretty busy/stressed.

On the other hand, depression is a scary illness that can make people feel extremely unhappy and careless...... and I don't want to abandon him or give up in his time of need, if he's really scared and unsure of what to do. Obviously I can't do anything if he decides to push me away....... so what do I do???

torie2132 · November 2015

I think the best advice that I can think to give you is - freedom or not. Consider yourself. Are YOU happy in the relationship? Are you happy period. Start there and work your way to a conclusion. Baby isn't old enough to see the strife so allow yourself the time to figure it out. Don't let him off the hook - he's a father now just like you're a mother. You have to do what's best for you and the baby.

NLB2009 · November 2015

My husband has struggled in the past with depression and I'll tell you it was the hardest time of my life. He was awful to me, no matter how hard I tried to be supportive. We were engaged at the time and he told me he felt like he needed to sleep with other people before getting married and he thought that would help with the depression. I was young and dumb and agreed even though it tore me apart. After a few months I totally emotionally detached and told him I wanted to break it off. That kind of snapped him out of it, enough for him to get on meds and get therapy. Things have gotten steadily better since and we're pretty happy most of the time but I live in fear of it happening again. All this to say, I completely feel you and I wish you only the best. I will say that, although I'm glad I stuck it out, I wouldn't put myself through that again. It's an impossible choice, especially with LO in the picture, but choose whatever option you can live with best. I support your choice either way.

richdog · November 2015

Bless your heart! I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of that. I fully believe in fighting for your marriage. Therapy for both of you might help. However, ultimately, you can't make him do what he doesn't want to do, and with a baby to think about it is scary. You have a right to be upset about this other women, and it's hard to believe that she isn't a big reason he is wanting to leave. I know telling family is hard, especially because once they know, there is no turning back. However, they can be a big support system for you, and you need that support no matter what you decide to do. I encourage you to gather people who can and will support you and remind you that this is not your fault.

I'm not sure of your stance religiously, but I truly believe in the power of prayer. I also believe God wants to help us and wants the best for us. I pray that He will give you guidance, peace and the best possible solution to this problem.

Whatever you decide, you are a good mom.

KD32412 · November 2015

I am very sorry that you have to go through this bullshit. I am going to be honest with you and tell you the truth even if it hurts to hear. If I was in your situation, I would do my best to get him counseling, maybe even marriage or couples therapy. If he refuses or it doesn't help and he still wants to leave, let him. If he is this selfish (and stupid) enough to be careless with the two people he should love the most in this world, cut him loose. You deserve better, and so does your child.

My husband also suffers from anxiety and depression, he has almost his whole life. He is on medication and receives therapy monthly. We have our ups and downs and he has hit some low points, but he has never made me feel unloved.

Get his family involved. They must know of his history of depression. Let them know about the situation and seek help from them to get him into therapy. Maybe he needs to change meds too? It shouldn't make him feel detached and numb.

I don't know you or your husband, and maybe he is going through a REALLY bad time, but if I was in your situation, I wouldn't stand for it. Life is too short to waste time on people who choose to hurt you.

cmcintos · November 2015

Thanks everyone!! We talked, and I hope I may have been able to get through to him enough to agree to go for therapy.

Although he claims it has nothing to do with the baby, I think it does. We had a lot of life changes in the last year. We moved from the city to the suburbs, he now has to commute to work, he changed jobs, we bought a house, a dog, had the baby...... We went from cool city couple in a tiny condo (always on top of each other) to suburban family in a large house.

And it's hard to be loving and affectionate with your husband when you are pregnant or just had a baby. I didn't want to be touched or feel sexual at all. He took that as rejection. He says all I do is nag and yell at him. I'm never nice anymore. I guess I've been living in this baby bubble, and not having much else to give anyone else.

Running my own business too has been tough. I'm a wedding photographer, and essentially worked like a crazy person all summer. Shooting, editing, emails and consults. With no daycare or help with baby during the day. So by the time he gets home from work, I'm usually pretty stressed out, and then I have to work nights, so family time has been next to nothing.

So I think we really need to focus on getting back to being a couple. Maybe a date night once in a while, or even just affectionate hugs and kisses in passing....things to make him feel loved? And therapy too!!! He's going to the physiatrist today to talk about his meds. So here's hoping that we can sort this out, and that he didn't really mean all the things he said.

And the stuff about the other woman. I think he feels like he "missed out" on a lot of things because I was the first person he'd ever been with. I tried to say that dating was no great hell, but he said he'll never know. So I tried to remind him that life is too short to experience absolutely everything. Although he's never experienced dating, having random sex, having his heart broken, he's experienced other things that a lot of people never will. The birth of his child, completing a marathon, traveling to asia, skydiving.... a lot of amazing life experiences that most people don't get to do!!! So while some doors close, other doors open. So he seemed responsive to that.

I think that when you are depressed, you dwell on everything negative, and forget everything positive.

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