How open were you with people? — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

How open were you with people?

Did you tell people what happened? I hadn't told anyone other than a friend that I was pregnant, but people at work have been asking if I'm okay since I've been off for a few days. I've been honest that I lost a pregnancy this week. My responses have been short and sweet: "I lost a pregnancy, but I'm doing a little better now. Thanks for asking." Part of me is worried about making them feel awkward, but I don't have the desire to hide it or pretend everything is fine. I'm typically a very private person, but I have worked with these people for 5 years and it's really unusual for me to miss work. How did you handle it?

On a side note, I didn't know this would physically hurt so much. I was in so much pain yesterday, but I'm finally starting to feel better. Hopefully the feeling better sticks around. 
Me: 29, DH: 31
Married: October 2014
Began TTC: April 2015
BFP #1: 9/18/15. EDD 5/18/16. MC 10/26/15. (9w)
BFP #2: 2/27/16. EDD 11/7/16. MC/D&E 4/20/16 (11w)
BFP #3: 9/22/16. EDD 5/29/17. DS born 4/24/17 <3
BFP #4: 5/20/18. EDD 1/23/19. 

Re: How open were you with people?

  • Very sorry for your loss, we miscarried at 12 weeks and before the loss we had only told parents and siblings on both sides as well my boss because of the work i do. after the miscarriage the same people were told plus his boss (because he took time off work) but that was it. you are right that this is a private, thing for me i like to talk about it but only when its to other women who have suffered a loss. i feel like anyone else doesn't really know what to say or i don't really want to hear it, even though they mean well its just not the words i need right now. hope this helps
  • I just had a diagnosed mmc on Thursday.  I spent the weekend miscarrying and today is first day I'm feeling even kind of close to normal (physically anyway).  I was out Thurs, Fri and Mon.  I went back yesterday but it was too soon and I wasn't ready, physically or mentally.  I'm working from home today and plan on going back tomorrow. 

    I actually work for the same company as my husband (different offices) so he was actually able to give my coworkers the heads up.  They didn't know we were pregnant and I never miss work either so they were all wondering why I was out for so long and so suddenly.  I think it helped that he was able to tell them so didn't have to say it out loud.  I wasn't ready to talk about it or even say the word miscarriage.

    As much as I didn't want to say anything to anybody, I think it's helpful that they know.  He told a few people that I had a miscarriage but that I didn't want to talk about it.  Word got out pretty quickly. Most people respected us enough not to say anything.  There are always some nosey Nellie's out there, but I think being honest with them and telling them you just aren't ready to talk about it worked for me.  We'll find out when I go back tomorrow.

    I understand where you are and where you've been.  I hope things continue to get and stay better for you.

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  • Good luck going back, @Tippy05. I took Monday and Tuesday off and this is my first day working from home. I'm going to try to go to the office tomorrow. When people have asked me where I've been or whether everything is okay, it's been over email or IM. I think that's why it's easy for me to tell them what happened. It probably would be harder to say it out loud. I'm appreciating the support from the people I've told, though. I don't know if it's taboo to talk about or not, but I don't really care too much either way at this point. 
    Me: 29, DH: 31
    Married: October 2014
    Began TTC: April 2015
    BFP #1: 9/18/15. EDD 5/18/16. MC 10/26/15. (9w)
    BFP #2: 2/27/16. EDD 11/7/16. MC/D&E 4/20/16 (11w)
    BFP #3: 9/22/16. EDD 5/29/17. DS born 4/24/17 <3
    BFP #4: 5/20/18. EDD 1/23/19. 

  • I have had quite a similar experience! We had not told anyone of our pregnancy. I was 6 weeks 3 days when I lost -or, shall I say, began the experience of losing- our pregnancy. 

    When it started to happen, I forced myself to drive to my friend's house. (I am relatively new to my city, so my super-best friends don't live here.) I sat down and said, "This is going to be a lot of information at once, but yesterday I was pregnant and today I am not." It felt mechanical, robotic to say it like that, but it was the only way I could get that out. 

