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Low sex drive and ttc after loss

ThursdayMorningThursdayMorning member
in TTC After a Loss
I'm so frustrated. It was so difficult to get pregnant the first time because my husband has a very low sex drive. He seems to only be able to have sex once a week at most. Never two days in a row.

When we were ttc the first time, there was so much pressure to time sex perfectly because I typically only had one chance. If I wanted to have sex the next day, I'd try to "mix it up" and get him interested but it typically ended with us fighting and me crying. It was stressful.

After our loss, I wanted to start trying right away. It's now the third month of us trying and Its frustrating all over again. I hate feeling like I have all the pressure of "getting him in the mood" and he knows that when I persist that it means I'm ovulating which makes him feel pressure and sex becomes very robotic and he loses interest. It's really making me upset because I know I'd be pregnant by now if he would just have sex with me a few times when I'm fertile.

Is anybody be else in this situation?
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Re: Low sex drive and ttc after loss

  • mrsmommyamrsmommya member
    We as a couple have low sex drive, but we make it a priority. My husband actually asked last time..."was that trying or recreational?" Hehe. Is it that he can't perform or won't....that is a big difference.
    "http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/368d09"


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  • ceclarlinetloceclarlinetlo member
    I'm sorry - that is a very frustrating situation. Is he willing to discuss it at all or does he shut the conversation down? Maybe you could compromise with each other - You don't have to do it two days in a row - Alternating days is sufficient.
    TW: MMC
    BFP1 12/24/14 - EDD 09/07/15 (D/C 8w1d)
    BFP2 6/12/15 - EDD 2/22/16 (D/C 10w3d)
    ———
    Diagnoses and Treatments
    PCOS (myo-inositol, excercize)
    Indeterminant levels of APS IgM antibodies (baby aspirin)
    Sub-septate uterus (hysteroscopic septoplasty 12/18/15)
    ———
    BFP3 05/02/16 EDD 01/09/17 DS born 01/05/17
    BFP4 01/28/19 EDD 10/?/19 🤞🙏

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  • queen_frostinequeen_frostine member
    That sucks. I was so worried that was going to be us, but it turned out okay - I got him to do every other day, but my ovulation is hard to predict and our last time on the month we got pregnant (blighted ovum) was four days before. Really, you only have to get within that five day window, although closer helps, too.

    It helped that my husband's health has improved. You may want to look into why your husband has a low sex drive - it may be hormonal or some other health issue interfering. I don't know how much it would help, but this article offers an alternative to sex: https://offbeathome.com/2014/07/making-babies-the-lesbian-way. Yes, it's about a heterosexual couple. That method may not work for you either, but it's worth considering. 


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  • ThursdayMorningThursdayMorning member
    Wow. Thank you for that link. It sounds crazy to try that but maybe I'll give that some thought.

    He says he really wants a baby. It's not completely a performance thing it's more that he works all the time and is always so stressed and preoccupied that to get him in the mood I have to fight for attention. I could be standing there naked or in his favorite lingerie and juggling balls of fire and he would barely glance up from his laptop. Sigh.

    It is very hard. We have talked about it and he feels bad but ultimately I think that the more I pressure, the more he feels baby making pressure and isn't able to get turned on. But if I don't persist then we would never have sex at all!

    I think what annoys me the most is how much pressure there is on me to know my cycle, all of the OPK'ing, prenatal vitamins, pinpointing the single best moment to have sex and getting him turned on without adding pressure. Then the 2ww begins and I abstain from any alcohol or coffee while I wait to get just another bfn. All he has to do is have sex with me a couple more times!

    Ok. Sorry. Rant over. ;)
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  • kmmharrisonkmmharrison member
    DH and I take turns planning date days for each other. Every once in a while, one of us will pick a Saturday to take the other on a day-long date filled with things the other person enjoys. We create a card or some kind of list of activities and present the "agenda" the night before. That way, we stick to it and make it a priority. Sometimes it's a surprise, but sometimes we schedule it a couple weeks ahead depending on how hectic life is at the time.

    The weekend I got pregnant, I planned a date day for DH because I knew I had been stressing him out with all the baby making dos and don'ts that I had been researching. We had a great day, and it worked! Two weeks later, I got my BFP.

    I should add here that I made this date day super low budget because he was stressed about money at the time. I really wanted to get us a couple's massage, but I knew that would stress him out. So, I planned things like fixing his favorite breakfast, taking him to the shooting range, going to the gym together, going window shopping at a new store that had just opened, having lunch out (cheaper than dinner), grilling steaks at home for dinner, and watching a movie we already owned.

    Since the MC, I've been so focused on being frustrated that we have to wait to TTC that it's all I talk about. I'm glad your post reminded me of this. I think we need another date day soon! He told me not long ago that we need to go back to just focusing on us and the baby will come eventually.

    Oh yeah! One more tip, if you can swing it, get a hotel room. Hotel sex is the best! :)
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  • GoldenTMamaGoldenTMama member
    edited October 2015
    Some days my DH works nights and since i have a job that requires me to work in the morning we had some difficulties with timing sex right in the beginning, and if i would mention that it was a good time for TTC he would lose interest too. It felt too scheduled and full of pressure for him. I had to learn to initiate sex without mentioning why. My DH doesn't pay much attention to my cycle (a little more now since we have had 2 MCs), but I would suggest maybe mixing it up more and initiating sex even when it's not "time." it doesn't have to be often, but that way he knows you are not only approaching him for TTC, but to remind him of how it can be fun and not have pressure. I also agree with @kmmharrison about date nights. That's a great idea! Good luck!

    edited for grammar
    Pregnancy Ticker
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  • kmmharrisonkmmharrison member
    We love our date nights and date days! Sometimes it's as simple as dinner at home and catching up on one of our favorite TV shows. It's not too out of the ordinary because we don't have any children, but we still call it a "date" when we want to be sure that each other is the priority so that we aren't playing on our phones or doing laundry or something like that. It doesn't have to cost extra money or take a lot of extra time. It's more about eliminating distractions.
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  • ThursdayMorningThursdayMorning member
    Thank you both for the great suggestions. I think I'll take all advice and see how it works.

    Totally true that I should initiate sex during off times as well.

    Really love how supportive this board is.
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  • askye1212askye1212 member
    edited October 2015
    I know this is not related. I experianced a miscarriage on 10/18 and 10/19 bled sunday to Wednesday pretty much. Then stopped. Yesterday, was the first day we had sex for the first time. I could not focus and it was a bit emtional because I was scared. Scared because. I wasnt sure if it was actually the right time. Or because we used condoms because we didnt want to get pregnant right away and it does not go the right way. Anyone had sex right away. Or was emtional?
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