Help with husband!!

sfleiss · October 2015

Hi Everyone! My husband and I have just found out from our specialist that IVF would be the best treatment option for us. We have been pregnant 3 times and have had 3 mc. Our testing shows that my husband has a 1% sperm morphology, which usually prohibits fertilization, but in our case, we think prohibits embryo development. My husband doesn't want to go ahead with IVF right away, but instead wants to try naturally again. He is scared that he won't love the baby as much with IVF since "science" made the baby, and not us. I'm devastated, I do not want to go through another mc, especially knowing his morphology numbers, and knowing it will result in another mc. Can anyone give me advice on how to sway my husband to the right option? Has anyone else had a resistant husband? I explained to him that the baby is still half of him and half on me. I explained it is still a miracle to have the baby even with science. I explained to him that I go through so much more than him with a mc. None of it is working! I knew his pride is hurt and he feels less manly because of his abnormal sperm, so it is a sensitive subject, but it's only logical to avoid heartbreak and maximize our chances with IVF, right? Thank you!

vssbrm · October 2015

I am so sorry you have to be going through this. My husband has low morphology as well, usually in the 18-20% range. Unfortunatly we have never been pregnant. Have you done IUI or other fertility treatments?

I guess my feelings/thoughts/advice, are that even though it is not the traditional way to have a child you are both still in it together. I have not done IVF, hopefully we wont need to... so I am not sure how it works; but i feel like if it is similar to IUI where your husband can be in the room with you for everything, though it is not the same, you are it it together and experience every step together.

Have you had a consult regarding IVF? for my husband and I, we are always much more comfortable with the next steps after we learn as much as we can about what they are. Maybe after he understands all of the steps and how much you actually will be doing together and how much you will need his support he will get more comfortable with the process.

I feel like not matter how you conceive your child tofether, as soon as your DH sees them, he will be smitten.

I wish you luck! Give him some time, it was very hard for me to come to the idea of fertility treatments, there is a lot to digest and wrap your head around when you have missgivings about it.

ecb3588 · October 2015

I don't know exactly how to sway your husband other than just try and validate his feelings, but also explain that families are created in all sorts of ways. There is the "natural" way, but there are also step children, science assisted babies, adoption, etc. They even make little onesies that say "made with love and science" on them. And @vssbrm is right, if you go the route of IVF, your husband can be in the room, watching on a screen as that little embryo is transferred. How many couples are lucky enough to visualize that? Plus, going through all the extra blood sweat and tears should just show how much you both want this baby and how much you already love him/her. Maybe he just needs a little time to adjust to the idea. Good luck to you both!

HBamama2B · October 2015

@sfleiss sorry for your struggle. This is my personal opinion/experience, if it doesn't work for you don't hesitate to discard.

My DH was Dx with 2% morph. We knew j had infertility all along, but he is near perfect in every way but this and it threw him. It takes time to come to grips with a fertility Dx for anyone, male or female. Seeing a special fertility therapist could help, but only if he was open to the idea. I love science and for me the miracle of being able to have my husbands biological child despite his diagnosis was awe inspiring each step. However, for our RE, he was not allowed in the room during egg retrieval and embryo transfer so be aware that not everyone does that.

Before you do IVF, he will need to be not just on board, but excited and understanding of the challenges it brings. He will need to care for you and help around the house, he will need to be a partner in tracking, taking and injecting medications. My suggestion is to tell him you aren't ready to try again naturally and understand that he isn't ready to try IVF. Take a couple cycles to forget about it, enjoy each other, and then dive back into the conversation with a refreshed outlook. (To help with this decision, know that a lot of RE offices aren't starting cycles right now as they would coincide with Christmas when they like to close the office so you may actually not be set back much time at all!)

For this process, you can only go as fast as the slowest level of comfort. While it's very hard to make a decision to take a break, ultimately it will let him know you love him as well as his baby. Taking time to focus on him and helping him come to grips with the Dx is incredibly important. I remind DH whenever he does something caring or funny what a great dad he will be. Occasionally I talk about how desperately I want our children to have his big goofy ears. Whatever I feel in the moment.

