I am hurt that some people haven't even called

indy_chic · October 2015

I am hurt that some of my closest friends /family have barely or haven't reached out since our loss. Friends that I have held dear for over 20 years haven't even called and maybe have sent 1 simple text message. I don't get it! Is it because they don't know what to say? Because they don't validate my daughter as a baby but rather as a fetus (she was 40 wks. SHE WAS A FULL TERM BABY!!) Or is it because they are too busy with their lives and cant find the time to see how we are doing?
Sorry, maybe this is a selfish post but in a time when we need so much support and i although we have received tonnes of support I am missing it from the people that mean the most.

penelope4612 · October 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you're having a hard time getting the support that you need. I would bet that your friends have no idea what to say/do in this situation. I obviously don't know your friends, but it's hard to imagine how to comfort someone after something so tragic when it's something you've never experienced yourself. I get what you're saying, and some kind words, or a card, is more appreciated than silence, but maybe they don't know that. Maybe they are afraid of reminding you (and don't realize it's something that you will never forget).

You could try reaching out to them, when you're ready, and let them know that you're hurting and could use some support, while at the same time being wary that if they actually don't know what to say, they may try to say something "comforting" that comes off as unhelpful (see the "what's the worst thing someone said to you after your loss" thread).

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

valleric · October 2015

They probably have no clue what to say. Im assuming my family and close friends who know about my loss at 9w2d have no idea what to say so they say silent. It's hard, knowing you had a growing life inside you and saw their heart beating, but others don't seem to acknowledge your loss at all.

krzyriver · October 2015

I felt the same way when I announced to my family two weeks ago that we had lost the baby. But honestly, if the situation was reversed, I don't know what I would say and I would feel like I'm being pushy or nosey. I know my family talked to my parents to make sure I was ok, and the few that I *needed* to hear from called. But other than that, they gave me my space and in the end, I appreciated it. I think i would have wallowed more if I'd had to take calls and retell the story to everyone.

I'd say that if there is someone you *really* need to talk, reach out to them. They might assume that you will be in touch when you're ready to talk.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

ssnova · October 2015

Whether you lost your baby at 4 weeks or 40 weeks the result is the same, you lost a baby...a baby that was wanted, loved and cherished from the moment their exsistance was known. It's easy to be angry from lack of support after this kind of tragedy and I am sorry if you are feeling alone right now, it's hurtful. my thinking is that there is nothing anyone can say to me that would change my feelings, the only thing that was going to help me was having my baby back inside me safe and growing. I don't know you or your friends but I can only imagine their silence is not intended to cause more pain but instead because they don't have the words, because there are no words, my greatest support comes from my partner, parents and my sisters. Even with them there are moments when they don't know what to say or do to help me in a breakdown so they are just there to hold me when I don't have the strength. Try to take comfort in the people that are there with you. A parent loosing a child is not the "natural order" of things. I think most people just don't know how to respond to something so devesating but I do understand your feelings. I have just started reading a book on miscarriage and pregnancy loss and for me this has been so helpful...emotionally I felt very alone, like no one understood the depths of my pain...the hell im going through. when I read it I feel like I'm getting what I was missing, reading what other mothers have gone through I found people I could relate to. I think that will be your greatest help when you're ready...I am so sorry for your loss...my thoughts and prayers are with you and yours

kja2011 · October 2015

I am so sorry for your loss.

After my miscarriage, the level of support surprised me both good and bad. Some of my best friends, who have experience multiple miscarriages themselves, sent only 1 text, and nothing more. I was so hurt. At my husband's urging, I reached out to one of them, to try and talk through experience. Nada.

On the other side, friends who aren't that close, were the ones who picked up the phone to call and have continued to check in on me.

I agree with some people not knowing what to say, but it is still so hurtful.

If you can find other outlets to talk to, I'd recommend it. These messages boards were a tremendous help to me, as well as a fertility yoga group where most of us had experienced loss.

