(Just a note to say, I ramble here before I come to my loss, but it is important to set the scene).
My brother-in-law and his 'wife' (I use inverted commas because they're not legally married, but they had a wedding... more on this to follow) are both quite greedy individuals and this manifests itself regularly in the form of copying; if they see someone with something they'll have to have it.
Individually, these incidences could easily be just coincidence, but there is a whole catalogue that definitely looks suspect when considered as a whole.
Most of the time this occurs in the form of objects/gifts. For example, I was bought an art deco watch as a present from my husband (at the time my boyfriend) and soon after his brother bought his 'wife' (at the time his girlfriend) an art deco watch as a gift. Similarly, I was bought an emerald ring for my birthday, then he bought her an emerald ring too. A diamond necklace and earring set: again, first me then her.
This doesn't just happen with us either; she insisted he buy her a fur coat after he had bought his mother one. She buys the same earrings as my sister-in-law and insists she had them first. They buy their daughter things that my other niece has asked for, and then let her parade them in front of my other niece. These are just a few of the many instances in which they’ve copied us or others.
This, on its own, is nothing more than an annoyance and perhaps something to laugh at. But they've also based big life choices on their 'I-want-because-they-have' mentality. A year and a half-ago me and my husband sent out our save-the-date cards for our wedding. His brother and the 'wife' had been 'engaged' far longer than we had, but there'd been no talk of a wedding in the entire time I'd known them, and they were one of those couples that were just 'eternally-engaged-never-to-be-married.' She had regularly shown contempt for the institution of marriage and endorsed the conspiracist idea that if you get wed the government will know too much about you and control your freedoms, etc. But a week after our save-the-dates went out, they announced they were getting married a month before us. Talk about thunder-stealing.
This didn't frustrate me as much as it frustrated my husband, but he got over it and we managed to laugh at how ridiculous the whole thing was. They only started planning two weeks before their actual wedding date, and she'd thrown him out a number of times throughout the year, so really we were all fairly unsure of whether or not there was even going to be a wedding. But there was and it was a lovely day (it's amazing what you can throw together in a couple of weeks). Nevertheless, we felt certain that they’d not have married had we not set a date. We also felt a sense of pointlessness in the event, since they had a ‘wedding’ and exchanged rings, yet did not actually get married. In the eyes of the law (and in fact the local authority) they are both single and she lives alone as a single mum. Again, this is a reflection of their greed, since she probably claims help with her rent, etc.
As frustrating as this is, it is nothing in comparison to what’s just happened, and I’m sure you can guess by now where this is going.
My brother-in-law has wanted another child for a long time (they have one already), but his ‘wife’ has put it off because of her work commitments and the fact that my BIL is an alcoholic and drug-abuser and regularly disappears for days, getting off his face. They are both also very selfish and will drop their 8 year-old off to my sister-in-law’s any chance they can get and leave her there until they have been sufficiently bombarded with phone-calls asking about their whereabouts and what time they are planning to collect their daughter. My mother-in-law felt certain that the ‘wife’ would never have another child.
And yet, you’ve guessed it, after we announced our pregnancy to a select few (including those two), she congratulated me, and quickly steered the subject to how she was ready to have another baby too. I cried that night, thinking about how difficult it would be if something goes wrong with us and they have a baby that would be due around the same time and would only have been conceived because of our conception.
And then I miscarried a couple of weeks later.
Now I’ve just found out that they are actually expecting.
I am not mean or stupid. I do not for one second expect that people around us put their family planning on hold because we are sad. I have been very happy for my colleague who has just had a baby. I can compartmentalise and rationalise my pain. Pregnancies and birth around me do not make my pain worse, they just remind me of it. I can feel happy for other people’s joy and I have not been bitter or resentful about the other pregnancies around me.
