Daddy question to help my girlfriend be happy

Poppy0516 · October 2015

How am I able to help my girlfriend be more happy, excited, and enjoying the pregnancy and our relationship?

Little background on what I already do:
I make sure breakfast is ready for her and pack her lunch for her work before I leave for work. I try to be understanding and positive on almost everything, I help her with school work that she needs to do at home (she a teacher), I try to keep the house clean and organized so she comes home to a pleasant and clean environment, I try to give her space and time for her to do what she likes (catch up on shows, hangout with friends, or spend time on her phone). I have stopped being so effectionate and touchy feely since she mentioned I was smothering her, I try to be less emotional and more dry.

This is sort of taking a toll on me because I didn't expect it to be like this. is it just a pregnancy thing that men need to understand?

Any little insight as to how I may help be happier will be greatly appreciated!

Also need a little bit of help with the breakfast ideas since I feel like it starting to get repetitive! (Egg and turkey bacon sandwich and French toast have been made most of the time for breakfast and she is not that big on eggs)

Thank you in advance for your insight and help!

bizzerbee · October 2015

It is hard to give advice since you didn't really explain what your girlfriend has been saying or doing that makes you worry she is unhappy.. Seems like your already doing a lot so it might just be that she is physically uncomfortable which is how a lot of pregnant women feel and there isn't much you can do to eleviate how she is coping with the changes her body is going through.. But again I am speculating since you never said what has been happening with her in the first place....

adiaz132003 · October 2015

Sometimes our emotions go crazy and I know I have been mad at my hubby for no reason at all and he just takes it for now. Once I chill out I end up in tears and saying sorry. He's just along for the crazy ride and the fact that he is trying so hard makes me happy even if I don't look it. I would talk to her and tell her how excited you are for this family and you want to make sure she's happy. Ask her what she wants for breakfast the night before and go get whatever you'd need to make it. That way she can walk through those open doors of communication and tell you what she needs.

missnc77 · October 2015

I'm sure she appreciates all the effort, but if she's normally a pretty independent woman, I can see how it may feel smothering. Add in all the hormones and general feeling of crappiness. On Sundays my husband may make pancakes for us. He may be the one to grab takeout after work or ask if he needs to pick anything up, but generally I'm still happy to cook for myself. I'm pregnant, I'm not incapacitated. Well, until after dinner where I sink into the couch and cannot move. That's about the time I start asking my husband to do everything for me.

Have you actually talked to her about this? You may be stressing yourself out when you don't need to be. Is she the one requesting you make her breakfast every morning, clean the house, etc.? Or are you doing this because you think it's what she wants? Also, is that her in the picture? She may not like that you're posting this on a public forum with her picture.

Poppy0516 · October 2015

Thank you very much for the messages.

Yes she said it a lot going on at once and she is coping with things and taking it one step at a time! We recently moved in together too so I can understand her! I'm just trying to get some insight to help the situation.
I do ask her what she wants to eat or what she wants to do and she just says "whatever".

She does not ask me to do any of chores around the house or to make her dinner, but I do them to make sure she doesn't have to worry about it and relax when she gets home from work since I know she has her stressful days with the kids at school!

kalanieileen · October 2015

How many weeks is she? What are her symptoms? I ask because I know that my symptoms play a HUGE role in my attitude amd how I react to certain things. It just something I can't help!

You sound like you really are trying and I commend you for that! But have you asked her what she wants from you, and how can you support her? For instance, my SO started doing extra things around the house that I didn't particularly care for. I would've rather him do something else that I felt supported me, but he never would've known that if I didn't tell him.

Sounds like you both are on different pages and just need to have a talk. Pregnancy hormones can really make a girl go cuckoo!

doozer1345 · October 2015

Do you make house calls? I think maybe you should think about traveling around doing seminars for husbands.

saladflambe · October 2015

If she's feeling a bit suffocated, I suggest giving her space. Can you ask her if she'd like you to stop cooking for her? I know given how my food aversions/nausea have been that I'm glad to be eating pretty separately from my husband... I just never know what I'm really going to want to eat.

