Is this too selfish?

goldie987 · October 2015

Sorry if this is kind of long.

We haven't announced to anyone other than our parents/siblings yet since I'm still very early on. We've started to think about what we are going to do to tell others and I at least don't want to do a big announcement. I would rather tell the people we actually care about and let anyone else find out if/when they find out without a big social media mess. Problem is my MIL has spent this afternoon sending us Pinterest finds of cute social media announcements and I know that she at least will want to do some sort of post about her becoming a grandma long before the baby is due. Is it selfish to tell her that she can't do that because we don't want it all over social media?

fishwife799 · October 2015

I don't think it is. It's your news to share. You have every right to ask her not to post about it.

ecwk · October 2015

I don't think so. I categorically told my family and the ILs to not mention it AT ALL on social media. That is not selfish, it's your news to be shared when and how you see fit.

suchaglencoco · October 2015

Nope, not selfish. Now is the time to set boundaries.
We had our families and in laws on a strict "lips sealed until we say so" due to our previous losses and fertility treatments. They all respected it even though my own mother was bursting with the news after we got past our previous loss stages.

noelietrex · October 2015

Agree with PPs. Your call! Not selfish. Personally I find drawing a line in the sand with my MIL works best when coming from DH but if you can't outsource the task to him, maybe make it easier by including her extra. As in let her throw you a second baby shower she can invite all her friends to so she can brag about being a grandma (and you can score extra loot). Just an idea- good luck navigating!

goldie987 · October 2015

Thanks! Her sending us the announcement ideas today kind of set me off since I'm all of 5w pregnant and not at all thinking about how to make a big broad announcement yet but my first thought was no, not at all, I want nothing to do with the big "tell all the people we are friends with on social media but haven't actually talked to in years" thing.

Corts · October 2015

Yes, set boundaries now or that woman will be banging on your door at all hours offering 50 year old advice and causing marital problems. Also, this is your husbands burden to bear. Have him tell her no announcements until you both agree.

cMichelle0423 · October 2015

Not selfish at all. It's your news, you and your DH share it however you feel like sharing it.

kittyminkbcw · October 2015

Nope not selfish at all.

clairemwalker · October 2015

Seems like everyone here has the same opinion! Totally not selfish. This is one of the few things in life that is truely your own personal good news to share. My FIL spilled the beans to that whole side of the family which really got me down for a couple of days (i was about 8 weeks at the time) sure i got over it, but it really peeved me off at first.

MamaNicoleof3 · October 2015

Not selfish. We don't share pics of our kids on social media, and it drives me flipping batty when my SILs act like aunts-of-the-year by posting pics of our children all over FB.

chelseymat · October 2015

You can tell her not to do it. keep in mind she might not listen. My MIL announced DDs birth on Facebook before DH and I had the chance when DH specifically told her to wait for me to do it first.

evamarta · October 2015

I'm going through the same thing except my MIL has already announced it since the first u/s was on her birthday she felt like it was her news too. I haven't said anything but I completely understand how you feel. I don't think you're selfish at all, in fact I think people who take your news as their own are the selfish ones.

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

fishwife799 said:

I don't think it is. It's your news to share. You have every right to ask her not to post about it.

Agree.

sarahufl · October 2015

I am 17 weeks and the only people we have told is immediate family and a handful of friends we see frequently. Our moms are dying to tell their friends and our extended family but I am just not there yet. There is a very firmly stated rule that my pregnancy doesn't go anywhere on social media until after the baby is born.

It isn't that I am not excited (I am, very), but I have a lot of anxiety issues and It is hard when everyone else wants you to be the bubbly pregnant woman and you can't muster it.

kyraaD · October 2015

i dont think it's selfish! my future MIL has been posting eeeverything on FB, even before i have had a chance to. she posted about me being pregnant before i got to announce it myself & it was really upsetting to me. so definitely put your foot down right away on this, especially if you dont want it on social media at all.

Linsbins · October 2015

Your baby, not hers. I would be livid if someone announced it before I did.

SnarkasaurusRex · October 2015

Honestly, the only reason we did a FB announcement was because DH wanted to. He works from home and that was the easiest way to share the news with his co-workers. I agree with PPs; your baby, your news. Set boundaries now.

