So mad I could scream

nbc2015 · October 2015

So, I'm sure sure I'm not the only one with MIL issues. Half the time she is a nice person, the other half of the time she is incredibly judgmental and passive aggressive. Since I've become pregnant, she has become increasingly vocal about how I should be doing things, and even who I should let watch my child. She usually is more open with my husband (since it's her son, obviously), more so than me. Just to give you an example, she told my husband in no uncertain terms, that I should not leave my child alone with my mother and step-father, because he has a mental illness. However, he is not violent, he is stable, and consistently takes his meds. She also thinks there will be "no room" for the baby in their house (my family is not particularly "well off"; they are your average, middle-class family). She has even suggested that I can't leave my child with my sisters, because they don't have the best-behaved dogs. Not violent or aggressive; the dogs are just idiots and they get into everything (trash, pantries, etc.). To me, it seems that she is trying to isolate herself and my FIL as being the only people "suited" to watch my child, which is complete BS.

Recently, she has also taken to judging the furniture in my house, some of which are very sentimental to me. My family is very close-- my husband's family (including his mother) is not. I was given a chifferobe that was my mother's, that she had the whole time I was growing up. When she bought it, it was an antique. As you can imagine, it's old and not in the best condition. Apparently, she has told my DH that we need to get rid of it because it's "tacky" and "junk." She broached the topic with me a few weeks ago, but I explained it's sentimental value to me. Apparently it was after this conversation that I had with her, that she decided to put a bug in DH's ear about it being junk. SO MAD.

His parents have helped us out a lot financially, so I think that she senses some sort of ownership over the things in our house and, now, our child. I'm not really sure how to handle the situation, but I'm getting really irritated to the point where I fear I might just say to her outright that she can either be my family or she can exist to judge me, but not both.

I'm not going to have my child around those kind of passive aggressive, judgmental comments. I was raised COMPLETELY differently and I will not stand for it. Any suggestions on how to deal with her? I need to be assertive. Being polite just isn't working anymore.

satuttle1014 · October 2015

You can tell her how she is making you feel but have appreciated what his parents have helped with with. Or you can just brush it off and raise the child how you want. Just because she says those things does not mean you have to listen. You will have tons of people trying to tell you how to raise your child but in the end you and your DH will raise your child the way you want to.

kalanieileen · November 2015

^^ precisely. It is up to you and YH how you will raise your child. I would focus more on making sure you and YH are on the same page since your MIL is stirring the pot with him. If you really want something said to her, maybe have YH say something to her first before you.

Edit to add that your post made me angry for you. I would definitely be pissed if I were in your shoes

Kurtni · November 2015

You're right- you have to be assertive and so does your husband. Stop her when she's being inappropriate and tell her you and your husband make parenting decisions and will ask if you want advice.

Linsbins · November 2015

The financial piece probably also makes her feel like it's her right to say and do those things. If I was her, I might probably act the same way. Time to cut that cord ASAP.

cMichelle0423 · November 2015

From some personal experience with both my in laws (they're divorced if that matters), you and your husband have to stand united when dealing with situations like this. Set boundaries, and put your foot down when needed. But do it together. I don't necessarily mean to both confront them, but make sure your husband isn't throwing you under the bus whenever your MIL speaks to him privately about certain issues. If all else fails, just ignore her. You're always going to get unwanted advice from someone when you're a parent. Sometimes all you can do is nod and smile and continue to do what you think is best for your LO. Good luck!

RachieTK · November 2015

How does your DH feel? Does he know how you feel? We have essentially no relationship with my Inlaws. It has crumbled over time. We are incredibly close with my parents and while it can be hard for my husband to be exclusively close to my family and not his, he agrees that his parents' hurtful comments are not healthy for our family to be around. Make sure you agree and are united.

nbc2015 · November 2015

Thank you for the responses, everyone. I'm happy to hear it's not just the pregnancy hormones, and that I'm not overreacting.

My husband warned me when we first met (oddly enough) that his mother was "crazy," but I didn't believe him. Go figure. I don't use the term "crazy" lightly (especially after witnessing my step-father's battles), but I'm just quoting him to demonstrate his recognition that she is a little off. When they are alone, he really just brushes her comments off and doesn't fan the fire that she tries to start. However, he also doesn't put his foot down. I've asked him to do so, but he has never been one to like confrontation, so I think for him it's just easier to ignore her comments versus challenging them. I think what makes me so angry about all of this is that I am a very honest person, so for her to essentially talk behind my back makes me angry. And the comments about MY family? That's a whole new level of anger that I can't even articulate. Especially since my family is functional, gets along, and genuinely loves each other. (Of note: my husband even recognizes and has commented on this, as he PREFERS to spend the holidays with my family over his own).

Sorry for ranting, I just don't understand people. I need to start setting boundaries and creating some distance now, or it will only get worse when LO is born. Thanks again everyone.

Disneygeek77 · November 2015

Tell him that if he doesn't tell her to stop, then you will and you promise you won't be nice about it.

So mad I could scream

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