I hope your friends reach out to you soon. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

indy_chic · October 2015

Thank you ladies! I am thankful for the support we do receive and grateful for these forums too.
@ssnova I was just looking at purchasing Empty Arms. Which book did you read?
@kja2011 Exactly! I have friends I have barely known for 1-2 years who have babysat my other child, made us meals etc. And my girl friends who I have known for more than half my life haven't even sent a card (the words are already printed, you just have to sign your name). Funny because they could say nothing, just being there would be enough. I know it is not intentional but I just need them to validate her birth and my feelings. Talking about it makes me feel better.

kja2011 · October 2015

I had a friend encourage me to email her what I was going through, feeling. She admitted she didn't know what to say, but wanted to be there to listen.

I've never been one to journal, but this was also helpful. I only did it a couple of times, but I think it was good to hit "send" and feel like someone was out there listening, caring.

ssnova · October 2015

I'm reading "pregnancy after loss" they go through feelings you are having now and why this may have happened then progress into a future pregnancy and and the new stress that they will bring...I went straight to this book because I had done a lot of searching online and felt like most of what I need I got from that and these forums, so thank you all for being open about what you are going through, it's been a great help. Also there is a group called M.E.N.D that was started by a women who had suffered stillbirth and a miscarriage(so she can relate to the pain of both early and late pregnancy loss)they have a web site and put out newsletters that I read they have been helpful...they discuss how to cope with holidays and other events through the year that may be difficult. I hope this helps.

jacobsone2 · October 2015

I had that happen after my first loss. My three closest friends said nothing. They would talk to me like nothing. One day I blew up and asked why they didn't say anything. They said it was bc they didn't know what to say.

MamaBish · October 2015

I'm so sorry. I found after my dd was still born that many have no idea what to say. They think that saying something about it will remind you of it (as if you could forget!) and they do not want to upset you.

I hope they come around, hugs to you

krzyriver · October 2015

MamaBish said:

I'm so sorry. I found after my dd was still born that many have no idea what to say. They think that saying something about it will remind you of it (as if you could forget!) and they do not want to upset you. I hope they come around, hugs to you

Yes, exactly. People worry that they will remind you of what happened.

I didn't even realize this until I was at work they other night. Apparently a coworker of mine also lost her baby and she had her D&C on the same day as me. I was asking my friend Beth how she was doing, cause I haven't worked with her since, and she told me how she accidentally said something without thinking and she's been beating herself up ever since cause she feels like she reminded our coworker of the baby she lost.

I said, "Oh honey, you didn't 'remind' her. It happened less than two weeks ago. Trust me when I say that it's the only thing she's thinking about lately. You didn't remind her and you didn't make it worse." But she just couldn't get that idea out of her head and she's just beating herself up over it.

ivyelle4 · January 2016

ssnova - Geez. No. 4 weeks is not the same as 40 weeks!

I'm so sorry for your loss. Personally, I wanted to be left alone after my MC (9wks). I guess just let a couple of close people know you're upset that you're not being reached out to, and they should spread the word.

RiverSong15 · January 2016

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the heartbreak you must be going through after making it to full term. I think that most people have no idea what to say after a tragedy like this, and they are probably afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting you. It might be worth reaching out again and telling them that you WANT to talk about your daughter, that you want to validate her life, and that you honestly just need people to listen and be there. Your true friends will step up to the plate after that.

Again, I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter. I hope you find healing in however you choose to honor her life.

ceu · January 2016

I just wanted to take a moment to say I'm really sorry about your loss. 40 weeks is such a long time to bond with a little one, only to have your hopes and dreams shattered. I know a little about how you feel. I lost two pregnancies last year, and didn't get a phone call from my best friends after the first or the second one happened. I wasn't 40 weeks, but my heart did hurt so badly, and I still can't understand why they don't call. My "best friend" just tried calling me the other day, but it's probably to find out if I got the cookies she sends every year at xmas, not to check in to see if I'm doing okay while I'm coping with this loss while taking care of my mom who has advanced cancer.
If you ever want to talk... message me! It's so hard muddling through these feelings. I'm sending you love.

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