Doula? Why/Why Not?

TheHauntedHauswife · October 2015

I am really trying to figure out if I need a doula or not. I am birthing with a midwife, but at a hospital. My husband will definitely be present (assuming something crazy doesn't happen, like i go into labor and he cant get to the hospital in time from work) ..and im really just trying to figure out if I need a doula or not.

I am very independent, I really dont like people telling me what to do. When i'm in a lot of pain I usually just kind of go deep into my mind and find ways to deal with it with usually types of meditation or sort of guided imagery, and I definitely want to look further into hypnobirthing. So I am really just trying to get a grasp on whether or not its something that will be immensely beneficial to me specifically. I understand its fantastic for a lot of people, and i see that there can be value in it for sure. But I just don't know if there will be enough value for ME. Part of me just kind of feels like I will really be in my own head and anything external such as talking to doctors, rubbing my back, etc, I foresee my husband doing.

So second+ time Moms, What aspects of it worked for you? What didnt? Do you feel that an educated partner (husband) can fulfill a lot of the same roles? Is there something i am hugely missing here?

chloe97 · October 2015

I'm a FTM, so I'm not going to be able to answer your question, but just want to say I'm very strongly considering a doula because, as much as I adore my husband, he does not do well under pressure. He also has a very very hard time understanding and relaying medical info. It drives me crazy when he finds out that his grandmas in the hospital or his dad needs surgery, because he can never tell me why.

I want to make sure there's someone in the room keeping me calm and that's able to tell my parents what is going on if something goes wrong. It's going to be an emotional days for H and I want to lessen the pressure he's feeling in anyway I can!

TheHauntedHauswife · October 2015

That makes a lot of sense. I can see why that is a good option for you.

My situation is actually kind of opposite. My husband has only raised his voice maybe 2 times in the 10 years we have been together and i've never sen him panic, get worried, or scared. Hes very very level headed. On top of that, hes a cancer survivor and is very comfortable with medical lingo!

candicek15 · October 2015

I'm considering a doula too, but totally unsure about it. Sometimes I think you're basically paying for a supportive friend, and other times I think that it might be really useful since my husband is sometimes clueless when it comes to empathy, lol. He's definitely well-meaning, but when he gets stressed he sometimes gets stuck in his own head and forgets what others are going through. Since it'll be our first time with a birth, I'm a little concerned he'll be overwhelmed and then I'll get mad that he's not helping me the way I want him too! Might save some relationship stress to have someone else who is experienced take care of some things.

TheHauntedHauswife · October 2015

I think with my DH as long as i spell things out for him... like write him a birth plan so he understands answers to questions the doctors may ask, and give him some options to offer me when im in pain (rubbing my back,rubbing my shoulders, etc.) and if really just spell it out for him he usually can pretty much do what I need. He definitely will not think of thngs on his own, or do his own research or be nautrally empathetic on his own and come up with his own solutions, but im very used to having to kind of spell things out for him.He doesnt usually need to be reminded atleast within the same situation. Maybe before we had a second baby though.

FutureMrsCAF · October 2015

I've thought about a doula, but I honestly don't know how much they cost/if we can afford one. DH is incredibly supportive but I'm afraid of his ability to stay calm (in other words, he doesn't lol) I had a planned c-section with DD bc she was breech, and I'm trying for a VBAC this time, so I have no idea how either of us will be in the delivery room.

CourtJack · October 2015

I had a doula. I really liked the experience as she was another source of support for me. She visited me twice during pregnancy to go over various birthing options (hypno-birthing for example) and I sort of see her as my advocate through the process. My husband was also an amazing support but he didn't have the knowledge and the experience that she did and that I relied on. Plus I didn't want to put any unfair expectations on my hubby in terms of the support I needed. I didn't want to rely on him to *know* what to do as this was his first experience with labour. She (doula) was also a big source of help for him which I really appreciated. He could ask her questions and she helped him stay involved in the process simply by suggesting ways for him to hold me or things to say.

