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December 2015 Moms
NellieHarringtonCarter
member
My husband is unemployed and terrified: a little vent and a question
NellieHarringtonCarter
member
Hi everyone,
My husband and I have been married for 8 years, and we are expecting our second daughter after trying for 4 years and having one miscarriage. Around the time I found out I was pregnant, my husband lost his job in a retail industry that he's been in for the last 12 years. The job was very stressful for him and did not offer a very good work-life balance, so we decided that he would not go back into the same old thing, but find something new that worked better for our growing family. So five or so months later, he's still looking.
I do well enough to pay our bills, but not well enough to also cover some work that needs to be done to the house (carpet and paint, broken garage door spring) or much new stuff for the baby (luckily, we have a lot left over from the first). Aside from that, my husband has been at arms-length with this pregnancy, which is completely different from how he was with our first. And while the first month or three after he lost his job were pretty good - stress-free, more time together, etc. - the last few months has sort of devolved. The passion is more or less gone out of our marriage, and while he is an awesome father to our 5 year old, his "husband" role has sort of diminished, as he spends more time on extracurricular activities (like golf and hockey) with his friends.
But this is really only sort of background. The past few weeks have been up and down as we have been more honest with what bothers us (mostly me, since I have a problem with keeping things inside), and we've both been trying really hard to spend more time together and be happy. We know it won't be back to 100% for a while, but we're trying. And I know that most of the issue is that my husband feels depressed and frustrated at being unable to find a job, and with his unemployment about to run out, the pressure has been amped up. But today I think I got a little bit more insight into what the crux of the problem is.
I'm 32 weeks pregnant today, and despite the fact that our kid has been pretty active, albeit sporadically, my husband has yet to feel her kick or move. He sort of tried early on, but she'd always stop when he put his hand on my belly, so he kind of gave up. But I mean, my daughter has, and both my mom and my sister, who live 3 hours away, have, but he hasn't. Sometimes when we're sitting on the couch, I will make comments like "Gosh she's really moving right now" or "It feels like she's doing somersaults," thinking that he'd try to feel her move, but he usually doesn't respond or just says "Ok." Today I gave him a hug and made a comment that our kid just kicked him in the stomach, which he didn't feel. And I said, "Well, if you'd put your hand on my belly for more than 10 seconds, maybe you'd actually feel her move."
To which is replied something to the effect of "Until I find a job, I can't think about it without feeling terrified that I won't be able to support it, so stop pushing it in my face."
Now at first this really stung (partly because my husband never refers to kids as "it," so it surprised me), but then I realized that this is the crux of our problems. He's not bored with me or bored with married life, but now every time he looks at me, he's reminded that we have another kid on the way and are in a lot worse financial position than we were with our first, and it terrifies him. I know it will get better and we'll be fine, because I know he'll get a job, and I know that I'll probably get a raise, and we'll be fine. But even if he doesn't get a job, I know we'll be fine because we have a great support system and we do what we need to do for our kids. But he's not used to failing at anything, and me telling him all of this probably won't help much.
So here's my question: Do I try to keep the baby talk down to a minimum around him (I mean, whether he likes it or not, she's going to be here in 8 weeks, and I know he's going to be excited and love the hell out of her, but do I tone down mentioning movement or other pregnancy symptoms, or asking him for advice on some stuff that we need to get)? Or do I just expect him to suck it up?
Re: My husband is unemployed and terrified: a little vent and a question
Short answer: I'd say, yeah, probably keep the baby talk to a minimum....
Long answer: [ps What I'm about to say may be controversial, but my perspective is that of following what the bible says about husbands and wives. So, read on if you so desire...]