I really h&p that you have no more losses. That struggle is so very hard. Even if DH isn't open to seeing a fertility therapist, you going by yourself could help you articulate your feelings and manage the situation. GL and lots of prayers that your family grows soon.

suchaglencoco · October 2015

I love how @HBamama2B worded it all!

I think your husband may just need some time for everything to filter through his mind. I'm sure he does feel like less of a man, even though that is not the case, and is feeling self conscience about it all. It may be good to see a therapist together but only if he is on board for that. He has to be on board for all of it, because you will definitely need his support and shoulder to cry on when it gets to be almost too much to handle.

I also agree that you guys should take some time off from "trying" and use that time to reconnect as a couple. Infertility can be a struggle and is definitely a strain on a marriage. Changing the focus back to every day things can help rebuild your bond. I know it's hard to put it all on a back burner but sometimes, it's for the best of your relationship.

As for the "science made" comment, I can actually relate to that! When we first saw our RE and began the process of tests before iuis, I had the same type of thoughts. I didn't know how I would handle that type of conception. What also weighed heavily on my mind was how family and friends would react to finding out how we conceived. My husband and I discussed it at length and something clicked in my head that I would do anything to make us parents- either through science or adoption. And if we were to find out someone in our lives disapproved of how we made our family, then it was one less person we'd have to send a Christmas card to.
Our journey was terrible and long but it led us to being 8 weeks away from meeting our two tiny miracles, science made or not. We love them so much already, as do our family and friends. So it can happen!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's important to not blame yourself or resent your husband for being open and honest with you. This unfortunate journey you're both on is a long, tough battle and I hope you continue to come on TB for support, these women are amazing.

2legbaby · October 2015

@sfleiss I am so sorry to hear of your multiple losses and also struggling with your husbands concerns with IVF. I was unsure where my husband stood on issues like IVF prior to our first RE appointment and was nervous when we had our pre-RE discussion about "how far" we would go to have a family of our own. I agree with @suchaglencoco that seeing a therapist (ideally one who deals with infertility- our clinic required a joint session prior to starting IVF) might be a good place to start.

I recently had my first IVF. We did chromosomal screening due to my age and had ICSI performed due to my husbands low #s and morphology. Unfortunately we did not have any chromosomal normal embryos to transfer and as devastating as it was, I can't imagine the increased sense of loss if we had transferred one unknowing, gotten that BFP and then miscarried. You are so strong with what you have been through already, if a chromosomal abnormality or genetic abnormality is at the root of your losses, they have the science to help with this diagnosis.Keep the lines of communication with your hubby open and give him time...this is a big undertaking and you will need each other's support to move forward.

I wish you all the best in your journey!

pianofanatic · October 2015

*pg/baby mentioned*

My son was conceived through IVF and after we did IVF and especially after he was born I don't think either of us had even an iota of a thought that it wasn't just as good as having a baby "naturally". We just kind of forgot all about the process because we were so much in awe of the beautiful baby that we had. It really doesn't make a difference AT ALL. I know you know that. One thing I did while I was doing IVF was I watched videos of people on YouTube rejoicing over their positive pregnancy tests and then I watched people rejoicing over newborn babies or births that started through IVF. I imagined myself in their shoes. I don't know if that would help you two, maybe if you watched some Youtubes together just to make it seem more real and see that others have been there too.

We are going through IVF again in hopes for a second. It is our only option. My DH has extremely low sperm count and I have severe endo. We are just thankful that our broken bodies have an option! I hope your DH can get on board with it. Oh-- also if you're into YouTubes you could also watch peoples ultrasounds and such. It just brings it alive for men I think. My DH cried on the way home from our ultrasound.

Sorry to barge in... I haven't intro'd in this forum but wanted to help if I could.

wifeinraleigh28 · October 2015

I love what everyone has said so far. Dealing with infertility is difficult for anyone and it completely changes the plan you had for yourselves all along. The more I learn bout this whole thing, the more I have learned to love any kind of process that allows me to have a baby. Science truly is a miracle and we are so fortunate to live in a time when we actually have more options for conceiving!

