Impatient SO — The Bump
May 2016 Moms

Impatient SO

I'm 11W2D, I've pretty much been nauseated and exhausted since we found out.  This is our second pregnancy, the first one ended in a M/C at around 8 weeks.  My husband is a VERY productive human.  Normally, this is an amazing wonderful quality that I love about him.  I'm productive too, but no where near his level.  I have been trying to keep up with work and stuff around the house, but it so hard when all I want to do is nap and puke. 

We decided if this doesn't get better by our next dr appt, I'm going to ask for an RX to help with the nausea.

He is so frustrated with me for "being lazy and complaining all the time".  I wish he could understand its not that I don't want to do things, it's not that I want to puke...but he just doesn't get it.  He's convinced it mental thing, like mind over matter.  He thinks that if I get up and move around I'll feel better, I won't be as tired and as sick.

Anyone else dealing with this?  How do you get them to understand it's not a choice, it's not forever (I hope!).  I've even told him, at this point I wish there were some reward for all this crap, like I would look pregnant (not just bloated), or feel the baby move.

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Re: Impatient SO

  • My husband has bouts of that behavior. I've had to remind him that no matter what he did that day it doesn't compare to building a life. Especially as i also work full time. I also give him specifics on what I'd been feeling that results in lack of obvious productivity. What little is going in and the many ways it's trying to come out. That helps I think. He's got no connection to the baby otherwise. Nothing but bloat to touch and a tired wife. Not fun I'm sure. I'm trying to educate him on the process as he is not making the effort for himself. The second trimester can't come fast enough for either of us.
  • My husband asked me this morning "When are you going to feel better!?" like he was annoyed with me. I just told him that I'm very sorry that me feeling like crap is an inconvenience for him. Its hard when you feel so bad and also feel like other people think you are making up/exaggerating. I'm lucky that even though my husband really hasn't been helping me out as much as I would like, for the most part he at least acts like he feels bad for me and believes me that I'm feeling really rough. But its still hard, and sometimes I feel like I'm trying to convince him that I'm not making it up. Wish I had advice! Maybe find an online article or something that details the symptoms of early pregnancy and have him take a look. Anybody who says its mind over matter is nuts! I've never felt this bad for so long in my life, why would we pretend?!


    LemmyRNDutchLucyLu
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  • My husband says things like "you need to just suck it up and deal" or complains about the slowing pace in housework as well. He already has (grown) kids from a previous relationship and apparently she didn't have a lot of bad symptoms so I think that's why mine assumes I'm being a big wussy baby.

    I know how he is and that he won't change overnight so I just tell him no and that he's the one who has to deal. No point in me getting stressed. I just let it roll off and remind myself that soon I will have energy and that these dizzy spells will pass.
  • My DH was like that when I was pg with our 1st. He believed that I only puked 8 times a day because I told myself I was going to puke. The same mind over matter crap. I wasn't puking and exhausted forever though, it does end. I'm not sure why it's so hard for men to understand but unless they go through it themselves I don't think they ever will.

    He's been a lot better this time, but I think part of that is only because he realizes I won't feel like this the entire 9 months and there will come a day that I'll be more pleasant to be around. And of course that there will be a baby at the end of all of this.

    I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but I can promise that you won't feel like this forever!

  • I'm mostly here to tell you it's NOT in your head. I am SUPER productive and cannot stand sitting around doing nothing, but the more I pushed myself during the nausea period, the worse it got. I started trying to pick just one thing to accomplish... and the only cooking I could manage was putting a frozen lasagna in the oven. Fortunately, my husband is ridiculously supportive, but I've been super hard on myself feeling really lazy and unhelpful. But, really, truly, it's not in your head. And it's not mind over matter. Working through it makes it worse.
    ~~Signature Trigger Warning~~

    Me: 32; Him: 36
    Married: Oct 20, 2013
    BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
    EDD 1: May 12, 2016
    DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
    An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)

    BFP 2: October 07, 2019
    EDD 2: June 20, 2020


    LemmyRN
  • I'm mostly here to tell you it's NOT in your head. I am SUPER productive and cannot stand sitting around doing nothing, but the more I pushed myself during the nausea period, the worse it got. I started trying to pick just one thing to accomplish... and the only cooking I could manage was putting a frozen lasagna in the oven. Fortunately, my husband is ridiculously supportive, but I've been super hard on myself feeling really lazy and unhelpful. But, really, truly, it's not in your head. And it's not mind over matter. Working through it makes it worse.