My mom is off her rocker with stuff like this. She shares every post I ever put on Facebook, and she just changed OUR family photo at the pumpkin patch (that she is not in) to her profile photo. She recently asked when she could babysit DS so she could take him for professional pictures for Christmas cards. I was like, uhm, I'd like the monopoly on sending out cards with MY kid on them; thanks.

I wish I had laid down the law with her sooner, because it's becoming a pain to constantly battle with her over stuff like this.

franniep1108 · October 2015

Awww this is really tough spot! It isn't selfish, but I do think that the information will get out there sooner than later and the best way to be in control of it is to be ahead of it. I hope that makes sense. At the end of the day, it is your decision. But I have noticed that when you have the social media following, you have more people who are all in your business (the negative side), but will also have so many other people who will give great advice and more people at the baby shower. It is up to you and you are not being selfish, but just remember she is super excited too and it's all love why she wants to post. I am sure you will make the best decision.

fourtsixand2 · October 2015

Sgoldberg247 said:

Sorry if this is kind of long. We haven't announced to anyone other than our parents/siblings yet since I'm still very early on. We've started to think about what we are going to do to tell others and I at least don't want to do a big announcement. I would rather tell the people we actually care about and let anyone else find out if/when they find out without a big social media mess. Problem is my MIL has spent this afternoon sending us Pinterest finds of cute social media announcements and I know that she at least will want to do some sort of post about her becoming a grandma long before the baby is due. Is it selfish to tell her that she can't do that because we don't want it all over social media?

I don't think it's selfish. It's your child, not hers. I understand her being excited about a grandchild, but politely explain to her that you aren't comfortable putting the word out there at this time, as it is rather early in the pregnancy. She should understand.

CamiSelene · October 2015

Totally not selfish! I am right there in the same boat with ya! I have already made it known to my immediate family that I don't want any announcements on FB at any point in time.

MommaChrissie27 · October 2015

I definitely agree with what the majority of ladies here have said... It's 100% your news to share! That said, she will inevitably be very excited to tell people around her. Express to her that you don't want to make a fuss online, but tell her that she can tell her close friends at the 4 month mark or thereabouts. You know her better than we do... If you think she'd take the request to not post anything well, go ahead and tell it to her straight. If you're worried she'll react badly, maybe have your DH do the dirty work!

Good luck! And best wishes for your pregnancy!

DawnSneed · October 2015

I've only told one other person besides my best friend that I'm preg and he doesnt have fb but completely understand and I'm keeping my pregnacy to myself because I don't do drama so no it's not selfish at all..

kaila1980 · October 2015

its not selfish, a lot of people don't like to make a social media mess and you're intitld to your privecy

mrstmoose · October 2015

My thought: If it wasn't your sperm and your egg that made the baby, you don't get a say. She's going to have to deal. This is your child with DH and you guys make the decisions about YOUR baby. Good luck!

callen10210 · October 2015

totally not selfish!! i had to put my foot down with my mil because she kept posting pictures to facebook of our daughter that we had text to her....umm if we wanted them on facebook we would've put them there ourselves. no better time than the present to set boundaries.

Knottie86418473 · October 2015

Not selfish. You're the one who's pregnant - not her. I understand her excitement at being a grandma, but this is not her news to share. If you'd really like to include her you can ask her to help you pick out birth announcements (if you'll be sending) and you can even have the grandparents names put on them if you want. I know my mother and my MIL will be exactly like this so we're holding off on telling family until at least after first trimester - maybe even 20 weeks! Also, I don't even think I'm going to do a social media announcement. We'll tell people we're close to and everybody will figure it out eventually. And I agree with callen10210 - now's a good time to set boundaries! Esp if you don't want an overbearing MIL to become an overbearing grandma.

AOliveira11 · October 2015

Not selfish at all. It's your child and you reserve the right to tell people how and when you see fit. I would just politely tell her that you're going to announce it on social media (for example) when you know the sex of the baby and you'd prefer to do it that way to avoid any stress during the early stages of having to plan an announcement.

goldie987 · October 2015

Thank you all for the awesome replies. She's master of guilt tripping so I just have to remind myself of everything you've said when she goes off about wanting to tell Facebook that she's going to be a grandma and how she should be allowed to if she wants. Another quick question if you ladies dont mind. We were going to tell people nothing on social media until we put something ourselves but let them know we won't be posting anything until very close to delivery if at all to avoid the inevitable "are you going to post something soon? What about now? Tomorrow? Next week?". Does that sound reasonable?

