Unmarried and pregnant?

blaisdew · October 2015

Hi! I was just wondering if anyone else has a SO but is not married, and what their experience is with being pregnant in this situation. My partner and I have been together for 6 years and own a house together. We have talked about getting married but have decided that neither of us feels that we need to, or that it's even a responsible decision right now. If we got married, we would have a large wedding because of our large families and it would be expensive. Between the mortgage, student loans, and a baby it just doesn't make sense for us. It also isn't just about the money, but just that we are happy exactly as we are. We are common law, are not religious, and just feel that marriage is not necessary for us. We are committed to one another and he is my favourite person. We planned this pregnancy, and yet I sometimes still feel a sense of judgement from others. His family is amazing, but especially some of the older members of my family will ask us when we are getting married. One aunt even said she didn't know how to explain to her children that I am pregnant because I'm not married (??). It's just frustrating... Anyways, is anyone else in the same boat? Just curious!

denehee · October 2015

Hi- I'm in the same boat. We have been together 9 years but do not live in a common law state. We own two houses together and are otherwise financially one. We planned the pregnancy and were fine not being married. We each have our own personal reasons (mine is my mother was married 6 times, he was married before very young and it wrecked him financially). However, I am already starting to feel uncomfortable and some pressure in being non traditional. The one person I've told about our pregnancy asked " was it umm..." And I had to fill in "planned, yes!". Then at my first prenatal visit the options for my status were Single - Married - Divorced - Seperated - Widowed. I don't know how I'll feel as we go along but I do know both of these situations bothered me. I didn't think they would. They didn't make me want to be married but I also didn't want to have to explain myself. Through discussions with friends about us wanting to have children, my two biggest concerns that I need to reconcile are that I'll likely be treated as a step parent by daycare/school unless I specifically tell people and that my child will not feel"normal" amongst their peers. I'm starting to personally feel how much society dislikes people that are different or nontraditional. Not sure if you are feeling any of this yet or are completely comfortable with your decision....I just didn't think I would so quickly. Maybe I just care too much what others think. Any words of advice would be reassuring!

dshannah · October 2015

I know some folks who use the word partner to emphasize the not married but committed state. Also, you can write "partnered" on medical forms and they can just freaking deal with it.

Good luck and good for you for resisting conformity!

blaisdew · October 2015

@denehee thank you! And I've come across a few situations similar to this. Another thing I think about is our baby's last name (eventually). I am coming to like not being married more and more and really think we will stick with this situation for at least a few years, but it's hard knowing I won't share a last name with my child. If we did get married I don't think I would change my name anyways, but just in general I'm jealous that my partner will have the same last name as our baby.

My partner likes to think we are the torchbearers for future generations who will choose to be commited without marriage, judgement free. I do feel that as long as I'm confident about my decision and know it's right, it doesn't really matter what other people will think. That's easier said than done, maybe. And with daycare- the people running it and working there will know you're the mom and that's really all that matters. I think we need to just respect ourselves, our decisions, and our relationships and keep doing what we are doing. Soon it will become much more common.

Also-- I've come across a couple people who are married and choose to refer to their husband or wife as their "partner" which I think is kind of great. Categorizes relationships less.

pelicanesque · October 2015

In a similar boat. Engaged for about a year. We've been together for over 7 years total though. We planned on getting married at some point and we started trying to conceive in case it took a while (it didn't). Maybe because I'm in NYC, no one bats an eye, and even our families don't seem to care...about anything. We eventually plan on getting married, but with the impending baby and an ongoing house reno, it's just not something we're prioritizing.

I know more than a handful of unmarried couples raising kids together without getting married. I suspect this may have to do with insurance, though. Maybe in NY single mothers get free health care for their babies?

I'm hoping it ends up not being too bad for you ladies dealing with less than thrilled family members. I bet once they meet the baby they won't care about the marriage thing anymore! Or that's at least the hope, right?

pelicanesque · October 2015

blaisdew said:
One aunt even said she didn't know how to explain to her children that I am pregnant because I'm not married (??).

My fiancé's neice, when she was a bit younger, absolutely refused to call me her "aunt" (when asked to by someone else) because I wasn't married to her uncle. Ugghhh.