All this being said, everyone is so different. I consider myself independent but I know that I wanted as much support as possible while I was in labour. I also read a lot of testimonials of women who used doulas to get an idea of what services they provide. Maybe you might try that too - If you don't get enough info here?

etr152517 · October 2015

CourtJack said:
I had a doula. I really liked the experience as she was another source of support for me. She visited me twice during pregnancy to go over various birthing options (hypno-birthing for example) and I sort of see her as my advocate through the process. My husband was also an amazing support but he didn't have the knowledge and the experience that she did and that I relied on. Plus I didn't want to put any unfair expectations on my hubby in terms of the support I needed. I didn't want to rely on him to *know* what to do as this was his first experience with labour. She (doula) was also a big source of help for him which I really appreciated. He could ask her questions and she helped him stay involved in the process simply by suggesting ways for him to hold me or things to say.
All this being said, everyone is so different. I consider myself independent but I know that I wanted as much support as possible while I was in labour. I also read a lot of testimonials of women who used doulas to get an idea of what services they provide. Maybe you might try that too - If you don't get enough info here?

Yes, this. I was pretty determined with my DS to have a natural birth experience and thought that having a doula would help. I was expecting to walk into the hospital and have the nurses push an IV, meds or tell me where I can go and what position I needed to be in to push. Fortunately that was a misconception on my part. Our hospital gave us a lot of freedom to do it my way. I thought I would need someone to speak on my behalf and advocate for me when maybe my husband wasn't able or didn't know what to say. What actually happened though was I was left to labor the way I wanted (in the tub) and my doula sat beside the tub and rubbed my head if I needed or helped me up. I honestly was so internal and independent through the whole process that I didn't rely on my husband or doula much. I didn't expect that at all. If she hadn't been there I think my husband would've been nervous and panicky. I'm tempted to have her again just to take some pressure off DH. The 2nd experience may be very different for me and I may need more support. You never know!

Sorry, that was really long. Hopefully helpful!

TheHauntedHauswife · October 2015

etr152517 See this is basically my concern. I really dont think i can justify paying all that money (which we totally dont have, unless its very necessary) to potentially take a little pressure off my DH who i think will do fine anyway. I definitely just see myself being pissed if i felt like i didnt end up needing her, and i wasted that money.

etr152517 · October 2015

@TheHauntedHauswife I def didn't feel like it was a waste for me. We met a few times prior to labor and she gave us tons of valuable info on various pain management teqniques. I was just able to use those ideas on my own rather than relying on my husband. I thought I would like counter pressure but didn't know until I was in labor that the mental focus and visualization worked better for me rather than physical touch. It totally depends on the person and the situation!

emucoleman · October 2015

Okay, I didn't have a doula last time and I won't this time around (I might consider it if it weren't for the cost involved). I think your husband is key. If you think he'll be really supportive and helpful to you in the ways that you believe you will need, then I don't know that you need a doula. If you don't really think your husband will be the best labor partner, then a doula might be the way to go.

I also think it's really important to consider whether you are really going for a natural birth. Having a natural birth is hard--I think the only way I would have been able to do it last time is if I had someone to encourage and help me every step of the way, someone who had a lot of knowledge about natural pain relief. On the other hand, if you're okay with getting an epidural (and I ultimately was, and I did), then to me a doula would just be a waste of money. That's my two cents...from a person with no experience with a doula, hah.

etr152517 · October 2015

Just like @emucoleman said, support is key. Backing up to the beginning, the reason we made the decision to have a doula is I felt very strongly about a natural birth. My husband wanted to support me but didn't feel as strongly as I did. He couldn't guarantee that if my labor went long, that he wouldn't encourage me to have a epi so I could avoid the pain. The doula was an insurance policy in a way in the event that my husband caved. It was so important to me that I wanted a backup plan and paid the money. I didn't think that a doula could be replaced by another family member for me. I felt that anyone else I would have in the room would be too emotional and not strong enough to do what I needed.

Hypo birthing was amazing for me. I've since used it in other areas in my life. I use visualizations to calm myself when I'm stressed or unable to sleep. It's basically meditation.

meggyme · October 2015

@etr152517 Which hypno birthing set did you use? I was considering that.

etr152517 · October 2015

meggyme said:
@etr152517 Which hypno birthing set did you use? I was considering that.

We did a local hypnobirthing class here at a birth center that was based on the Mongan method. I also purchased an app on my phone (search for hypobirthing- it's a pink logo). It had several different sessions you could play like "self hypnosis" or "release, relax and connect"and I would play them at night while I was trying to fall asleep. It was very calming and we practiced for months. If you decide to go that route, I would highly suggest looking into a similar app. I figured it couldn't hurt and I ended up really enjoying it!

