How are you and your SO after the baby?

Blubandit85 · November 2015

We are in a rocky spot since the baby came. I believe he thinks I love the baby more than him since I have to give so much time to the baby. I don't think he knew it was going to be this much work and take up so much time. Instead of soothing the baby he just lets him cry sometimes because he believes in the whole "you will spoil the baby" bs. I always tell him he need something or he just wants to be held or interaction. I ask him all the time if he is ok and he says that he is but I know he's not telling the whole truth. I knew a baby would change things but I wasn't expecting the marriage to change that much.

How are you and the SO doing?

shaina925 · November 2015

With my hormones out of whack (5 weeks pp) I am a mess and very hard to deal with, However, SO doesn't do much to try to help, and seems annoyed sometimes when the baby cries. We definitely have very tough days, some are better than others. We also haven't really been intamate expect for once or twice in the past few months, so that doesn't help.

cuphalffull · November 2015

We are in the same boat. I realize my hormones are crazy, but DH gets so easily irritated when LO is difficult to settle down, if I go to the bathroom and she starts to fuss he gets all irritated and wants to know why she is so fussy. I usually take care of things around the house, but I thought he would step up a bit more than he has. The not being intimate as often as he would like or we used to has also bothered him a lot. He was deployed when dd1 was born and came back when she was 9 months, so I think it has been a lot more work than he thought.

shaina925 · November 2015

I'm glad this post was started, because I thought I was alone .

Kayciejoe56 · November 2015

We had a rough weekend here! I kinda feel like the novelty of lo has worn off a little. He is still such an amazing dad and loves DS like crazy, but I think he thinks life should be back to normal now. He doesn't feel the need to cater to me like he did in the first few weeks. Not that I need the attention, mostly just that if he's home, the extra set of hands makes life easier!

I am not so much concerned with how much he helps with the baby. I'm still on maternity leave and he works early mornings. But I don't think he realizes how much work it is. He makes plans and doesnt account for how long it takes me to get both me and LO ready. Meanwhile, he takes his time in the shower and gets his workout in, and then asks how much longer we are going to be. He also likes to randomly interject his ideas about LOs schedule, like "hes not tired yet, he doesn't need a nap" or my favorite "he'll go to sleep when hes tired". Fast forward to 30 minutes later when I'm trying to put an overtired, screaming baby down for a nap. If you haven't done a whole day alone with him, you don't get a vote on his schedule!

jen83mn · November 2015

We had a tough time around 5-6 weeks postpartum. My husband went back to work after 4 weeks, but toward the end of his time off, I think he was ready to go back to work. Having a newborn was a lot harder than he had expected and he missed the social interaction and hated being cooped up in the house every day (we did take daily walks). After he went back to work things were better for a little bit, but then I started to feel like he's rather be anywhere but home with me and the baby. That wasn't the case, but between him feeling really overwhelmed with caring for a baby (baby was really fussy around 6 weeks right when he got home from work) and me being more emotional than usual, it was a tough week. I ended up breaking down crying, we had a good talk, and determined we needed some time away from baby together to help our relationship. That weekend we had a lunch date alone while my mom watched baby and I made a point not to talk about baby ... it was so nice and just what we needed! Once baby is a little older we'll make it a point to take weekly dates, but for now we're doing every other week and having grandma watch him for a few hours.

Fast-forward to now, 9 weeks pp, and things are definitely better now that we're in the groove, but I sat my husband down for a "redistribution of chores" conversation this weekend. His mom came over for two hours earlier this week to give me a break, but how did I spend my two hours of "me" time? Cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes, returning baby items at Target, and picking up diapers. So much fun, right? I told my DH now that baby is here I need him to take over a few of the chores I would normally do since I'm devoting at least 3 hours of my day to nursing and 1 hour to pumping and whenever I do have a free moment, I end up having to use that time to do laundry or pay bills or take a shower and I never actually get "fun" time. Meanwhile, he has time to relax on the weekends and play Soduko and do crossword puzzles and watch football, etc. I told him I didn't expect him to do chores all weekend, but if he could just take 1-1.5 hours on the weekend to help me out with the chores, that would save me so much time and stress. And that if he sees something that he could do to help out, just do it without me having to ask. So we'll see how it goes!

Things have also improved after I got the "all-clear" at my 6-week appt. While I haven't gotten my sex drive back yet and am rarely in the mood, I've been trying to keep things healthy in that regard because DH has been super patient when we weren't able to have sex most of second tri or any of third tri. Plus, I notice he's a heck of a lot more pleasant to be around when he's getting some, haha.