MsIan · October 2015

My SO and i are recently engaged. And like the rest of you we planned this pregnancy. The older generation is a bit judgmental but all my friends are super happy. We announced to a couple of people yesterday that we were having a boy and one person turned to him and said "did you know??" We plan on getting married but I'm not going to be in a wedding dress while pregnant. I refuse. lol. My mom even asked yesterday "why haven't you guys set a date?" Because I have 6 more months of this pregnancy mom... I understand the marriage route, the traditional route, and all routes in between. As long as you're confident everyone else has no choice but to fall in line or get out of the way.

countrygrl5533 · October 2015

I'm one of those ones that just doesn't get it. Not so much judgement just don't understand. I'm a huge fan of marriage (hate weddings, though). If you're going to be committed, why not be fully committed? Breaking up is just as hard as divorce if you've been together a long time. So I am honestly asking, not asking in a judge-y way, why not be married? It just seems so much easier to me in so many ways to just marry....not saying anyone in this thread in particular, just in general.

Again, not judging, really just curious as I don't understand this way of thought.

seasalt123 · October 2015

I am not married and I see no need for it. I don't like weddings, would never change my last name, and am already committed to my SO. I don't see married couples as being any more committed. We own a home together and are having a baby together; it's just as hard for us to separate as a married couple, as @countrygrl5533 pointed out. I'm legally and emotionally no less committed than a married person, so clearly a lack of commitment isn't a factor. I honestly just don't see the point. At all.

Why would I spend money and time to do something I see no point in and which means nothing to me? If getting married was really important to my SO I might reconsider, but he feels the same way. Likewise, he would marry me if I felt it was important. It's so NOT important to either of us, that we'd have no trouble marrying the other person just to make them happy. However, we're both happy as is, I've told my family since I was a child that I had no intention of getting married, so I'm lucky I don't deal with any family speculation. They are used to me and my stubborn ways. :-)

The biggest challenge I have is what to refer to him as. I can't very well call him my 'SO', or any other handy forum acronyms in real life. Boyfriend sounds juvenile and I dislike the word partner.

However, to each their own. I actually don't hate going to weddings (just don't like the idea of having one) and am so happy for my friends when they get married because I can see what it means to them. Different strokes for different folks.

pelicanesque · October 2015

@seasalt123 we had that same problem prior to being engaged of calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Becoming engaged (without setting a date) hasn't changed our relationship much and solved that problem. We have noticed though that we now get inundated with "oh, when's the date!", but only from non-family and non-friends.

I'm in the same boat where I've been to several weddings in the last few years with prego brides, but it's not for me! Maybe because I want to drink at my wedding

pelicanesque · October 2015

countrygrl5533 said:
I'm one of those ones that just doesn't get it. Not so much judgement just don't understand. I'm a huge fan of marriage (hate weddings, though). If you're going to be committed, why not be fully committed? Breaking up is just as hard as divorce if you've been together a long time. So I am honestly asking, not asking in a judge-y way, why not be married? It just seems so much easier to me in so many ways to just marry....not saying anyone in this thread in particular, just in general.

Again, not judging, really just curious as I don't understand this way of thought.

Sounds like a cultural thing. In liberal NYC, people definitely don't care as much. And with the exception of my Catholic mother getting bent out of shape when I moved in with my boyfriend when I was 18 (to "live in sin out of wedlock"), our families don't care either. My parents, who have 3 daughters and 0 grandchildren care more about having grandchildren than having their daughters be married, it seems.

Maybe it's age, too? I'm 32 (once divorced) and he's 41.

Luxani · October 2015

My SO and I aren't married, but we did plan this baby. We've both been married before. I really don't care to get married again (at this time), but SO is much more old fashioned so I'm thinking he'll want to get married eventually. I think if he really wants to, I'll consider the marriage thing. For now though, I could really care less. His mother probably isn't super pleased about our situation but she's not pleased with many situations. . Other people, I'm sure, don't agree with it but honestly I don't care one bit what other people think

countrygrl5533 · October 2015

@pelicanesque- I don't think it is a cultural thing. There are plenty of people here in New England that do the commitment without marriage thing. I just don't understand it personally. I'm 29 and my DH is 31 so can't blame age either.

Thank you all who answered. I still don't "get it" and probably never will but appreciate the answers.

seasalt123 · October 2015

We're all different @countrygrl5533. I don't get why someone would spend money and hassle to get married but I understand the meaning and value some of my friends place on it, so I am happy for them. I am not against marriage - I simply see it as an irrelevant and outdated concept which has no meaning for me. Buying a place and having a baby = meaning and commitment to me. But everyone is different and that's ok :-)

TheThornBird · October 2015

We aren't married and won't be anytime soon, but this was an oops baby and things have been rocky between us lately. So I'm not in any rush to tie the knot (although my SO really wants to). Although I would like to get married someday, I just don't see how it would benefit me right now.