Eta: I know you can buy hypnobirthing sets online with CDs etc. it was 2 yrs since I last looked into it so I can't tell you what they cost or the best to use but I know that's def an option if you don't have a center that offers the classes in your area

J&Jaggies06 · October 2015

Our 2nd was delivered by a midwife in a hospital. We still opted to use a doula. I'm glad we did! She was familiar with the room, where things were located and the staff. She was able to tune into me and my progress based on my actions without talking. For example, when I said I wasn't ready to get in the tub, she ran the water anyway because she could tell it was close to time and I wanted a water birth. DH would have listened to me and then they wouldn't have had time to get the tub ready. She could help DH get involved. She could provide relief for DH if he needed a quick break or would bring him a snack/coffee so he could stay with me (bathroom, snack, etc). She catered only to me and my needs unlike the midwife and nurses who also had other mothers in labor. My midwife was in the room ~80% of the time once I was in the labor room. Doula 100%. DH and I both agreed we felt more comfortable and confident with her by our side. She then picked up my camera when DD was born and took a lot of pictures for us of the first moments (we choose to have no family in the labor or delivery room).

WinniethePoohsPants · October 2015

emucoleman said:
Okay, I didn't have a doula last time and I won't this time around (I might consider it if it weren't for the cost involved). I think your husband is key. If you think he'll be really supportive and helpful to you in the ways that you believe you will need, then I don't know that you need a doula. If you don't really think your husband will be the best labor partner, then a doula might be the way to go.

I also think it's really important to consider whether you are really going for a natural birth. Having a natural birth is hard--I think the only way I would have been able to do it last time is if I had someone to encourage and help me every step of the way, someone who had a lot of knowledge about natural pain relief. On the other hand, if you're okay with getting an epidural (and I ultimately was, and I did), then to me a doula would just be a waste of money. That's my two cents...from a person with no experience with a doula, hah.

All of this. My husband was extremely helpful with my labor and delivery. Husbands can make excellent birth partners, assuming they aren't the squeamish types.

vulpini · October 2015

WinniethePoohsPants said:

Okay, I didn't have a doula last time and I won't this time around (I might consider it if it weren't for the cost involved). I think your husband is key. If you think he'll be really supportive and helpful to you in the ways that you believe you will need, then I don't know that you need a doula. If you don't really think your husband will be the best labor partner, then a doula might be the way to go.

I also think it's really important to consider whether you are really going for a natural birth. Having a natural birth is hard--I think the only way I would have been able to do it last time is if I had someone to encourage and help me every step of the way, someone who had a lot of knowledge about natural pain relief. On the other hand, if you're okay with getting an epidural (and I ultimately was, and I did), then to me a doula would just be a waste of money. That's my two cents...from a person with no experience with a doula, hah.
All of this. My husband was extremely helpful with my labor and delivery. Husbands can make excellent birth partners, assuming they aren't the squeamish types.

This is my thinking too. I didn't have a doula with my first birth and I won't for this one either. My husband did great under the pressure of my preterm labor. I didn't have much of a birth plan (and a lot of what I did have went out the window because of being preterm) I was always planning on an epidural and I got one. The only reason I might consider hiring a doula is if we have trouble making arrangements for someone to watch DS while I'm in labor and my husband can't be there with me the entire time.

TheHauntedHauswife · October 2015

I really do think that my husband is going to be able to handle it. Basically the way he is about things, is that he just needs to understand why i would not want and epidural, etc. If i explain that i don't want it because XYZ, hes not going to in any way force me into it. As a matter of fact, hes a huge non-medication person. He will suffer tremendously before he will even take a tylenol. So his own personal philosophy is kind of that we can handle pain, so in respect to keeping my natural birth natural, i see him being good at that. I haven't chosen one of two hospitals yet, but one of them (the one were leaning towards.) only has showers, not tubs. So at-least that would eliminate a need for him to be sure to have a tub ready for me.

Im also thinking that maybe I can just continue to educate myself on doula techniques. To then explain and show to him. I know its not an ideal option, but again there is definitely a financial issue where this is concerned. If it was much cheaper i would just have one just encase. But i am hoping that my husband just being who he is, paired with anything we are able to learn between now and then, paired with hypnobirthing, will end up being enough.

MamaNicoleof3 · October 2015

Here's a quick interview with a doula: https://mom.me/baby/24423-doula-and-author-lori-bregman/

It's not super in-depth, but may help a little.