Men have an ingrained need to "provide" for their family, women are naturally more "nurturing", so from his perspective, he is feeling less like a man because he can't provide. It is so strong that it takes over everything about him right now. The best thing you can do is respect him, and tell him all the things he is doing right. Telling him about jobs you've heard of could be misheard as "nagging", even though you're coming at it from a perspective of "I love you". There is a fabulous book called "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs. My hubby and I re-read it every year, just to keep things in perspective. If you have a library nearby, or a church library, I'd highly suggest reading it, then once finances are a little more stable, buy your own copy.
Although it's taking a little longer than he originally expected to find a better job, any paycheck or income would be good. You can decide what the money would be best towards; savings, some baby items you might need that you don't already have, a bill or two, some repairs around the house. Even if it's just a couple hundred every 2 weeks goes a long way trust me. I got laid off from my job earlier this year and although it gave me time to really focus on my health issues during this pregnancy I was still worried about bills or savings. I barely get anything from UE but I get enough to cover a few bills here and there and some savings. Don't worry, just support him and keep him motivated. My biggest problem was feeling like I was a failure, but just remind him that when one door closes another one opens. The right job will happen, patience and not stressing are key
I would say yes, definitely reduce baby talk, it's like you say he will love this child regardless but it seems like he's depersonalising the situation so it's easier for him to cope.
And, although you already are, be there for him and encourage him to talk. I always said to my SO that people want to hire someone with confidence so the minute they start doubting their selves it makes it harder.
It's hard on both of you and remember to take care of yourself!
This pregnancy he was fired a week after we got the positive test. The job had been so stressful that it was honestly a relief even if it made finances stressful. It also had the plus of reducing his PTSD symptoms getting away from an environment that had been rather toxic for him. He got on with a temp agency and tried out different jobs as he put in applications. He knew he didn't want to work in the same type of place again.
He went from being a slot machine technician in a casino to working security at a corporate headquarters and while his benefits are a joke and he makes much less, he's happy with what he's doing. He's just now starting to come out of the distance he put up with worrying how to provide for a second child as we're slowly getting caught up. Like a pp said, we've reduced bills as much as possible and sold things we don't use. We're not missing out on anything by doing this. The last few weeks he's only started to feel Bun since she kicks him a lot when he wakes me up.
Things can get better, progress just isn't easy.
I think sometimes they just need to hear that they don't HAVE TO provide in the narrow definition that men are using to having to provide within. That being "Mr. Mom" means that you never have to put your kid in daycare (a huge fear of mine) or entrust them to a sitter.
That "Hon, I don't know what i'd do if you went back to work full time" conversation really makes them feel better and takes the pressure off. Even if he does need to eventually get back out there, removing that stress of feeling "useless" is going to be huge for him.
I would keep on going with the baby talk. But don't force anything on him. I can't agree with saying don't push him to find a job, because my DH would still be unemployed if I didn't push him into a different career focus. You just have to find a balance. My H loves working. He feels useless without it. Even having anything to do all day has helped his attitude immensely!! So much that he agreed to have our first baby!!
Good luck!! ❤️
However, it took me almost 9.5 months to find a new job, and during that time I sank further and further into depression. My DH told me he felt so helpless trying to figure out how to cheer me up, while I felt like a total drain on our resources. We had to move out of our rental townhouse and in with his grandmother for almost a year. When my unemployment ran out, I gave in and applied for minimum wage retail jobs (I'm a licensed attorney, so that was hard for me to swallow, even though I had worked retail in the past).
It can be hard on the unemployed spouse to deal with those feelings of failure, especially when it takes a while to find a new job. It sounds like you have been very understanding and supportive, but he probably just can't come to terms with how difficult it's been to find a new job. And there is also that pressure that men put on themselves to provide for their families, even though that pressure doesn't come from the wife. You aren't doing anything wrong, it sounds like you're doing everything right in this situation. And I agree that keeping him posted on your appointments and baby's progress will keep him involved hopefully without reminding him of the coming increase in responsibility. He clearly already is stressing himself out over dealing with a new baby. All you can do for now is continue to be there to listen and support him as much as he'll let you.