So, my advice? Communicate. Go on lunch dates or date nights. Ask your husband to pick up some of the chore slack (and be specific about how he can help). And have sex, even if it's the last thing you want to do!

jessbruxanovaa · November 2015

My whole pregnancy SO and I were very distant and fought a lot. Never had sex because he refused. Our baby is what saved out relationship. We're more intimate than ever and when he says his "family comes first". Melts my heart. Hope that all of these good times will help me get through all the bad times.

jennsuzanne87 · November 2015

We definitely have to communicate with a ton of intention now, that's for sure. We are both very independent and must make sure we really run things by the other person to avoid conflict.

Before we had LO people always told me :"Your husband becomes second when the baby gets here" which was advice I hated.

First off, there's no room for first or second place- we're a team. There's no totem pole in our relationship, we jointly care for DS and that's something we have been sure to talk about a lot. I think having that out in the open from more or less day one of the pregnancy has helped hugely.

I definitely have found I need to be incredibly direct in communication, and that's an adjustment.

kmcshane0211 · November 2015

My husband has been great. I attribute that to two things. 1. He's a family man- very into me and now into our daughter. 2. My expectations of him. I don't expect him to feel (and sometimes invest) as much as I. He loves to workout and play on a recreational softball team. That's his outlet. So, before baby came I told him to keep playing. From birth to week 6 he was gone two nights a week for games. He knew how much that took from me and I'm pretty sure I've seen that investment returned ten fold. Daily he encourages me to take time for myself, get out of the house for an hour, etc. He's that kind of person. I give a little and get a lot in return. I appreciate him for that.

In terms of our time together, I just realllly miss him. Some days I think I am adjusting more slowly than he. I miss our alone time and the quality of our time together. Pre-birth I planned an overnight trip to a place an hour away. I didn't want to bring baby. I now realize it's too much to ask grandparents to feed baby in the middle of the night and told him let's just cancel. Without blinking an eye, he suggested we just being our daughter along and spend the time as a family. It meant so much to me to have him suggest that.

imakegorgeousbabies · November 2015

This is our third baby im10 weeks pp and we fight every few days my pregnancy was great but when I gave birth he just did a 360 it started when I was in the hospital idk what's going on or if it will ever get better the fights have just gotten worse each time we have been together over 9 years and I don't want to throw that away I have just been taking it day by day some days are amazing and then something snapps!

chelseajeanene · November 2015

We were great until my husband went back to work, and now he's kind of an asshole. The last two weeks of him being at work have sucked for our relationship. I've started to dread when be comes home from work because I know he's just going to be unpleasant. We've been fighting a lot more and this isn't typically us at all. He takes everything out on me and talks to me with no respect when he's like this. He comes home and wants to sit on his iPad until he goes to sleep. Won't pick up the baby..and if I say "go say hi to daddy!" He gets annoyed an gives some excuse why he "can't." I really hope something changes soon because in 7 years I've never thought about leaving him but I've started to now..

BeachBabe22 · November 2015

Our situation is completely different because my husband is deployed so I have our two month old and three year old completely on my own. I was also pretty much on my own during my entire pregnancy because he was away for a long training trip then deployed at the end. I am used to doing all of the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the babes all on my own. It's frustrating but we really don't have any other choice. My husband has been great and we get to FaceTime a lot. He is very appreciative of everything I have to do on my own and he makes sure to tell me that because sometimes I feel like everything is chaotic. Our biggest adjustment will be when he gets home from deployment because our routines will change and I will definitely want a break but I know he will too since he's been so busy this past year.

jbettles · November 2015

This is baby #2 and it has gone much better because I think hubby knew more what to expect. One thing he still struggles with is how, since bf'ing has gone so well this time (by this point with #1 I was ep), I'm truly tied to the baby. He doesn't get why I don't want a beer in the evenings or how I literally have to schedule time to shower or run to the store around the baby's eating habits. He makes comments about how my boobs belong to the baby. Yesterday, I told him that I know bf'ing can suck but think of how good it is for baby and how much money it saves us... And he was all taken aback and said how he utterly and completely supports it. I think sometimes they can't see and hear themselves as far as how they come across to us. Then if we point it out they are offended/upset and lash back.

imsoexcited915 · November 2015

My husband is fantastic. He is so into the baby and he helps out so much. Way more than I would have ever expected. He cooks, cleans (not as good as me but still he does it) and food shops. He alternates with me doing night shifts and waking to feed baby even during the work week. He says he likes doing it and he wants me to get rest. He is truly a family man and tells me he loves our life together randomly out of the blue. He encourages me to have my alone time out of the house to do what I need to do and I can see how much he enjoys his daddy-daughter time together. All in all our daughter has made us that much stronger. I'm so blessed.

MiromiM · November 2015

We are doing better. Overall, my husband handled the first 6 weeks better than I did. Part of this was hormones, and the other was my BP medication which made me incredibly lethargic, moody, and uninterested in food. DD was fussy and up almost hourly day and night. Because I EBF and DH worries about her getting sick, I felt like I could never leave the house and when I did, I didn't want to go back. I admit, he was a much better parent and partner than I was early on. I was so angry and miserable.