CourtJack · October 2015

TheHauntedHauswife said:

I really do think that my husband is going to be able to handle it. Basically the way he is about things, is that he just needs to understand why i would not want and epidural, etc. If i explain that i don't want it because XYZ, hes not going to in any way force me into it. As a matter of fact, hes a huge non-medication person. He will suffer tremendously before he will even take a tylenol. So his own personal philosophy is kind of that we can handle pain, so in respect to keeping my natural birth natural, i see him being good at that. I haven't chosen one of two hospitals yet, but one of them (the one were leaning towards.) only has showers, not tubs. So at-least that would eliminate a need for him to be sure to have a tub ready for me.

Im also thinking that maybe I can just continue to educate myself on doula techniques. To then explain and show to him. I know its not an ideal option, but again there is definitely a financial issue where this is concerned. If it was much cheaper i would just have one just encase. But i am hoping that my husband just being who he is, paired with anything we are able to learn between now and then, paired with hypnobirthing, will end up being enough.

Hey, if there are financial constraints, definitely don't stress that not having a doula will affect your birth experience. They are a 'nice to have' but it sounds like you have a plan and you definitely have lots of time to prepare. I loved mine for sure - but if money was a factor, I know I would've been ok without one.

TwoBadMice · October 2015

I wish I had one with my first! I didn't know what to do after he was born I had wanted to do skin to skin but when they handed him to me I just froze. I didnt know how to hold him or breast feed, or when to start breastfeeding. And the nurses didnt really take any initiative to tell me. So besides help through labor I wish I had had one to say "okay take of your shirt off time for skin to skin you did great hold him like this, etc."

hlpeterson1 · October 2015

My hubby stresses at these kinds of things and causes me stress in the process. I am looking into having a doula because he will freak and I won't be able to get through that I need certain things. So she will be there to help both of us through the whole thing. I plan to go as natural as possible.

noelietrex · October 2015

This has been a great thread! I'm definitely paying for a doula because my DH passed out at work the other day when they told him he'd need blood work done for his insurance. He gets queasy during True Blood. DH + blood = we're all going to have a bad time. And birthing is a pretty bloody business. We are first time parents and I don't trust him not to need coddling in the birthing suite. Like OP I'm pretty independent and feel I'll probably be wanting my space, but in my case DH will probably need the doula's support. I think if the experience goes well and I'm supported, he'll be happy regardless if it was him or a doula helping me. If I need something and he just can't deal, he'll feel like a failure if there's no one there to back him up. So we're getting a doula for my husband lol.

HBamama2B · October 2015

Whether you decide to have a natural birth or not, a doula can be a great asset for answering questions and advocating for you during the labor so you can focus. Whatever your birth plan, the point of doulas is that they are there for you before during and sometimes after labor. But how present they are is up to you. My DH and I are hiring a doula but have discussed having her there during the earlier stages, then laboring alone so we can have time as a couple. Like you I'm strong and independent and my DH is fantastic as acting support. I want a doula 'in case' and understand that way we have the flexibility to labor alone or with support. My doula is a friend who charges $600 (friend rate) but they can range 1200 and up depending. So it's a financial decision as well. Hope this helps!

lifeisbetteronthered · October 2015

We considered it with my first, but decided against it mostly due to cost. We were super happy with our decision for three reasons.

A) there was an RSV outbreak, so no one but partners were allowed in the maternity or Peds hospitals. We watched doulas be turned away at the door (and we asked one of the dads, and yes, they still had to pay, but a discounted rate).

my delivery was complicated and we were quickly moved to high risk, then the OR (ended up delivering vaginally in the OR with them prepping for a crash section). Even if we had a doula, she would have been left in the hall at some point. The doc and nurses were wonderful at keeping us fully informed, etc.

C) both my deliveries were complicated. As hard as it was at times to focus on what the doc was saying, I appreciated the frank discussions between them and me (and hubby). I would not have wanted someone non-medical interjecting their two cents or questioning my doctor. My doctor was the best advocate for both me and my children. In both labours, they were never out of my room for more then 5 minutes (but again, there was drama, my daughter's heart rate was much much too slow, then stopped during pushing, and I had HELLP with my son and ended up abrupting). Any delays (by adding another person to explain things to, especially if they weren't "on board") would have killed my kids. Their only use might have been someone to wait with DH when I was rushed to the crash section for my son, but the wonderful nurses made sure to take care of him. Taking care of scared husbands is part of their job, and they are great at it.

