How to deal when a friend gets pregnant after your loss — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

How to deal when a friend gets pregnant after your loss

Hello everyone.

I feel like crap right now. I just found out a friend of mine is pregnant. I had my second loss in June. I waited 3 months to try again, just like my dr said. So my husband and I started again in September and I did not get pregnant that cycle. I cried and cried when I got my period. So now I just get this news and I feel so horrible. I am happy for her, she is so sweet and I think she will be an amazing mother. She has also had some issues getting pregnant, so I am so happy that its finally happening for her. It's hard to describe how I feel. It's so hard to not feel maybe a little jealous. It feels wrong to feel that way, especially when it's a good friend. Any advice would be appreciated.

Re: How to deal when a friend gets pregnant after your loss

  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is perfectly normal to be a little jealous. I had a very difficult time after my miscarriage. I had to "ignore" all of my Facebook friends who had new babies or were pregnant. Every pregnant woman/baby was a painful reminder of what we had lost. I even had to ask to be seated away from babies and small children in restaurants.
    Take your time to be sad. Let yourself feel whatever you feel at any given moment. You don't owe anything to anyone emotionally right now.
  • @jacobsone2
    I am so sorry for your losses. I too have had a loss about 2 months ago. My cousin had her baby 2 days after I had my misscarrage and passed my sweet baby. It was so hard because she told her mom ( my aunt ) that she was so upset that I haven't came and saw her, so my aunt had to tell her that I had had a misscarrage. She was very emotional for me and understood completely. I had felt bad so I went and actually stayed with her one whole day and brought her breakfast and lunch and watched the baby as she slept and got to shower. It was so hard to look at her baby and not wonder what my sweet baby would look like and also I had thought why could she have one but not me? I felt bad thinking that but couldn't help myself. I think it is 100% completely normal and okay to feel a little jealous and hurt when you see friends that are pregnant. Because that's all you want to be again I'm sure, and you know what, you will be. You are not alone in feeling that way, I even when I go to eat don't like to sit around babies or even walk by baby isles because me and my partner used to go and look at clothes and everything. It is hard but just know it is completely okay for you to have those feelings. Take ALL the time you need to grieve and be upset. And most importantly know that you are not alone we all feel this way. Prayers, hugs, and love to you :x
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  • I'm so sorry for your losses. We were also told to wait 3 months. I just found out today that one of my friends is pregnant and a work colleague is pregnant with twins. I'm jealous and I feel kind of like a failure because it seems like other people don't have problems getting pregnant (even though I know maybe that's not true). Hugs
  • Agree with other posters that this is so so so normal. When I found out I was pregnant my sister was about 18 weeks along with her third. We were so excited to be pregnant together. Another good friend had been through a loss in January and had also found out we were expecting together. Sadly my friend and I both miscarried...2nd for her and 1st for me. This was in late August and early September.

    Last week my friend found out she is pregnant again...yippee hoping this one sticks for her but also wishing I was there again. My nephew is due in December and I know if we are not pregnant again then it will be hard.

    Just try to remind yourself that you don't know their history. This could be their rainbow baby too or a miracle pregnancy after infertility or even IVF. We all have a story. Jealousy is normal no matter the circumstances.
  • diane2218diane2218
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    member
    edited October 2015
    I'm so sorry to hear about your losses.  I can relate to your feelings very much, and in short - yeah, we kind of feel like crap.  I love how someone else reminded us all that we don't know everyone's stories. Situations appear perfect, but everyone has a story.

    Just a short bit about me.  My husband and I had a positive pregnancy test early in October, had HcG tests go up twice, doctors said everything seemed ok (although HcG was low the first time, but it went up "perfectly") but then I started spotting and we found my levels going down.  I miscarried somewhere around 6 weeks.  This week, we should be at 8 weeks - hearing a heartbeat, possibly an ultrasound, but we're not.  Just days after I miscarried and was starting to find a more positive place, I received a text from a friend we hadn't seen in a while.  She was expecting her second child.  Her second perfect pregnancy.  I totally felt that she has a 2 for 2 record and we were 0 for 1.  I don't know this for sure, but I assumed it.  We were and are still reeling from this grief, anger, frustration, confusion, and total helplessness, and her announcement just didn't help.  Just as you said, she's a wonderful mother and we were happy for her, but we didn't understand why she gets two and we can't just have one.  If I'm being honest, I definitely felt (and still feel) jealous.  Jealous for the simplicity of her situation.  She got pregnant.  It goes well.  She moves forward with life.  It seems so easy for her.

    My only thoughts are to remind you that your feelings make complete sense. It is horrible. You feel angry and bitter, but then you feel guilty for feeling that way.  You don't know how all of these pregnant women showed up everywhere you look....and I mean EVERYWHERE - the world looks different than it did before the loss. You go from being ok to falling apart and back again.  Positive wishes for friends feel insincere despite how much you convince yourself you are happy for the friends.  You are tired of faking happiness around people who don't know what happened to you. Try to find a balance in supporting your friend but not being involved to the point that you are surrounded by "baby things" and dragging yourself down. Protect yourself as long as you need to, but also help others.  I have really found that the more I involve myself in projects and my job (teaching), I am feeling human again.  Take care of yourself, and hopefully you will have good news yourself in a few months.  I wish you the best.
    valleric
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