I'm the kind of person who needs a lot of alone time and space. I like that my husband has his own hobbies and indulges in those. He's quick to help if I ask, and he's getting very good at noticing things that need to be done and doing them, but he also just gives me my space, which I appreciate. I'd probably feel pretty suffocated in this situation just because of my personality though of course understanding that it's only love and care behind the actions.

llybeck · October 2015

I would actually say maybe do less. That is a lot and if my DH did all that for me all the time it would be too much. Moving in together can be huge too. With our first, we weren't married and we bought a house together when I was 3 months pregnant. It was so much to take in. Our daughter wasn't planned so not only was there that huge amount of stress but we had to get used to living together and being together so much more and just learning each other's quirks and annoyances. It's hard! Even if you love someone to the moon and back that situation is difficult and straining. I had a hard time with that and like your girlfriend I retreated and didn't want to be touched and kissed all the time and I didn't want someone constantly doing things for me. I had a rough pregnancy and was sick every day, the only thing I really wanted after working all day was to come home and be completely left alone. And that's not right either so we had to have a lot of conversations about what we needed from each other so that both of us could be happy and get through that tough time.

If you keep going the way you are, eventually you're going to burn yourself out and I could see you getting resentful because you are doing so much and she isn't reciprocating. I would bet she doesn't even want these things from you but it sounds like she is doing a poor job at conveying that. I would try to sit down and come up with a plan of things that each of you can do so that you both feel somewhat equal when it comes to responsibilities. Try to convey to her that you want to work with her to do what works for you both. Communication is key! It is especially important once the baby is born so try to get an understanding of each other now so you can get on the same page and have an easier time working things out in the long run.

Poppy0516 · October 2015

Thank you very much for your advices! I figure taking care of her during this time would help but it seems like it's the opposite! It is definitely a lot to take in and it does seem like she doesn't want me to these things for her and just rather decided on her own!

It's difficult because I never knew I could be too supportive and I don't want to get to the point where I feel unappreciated and eventually affecting the relationship!

Learning experience for both! I just pray that everything will go well!

ecwk · October 2015

It's hard to say without hearing more from her side but from what you say you are going above and beyond what a lot if not most guys do. I sure hope she appreciates your efforts. Hope you guys work everything out

GoatSnakeMouse · October 2015

It sounds like you may be trying to *make* her be happy, which is not something any person can do. If she's unhappy about the pregnancy, or about how crappy she feels, or whatever else, no amount of breakfast is going to fix that. I'd say that the best thing is to genuinely *listen to her* and hear what she's feeling and why. And not necessarily try to fix it.

kimey1 · October 2015

First of all, I think what you're doing is really sweet. Reminds me of this thread we have in the April 2016 mom group: https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12635482/surprised-by-husband#latest

But I have to agree with other people. Try and see what she still enjoys, or what she's doing because she can't enjoy other things, when she's agitated, and just observe for a little bit, then ask her questions. For instance, when i look exhausted and my hubby doesn't want to cook either, he asks me whether I want to eat out. Sometimes I'll say yes (thank god) but other times I'll insist on one of us cooking because I really want home-made food. Sometimes I'm watching netflix because I'm just trying to pass time so the acid reflux or nausea goes away. Other times I work vigorously because I'm not too bloated or constipated or tired and I dunno how long that moment will last XD

As for breakfast, try and ask her what she feels like in the morning. Sometimes I only want fruit, other times I make myself a whole thing of noodles, and other times I just want toast or just eggs. In my case, what I want to eat is so highlighted in my daily routine nowadays.

I'm only in my 11th week, nearing the 12th week, but pregnancy is pretty odd and such a learning curve. This one is different from my last one before we had the miscarriage and my husband makes comments from time to time how stark a difference there is in my cravings, sleep schedule, and fatigue.

I think both the carrier and the SO learn as we go. Hang in there!

aloha5736 · October 2015

lol I'm luckily if I can get my husband to turn on the hot water for the tea pot!

soxfan9968 · October 2015

Originally I read this and thought, "holy cow he's nice!" But a few seconds later I realized I'd probably feel smothered as well. Hope you do talk with her and things improve but keep in mind it's hard to feel excited or express enthusiasm if you don't feel very well. I know my first tri was just sickness and exhaustion.

