Fearing pregnancy will give me an eating disorder

katesaleh · October 2015

I debated for a while whether I should start this thread, but I'm in need of support and lack it in my immediate life at the moment.

I would never say I had an eating disorder, but I did struggle with my weight and had some body image issues. I am tall (5'9) and have always had an athletic build, and was probably consistently a few pounds over the weight I should have been according to doctors. But I've never had any medical issues creep up because of my weight.

I gained about 7-10 lbs this past year (the joys of a happy first year of marriage), despite being an avid gym user. I was sort of okay with that, and when I got pregnant, I was okay with the fact that I would be gaining weight. My OB suggested 9-12 kilos (about 19-27 lbs), which is the typical amount they recommend in the country I live in (Jordan). My starting weight left me with a normal BMI. I eat a healthy diet, which typically includes a salad for lunch and one for dinner, and have continued to go to the gym 4-5 times a week doing light cardio.

When I went for my anatomy scan at 18 weeks, I had already gained 8 kilos (over 18 lbs). To say I had a breakdown is putting it mildly. I let the anguish of gaining so much weight so quickly (nearly 10 lbs in 1 month) get to me and not let me celebrate that my son is healthy and measuring on track. I was overwhelmed. I'm afraid of course of the obvious health risks like gestational diabetes or preeclampsia even though my fasted blood sugar levels are normal and my blood pressure is great. I'm also afraid of going down the wrong path when it comes to my relationship with food, both during this pregnancy and after, which I know is the worst thing for my baby and for me. While part of me understands that gaining 35-40 lbs is really not the end of the world and even to some is considered a healthy weight gain, another part of me breaks down in tears over it, and it's that part of me that wants to begin taking extreme measures.

Any others feeling similarly or know of any online resources that might be helpful? Please note that while I would LOVE to go to a therapist, I don't live in a place conducive to that so I need to make the most of my lucid, non crazy moments and try to work through this day by day on my own. My husband is supportive, but does not understand my emotions behind this rapid weight gain. He says he sees me live a healthy, active life, and tells me my blood does not show any need for concern.

I'm happy to gain more weight, but I just need to slow it down and am at a loss for how to do that beyond all that I am doing now. I really can't handle another breakdown at my next appointment if the scales show I've gained more than I should in a month's time. I want to be able to celebrate my body and my pregnancy but this rapid weight gain has left me unable to do that and its a bit heart breaking and I am constantly fearing the worst.

jenniferamcooper · October 2015

This is such a hard topic. If you're worried about gaining too much (which lets face it, we all worry whether we're gaining quickly or not), maybe remodel your diet cutting out processed foods and focusing on just the heathy stuff - and let yourself eat whatever the heck you want as long as it's on the safe side. Putting the focus on nourishing your body and your baby might take some anxiety out of the experience. You're not going to gain tons of weight eating whole grains, lean meats, beans, dairy and fruits and veggies. Well... you might... but it'll be healthy pregnancy weight : )

Just to let you know I didn't gain much weight in the 3rd trimester because I was way too full of baby to eat large quantities of healthy food.

smount2011 · October 2015

Girl, the struggle is real. I am very overweight, but I lost 50-60 pounds just to get pregnant on my own. I have PCOS/insulin resistance, which went forever without being detected until I reached almost 300 pounds. I struggle every day with my weight now that I'm gaining it back. I know its for a purpose, but there are days/weeks when I feel I have gained WAY too much, then there are weeks when I've lost weight and the everyone around me gets worried I'm not gaining enough. My issue is being high risk I can't go to the gym like I used to (I used to go 6 days a week, and was training for a 1/2 marathon this summer when I got pregnant.). I am not sure what else I can do other than watch what I eat, but its still a struggle watching that scale go up.

skruhmin · October 2015

Hugs...it's hard to go through this massive body change completely unscathed. Every body is different when it comes to pregnancy - through weight gain, when they show, if you'll have morning sickness or not, EVERYTHING. Just remember that what you are gaining is not just YOUR weight - it's everything baby related too. You have a growing baby. You have a growing placenta. You have more blood volume. You have water weight. The only ways you can be in control - maybe feel in control - is to focus on good foods - fruits/vegetables/good proteins/good fats/lots of water. If you're getting those in there and not adding in the junk, then there is not much you can do. Staying active is wonderful but don't pressure yourself to do so. A lot of pregnancy is completely out of our control and it's finding how to love our new bodies and the fact that we are growing a brand new human life. It's a beautiful thing.

The Bump had this breakdown of what our weight goes to. Hopefully this will help you feel better.

arcanejinx · October 2015

I'm recovered from an eating disorder (bulimia) and started out this pregnancy heavy. I'm grateful that I really haven't gained much-but also I'm only craving salads and water. And can't stomach my faveorite foods at all.

Acknowledging that how you feel is illogical is a great first step. Talk about it here in this thread-don't let it say in your head. Try to figure out what your body is really craving, that's how I learned to stop binging and Ive been using that to eat right right now. For me I'll crave chocolate when I need a quick sugar bump so I'll have an apple instead and that works for me.

skruhmin · October 2015

Here's the list. TB is being stupid right now:

https://www.thebump.com/a/pregnancy-weight-gain-breakdown

cmerribury · October 2015

I hear what you're saying, and I think it's a complicated issue. I suffered from anorexia in my high school years and when I recovered from that I ended up with a really healthy body image. Ultimately if you are eating healthy and you are exercising regularly, there is really almost nothing you can do about weight gain in pregnancy. Some bodies gain more than others. Some gain less. Try to look at pregnancy as a temporary medical condition...and all the side effects—like weight gain—as part of that.

