Is it weird that I don't want anyone in the delivery room?

paigeivey · October 2015

So at the beginning of my pregnancy I wanted my DH in the delivery room because he has a son from a previous relationship and he was there and cut the cord ect. But through the pregnancy my MIL has bothered about being there at delivery and I am a pretty private person. It has gotten to the point of being asked by MIL, my mom and my sister being there I am starting to think I want to just do it alone. DH supports me either way and honestly if he is working I don't even think I will call him right away because we can always use the money from the time he would be taking off. Does anyone else find this irrational or think I might regret this decision later down the road??

Court11152325 · October 2015

You might miss not having DH there, but I'm also choosing to exclude everyone except DH and our doula. Too many people = too much drama for me.

stlmomof2 · October 2015

No I don't think it's irrational. I just read an article about how some women really feel uncomfortable with even their SO in the delivery room. Their opinions were that their SOs would feel like their image of them sexually would change, they may be a fainter, or some women feel more relaxed.

Some women would welcome the support of their SO or feel as if they are father and should be able to see the baby.

Again, these are reasons I have read from other women that support or do not support specifically their SO/DH in the delivery room.

mhwood · October 2015

I agree with the previous poster, you may regret not having your DH present. I understand completely not having anyone else.

With DD2, people knew I was in labour, but respected our space enough to give my DH and I the rest of the day (she was born at 10:30 am) into the next afternoon before visiting.

Stand firm, you don't have to have anyone you don't want present.

paigeivey · October 2015

I just am not sure. Just so confused! I have a feeling I would regret it later down the road if I didn't and maybe just think it is preggie hormones. Seeing as this would be my first I wouldn't want to make rash decisions due to hormones. I just didn't know if any other moms felt the same way as myself.

jenbstevens · October 2015

There is no way I would do it alone, but I understand not wanting a bunch of people in the room. Anyway if DH isn't there, I really don't see what there is to regret. If you are in labor and decide you want him there you can call him (or have a nurse do it) and he can come.

VesperLove · October 2015

I think you have every right to do this on your own if you want...however, I think you do have an obligation to tell your husband that you're in labor. You may make a joint decision that he will not be in the room but he should know you're at the hospital/in labor.

Jess0813 · October 2015

I couldnt imagine my dh not being there for the birth of our kids. That is the first real bonding experience they will share together and it bonds you so much as a family. My dh was also very helpful with feeding me ice chips and fanning me during contractions. Also he got a lot of great pics of our kids seconds after birth.

kepoole · October 2015

With my first, my mother was the only one present with me and honestly, I was in so much pain , and out of it that I was glad she could be my voice in knowing what was going on, who to call, etc. I'd want my SO there (if we were together, this baby's dad and I aren't together anymore and he isn't very present) but I can't imagine being alone in it. Either my mom will be with me again this time or if she is with my older daughter, my best friend will be with me.

herewegrow · October 2015

I couldn't imagine not including my husband. I think watching her be born really solidified his "daddy status" in a big way. If he can't be there, I'd go it alone, though. I'd leave it open ended for now. I do think it would be easier to have him wait outside and ask him to come in, than to have him in and kick him out?

paigeivey · October 2015

Hah. My DH knows I change my mind quickly and I tend to speak my mind once I feel that way so kicking him out wouldn't be a problem, I think the problem would be driving him crazy telling him come in... No go out... No come in if there was any problem. I guess I will let him know when I am in labor and then decide if I am handling labor better alone or if I would handle it better with him there. Even after 7 years of being together I still am nervous about the whole having him there in the labor process.

NellieHarringtonCarter · October 2015

If you are comfortable doing it yourself, I would say go for it, though I would really suggest having your DH there with you. It really is a great moment to share.

For my first pregnancy, I had my DH, my mom and my MIL in the room. And that was pretty much a given because I definitely wanted my mom, and it was my MIL's first grandchild, so I couldn't really say no (Ok, I could have, but it wasn't in my nature).