I've also always HATED weddings and never wanted one. I'd rather just take a trip to a beach and get married there with just us- no family or friends. Or run off to Vegas. Or go to the courthouse. Anything but feel like an idiot in a stupid dress and have all the attention on me (I hate attention!). But our families seem pretty upset over this, so for now it's just easier not to be married.

pbandjyummies · October 2015

I definitely understand that some people don't want to get married and completely respect that but using the cost of a wedding is lame because you absolutely do not have to have a wedding ... you can just as easily go to city hall and just pay for the mandatory paper work to get it done. Simple as that.

countrygrl5533 · October 2015

seasalt123 said:

We're all different @countrygrl5533. I don't get why someone would spend money and hassle to get married but I understand the meaning and value some of my friends place on it, so I am happy for them. I am not against marriage - I simply see it as an irrelevant and outdated concept which has no meaning for me. Buying a place and having a baby = meaning and commitment to me. But everyone is different and that's ok :-)

I understand that. That's why I'm fairly anti-wedding industry. I got married for less than $2,000 and would have been less if my DH would have agreed to an elopement. I have serious issues with the amount of money that gets spent on weddings and the amount of focus the wedding has instead of the marriage itself.

I do not see it as irrelevant or outdated. It actually makes me a little sad when I hear that. But I get that it isn't for you so I wouldn't pressure you into it if I knew you IRL.

linzerbeth · October 2015

My boyfriend and I planned our pregnancy and went through a fertility specialist in order to be able to get pregnant. We had plenty of time to get married and chose not to. We get a lot of weird looks and comments from people, including his mother. I usually say "what would us getting married change?" And his mom can never come up with an answer that makes sense so she usually shuts up after that. All she can ever say is "the baby will know" and I say "will know what? That she has two parents who love each other?". It makes absolutely no difference if you have a piece of paper or not. The commitment is the same.

rent6 · November 2015

We've been together for a little over 4 years and we're on baby #2. Both were planned and we're happy. We'll probably get married eventually but it won't be anything extravagant.

dshannah · November 2015

I am married: both DH and I are suckers for rite-of-passage rituals and big*ss celebrations with family. But I do have many sets of dear friends who are not married and will not marry and have some pretty strong opinions as to why. I've listed some of them.

1. Not marrying until everyone can marry (in solidarity with LGBTQ friends--thankfully, this one is off the list now!).

2. Super-conservative politically, liberal socially, one set of friends thinks governmental interference in marriage is unethical and so will not opt into it. They had a Quaker commitment ceremony, but are not married by law.

3. Two children of divorced parents think that the "seal" of marriage spoils a relationship and allows you to take your partner for granted (after 13 years together, this couple is still amazingly fresh together).

4. Marriage is a heteronormative institution with a strongly patriarchal history. Opting into it, even as an enlightened, egalitarian couple, reinforces the entrenched privilege and allows the couple to benefit from the oppression of others.

I actually sympathize with all of these and absolutely agree with #4 (I enjoy so much privilege as a married woman--not least better car insurance rates!), but neither DH nor I are strong enough to resist the patriarchy so brazenly. We didn't even live together before marriage because his family would have frowned on it. But mad props to those who have the guts/ovaries to stand up for non-normative family structures!

seasalt123 · November 2015

countrygrl5533 said:

seasalt123 said:

We're all different @countrygrl5533. I don't get why someone would spend money and hassle to get married but I understand the meaning and value some of my friends place on it, so I am happy for them. I am not against marriage - I simply see it as an irrelevant and outdated concept which has no meaning for me. Buying a place and having a baby = meaning and commitment to me. But everyone is different and that's ok :-)

I understand that. That's why I'm fairly anti-wedding industry. I got married for less than $2,000 and would have been less if my DH would have agreed to an elopement. I have serious issues with the amount of money that gets spent on weddings and the amount of focus the wedding has instead of the marriage itself.

I do not see it as irrelevant or outdated. It actually makes me a little sad when I hear that. But I get that it isn't for you so I wouldn't pressure you into it if I knew you IRL.