    It's been almost a week and I find myself much more open then I thought I'd be. We're not telling our families- I honestly don't have any impulse to tell them. Whenever they find out I'm suffering, they suffer double. I know this from experience! Strangely, I've felt more comfortable being open to friends of mine that are less close, rather than my oldest friends. I've told a few of my blog readers (I write a personal blog for a living) and some other online correspondences. I know that's a little strange, but it's been what feels the most natural. 

    I like how sharing normalizes this experience to me. The process of miscarrying, well, it's something I'd never considered before. It made me feel dirty. I kept getting in the shower. I had the urge to scrub my house. I wanted to throw out the clothes that I associated with it. And like you, I had no idea how painful it would be. I felt like the pain was insult to injury. Now that the process has tapered off, whenever I share what happens, it makes me feel more normal and less like I'm clinging onto a private, painful secret.

    To discover that SO MANY of the women around me have experienced this, to know what it's like to pass tissue and blood, that makes me feel stronger, and more connected, instead of isolated and gross. And I'd choose stronger and connected any day!

    As for the pain....I experienced this MC naturally without going to the doctor. That is what worked for me. However, doctors can prescribe prescription pain meds. After all, our bodies are experiencing a mini labor!! OUCH. I encourage you to ask about pain killers if you feel like that would help. There is no reason to suffer physical pain on top of everything else. I myself am taking sleeping pills right now, just so I can assure that at night I will crash out. 

    Best of luck to you. 

    Due with rainbow rainbow rainbow baby on 9/29/17
    It's been a long road- Let's just say that! 
  • I am always very secretive when I'm pregnant, but strangely open about things when I have a m/c.  It helps me through.  If you're telling people, then that's what feels natural to you, and that's what you should keep doing.  I'm glad you're feeling better.
    4 early losses 2009, 2010, 2015.  Baby #1 born 2/13/11.  
  • I am a teacher at a Catholic School so to say we are close would be an understatement.  I had only told 2 people at school about the baby.  Those 2 people were very understanding with the miscarriage, one of them had actually suffered a loss at 15 weeks when she was much younger.  After the miscarriage I also told another teacher who has had 3 and was very open about them.  I do feel that more people will know as time passes or possibly when we are pregnant again, so they understand my apparent anxiousness.

    When people would ask why I was out I would simply reply it was a personal day.  When people would say things like "Are you ok?" "You look sad." "Is anything wrong?"  I would be truthful and say "Yes, I am sad. No I don't want to talk about it." maybe something like "It's personal."  That was enough for the qeustions to stop.
  • I am typically a private person. However after the miscarriage, I was surprised how much I opened up to others.
    For me, it was helpful to acknowledge my loss, and not try to pretend things were okay, or have people wondering what was going on.
  • I had to tell my bosses since I lift heavy things at work and then a few people there noticed I wasn't coming out anymore with them to drink and that I was watching what I ate more and figured it out. Other than that a few close friends and a sister in law know what happened. I've been open with some of them, but most just try to not bring it up. It makes me sad either way. Everyone that knew told me how sorry they were and one shared her own story. I usually keep to myself about personal things and my husband and I already decided we're telling less people next time. It'll just be easier incase something were to happen again, God forbid.
  • My first loss was at 6 weeks, we told some family, and some church friends found out. They were very sweet. As time went on I was able to tell more people when it felt appropriate. This time we were almost 12 weeks and had told a lot of family and friends. Other than calling my mom and MIL, I opted to post about our loss on facebook, rather than have to tell everyone again and again. I'm not a big sharer on FB but it was really nice to have a way to share what we're going through, and I've gotten so many lovely, comforting messages. Many friends have shared their stories. Every single response makes me tear up but it's therapeutic for me. I think. It is so fresh right now.

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