How to tell very close friend that JUST had a miscarriage about pregnancy

jabberjones · November 2015

Hello all! I'm asking for suggestions/what would you do under the circumstances. A little background: my very close friend that we normally share everything with just had a miscarriage at 8 weeks literally hours before I took the pregnancy test she texted me with the horrible news. She knew we had been TTC for 6 months now with no luck (I have erratic cycles) and they had during this time decided to go for #4 and got pregnant on their 2nd month of trying. To make it even crazier, we're neighbors and my DS and her DS play together all the time. I've been there to talk with her and help her (we lost our first baby before our DS was born) and she had never gone through a loss like this before so we've shared a lot, hugged a lot, etc. I know this is so very very difficult for her and I know how I felt at that point and this would be the LAST thing I would want to know so I plan to wait definitely a month and let more time go by and a little bit of healing (that's my plan at least). But...anyone gone through anything like this? HELP! She told me the DAY she got a BFP and I would have normally done the same but I know how very hard that would be now and don't want to hurt her. Thanks for any advice!

juliagulia38 · November 2015

I've been in this position. I've been the one that just had a miscarriage and my friend(s) found out they were pregnant. As much as it hurt me going through that, it wasn't right for me to be mad at my friends for being pregnant. I was upset at my situation but happy for them. It took my a LONG time for me to grieve the miscarriage. If it was me, I would tell her sooner then later. I didn't want people to think they needed to walk on egg shells around me. If that makes sense. But you know her and I don't. I think telling her in person would be better to. She might not react the best way especially if she is hurting, but that is to be expected. I'm sorry. This is a tough situation.

Singingmama10 · November 2015

I have been in your position before. My closest friend had a MC about 2 months before I found out I was pregnant. Her's was after two rounds of IVF so it hurt that much more that she finally got pregnant and then mc'd. One thing that she told me (because she knew I was trying) was that I better tell her when I get pregnant. So I told her right away. Because we were SO close I think if I hadn't, it would have stung that much more. It was an awkward, short, and very hard conversation. She was happy for me but also hurt at the same time.

The thing that she always told me bugged her the most, regarding her infertility, was that people always gave her the "sad face" when talking about pregnancy or totally avoided the conversation around her. It sucks!!! It's not fun... but I think avoiding it and waiting (at least in my situation) would have made it worse.

nopegoat · November 2015

I honestly wouldn't tell her in person. I would tell her through some sort of message (text, email, messenger) that way she can process it on her own without having to put on a polite happy face especially since the pain of her loss is probably raw still. Then let her come to you when she feels ready to respond.

retas · November 2015

I agree with messaging her too, when I was grieving my miscarriage I appreciated the heads up through texting so I could process the info and be truley happy and sincere when I did see the happy mom to be. Truth be told although it wasn't their pregnancy that I wanted for myself every announcement first came with a reminder of my loss

SaraC381 · November 2015

My sister found out that she was pregnant the day I lost our last at 17 weeks. She waited until the next week until after I had the D&C and called me a couple days later. It really depends on what your friend is like, but I kind of disagree with telling her via text message. To me it just seems impersonal. I appreciated that my sister actually called me rather than sending a message. Either way, I would just give her time and space afterwards to deal with it all. I had a hard time being around my sister for a few weeks after. Of course her complaining about how bad she felt made it worse than it could have been.

MrsBinPA · November 2015

When I had my MC my friend of more than 20 years told me she was pregnant immediately after I finished telling her I had lost mine....it was on my birthday (2 weeks after my loss). She was due almost the same day I was, so it was early enough in her pregnancy she could have waited until a different day to tell me.

I haven't seen her since & have little desire to. I think it was about the most insensitive thing anyone has ever done to me.

I would give it a little bit.

juliagulia38 · November 2015

MrsBinPA said:
When I had my MC my friend of more than 20 years told me she was pregnant immediately after I finished telling her I had lost mine....it was on my birthday (2 weeks after my loss). She was due almost the same day I was, so it was early enough in her pregnancy she could have waited until a different day to tell me.

I haven't seen her since & have little desire to. I think it was about the most insensitive thing anyone has ever done to me.

I would give it a little bit.

Oh my goodness. That is really insensitive. I'm so sorry. I would never tell a friend right after she told me her awful news. I can't believe she would do that especially since y'all were friends for so long.

valleyvice · November 2015

I've been on the receiving end of the news, and I can tell you, anyone who has ever suffered a miscarriage only wants & hopes for the best when it comes to those they love. I'm sure she will be thrilled for you. I miscarried in July and my best friend who had been trying for 6 months got pregnant shortly after my loss. She waited until she was 12 weeks to tell me, not for my sake, but explained my experience made her much more cautious and she wanted to make sure the pregnancy was viable before sharing the news. I completely understood. So having said that, do it when you feel most comfortable. You have to gauge the situation and your friends emotional condition and do what feels right. I think though the best medium is over the phone. A text is too impersonal, and an in-person reveal may be too direct if your friend wants space and time to digest the information.

Plus, it appears she's really fertile. Maybe she'll get pregnant again soon. Look how it turned out for me... I'm sure my best friend dreaded sharing the news with me after my loss, but now I can't wait to tell my friend that we're going to be due 3 months apart!

Good luck!

fantasticmrsfox · November 2015

Having recently experienced a loss, I would recommend telling her either in a message or in person. I had a closer friend who knew about our miscarriage hide it from me then announce on Facebook.
I would rather have been told, even if it would have hurt a little, I'm still happy for her!

BostonBaby1 · November 2015

I would say definitely wait to tell her. I know that you plan to wait a month, and I think that that's a really good time to tell her. Once you get the OK that you're safely in to your second trimester, let her know before you announce it to anybody. Definitely don't post it on Facebook or announce it before you get the chance to tell her and give her a few days to process. I know personally, that is the best way that my friends have let me know that they were pregnant after my losses. She may need time and space, or she may be OK with it… there's no way to tell but the chance is greater that she's going to need some space. Either way, if you tell her without shoving it in her face and without having her find out through another source, she will find it to be an easier pill to swallow. I think it shows that you're very good friend that you're considering how she's going to feel right now.

jabberjones · November 2015

Thank you all SO MUCH for the advice and sharing your experiences, too! It's just such delicate situation and the last thing I want to do is hurt her more than the pain she's already experienced. I understand it too, because as I said, I lost our first baby and I know how I felt at that time. I've just never been in this situation before and honestly I would have expected if anything for it to be the other way around. I go to the the doctor tomorrow to get a u/s to make sure it's in my uterus because my first pregnancy was ectopic and now I have a higher risk. We haven't told anyone yet (well except I guess you awesome ladies, haha!) because of that and I would NEVER put it on Facebook before telling everyone we're even remotely close with. It's just more of how I should handle the situation with her and when would be best. Again, thank you!!!

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