SaltyMcNulty · October 2015

Sgoldberg247 said:

Thank you all for the awesome replies. She's master of guilt tripping so I just have to remind myself of everything you've said when she goes off about wanting to tell Facebook that she's going to be a grandma and how she should be allowed to if she wants. Another quick question if you ladies dont mind. We were going to tell people nothing on social media until we put something ourselves but let them know we won't be posting anything until very close to delivery if at all to avoid the inevitable "are you going to post something soon? What about now? Tomorrow? Next week?". Does that sound reasonable?

MH and I don't mind putting pics and certain things on FB, but under our own terms. When we announced my second pregnancy, we explicitly told them nothing on FB until we posted something (which wasn't until another 8w). They respected our wishes (but we also told them we were cool with them telling extended family, their friends, etc.)

My sister and her H are not on social media at all, largely because of his line of work (security issues). They have explicitly stated no social media, no pics, no announcements. I abide by their wishes. Occasionally my mother needs to be reined in, though.

goldie987 · October 2015

SaltyMcNulty said:

Sgoldberg247 said:

Thank you all for the awesome replies. She's master of guilt tripping so I just have to remind myself of everything you've said when she goes off about wanting to tell Facebook that she's going to be a grandma and how she should be allowed to if she wants.

Another quick question if you ladies dont mind. We were going to tell people nothing on social media until we put something ourselves but let them know we won't be posting anything until very close to delivery if at all to avoid the inevitable "are you going to post something soon? What about now? Tomorrow? Next week?". Does that sound reasonable?

MH and I don't mind putting pics and certain things on FB, but under our own terms. When we announced my second pregnancy, we explicitly told them nothing on FB until we posted something (which wasn't until another 8w). They respected our wishes (but we also told them we were cool with them telling extended family, their friends, etc.)

My sister and her H are not on social media at all, largely because of his line of work (security issues). They have explicitly stated no social media, no pics, no announcements. I abide by their wishes. Occasionally my mother needs to be reined in, though.

Oh, I have no problems with them telling friends they talk to regularly or family, its the big social media announcement for the people who you're fb friends with but haven't talked to in ages that I'm not a fan of. I don't see a point but feel that if it gets put out there, we need to be the ones to do it first.

Bigboobsmcgee · October 2015

Sgoldberg247 said:

Sgoldberg247 said:

Thank you all for the awesome replies. She's master of guilt tripping so I just have to remind myself of everything you've said when she goes off about wanting to tell Facebook that she's going to be a grandma and how she should be allowed to if she wants. Another quick question if you ladies dont mind. We were going to tell people nothing on social media until we put something ourselves but let them know we won't be posting anything until very close to delivery if at all to avoid the inevitable "are you going to post something soon? What about now? Tomorrow? Next week?". Does that sound reasonable?

MH and I don't mind putting pics and certain things on FB, but under our own terms. When we announced my second pregnancy, we explicitly told them nothing on FB until we posted something (which wasn't until another 8w). They respected our wishes (but we also told them we were cool with them telling extended family, their friends, etc.)

My sister and her H are not on social media at all, largely because of his line of work (security issues). They have explicitly stated no social media, no pics, no announcements. I abide by their wishes. Occasionally my mother needs to be reined in, though.
Oh, I have no problems with them telling friends they talk to regularly or family, its the big social media announcement for the people who you're fb friends with but haven't talked to in ages that I'm not a fan of. I don't see a point but feel that if it gets put out there, we need to be the ones to do it first.

Yes you definitely need to be the ones to post something first but even if you don't want to post anything, that's your call. I personally like the FB announcements about pregnancy. For myself as well but it's not for everyone. That's cool.

oceanchild · October 2015

Not selfish at all. YOUR (and your dh's) baby. She got to announce her pregnancy/ies. This is not about *her* becoming a grandma. This is you guys starting YOUR family. If she goes against your wishes and does it anyhow, that is a major invasion of YOUR family's privacy. It's completely valid and reasonable to not want to share this news with every random person on Facebook (who's privacy settings are crap) and all the people on her Facebook that you don't even know. Stand your ground

And congrats!

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