@countrygrl5588 To clarify, I don't think your marriage is irrelevant or outdated...I know many people for whom marriage means the world and I think it's awesome that it makes them feel that way. Getting married to me feels like something irrelevant. It's a social custom I don't have any interest in. Other cultures have other rituals that may feel odd or unnessary to us - that's how marriage feels to me. It doesn't mean I can't appreciate the joy it brings others. :-)

I hear you 100% on wedding costs and the absurdity of some people going broke to fund a wedding when they don't even have a down payment on a house. Good for you that you stuck within your limits.

@pbandjyummies I am not using the cost of the wedding as an excuse - there is no barrier to marriage for me other than a complete lack of interest so ANY effort or cost makes it even less attractive. I simply see absolutely no reason for me to get married unless it was something my parents or SO felt strongly about and they don't. I understand that getting married can be done cheaply but, for me, it's like getting a bargain on and taking time to do something I don't see any point in. I am not against the institution of marriage but it's not for me personally. I'm glad we've all made choices we're personally happy with.

pelicanesque · November 2015

Are there any benefits or drawbacks to child rearing by an unmarried couple? I'm not talking different last names, or (gasp!) having to tell the child their parents aren't married. I'm talking health insurance, tax breaks, etc. Can both myself and my fiancé claim our kid as a dependent? Can he use his FSA or dependent care account to pay for the child's expenses the same way I can? That kind of stuff...

cgg0707 · November 2015

I am married, but my sister in law is not. She has been with her SO for at least 15 years and have 2 beautiful children. We see her SO as her husband. He actually refers to her as his wife. I don't think marriage is what makes you a family IMO. One thing she does note is that her older daughter (6 YO) has started to question a bit the fact that she has a different last name and they are not married. So this might be something you may want to plan to address at some point. Financially, it just doesn't make sense for them. From a tax point of view it is a big difference to file single as to file married. She makes more money, so she claims the house, etc. He makes less, so he claims the kids etc.

dshannah · November 2015

I'm not sure how it works out for everyone, but marital status affects taxes, insurance (car insurance goes way way down if you're married), healthcare rules, student loan repayment, and a thousand things I can't think of right now. I think it might be a wash, financially, depending on your circumstances, but a lot of legal and financial things change.

blaisdew · November 2015

@pbandjyummies See, I know that couples can just go to a justice of the peace or whatever or elope on their own and spend no money on their wedding/ marriage, but that's the part that I don't understand. I'm not huge into the institution of marriage and all the money even a simple wedding costs (hence no rings over here. ) However, if we did get married, we would do it to have a wonderful celebration with friends and family. I would want to feed everyone great food and wine, and want everyone to dance all night with us. It would also be hard on our families who live all over the place, meaning most people would have to travel for our wedding and sort out a place to stay. I don't know... For us we wouldn't want to get married without being surrounded by friends and family but that's inevitably a big expense for us and even the guests. It's just a go big or go home situation for us, I guess.

proudparent2b · November 2015

pelicanesque said:
Are there any benefits or drawbacks to child rearing by an unmarried couple? I'm not talking different last names, or (gasp!) having to tell the child their parents aren't married. I'm talking health insurance, tax breaks, etc. Can both myself and my fiancé claim our kid as a dependent? Can he use his FSA or dependent care account to pay for the child's expenses the same way I can? That kind of stuff...

In terms of taxes, only one person can claim the child as a dependent. The child should be able to get benefits from either of you, but I do not believe that you can double the amounts of FSA/Dependent Care FSA you have (ie- max is still $5,000, not $10,000).

Breealexandraaa · November 2015

I don't think unmarried couples should have to justify their desicions. My partner and I are unmarried and expecting and I feel confident in my abilities as a mother and a partner and my confidence, in no way, relies on whether or not we are married. It can be frustrating when that is always the first thing people ask, but we've decided to just do what is right for us at the right time!

nsouplynn · November 2015

I don't see anything wrong with being unmarried and pregnant. I was with my boyfriend (now husband) for 5 years when I got pregnant with our daughter. Everyone questioned us for YEARS on when we were going to get married. During that time, I was perfectly content with being with him while raising our family. Planning a wedding was the last thing on my mind although common-law marriage is legal where we live. We have been together for a total of 10 years till we finally got married and it worked out well. In the end, you guys are happy and that's all it matters. Simple as that!

missnc77 · November 2015

I'm by no means someone who is stuck on the institution of marriage, but as someone who supports the legalization of gay marriage, there are other benefits to marriage outside of the traditional reasons - namely tax incentives, post-death legal issues, and medical decisions. I know a big thing for gay couples is that if their partner is ever in the hospital in a terrible situation where medical decisions need to be made on their behalf, they have no legal footing to be that person. I love my parents and fully trust them to make medical decisions on my behalf, but if there were complications during pregnancy, I'm glad that my husband is the one who gets to make any decisions if I'm not in the mind to do it. God forbid that ever happen, but I think having a child together kind of ups the benefits of the legalities behind marriage be it financially (spousal benefits for retirement accounts, pensions, estate assets in the case of death) and medically. Just food for thought.