But this is different. This is intricately linked with my loss. They are ONLY having a baby because we were. And their pregnancy is like a punch in the face. It is mean and cruel. And I don’t know how I can spend Christmas with them. And I don’t know how I can welcome a new niece or nephew whilst hating the fact that they were conceived. And my poor husband.
Both my friend and my husband have told me that, ‘at least we’re happier than they are’, ‘at least we’ve got a good relationship and are better people.’ My friend was trying to encourage me to see it from the ‘wife’s’ perspective – ‘it’s sad for you, but look at how messed up she must be.’ But this hasn’t helped. I don’t want to compare ourselves to them. That’s what they do. I don’t want to do the same. I just want them to stop comparing themselves to us. I want to feel like I can share things with my in-laws without the worry that they will jump on our bandwagon. There is no room on this wagon at the moment. It’s full of sadness. And they’re hitching a ride at the expense of that.
I don’t really know what I am achieving posting this, other than letting off steam. Perhaps, if you’ve been patient enough to read this far, you can tell me if I’m being irrational, or reading too much into things. Perhaps if you do I will be angry at you! Haha. Perhaps some empathy (if it’s deserved) will help. I don’t know. Thanks for being a virtual ear and shoulder though.
Re: A catalogue of coincidences
Sadly miscarried our first pregnancy 09.09.15
Sadly miscarried our first pregnancy 09.09.15
Sadly miscarried our first pregnancy 09.09.15
Oh my, I am so sorry that you have had to deal with these people. I'm even more sorry for your loss. A loss is already painful enough but to have more negativity in your life doesn't help with the coping I'm sure. I would minimize contacts with these people. I know you mentioned you can't avoid Christmas-but you don't have to talk to them or interact with them at all in my opinion. Will other family members be understanding if you don't want involvement with them? They should considering everything. In my opinion you would even have every right to avoid even holiday functions because of them (if that was your wish).
It does sound very plausible that she faked a pregnancy which is down right sick. It's not all that easy to just get pregnant whenever you want (for most people at least... maybe I'm a little jaded as I'm battling infertility issues) but that timing seems very odd to me.
I've had a lot of toxic people in my life and have recently cut out a lot of them especially after suffering my loss. I feel so much better for it and I believe that it is hoping me through all the emotions tremendously. I know family is different but at this point it doesn't sound like that act like family at all. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I'm sending hugs your way and praying for
**BFP and loss warning**
BFP1 04/24/2015 EDD Dec 2015 MMC 10W5d;
BFP 2 09/25/2015 EDD June 2016 MMC 9wks;
BFP 3 03/22/2016 EDD Dec 6th 2016
I agree, the timing is odd, but I'm sure she wouldn't have lied. I think they must have started trying the night that we told them we were pregnant, which would have probably been about just over 2 months ago? I'm not sure how far along they are. But that will be interesting to find out.
I've been trying to keep away, but Friday, Saturday and now today there have been family events/gatherings with them and I've managed to avoid the last two, but I don't think I can get out of today. We'll see.
Sadly miscarried our first pregnancy 09.09.15
Anyway, like the situation with the wedding (they managed to squeeze it in a month before us), it probably looks to the outside world that we are copying them, as we are now pregnant again and due end of August.
And the 'wife' is now keen on the buggy we've been eyeing up... It's never ending!
Sadly miscarried our first pregnancy 09.09.15
I'm sure everyone already said everything but, if it were me, I would a.) Not tell her anything ever again and b.) Start throwing her off her off your trail. For example, planning on getting an emerald necklace to match your ring? You tell her you're looking at pearls.
Ugh. I cannot imagine. She sounds awful. Huge hugs to you!
EDD: 06/25/2006 M/C: 11/03/2005
EDD: 04/08/2012 M/C: 09/03/2011
EDD: 12/27/2012 Born Sleeping: 07/19/2012
EDD: 12/07/2013 M/C 05/30/2013 & 05/31/2013
EDD: 07/01/2016 Born sleeping: 03/02/2016