It wasn't easy for us to come to terms with it though, and honestly what helped the most was talking to people we knew who had gone through similar experiences. We are very fortunate to know not one but three couples personally who all have children from doing IVF. And I have since learned of so many more of my friends who have worked with REs and who had difficulty conceiving. Learning how common and "normal" this whole thing is is what I think really helped us embrace it.

I do think that giving it time and being understanding with your husband, knowing that this is a difficult thing to handle and come to terms with, is the only way. It will allow him to come around to it when he is ready. The more we push people past their comfort zone, the more resistance we encounter. I do believe he will get there eventually!

jnissa · October 2015

It's important to keep in mind that your husband needs to go on his own journey to understand that love makes babies. Not science. And I want to second the IF counselor. But I do suspect that your husband's comment runs deeper than the surface, and the best thing that you can do is to stay mindful of that.

A counselor at my IF clinic once told me, in casual conversation, that the number one reason couples abandon infertility treatments other than money is when the IF is related to sperm. That men have an extremely difficult time coming to terms with their own IF - much more so than women. It's surprising (or was to me) since this seems like such a "woman's issue." But his statement definitely implies a state of hurt and denial deeper than just "I wouldn't love a science baby."

I don't think that you should try logic with him, but there are a lot of things done with pregnancies these days that aren't "natural" and are "science." I enjoyed my epidural very much, but that's a minor example. In-utero surgery is probably the best example. Would he love a baby less if it would have been "natural" for it to terminate in utero but "science" saved it? That said, don't go down the logic route while he's clearly still emotional. And that is a fair place for him to be -since this is an emotional topic. But when he's in a calmer mind (likely after some counseling) it's a good example to get him thinking about what actually defines "science" or "nature.

junicek · October 2015

My DH is quite against IUI. He thinks if it's meant to be, it will happen naturally. I tried to logic with him too, saying the end result of each time is a baby, so what's the difference?! Waiting to get an answer this weekend if I get my period as to whether or not we are going with IUI in November. Good luck to you.

StrangeIncidents · October 2015

pianofanatic said:

*pg/baby mentioned*

My son was conceived through IVF and after we did IVF and especially after he was born I don't think either of us had even an iota of a thought that it wasn't just as good as having a baby "naturally". We just kind of forgot all about the process because we were so much in awe of the beautiful baby that we had. It really doesn't make a difference AT ALL. I know you know that. One thing I did while I was doing IVF was I watched videos of people on YouTube rejoicing over their positive pregnancy tests and then I watched people rejoicing over newborn babies or births that started through IVF. I imagined myself in their shoes. I don't know if that would help you two, maybe if you watched some Youtubes together just to make it seem more real and see that others have been there too.

We are going through IVF again in hopes for a second. It is our only option. My DH has extremely low sperm count and I have severe endo. We are just thankful that our broken bodies have an option! I hope your DH can get on board with it. Oh-- also if you're into YouTubes you could also watch peoples ultrasounds and such. It just brings it alive for men I think. My DH cried on the way home from our ultrasound.

Sorry to barge in... I haven't intro'd in this forum but wanted to help if I could.

Just wanted to chime in and say your dog is absolutely gorgeous. I am a huge dog lover and have Poodle Mixes.

KLake42 · October 2015

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My clinic actually requires IVF patients to attend on counseling session with a therapist who knows about IVF. If your clinic recommends this, maybe they can suggest someone for you and your husband? A therapist can provide help in facilitating a conversation, so you can both gain a deeper understanding of the other's position.

With the miscarriages you have experienced (and I'm so sorry for your loss), he's got to know that you've experienced pain. Maybe if he can find some space to be open and vulnerable about his own fears about his IF, he can also connect with you and your pain, and that will help open his eyes.

smitty18 · October 2015

Hi. That has been my life since we first started this journey. My husband who is not at all religious, suddenly said, "This is god's way of intervening... if it were meant to be, it would happen on it's own." He had the same thoughts about it not being natural, and made rude comments about "what would we tell our kid? you were born in a test tube??" For someone with a science background, i though his rationale made no sense, and I found myself getting so angry and resentful of him.