With my first I ate ALL THE THINGS and gained a TON of weight (60 pounds). It was bad. I was out of control. Almost immediately after he was born—within 3 weeks—I'd lost 35 pounds. It took almost 2 years of hard work to get rid of the rest. This time around I'm up 15, and that's on top of an additional 30 from two previous pregnancies and losses. I'm trying really hard to be good and eat what is healthy, but I'm not exercising (I wasn't allowed in my first trimester and haven't felt up to it in my second, so far)...so I'm expecting about a 40 pound gain. It's not ideal, but I know I will lose it eventually.

Do try not to be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you're doing what you should be to stay healthy. And it sounds like you don't go off the rails like I do. Voice all your thoughts and fears here, keep this board going, and try to be happy for every pound you gain (from healthy means) because it means your child is growing big and strong.

irenewslee · October 2015

With DD, I gained 50lbs and I wouldn't say I am small to begin with (US size 8-10). I would be so worried and cried at times because of the massive weight gain and I was gaining about 5-7lbs on average each month. My doctor was never worried but she was only recommending 3-5lbs a month. During my 3rd trimester, I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I just look like a whale on land. Nothing would fit and my feet were completely swollen to the point where I could wear nothing but flip flops, and I was only wearing maxi dresses because my pants would be too tight on my elephant legs.

With that said though, I lost the majority of the weight 3-4 months after delivery. This included breastfeeding / pumping, watching what I eat (not overeating but not cutting my diet or else I won't make enough milk), and a lot of walking. I started out this pregnancy about 8lbs before I had DD and I know for a fact that the swelling will come back at some point. I think knowing that it is possible to lose the weight makes me feel less anxious this time around. But let's be honest, I am still worried. Sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish for just thinking about my weight and image, but it is true that most women go through this.

Every woman experiences pregnancy differently. I have friends that do not get any swelling and they keep their weight gain around doctor's recommendation. And there is me and others that gain more than what's recommended. Hugs to you!

ewhitledge · October 2015

Lurking from N15. I've had an eating disorder for over fifteen years and wasn't sure I could even get pregnant to start with. The body changes are hard to deal with and I'm sorry you're struggling. Upping my therapy helped me a lot, but since that's not an option here are my suggestions. I weigh backwards at every appointment. I told my providers up front to please not mention my weight gain unless they felt it was absolutely medically necessary. I had my husband hide the scale at home. I'm three weeks away from my due date now and these changes helped me maintain some of my sanity through the process. Hope you get to feeling better!

SparkE82 · October 2015

I agree with @ewhitledge. Don't look/listen to your weight at the doctor's office, and don't weigh yourself at home. Only have the Dr. mention weight gain if they think there is a health related reason to do so.

My thyroid quit working when I became pregnant and it wasn't caught until I was 15-16 weeks along. Needless to say I have gained a LOT of weight early on. This bothers me sooooo much its not even funny. I am not a petite girl anyway. I have always been athletic and the past 4 years or so DH and I have worked REALLY hard at eating healthy and working out (I even managed a six pack at one point and time). Since becoming pregnant, I have lost almost ALL my hard earned muscle mass due to not being able to lift heavy like I was before I was pregnant. (Every time I tried, I would bleed, so doctors told me to not lift anything heavier than 30 pounds during my workouts.) I now look in the mirror and I almost cry because I don't look anything like I am used to. Between losing my muscle mass and gaining all the early weight I look and feel like a bowl full of Jello (poke me and I jiggle....).

What gets me through it is eating healthy when I can, and reminding myself that this weight gain isn't permanent. That the number on the scale is only telling me my relationship with the gravitational pull of the earth...lol. I have also stopped looking at the scale at doctors visits, and stopped using the scale at home or at the gym.

It will take a lot of hard work and dedication, but any "extra" weight above and beyond what is needed for the baby, will eventually come off again. Our bodies are doing the most AMAZING thing possible and growing/nurturing a new little human......so try not to be so hard on yourself now. You are an incredible, beautiful, woman now and you will be just as beautiful after the baby arrives.

Mot sure if you are on Facebook or not, but if you are, look up Natalie Hodson. She is a fitness personality, but a very realistic one with two or three kids. She had gained 60+ pounds with each of her pregnancies, and she very pubilcy worked through all the weight loss AND body image issues she had while doing it. She also posts some really yummy, healthy meals.

katesaleh · October 2015

Thanks, ladies. I knew I wasn't alone, but these responses make me feel a little bit better.

The struggle is totally real and it truly is mind over matter! I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that there is only so much I can do and take it one day at a time. The good thing is I feel great exercising and eating healthy. I don't look at it as a chore and even on those random off days when I'd rather sleep than go on the treadmill, I know I will feel better physically and mentally even just after a long, brisk walk. I just wish that the numbers on the scale correlate a little better, but I guess that's life. While I'm hoping the next weigh in won't be as drastic as an increase, I'm just going to keep reminding myself it isn't permanent and I'm doing all that I can...my body might just be needing a little more fuel than the "average" woman.

I also think I live in a place that looks at weight a bit differently than where I come from, since I'm an American expat here in Amman. Arab women, though they can rock serious curves, definitely are generally smaller than me in stature and size. Maybe that's making it a bit more difficult. That's something I can look past, I think, but probably helps contribute to my mania after weigh-ins!

I know that with effort, whatever I will gain I can take off in time, and part of me looks forward to that and being able to challenge myself and my body physically again. I'll just have to remind myself of that constantly for the next 19 weeks!

kynbar5 · October 2015

You can always join into anything going on here too for any type of reassurance or advice! This is a pretty great group of women

Fearing pregnancy will give me an eating disorder

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