This time, I really just want it to be my DH, with my mom close by in case I need her, but my husband says "Don't you want our moms in the room with us?" and..... I have a feeling I'm going to be vetoed if I push the issue.

groovylocks · October 2015

I'm with you op. I don't want him there and i haven't since the start of my pregnancy but unfortunately, I've come to the realization that it's not my choice. It's his. He is as much of a parent to this little girl as I am and he has the same right I have to see her first moments in the world. When I started making her the focus of the whole thing, I felt better about it. I don't know if that helps at all.

Of course, as luck would have it, just as i was starting to get used to the idea and actually WANTING him there, we found out he very well may be flying when i give birth (and no, his airline doesn't recognize his right to be there and can fire him if he doesn't turn up) So I may be on my own anyway. Que Ironico..

paigeivey · October 2015

I feel bad trying to say no to my MIL she didn't even get news aboutmher first grandson being born until 2 weeks before he was born and she realllllly wants to be apart of it. I just am afraid I will lose my calm. She is already trying to say the baby needs 4-5 names because it is a tradition in her family which I find first middle and last to be plenty and she also tells me I really should do natural birth even though i have a strong feeling I will opt for epidural. I give her mad props for doing natural with one of her kids but it isn't always best for every case. Once I tell her no for sure I just have a feeling I will feel bad and DH might need to console her outside delivery room since she is super sensitive.

stlmomof2 · October 2015

My DH was completely clueless on what to do. Nurses had to tell him to help with putting my legs up during pushing :-/ he was constantly playing with games on his phone during labor with DS. He is just not the type to stroke your head or kiss you during this time. He freaks out.

This time around I really don't think I'll have DH by my side during delivery. I don't want the stress. Im getting a c section this time. I would love DH to be loving and supportive of me during this difficult time but he gets easily mad if he "doesn't know what to do to help". Even though I explained to him simply just holding my hand and making me comfortable... And taking pics of DD after she is born. He forgets everything I tell him though the day after. Don't need the headache.

leeleepi · October 2015

I think you may regret it and your husband may not voice it to you, but he may really want to be there. It is the birth of his child too and while the heavy lifting is on us - it is a huge big deal and finishing it as a team (just as you started it) is best (in my opinion). But of course up to you

BostonBaby1 · October 2015

Couldn't imaging not wanting DH with me.

suchaglencoco · October 2015

paigeivey said:
I feel bad trying to say no to my MIL she didn't even get news aboutmher first grandson being born until 2 weeks before he was born and she realllllly wants to be apart of it. I just am afraid I will lose my calm. She is already trying to say the baby needs 4-5 names because it is a tradition in her family which I find first middle and last to be plenty and she also tells me I really should do natural birth even though i have a strong feeling I will opt for epidural. I give her mad props for doing natural with one of her kids but it isn't always best for every case. Once I tell her no for sure I just have a feeling I will feel bad and DH might need to console her outside delivery room since she is super sensitive.

If you don't want MIL, best to tell her now, in my opinion. As ftms, we really need to start setting boundaries with family and friends. Sometimes, it's going to suck, we'll feel bad, they'll get upset but it's our responsibility as parents to do what we think is best for our little family.
You and DH need to just sit her down, tell her straight up and get it all out in the open and over with. I have read a few threads where others suggested having a task or duty for the MIL to have so she could feel like she was a part of it but just in a different way, maybe that's a possibility for you?
If it makes you feel better, I don't even want my inlaws or siblings in the hospital waiting when the time comes. For my SIL they waited over 18 hours and were miserable. To me, that seems like a lot of pressure and then pressure right after giving birth to then let everyone in to see the new addition(s). So we have already discussed it with them, told them we would alert them when they can come visit, and they were a lot more understanding with everything than we thought.

