Sense of loss, need support and advice.

LoveLee85 · November 2015

Yesterday was the most raw day of my life. I have had some losses in my lifetime but this has sent me into a weird place. I had an abnormal pap results while pregnant. Chose to hold off on colposcopy until after LO was born. It was just done and I had a weird feeling..sure enough the results were less than great. I have 'a lot of very, very abnormal cells' on the end of my cervix. I was a 3, and a 4 is cancer. They want to do surgery next week. They will cut off the end of my cervix and a little of the inside cervix tissue to have it tested and to get rid of the cells they can see. I guess the abnormal cells are aggressive.

My only concern is that I'm a newly wed with one 8 week old baby....we want one more baby, or two! This surgery could result in an incompetent cervix. We all knew what that means. I could hardly hold it together. I am so grateful for my healthy, beautiful LO but I feel such a sense of loss now for future children. My family doesn't feel complete yet. That this might be my only child due to this surgery. If it comes back positive in the interior cells, it will lead to another, more drastic surgery. I'm not going to tell family or friends, just my DH and my Bump family. It's just too personal and I don't want everyone knowing yet. I'm trying to think all day today about the thought of having just one child? If it's our choice, I will feel more in control, and it might be an easier idea. I can't imagine miscarriage after miscarriage, or a second term loss, all things that can happen with the surgery I'm having done. I would just be done trying to grow our family. It would just be too much for me.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. I'm so grateful for my baby. I feel selfish and guilty for saying he wouldn't be enough. He's plenty! He's my gift from God, but I want more. Does anyone have experience with this situation? Also, what are the perks of being an 'only' child?? I just have so much to think about. Thank you for reading this.

ahoneycutt12 · November 2015

I don't have any experience with this but wanted to let you know you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

myfingerhurts · November 2015

I don't have any experience to share, but I am so sorry you are going through this. Definitely don't feel selfish or guilty, whatvyou are feeling is totally natural. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

seg6394 · November 2015

I've had this surgery. It's usually called a LEEP procedure. First of all, you don't have cancer, so don't think that. They are removing the cells BEFORE they turn into cancer. I've had two LEEPs. I have a much shorter cervix than normal because I had the operation twice. I carried my baby full term, did not have to get stitches (this is called a cervical cerclage- it's one or two stitches on the cervix in case it is shortening too much, usually done in 2nd trimester, although it's not really sure how much/if it helps), and my baby was completely healthy and normal. Nothing in my pregnancy was complicated by my two prior operations. There is no reason I couldn't have another baby, just as there is no reason for you to be afraid of not being able to have another baby because of it. I'm not sure if your doctor scared you or something? Because this is quite a typical procedure and is really not a "cancer" or a very serious surgery. Recovery wasn't bad at all, I was fine after about a week. The chances of you ending up with an incompetent cervix are very rare, and usually the biopsy taken is benign (meaning most of the time they will remove the abnormal cells and the rest will be left okay). Like I said, I had this surgery done twice, which does pose a greater risk for a shortened cervix during pregnancy, but I was completely fine. It's very routine for OB/GYNs to perform this surgery and to see it on past medical history. You might need a little extra help from your husband for a few days with your baby, but other than that it's totally fine. Didn't hurt, it was outpatient surgery (it's a few hours and you go home that day). My last two Pap smears have been good, for the first time in 5 years. So it's fine now for me. Maybe in the future I could have more that need to be removed, but I don't ever think about it or stress about not being able to get pregnant because of it. Relax. Research it, ask your doctor questions so you can understand it's not a super serious surgery. You will be totally fine! I know it was probably scary to hear that you need surgery but seriously, it is very very common and routine. Good luck, feel free to ask me any questions if you need to!

architori · November 2015

No experience here either, but I too will be praying for you. Give yourself grace to feel whatever you do, and just take it one day at a time. One perk to being an only child would be that they get all of your attention! Also, it's not for everyone, but adoption can be a wonderful thing if you decide you do want to grow your family in the future.

LoveLee85 · November 2015

Thank you. I know it's not cancer. I'm a 3 and a 4 is cancer, so no cancer yet. My doctor said the surgery runs with the possibility of an incompetent cervix, it's a risk I'm taking seriously. Doctor told me not to research it because very scary things would pop up. He said he's only seen one other case with my amount of abnormal cells before. I'm just trying to be realistic and look at every angle! I hope mine turn out like yours.
I'm just in a weird place. I was debating on just quickly getting pregnant again and dealing with the surgery later, after LO number two. But the cells are so aggressive, my doctor is worried it would be cancerous by that point. It's just something I never dreamed I would have to think about. Thank you for kind words and prayers! I just want the interior cells to come back 'clean' so I don't have to have more of my cervix removed!

A perk of being an only, is we could afford a great private school education from pre K, through college!

eah325 · November 2015

I'm so sorry @lovelee85. I can't relate to your exact situation but I understand your fear and concern. I lost my right ovary and Fallopian tube due to severe endometriosis. I had a sense of loss and feared I would never be able to get pregnant. I was able to get pregnant without assistance and feel incredibly blessed to have my LO. But your fears are real and valid, and they're ok to have. Truth be told, you won't really know about future kids until your cross that bridge, so while I understand the need to process all of the possibilities, don't overthink them because unfortunately they're out of your control. It sucks, but live in the present as much as you can. It's important to take care of yourself and your health for the LO you have. Good luck! Wishing you the best of luck!

tlc11934 · November 2015

@LoveLee85 I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I had this LEEP surgery as well in 2004 at 24 years old. I also had a laparoscopy to remove severe endometriosis. I sought a reproductive endocrinologist who could help me achieve my goals of having children and was told the same risks as you. Fast forward to 2015 and I have three beautiful, healthy and full term children. I was given a 40% chance of conceiving and was labeled high risk. Keep your head high and hope for the best. Trust your doctor and your body. I'm here if you want to talk.

mamadeez · November 2015

As an only child I am very close to my parents. They are two of my best friends and I can talk about anything with them. My mom and I got to go on lots of little vacations and some big ones. Disney land for my 10th birthday and backpacking across Europe for my graduation. We were able to afford sending me to awesome outdoor camps for two weeks every summer. It worked out.

My parents divorced when I was 2. They are now best friends. My dad is friends with my step dad. We take vacations together. My dad told me that he got what he wanted - a family - but it didn't look the way he had expected and that's ok. It's obviously different than your possible situation but I hope his point of view can be a comfort.

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