PS. I'm really looking forward to an uneventful elective section this time.

sthomas1222 · November 2015

I used a doula for both mine (same doula) & I am a doula. They are such an amazing support to have at your birth, unmedicated or not. Majority of hospitals allow them in the OR & they support planned or unplanned c/s. When having continuous support provided by a doula women experienced:
31% decrease in the use of Pitocin
28% decrease in the risk of C-section
12% increase in the likelihood of a spontaneous vaginal birth
9% decrease in the use of any medications for pain relief
14% decrease in the risk of newborns being admitted to a special care nursery
34% decrease in the risk of being dissatisfied with the birth experience

Many doula allow payments. Mine doesn't care how you pay just half needs to be paid by 37 weeks & the rest at the 2nd prenatal appt. a good doula will have a contract that says yes they do still get paid if your birth is fast & they don't make it or if they are unable to attend due to no fault of their own. I spend a lot of time prenatally & postpartum with my families & am available via text & email their entire pregnancy & long after they give birth. My time is valuable. If I don't make it to the birth my backup gets paid half of my fee. If no backup comes I provide additional postpartum visits, essentially being a postpartum doula providing light housekeeping, laundry, light cooking, etc... If cost is still a factor find a newly trained doula who will provide their services free or low cost. My first few births I did free or for $100 or less. And even now I have the luxury to provide occasional free or low cost services to those who ask for it. Literally they just need to ask.
I've attached a photo from my second birth. The lady on the left in the black shirt is my wonderful doula.

TheHauntedHauswife · November 2015

sthomas1222 "If cost is still a factor find a newly trained doula who will provide their services free or low cost.'' I have heard this a few times, but i have never seen anyone explain how you go about finding someone who is new or has a lower fee. Anyone I have emailed has give me a rate well outside my price range.

CourtJack · November 2015

TomW&JennD said:

We considered it with my first, but decided against it mostly due to cost. We were super happy with our decision for three reasons. A) there was an RSV outbreak, so no one but partners were allowed in the maternity or Peds hospitals. We watched doulas be turned away at the door (and we asked one of the dads, and yes, they still had to pay, but a discounted rate). my delivery was complicated and we were quickly moved to high risk, then the OR (ended up delivering vaginally in the OR with them prepping for a crash section). Even if we had a doula, she would have been left in the hall at some point. The doc and nurses were wonderful at keeping us fully informed, etc. C) both my deliveries were complicated. As hard as it was at times to focus on what the doc was saying, I appreciated the frank discussions between them and me (and hubby). I would not have wanted someone non-medical interjecting their two cents or questioning my doctor. My doctor was the best advocate for both me and my children. In both labours, they were never out of my room for more then 5 minutes (but again, there was drama, my daughter's heart rate was much much too slow, then stopped during pushing, and I had HELLP with my son and ended up abrupting). Any delays (by adding another person to explain things to, especially if they weren't "on board") would have killed my kids. Their only use might have been someone to wait with DH when I was rushed to the crash section for my son, but the wonderful nurses made sure to take care of him. Taking care of scared husbands is part of their job, and they are great at it. PS. I'm really looking forward to an uneventful elective section this time.

Wow, I'm sorry you had such complicated deliveries. FX that your elective C-section means a smoother delivery for you!!

I do, however, just want to say a few things. A doula isn't attending your birth to argue with a doctor or nurse, nor would she require any additional time from a doctor to explain procedures to her - I'm not sure why you think that, but they are there to help you get through your delivery in the safest way possible and ensuring your needs are met. A doula isn't a decision maker nor is she a medical professional. It bothered me that you referred to a doula's presence as a delay that could've killed your kids. Trust me that doulas aren't there to defy the opinions of medical professionals. They are there for support. They are trained and skilled and wouldn't do anything to compromise the safety of you or your delivery.

SweetMamaJune · November 2015

I just got off the phone with a doula agency I have been looking at and I cannot feel more respected and relaxed than I do now. Seriously. I'm so sold and for the first time just really excited about baby! I'm a FTM, but It just makes sense to me, in my life and where I am right now.

In CT, doulas are only required to test after a one weekend course. My doula was required by her company to do a 1 year internship and out of 187 women, 24 made it. Something to think about if you go forward. : )

sthomas1222 · November 2015

It's not really a state by state thing. Each agency has different requirements. Majority attend a workshop, learn from other doulas, & the agencies have a certification process. Some choose to do the process, some don't. I didn't but I'm busy with a full time job, 2 kids, 1 on the way, & no family support nearby.

The @TheHauntedHauswife word of mouth. DoulaMatch is a great resource. Midwives & childbirth educators will know. But yeh word of mouth :-/

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