Things are better now. She sleeps. I sleep. He sleeps. She laughs and smiles. We laugh and smile too. On the weekends and evenings we all play together. At night we bathe her together, read a quick story together, and even sing lullaby's (sometimes in harmony) together. She goes down well in the evenings and we even get an hour afterwards to do couple things before heading off to bed ourselves.

ETA: Things that have helped: When DD is having a good day, I do house chores, leaving evening and weekend time free for more fun. I also prep for dinner (think TV chef style cooking) that way it's fast for him to put together when he gets home. If I have time to relax in the day, I make sure he does too after work. DD has a fussy period sometimes from six to eight. I'll take her for a walk or we'll walk together. Also, we do a 10 min rotation where one of us is in the nursery soothing her and we switch off every ten minutes.

beansideirae · November 2015

our situation is a little more complicated, I guess it had been building for a while but during my pregnancy we got really disconnected, and turns out hubby had an emotional affair. but a couple weeks after baby was born, when she made real eye contact with him for the first time, that seems to have really melted him and turned things around. so now he is being really good to both of us and trying to make up for his behavior before. it's a lot to deal with because I'm still so angry, but at the same time I'm grateful that I got my husband back finally, things had been strained for a long time.

anyway now that he's being involved, he loves holding her, talking to her, even bathing her; but he gets super grossed out about diapers. last time he tried to do one he had to stop and let me finish, haha. but he's cooking and cleaning, and we have "dates" watching tv after baby goes to bed (thankfully she's a good sleeper!) and eating pizza or whatever. we're broke, so it's not like we could afford to really go out even if we didn't have a baby.

cait040415 · November 2015

Ugh. It's been so much harder than I thought. We talked a lot about keeping our relationship strong pre-baby, but now that baby is here, it's hard. I actually think it has more to do with me than DH honestly. He has been working out of town 4 days a week and being home doing everything for the baby I think has made me resentful. I know that I can do it by myself and when he comes home and tries to help, I get irritated because he does it differently than I do or does it wrong..then if he doesn't help, I'm just as annoyed. It doesn't help either that I feel like his time at work is fun for him, because he can have guy time and no responsibilities. When I tried to talk to him about how distant I feel when he is gone, he said he feels closer to me and baby because he misses us...wtf?? I didn't even know how to answer that. I think this weekend helped a little bit because I got the all clear for sex and we could be intimate and we got out and had some time with friends, but in my opinion, we still have a ways to go to get back to our "normal". Marriage post baby is HARD.

tlc11934 · November 2015

DH and Inare very different than most couples I know. We operate well individually - keep our finances separate, go to girls nights/guys nights more frequently than we have date nights, etc and it works for us. He has much better maternal instincts than I do and has done a lot of the child care with all three kids. He is also the primary caregiver when I'm not on Mat leave as I travel frequently and he works from home. He cooks and cleans and reads to the kids. I think it's great! The only trouble is that sometimes he thinks he's the best (at diaper changing, bath giving, etc) to which I say "fine, you can do it all the time!"

visualcircus · November 2015

Becoming a FTM is hard on our marriage, and me. I've spent a good couple of days crying. Don't get me wrong, DH is great in helping out and taking care of us, but I didn't think he got that our lives mostly revolve around the baby's needs right now which involves a lot of couch sitting. Also.. any "me time" is taking a nap while the baby naps. Although I nurse a lot, watching Netflix is not high on my list and I don't count it as getting a break from the baby.

Also, besides being basically newlyweds, we both quit our jobs, moved states, bought a house.. and then adding a baby to the mix there is so much else at play. (I don't recommend all these changes all at once!)

We went to a marriage retreat to work on communication, and had several sit down talks. I really need him more than ever right now to be 100% there to talk to me when he's home for work and rearrange his schedule to have his free time from 8pm-10pm. I get out twice a week to go to the gym by myself, and we started introducing formula 1-2 times a week to give me some sanity and a break from EBF/pumping. While there are moms groups, library time, church activities-- I really think alone time is what I missed and its helping me regain some normalcy.

booksandcleverness81 · November 2015

My DH is on and off. Some days he's totally fine and enjoys taking baby in the morning so I can sleep, others he's cynical and very negative about how LO has stolen me away and how he doesn't matter anymore. He also has NO patience for crying, especially at night when we're trying to hang out together. He complains about how we'll never be able to go out again or travel until we're 60 (drama queen anyone?). A lot of this I think would be better if we could sleep (Zzzz) together again, but he refuses to sleep with DS or the monitor because he can't stand his sleep being messed up. He knows this is selfish and high maintenance, but it's just one of his faults and he accepts it. I don't know, I think the older DS gets the better things will be, especially when he's sleeping through the night. But right now it can really suck some days...

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