My really good friend is a psychologist and she told me that everyone has their own opinions, and some may take longer to get to the same place as others. It put it in perspective for me, because initially when we started this journey, my husband was against me even trying Clomid, and I realized we'd come quite a long way. Each step required negotiation, but he got there. There are also some men who even refuse to get a spermanalysis at all, so i guess we can be fortunate that we have partners willing to investigate, even if it's not the ultimate what we want.

After our last IUI didn't work, and the Dr. said IVF was the only choice, he said a firm NO to that. This was way back in the winter. I tried pointing out all the IVF babies born to friends at work and in our neighborhood, and it didn't help. I decided to give it more time. In some pretty difficult conversations, he also admitted he did not like our doctor. I thought, that's something I can do something about! He said he liked the reproductive urologist, so I gained his commitment he'd be willing to go back to that doc for a second opinion. He didn't want to.

I cried a lot, I argued, I begged, and finally, this summer, he agreed to go for the second opinion. This guy was much more on my DH wavelength, and gave some GREAT points to think about, but also said we could go to 30,000 doctors and they would all tell us IVF was the only option. Because my DH liked this doc, I made sure to ask him who HE recommended. He gave us a new clinic name, but my husband still wasnt' ready.

I let him sit with this for a couple of months. Then scheduled a 3rd opinion appt. with the new doc. At this point, my husband heard for the 3rd time this was the only option, and FINALLY said yes.

I am a believer in counseling, but I don't always believe it will be a quick decision maker for situations like this. I'd try to get him to a new doctor for a second opinion.... it worked for me, but i totally understand how you feel.

Caroline351 · October 2015

We aren't to the IVF point yet, but it's weighed heavily on me. I'm Catholic and technically IVF is frowned upon in the Church. It's not natural so it's not God's will. With that said, IUI techinically isn't cool either because the sperm is the product of sin...

With that said, I decided that while the Church may shun me and people may judge, I don't care. I'm doing this. We actually had a conversation last night about doing IUI this cycle. I think it was the first time DH and I actually had a DEEP convo about what we wanted. He's hesitant to move forward because of the costs and he "could go either way" as far as wanting children. This is not to say he doesn't want to, but would be fine letting it all play out on it's own.

We decided to take it a day at a time and remain open with communication. We want to know what all the options are and be educated.

I know there are a lot of support groups/counseling that you could look into. Perhaps DH would feel better meeting other couples who are going through the same things? I know that knowing there are others just like me makes me feel better. You have this board to offer insight, what do the guys have? Maybe some anecdotes from other couples will show him that science babies are just as awesome as natural baby, if not cooler, because SCIENCE!

Best of luck

sfleiss · November 2015

Thank you all so, so much for your support and words of wisdom! I have read too many articles on how the whole IVF process has broken couples up, and had also experienced the strain on my marriage with the recurrent miscarriages. This whole process can be incredible lonely and isolating, even with a supportive partner! Thank god we live in the age of technology with the ability to connect with each other!!! My husband and I decided that we needed time to reconnect and to truly be with each other. I am a teacher and have a short break, due to a teachers convention, and we decided to get away to do so. Regardless if it fell within our IVF cycle or not, due to your advice, we were going to reconnect. Through your advice, I learned that a strongest marriage is the most important. I would hate, HATE, to go through all of this, to have a baby but also a divorce. My love for my husband is too strong to sacrifice; I know in my heart I will be pregnant, maybe not this time, but next as long as he is by my side, I can wait for my miracle. My clinic is closed the last two weeks of December, and since my cycles are very unpredictable, we might try mid-November and squeeze it in, or have to wait until mid-January to start. My DH did receive the result of his second analysis, which was just as low, and made up his mind on his own that trying naturally was unwise, TG!! Thank you all again for you support, well-wishes, and love. Sometimes I cannot tell when I am being rational, or plain,old baby-crazed!

HBamama2B · November 2015

That's fantastic news. I'm so glad you've found a space and path that works for both of you. H&P that you and your DH have a joyful outcome soon and lots of lovely time together until then.

Help with husband!!

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