In regards to your husband not being there, I really hope you reconsider. It's such a beautiful time in your family's life and one that can never be recreated. I'm not exactly sure why you are worried about him being with you but if it's because you'll be in compromising, awkward positions, I wouldnt worry about it. I've never heard a new father say anything other than how amazing of an experience it was. People tend to forget the ugly parts when there is a beautiful baby to hold.

Obviously, whatever you want to do is your right but I can't imagine my DH not being there. Seeing his face when he gets to hold the little ones for the first time will be the second greatest moment of my life, only coming after the moments of me holding them myself.

breezypip · October 2015

If he wants to be there I couldn't imagine denying him one of the most amazing and life changing experiences. It's actually my dad, more often than my mom, that tells me about how amazing it was to be there when I was born and that it was one of the best days of his life. I know my DH wouldn't miss it for the world, and I think it will be an incredibly bonding experience for all of us as a new family.

I'm torn because obviously it's your body and you should be able to decide what your comfortable with, but on he other hand it's his baby too and I think he has the right to welcome them into the world.

One thing I'm positive of -- either way you should absolutely let him know when you're going into labor. A lot of things could happen and I'm sure he'd want to at least be there for you if you need him and not sitting at work clueless just to not miss a day's pay.

Ccat1977 · October 2015

I'll have my DH there but that's it. No other family in the room, or medical students, etc. to me too it's very private. I did have a rule that DH had to stay "in front of the curtain" though - he doesn't need to see *that* much. he was a huge help - holding my hand, talking me through it, holding baby girl and I think he really bonded with her too in those first few moments. I also assign him identification duty to make sure baby is properly tagged before leaving the room - I have fear of baby swap. But... If your hubby sucks at the support thing maybe that role is played by sister, mother, friend, etc. or none.

Taylovesbrad · October 2015

Only my hub will be there that's for sure

TomekiaB · October 2015

DH will be there because I think it is an important milestone that I don't want him to miss because he would be heartbroken. However, I can't imagine having anyone else there (except possibly my mom if she were living).

However, I do understand your feelings. I run and do yoga and when I am dealing with the mentally tough stuff in either activity I focus internally on dealing with my mental hurdles alone and I work to do that by minimizing outside distractions--which is where I find my calm in the storm.

My DH is a much better runner than I am and will often come back to cheer me on after he finishes a race which he does because he loves me and is my biggest cheerleader BUT it doesn't actually make the mental game at the end of a race easier on me (if I'm honest I actually find this encouragement frustrating because it takes me out of my zone since I'm more intrinsically motivated athletically, the extrinsic motivation is typically a distraction).

I plan on discussing some ground rules for DH during labor to help him understand that the cheerleading might be more distracting than encouraging but he can support me in other ways like not eating in front of me if I am not allowed too etc.

*clarity

grkgdss00 · October 2015

I think you definitely owe it to your husband to have this conversation now, and not during labor. Sure you could use the money from him working, but you'd want him to miss the birth of his child? That's not worth it in my mind. I don't think that's fair at all. If you both agree to it then OK, but you should discuss ahead of time as that could be a seriously hurtful thing for him. There are a few of lifes precious moments, this being one of a few of them...

No biggie on the MIL or others. They'll be fine.

Gingermom15 · October 2015

Only SO will be present unless I have the baby early when he's gone for the weekend at week 36. Then it will be my mother.
I couldn't imagine not having him there, it would break his heart if I prevented him from being there or if he missed it.
I absolutely won't have anyone else in there, though. There won't even be anyone in the waiting room or visiting until we are home because of flu season.