    This. I started feeling better this past week and tried to jump on a lot of tasks. By noon I would feel horrible again. If I take it slow I can usually make it through the whole day without feeling like complete crap. It sucks to be lagging and unproductive all the time, and a lot of guys just don't get it (you're not alone in that either), but it will get better.
    jenl1681artteacher19
  • I guess I'm pretty lucky to have a sympathetic spouse. He says it's probably because his parents had a lot of health issues when he was young so he learned to help take care of people at a young age. I think I'm the one that's being so hard on myself. I'm constantly exhausted and nauseous (@ 10wks) about all I can do is sit on the couch... if it's a day I work, I'll come home and go straight to bed even if it's only 7. I keep apologizing to him about not cleaning the house or cooking him dinner and he's all no big deal, you rest and try to keep food and plenty of liquids down. That's what's important right now.
    countrygrl5533Luxani
  • I am this person, right now. It's no fun, because I'm usually so motivated and productive and right now I'm just... not. What's worse is that I'm not actually having hideous morning sickness or anything like that - I'm not throwing up constantly. I'm just constantly on the edge of nausea, get lightheaded if I get too exuberant, and have a perpetual mental fog over my brain that's making it hard to focus on getting anything done. Also I hate looking at food and since I'm responsible for preparing at least two thirds of the meals in our household, this has gotten real difficult. I need to buy some frozen lasagnas or something.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • It sucks! Yesterday we spent the entire afternoon walking around (while I was on Unisom so I was a zombie!), and when I got home I sat down to rest for a few minutes.....aaaaand got a huge lecture from my SO on how I'm so lazy and irresponsible. Nope, just exhausted. 

    What's funny to me is the guys who are quick to say it's "all in our heads" or accuse us of being lazy are the ones who get the worst man flu. SMH. 
    JessicaB0627LemmyRN
  • Wow, sorry some of yall are dealing with that. My SO has been very supportive. He puts up with all my complaining and bad attitude, and never makes me feel bad for feeling sick or tired. He usually tells me not to do things and rest instead. Reading this makes me really appreciate him.
    image
    countrygrl5533
  • Luxani said:

    Wow, sorry some of yall are dealing with that. My SO has been very supportive. He puts up with all my complaining and bad attitude, and never makes me feel bad for feeling sick or tired. He usually tells me not to do things and rest instead. Reading this makes me really appreciate him.

    Yep, after reading this thread, I thanked my husband so being understanding. He has really taken on a lot since I've been so tired. He read "Dad's Guide to Pregnancy for Dummies" so that may have helped him understand more.
    *Siggy Warning*
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

    Luxani
  • DH was wonderful when I was nauseated, but now that I'm down to fatigue and headaches, he's not so understanding. I can't wait to get my anemia back under control; DH has never really understood how cripplingly tired and dizzy that makes me...and it's even more difficult with a baby on the way and a toddler.
    I grocery shopped and cleaned the house this morning, so I crawled in bed with DS for part of his nap today. I wish work had naptime.


    LemmyRN
  • @mrslampert I've learned that sometimes I just have to let my pregnant rage out.

    When DH hints at me being lazy, I just lose it. I follow that up with texting and email bombing of articles related to what my body is currently doing. It usually works wonders and gets me an apology. However, it appears DH has short term memory loss one pregnancy to the next because we've recently had this argument alllll over again.

    I recently reminded him of his worst hangovers and asked him if he could imagine what that would feel like everyday.

    I love my DH. We have a terrific marriage and he's a great husband, he's just a super productive person and expects me to be able to keep up. Not so much....
    LemmyRN
  • My SO doesn't hound me for being lazy but he does get annoyed with me "complaining" all the time and my attitude. I try not to whine about him eating chips beside me (I've always had a problem with people chewing loud around me.. right now it's 1000 times worse!!) Or bitch when he doesn't rinse a plate. Etc. I can 100% understand how that would be annoying but I feel like he just doesn't understand that i really truly can't help it which in turns makes me more angry (or sad depending on the emotion state at that time lol)

    I just wish they could experience what we go through even if it's just for a day or 2.
  • mjAndermjAnder member
    edited November 2015
    This is tough, my SO read Jim gaffigin's (sp?) book, i think it's called dad is fat... it's super funny, and yet really supportive and positive about children, his wife, and pregnancy. He makes jokes that sometimes his wife gets really lazy, "or as she calls it pregnant", but then validates how hard this really is on a woman in a comedic way. I think it helped my SO understand that this is normal, and real. He was super agitated with my first pregnancy, but after we m/c, he has been much more patient and supportive this time. I hope things get better for you!
    dshannah
  • Coming from his side (super productive / always busy building or working on something) he basically needs to just get over it. The way I see it is that being pregnant is the ultimate hall pass.Typically from mid-afternoon on Mrs. Schicksal is what I would describe as being mildly hung over. She'll have a headache, isn't very hungry or just wanting something random like 1/8 of a banana that I have to finish the rest of even though I don't want any. The best you can do is just help them through it and hope that things turn around soon.

    Our doctor said it's a hormonal thing, not wanting to loaf around being lazy. He needs to trust yours, they're a professional.
    Bluejay3030
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