Disneygeek77 · October 2015

I have to agree with a few PPs. I don't think this is an case of you not being nice or helpful. I think this might be more of a case where you are putting a lot of pressure on her to be happy and excited and she's just not feeling it right now. It could be that she plain ol' feels sick and like crap, it could be she has a lot of anxiety and instead of you listening to her talk about her fears you keep trying to cheer her up, it could be she's really scared about what kind of mother she will be or perhaps scared about all the changes happening to her body and her life and no one is listening to her or letting her express her very genuine feelings and therefore she feels stifled or suffocated.

I think you might just have to come to terms with the fact that she might not be happy and excited right now and that is ok. Pregnancy effects everyone differently. Some women are over the moon excited, some become depressed, some feel nothing much at all, some women feel all sorts of different emotions within one day. Personally, I have had five pregnancies and my last one was the most difficult for me emotionally. I don't know what it was, but I was really scared and doubted if I would be able to handle a 6 year old, an unruly 4 year old and an infant. The best thing that my husband could do for me at the time was listen to me talk about my fears and anxieties. Not try to cheer me up, not try to get me to look on the bright side, not tell me some cliche saying. Just sit and listen and empathize. Usually once I was able to cry it out and talk, I felt better.

clairemwalker · October 2015

My husband did react very similarly to you when i was first pregnant, taking over the housework, constant attention etc etc and i found that it actually did the opposite of what he intended. Yes it was lovely to not have to do the housework when i was so tired and sick, but the constant attention and asking me for what i wanted to eat, did i want to do this, how did i feel about that etc, it was more then i could handle. I had no idea what i wanted and it was too hard to think about it. I was better left alone until i figured it out myself. Maybe your partner is a bit like that. Give her space and let her do things on her own. If she would like something from you she will more then likely ask

arcanejinx · October 2015

I agree with a few others, not knowing her complaints it is hard to give advice. My DH was like you early on-I hated the constant "baby sitting." I didn't feel like eating whenever he thought I wanted to because I just was so exhausted and sick. He laid of the physical touching as well as I felt gross but he took it to far. I wanted a hung or sex but I also wanted him not to be hurt if I just rejected it he needed not to take it personally.

Ask her what she wants you to do. I was so annoyed when DH insisted I not carry anything (then I injured my hip and he had to take that over but before that I was just pregnant not an invalid) or made me something to eat without my asking. What I wante was a back rub or a foot rub at the end of the day. Not a mother hen. Once we talked that out it became a much smoother expierence for both of us.

longhurrdontcurr · October 2015

LOL man I certainly wouldn't mind this.... However my personality is different from your girlfriend it sounds like. Some women really just don't like lots of extra attention and assistance... Which is hard for me to understand, but it's a personality thing.
Especially if you just recently moved in together maybe she just needs to take things really slow. Sort of ease into such a serious relationship... When I started dating my husband he had to very gradually ease me into something serious.
I'm sure things will get better, especially after you both sit down and have a heart to heart about where you both are at right now and what she needs.

ashleyrobertson0113 · October 2015

It sounds like you're going above and beyond the call of duty here. But just from my own personal experiences, being sick all the time and not being able to take care of my husband and home like a "good wife should" makes me feel terrible. I feel like an awful person and a horrible wife. Maybe she is feeling the same way?

RunBooRun · October 2015

I agree with PPs about feeling smothered if she's used to doing this all herself and just feeling crappy in general. I would not be a happy camper if DH made my breakfast everyday. I would appreciate the thought, but I prefer to make it myself.

I'm going to throw in love languages. I recommend reading "The Five Love Languages", especially since you've just moved in together, which can be tough even if one of you isn't pregnant at the time. It seems like you doing these things are your way of showing love, but it's not her love language. She's feeling smothered, you're trying to love her. There's a disconnect because that's not the way she's wired. See if you can figure out her love languages and you might see a difference response.

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