boy names suggestions and a rant.

krisstewfan94 · October 2015

So my bf doesn't like the name Silas Isaiah and I had my heart set on that name so no other names are sticking out to me. The thing is is that he hasn't been to any of the appointments and we don't really hang out very often since I moved in July. My family says he doesn't get to choose it because he's just been in the background the entire time. But at the same time I don't want to dismiss his opinion because he is the dad. I'm so frustrated and confused on what to do.

BostonBaby1 · October 2015

Can we get some more info please? I'm sorry he's been in the background but to what extent?

spottedginger · October 2015

If he isn't an active part of your life and isn't intending to be an active participant in your son's life, then his opinion doesn't hold a whole lot of weight. I might be misinterpreting the situation though, based on the vague background. I'm with @bostonbaby1 need more details.

blended10 · October 2015

Does he hate the whole name or just the pairing? As in, Isaiah is ok but not Silas (or whatever combo)? Compromise seems the easy answer. My husband didn't like my choice of middle name so we came up with a new one.
You live together & he's not involved? Because of work or what? Agree with pp we need more details to adequately help.

krisstewfan94 · October 2015

I live with my parents and he lives with his.Aunt and hour away. He hasn't gone to any of the appointments or met my parents. He says he's gonna be an active part of our sons life but he's yet to show me he will be. We don't hang out and go on dates anymore, I'm doing good to get a text from him once or twice a week let alone a phone call. He works a lot because he's trying to save up to get his own place so idk if that's part of it or not.

Peanut1128 · October 2015

Even someone who works a lot should have time to text you once a day to see how you are doing. I have no advice on the first name except to say, don't let him push you into a name you are not comfortable with. I have a family member who had a baby with her BF who pushed for the baby to be named after him. The child is now 13, and has not seen or heard from his father in years. The name was somewhat of a painful reminder for them so she legally changed his last name to hers.

suchaglencoco · October 2015

krisstewfan94 said:
I live with my parents and he lives with his.Aunt and hour away. He hasn't gone to any of the appointments or met my parents. He says he's gonna be an active part of our sons life but he's yet to show me he will be. We don't hang out and go on dates anymore, I'm doing good to get a text from him once or twice a week let alone a phone call. He works a lot because he's trying to save up to get his own place so idk if that's part of it or not.

If a man wants to make time for you, he will. I think you need to have an open conversation about the lack of communication, his lack of participation and lack of over all attention for you and little one. If he isn't going to be a more active part of your child's life, you need to begin to figure things out for yourself- what is best for you and your child.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

RSB1982 · October 2015

He hasn't met your parents? Doesn't sound involved to me. I would point blank tell him that until he demonstrates that he does intend to be an involved father that you will be making the decisions. And this includes the name.

cmcweeney · October 2015

I love the name Silas! And your bf doesn't sound too involved right now. Working a lot is an excuse, if he wanted to be involved he would be. Name your baby what you want. He will get over it.

TomekiaB · October 2015

Did he give you any reason he doesn't like the name? If he has a good reason I'd consider choosing something else if there is an actual negative connotation for his family with the name (because even if he isn't involved his parents or other relatives might want to be if you give them the opportunity). If it is just his opinion and he isn't involved, I wouldn't reconsider your choice.

yl1m32015 · October 2015

Are you two even romantically involved at this point? Or just co-parenting? Does he plan to be there for the birth? Do you plan to live together eventually?

cdv2015 · October 2015

I'm going to make a suggestion on a name. Name him Silas Isaiah. You and you alone have been an active participant thus far. Don't assume things will change as soon as the baby lives outside your womb. Your son will require more time and attention than he does now. Is your bf planning on not working as much in order to spend time with his son or will he keep the same schedule? Rhetorical question... just something to consider before you change your mind.

Edit: clarification.

krisstewfan94 · October 2015

We haven't spent anytime together since my birthday and that was June 27th. He plans on being there for the birth but that doesn't mean he'll actually show up..

VesperLove · October 2015

So at this point he's basically a sperm donor?

Sorry to put it into such blatant (and likely rude, my apologies) terms but when you boil down the situation, that's his current role. Yes, he might say that he wants to be involved and be a father and his current behavior might change after baby gets here but he's not doing himself any favors/raising confidence levels with his current actions.

Being a father doesn't start when the baby enters the world. He has obligations now. You've chosen to keep this child and therefore he has responsibilities to that baby and to you ... and it sounds like he's not taking them seriously. Working a lot is great but you don't even seem sure that that is the reason for his absence. He doesn't call you or text you or check in on you. He hasn't met the grandparents of his unborn child. He doesn't make time for you often. He seems absent.