Cmagno · October 2015

DH is really freaked out by medical situations but did much better then I expected. We took birth classes together and that helped him feel like he "knew" how to help. He stayed at my head because I think he really would pass out from all the blood but he held my hand, counted out each contraction and cheered for me. I was in labor for almost 3 days so the multiple trips to the hospital and waiting was hard on both of us but I was very glad to have him by my side for each moment. Most importantly as soon as DD was born he cuddled her and helped with her in room care while I got lots of stitches. My mom was a huge help and labor coach but not having DH is unimaginable to me. This time it'll just be DH and I because mom will be caring for DD. I don't want anyone else in the room and I'm pretty sure it'll all be okay. Remember you will also have a nurse and doctor/midwife supporting you. I ended up with an RN who also works as a doula and two midwives so I felt like I had plenty of support. Good luck!

sarahjulypsu · October 2015

You may want him there for practical reasons. It is always good to have someone there to advocate for you when in the hospital, especially if you have a difficult labor or an emergency develops. You could explain in advance that you may want time alone so he understands when you ask for it. Our maternity unit does have a lounge.

paigeivey · October 2015

He is totally supportive of whatever decision I make. I did discuss this a while ago when I first had thoughts but I don't want to regret everything later down the line. I never even thought they would try to have medical students in the labor room

that is a biiiiig no no.

taysun · October 2015

paigeivey said:
He is totally supportive of whatever decision I make. I did discuss this a while ago when I first had thoughts but I don't want to regret everything later down the line. I never even thought they would try to have medical students in the labor room that is a biiiiig no no.

I'm hoping for med students, both of my SO's cousins had babies in my hospital and they said having students was the best because they were SUPER attentive and did everything for you

nik6499 · October 2015

I didn't have a partner with my first, both my parents were in the room, I am so thankful they were. I can't imagine being alone for 8-24 hrs. This time I am so very excited to share this experience with DH. I would love for my mom too be there again but she will likely be at home with my daughter.

And med students can't deliver babies, I am sure a resident will deliver me, I know the experienced L&D nurses will ensure I am in good hands.

lainey419 · October 2015

I'm going to do it alone this time. I want to feel as comfortable as possible, and I feel most comfortable without anyone (including SO) around. Stress and/or anxiety don't help mom or baby. I was irritated with my SO being around when I gave birth to my older son.

HinataUzumaki913 · October 2015

Do whatever makes YOU comfortable. Aside from your baby, you are the top priority at that time.

LMJL · October 2015

I'm in the "can't imagine him not being there" camp myself. But I grew up as the youngest of 6, so I never did ANYTHING alone & certainly wouldn't want to give birth with only a bunch of strangers around. It seems so lonely & scary to me. I do think that your husband might miss the actual birth part & you might like to have someone there to give your chapstick, rub your back, etc. I agree with PP who suggested the birth class. If your guy isn't one who will naturally know what to do & how to be helpful, they will tell him there! Our teacher was great at that, explaining that we might not be able to feed ourselves the ice chips b/c our hands might shake, so they need to do that for us, etc. I also wonder if you are a private person if you might not rather someone you know & love be there to do these things for you rather than someone you just met? I also like the suggestion that he might be able to be there with you sometime & you can ask him to give you a bit of space if you want it. That way he can grab something to eat, etc. There's also the possibility that you could just have him there for the end, rather than the whole time. That way he's there for the big moment. I will have my husband & my mother, but I'm very close to her & she's done this a LOT so I know she'll be helpful & I can always have someone with me as they can take turns getting something to eat, taking a nap, etc if it takes a REALLY long time. I think that if you aren't comfortable with the mothers there you should give a firm no & then call them after you have delivered & they can come meet the baby. My MIL passed away, but I don't think I would want her to be there. But I don't think she would want to be there either. I don't think MY mom really wants to be there, but I'm still a little bit of a baby who wants her Mommy, & she wouldn't say no to that. Also, my man has been given strict instructions to remain up by my head for the pushing portion of the night. I really don't think he needs to have that image of my vagina in his head. If that's part of your hesitation you can always request he do that.

Good luck with whatever you decide & I hope your birth is beautiful!

ColoradoHiker · November 2015

You say your DH will support you either way, but I really think you should ask him what he wants, too. This is a partnership, and yes it's you giving birth, but it's his child as well. I think you should factor in what he wants as well. Fwiw, I'm only having DH in delivery with me, I understand not wanting others there.

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