As far as daycare and other parents, no one will ask to see a marriage certificate. I know people who are not married, but it's easier to just say "husband" or "wife" to acquaintances.

cortney626 · November 2015

My mom and stepdad have been together for 28 years and aren't married. I have a few other couples in my family that have been together for over 30 years and aren't married. I definitely think you can be in a fully committed, loving, happy relationship without being married.

My husband and I got married and had a small intimate ceremony. Getting married was important to us but we were against big weddings. That was for us. Just because you get married, doesn't mean you have to have a huge wedding and spend thousands of dollars.

I've had a couple friends who have gotten pregnant and then say they don't want to get married b/c they "don't want that kind of commitment" or something along those lines. That's what I have a problem with. You're bringing a child into this world and you don't know if you can commit to the other person. But that's a different situation that those mentioned in this post.

sapphirerose915 · November 2015

my S/O and I arent married... but decided we did want to get married before the baby comes... instead of doing the huge wedding we have 10 family/friends going to mexico for a destination wedding in January... to each their own!!!!! Do you!!!!

Pregghers · November 2015

dshannah said:

I'm not sure how it works out for everyone, but marital status affects taxes, insurance (car insurance goes way way down if you're married), healthcare rules, student loan repayment, and a thousand things I can't think of right now. I think it might be a wash, financially, depending on your circumstances, but a lot of legal and financial things change.

My student loans will go up DRAMATICALLY once/if/when we get married. I couldn't justify waiting until my student loans were paid off to have a baby- that would put me at 38 and I just didn't want to do that. So we decided to have a baby while not married (we are, however, engaged).
Now that I'm pregnant for some reason I'm feeling like we need to be married. I don't like checking "single" on the medical forms. I don't like providers asking me if "the father knows and is involved in the pregnancy." Uhh- yeah. Probably more involved than some husbands. And I'm not sure if it is in my head or not, but I feel like he is completely ignored when he comes to the appointments and ultrasounds. Maybe that would happen if we were married too, but I feel like it wouldn't.

pelicanesque · November 2015

Pregghers said:

dshannah said:

I'm not sure how it works out for everyone, but marital status affects taxes, insurance (car insurance goes way way down if you're married), healthcare rules, student loan repayment, and a thousand things I can't think of right now. I think it might be a wash, financially, depending on your circumstances, but a lot of legal and financial things change.

My student loans will go up DRAMATICALLY once/if/when we get married. I couldn't justify waiting until my student loans were paid off to have a baby- that would put me at 38 and I just didn't want to do that. So we decided to have a baby while not married (we are, however, engaged).
Now that I'm pregnant for some reason I'm feeling like we need to be married. I don't like checking "single" on the medical forms. I don't like providers asking me if "the father knows and is involved in the pregnancy." Uhh- yeah. Probably more involved than some husbands. And I'm not sure if it is in my head or not, but I feel like he is completely ignored when he comes to the appointments and ultrasounds. Maybe that would happen if we were married too, but I feel like it wouldn't.

Are your student loan payments based on your income? Mine have remained the same payments amount since I got them 10 years ago, but it's probably a different kind of loan. I feel like you should be able to negotiate an amount with the loan company that is manageable for you. Have you tried that already?

Pregghers · November 2015

@pelicanesque My student loans are income based, and I'm in a public service loan forgiveness program. So I pay income based for 10 years and the rest is forgiven. However, if I get married it is based on both of our income but NOT both of our debt. So his student loan balance won't matter, just our combined income.

Photoslave · November 2015

Thank you. I appreciate reading all the responses in this thread. My S/O and I have been together over 8 years. I do find lately now that I know I'm pregnant ( even though nobody else can tell) saying BF has felt like it's not a strong enough description for our relationship. Maybe I'll switch to partner I have no intention of getting married at this point but am not against the idea. Ironically though, I'm a wedding photographer.

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