And because of that, you owe him nothing. He owes YOU more time and effort and care. He shouldn't have any say in naming this child since you aren't even sure the role he will play once the baby gets here. It would be a totally different story if he was an active participant in this pregnancy. But until that happens, this decisions is yours and yours alone and you shouldn't feel bad for it.

spottedginger · October 2015

@VesperLove you are on point and eloquent. These are the sentiments that I couldn't get written when I tried to respond.

krisstewfan94 · October 2015

It just gets frustrating because we make plans and then something ALWAYS magically comes up that we can't hang out. I'm hoping things will change after the baby's born but I highly doubt it. It seems like he's pulling away from me. I don't want my son to go through what my nephews go through where they don't know their dads. For me that's my biggest fear and it's starting to become more real everyday...

suchaglencoco · October 2015

krisstewfan94 said:
It just gets frustrating because we make plans and then something ALWAYS magically comes up that we can't hang out. I'm hoping things will change after the baby's born but I highly doubt it. It seems like he's pulling away from me. I don't want my son to go through what my nephews go through where they don't know their dads. For me that's my biggest fear and it's starting to become more real everyday...

I'm sorry but you are right to doubt this. I truly hope I'm wrong but once that added responsibility is in his face, I don't think anything will magically change.
Please know that YOU are NOT the reason your son may face not knowing his father. Never blame yourself. He is an adult. He made the decision to have sex. It is his responsibility to man up and take on his role as a father.
And whatever happens, whether or not he wants to be a present and active father, I suggest you look into what you need to do to make sure he is held responsible financially for your little one. He has no choice in that!

krisstewfan94 · October 2015

I'm definitely not afraid to push for child support, he's gonna help one way or another.

donna2302 · October 2015

I don't want to sound negative but, don't set your expectations too high. He's not showing he really cares, so just pick the names you like. If he wants to have a say, he should start being a man and assume his respsonsibilities.

samstradt · October 2015

I have been where you are my 11 year old doesn't belong to the man I am with now but his real dad had a fit about what I wanted to name him so I changed it. Even though he was never around. I thought maybe he would after he was born no it got worse he doesn't even call him and don't pay his child support. But the man I am with now treats him like his own. So just because you're son's real dad might not step up to the plate like he should doesn't mean he won't ever have a dad. Any man can get you pregnant but it takes a real man to step up to the plate and be there no matter what. The man I am with worked in the oil field tell he got laid off 8 months ago and he still found time to go to the doctor with me when he was home. He was at work when I went into labor 12 hours away and drove home to see his son. So work is just an excuse. And I am so sorry you are having a baby by a boy that calls himself a man cause a feal man would stand by your side and his baby no matter what he would make time.

VegetaElPrincipe · October 2015

Name YOUR child what YOU want. Sperm donors don't get a say.

Melissadmag · October 2015

I get that he's the dad, and it's wonderful that you want to respect him in that way....but..... from the sounds of it, the only action he has taken since getting you pregnant is to say no to something you really had your heart set on. He isn't involved with anything other than saying no to the name? Oh, you get to do all the hard stuff, but the fun thing, like picking the name, he's just going to go and say no on and that's okay? At this point, he should be glad you're still going to give the baby his last name from the sounds of it. If he wants to be involved, then by all means, he can get involved, but at this point, what 7 or 8 months in and all he has contributed is some sperm and making you feel bad about the name you chose doesn't seem right. 1 or 2 texts a week is not a relationship, nor is it an involved father, I think you might have to take a serious look at a lot more than just the baby's name at this point and find out if you 2 are even still together. I know military fathers that are literally in Iraq that talk to the mothers of their children more often than that. His excuses of working and living an hour away are a laughable excuse not to contact you more or be involved.

krisstewfan94 · October 2015

He'll probably have my last name because I don't want him to have his last name if we don't stay together

amye02 · October 2015

krisstewfan94 said:
He'll probably have my last name because I don't want him to have his last name if we don't stay together

I don't know what state you live in, but in mine if the couple is unmarried the father has to be present for the birth certificate signing & swear an oath that the baby is his child for the baby to have his last name.
My own personal experience: my bio dad's (dead beat) last name which differed from my mom's growing up, I would have preferred having hers than explaining why she had her maiden name and mine was different.

Jmdavin · October 2015

@krisstewfan94 so sorry you are going through this. Not to sound harsh, but if the guy i was dating (regardless of whether I was pregnant with his child or not) hadn't spent any time with me since June and barely spoke to me via text or phone a couple times a week... I would not still consider him my boyfriend or that we were "still together".

You deserve A LOT more than what he's giving. As does your son. It is great if does end up showing up for birth and being more involved, but it just sounds like you and baby are not a priority for him right now. I would 100% name him what you want, give him your last name and establish co-parenting boundaries/rules with the dad if he does want to be involved. But overall, YOU are the main parent and get to make the majority, if not all, the decisions until he actually steps up to the plate and starts being a responsible father.

Good luck, really wishing you the best outcome and hope you have some great family or friends to be your support system during this time.

Beckah31 · October 2015

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. This person is a sperm donor. Nothing more. He's not worthy of you calling him your boyfriend as he is not fulfilling any of the responsibilities of that role.
It's time to pull on your big girl panties, tell him "see you in the support hearing", and move on. Name that beautiful baby whatever you want because you're the one who is and will be doing the hard stuff.

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