Baby shower etiquette for STM

laurenmdrn16 · October 2015

Ok, this is a super crazy scenario, but I just wanted your advice on what to do:

So when I was pregnant with my son, my MIL wanted to throw me a baby shower. Super sweet, right? Yeah, except she refused to invite my mom, my sisters, my god mother, my friends, my youth pastor etc. Basically, it was just for the women in MH's family. I was a little miffed, but my mom just said we would have another baby shower at my church and all the church ladies were super excited to plan it. Well...when I was put on bed rest, my mom barely left my side and everyone at church started a meal train and were just so supportive and wonderful. They asked if I wanted to have the baby shower earlier, but I insisted we wait until after my son was born because I didn't even know if we would both make it. My MIL? Nope, she went right on ahead with her super extravagant baby shower and I hear it was a lovely event, "the event of the year"...I wasn't able to even go. I was actually in the hospital, very sick, with my mom and sisters and god mother right by my side, comforting me and praying with me. It was never about the gifts or the expensive cake. I just wanted people around for support and comfort. After my son was born, I was still pretty sick, so my family and church-friends took turns coming over and making meals, cleaning, caring for the baby so I could take a shower. And every time someone came, they would quietly leave a gift. And I am talking new car seats, strollers, bouncers, even stuff for me like a nice new bathrobe. While I greatly appreciate all the gifts from both my MIL's shower and the sneaky gift giving from my family and friends, it meant so much to have the help and the prayers.

So that brings us to now. My best friend (also from my church) insists on throwing us a baby shower for our 2nd child. I immediately shot her down since this is my 2nd kid and we have more than enough stuff. I would hate for everyone to feel obligated to buy things when we already got so much for my son. Her response was that we never got to really celebrate me being pregnant and get together as a group to do all the silly baby shower games and stuff. And to be honest, I have never been to a baby shower in my honor and it does sound kind of nice. We are going out to dinner tonight and I know she is going to bring it up again (along with a tupperware bucket filled with "hand-me-down" clothes for my son that somehow all still have the tags on...). How do I politely tell her not to bother throwing me a baby shower? Or do you think I should just go with it and get the baby shower experience I missed out on?

kbrands7 · October 2015

Could you maybe let her throw the baby shower and have a fun little get together, but stress no gifts since you have stuff? Or maybe suggest a pot-luck if you think people will bring something anyway-- that way they can bring food that everyone can enjoy together? Last idea I have is also geared towards if you go ahead with a shower without gifts: you could suggest that people make a donation to the church (since they are such a helpful community/a big part of your life) rather than bring a gift if they really want to do something gift-y.

It's certainly a unique situation (and seriously, with the first one, WTH MIL?) . If you want to have a get together so that you get to celebrate with your friends and family, do it. If you don't really miss it, then politely ask your friend to not bother.

lilyandtheoandlulu · October 2015

Let her throw you a shower! I like PP's idea about donations. You could also just have a diapers and wipes shower or a gift card shower. That way you can get just the things you will need for baby (diapers, wipes, bathing stuff, etc.)

itsStackie · October 2015

I vote shower as well, and I like the ideas @kbrands7 gave. You will enjoy it, and at least enjoy seeing friends and having cake.

mhc13 · October 2015

I'm not usually a fan of second showers but your case does sound like an exception. I think a little diapers and wipes party would be a nice way to celebrate but not entail all of the registering and gift giving that your family and friends were so kind to shower you with the 1st time around.

And that's crazy of your MIL!

countrygrl5533 · October 2015

Second showers are now the norm not in poor taste like it used to be considered. Just go for it!

For me, if a friend offers to throw me a shower, I would like a "diaper and wipes/bring a meal for the freezer" shower. That would be awesome!

I actually do have a registry but it is more for family who will want to know what I need and for myself to keep track of like a shopping list (need a new car seat, want a better baby carrier like an Ergo, etc.).

camillaandcarson · October 2015

What in the world about your MIL!? That is seriously crazy. Is that her norm?

dsmith211 · October 2015

I personally know someone having a second shower and I'm pretty sure they're hosting it themselves. They had plenty of excuses though... Like: this baby is a girl and I don't have any girl thing or it's really just a get together for their friends. Yet the registry info was definitely emphasized. No I'm not going...

In their case I find it gift grabby. In yours however I don't really see any issue as you never even got to go to your own shower. I agree with all the other PP's and have the shower if someone offers to host, but do the donations or diapers/wipes route.

camillaandcarson · October 2015

One second shower I went to had a wipes/diapers theme or donating to their newborn pictures fund straight to the photographer.

cortney626 · October 2015

In your situation with someone offering to throw you a shower, I see nothing wrong with doing a "sprinkle" shower. Or a diapers and wipes one. You deserve a celebration after missing out last time. A celebration doesn't have to be about gifts. Let your friend throw it and enjoy!!

doozer1345 · October 2015

Just my two cents is to just let her throw you one. I know you have a lot of stuff already so maybe ask her to at least make it just a diaper shower?? She's wanting to celebrate you and your baby and give you something you kinda missed out on the first time around. But more importantly she is wanting to show you she and others love you, your family, and your new baby.

doozer1345 · October 2015

laurenmdrn16 said:

Thanks all for your awesome responses. And, yes, this whole thing was definitely par for the course with my MIL. You should've seen the craziness around my son's baptism! Follow-up: should I suggest we invite my ILs to this shower? It would be the nice thing to do, but I am getting a little bitchy as of late and am disinclined to extend that olive branch!

I'd mention it but decline if she wanted to throw one for you again. Actually, since you're feeling bitchy why not say: since you enjoyed having a shower for the first baby why don't you and your friends go ahead and have another one... I won't be RSVPing. Thanks.

rlworzalla · October 2015

laurenmdrn16 said:

I love the donations idea! And I am glad that you think my MIL was being weird too, @kbrands7 . I thought I was just being an ungrateful daughter-in-law, but it really wigged me out that they went ahead with the baby shower while I was in the hospital.

In no way were you being ungrateful. She could have canceled the shower but it sounds like she was throwing it as more of a party for her than for you. If these women want to throw you a shower, let them. Everyone who will likely be invited seems that they will understand why you are having a 'second' shower. Relish in the fact that these women are true friends and care about you. If they choose to give you gifts, let them, but make it known you'd rather they not.

blaisdew · October 2015

Let her throw you a shower! It will be fun and it definitely sounds like you deserve it! Stress that it's potluck, and meals for the freezer only. People like having an opportunity to give something, I think. And homemade meals are such a lovely gift! I say just go for it! Have fun!!

vinerie · October 2015

I do think this is an unusual scenario. I say accept the gesture of the shower. Clearly you have a lot of people around you who love you and WANT to do this for you.

katykatykaty · October 2015

I'm in the minority, but I would probably suggest a get together with the group of friends instead of an actual shower. Maybe you could all go get pedicures or go out to brunch or something like that but without it being an actual shower since showers require gifts.

cgg0707 · October 2015

It sounds like your church family is super generous! I agree on letting your fried throw your a shower. I think that they will all get you a little something regardless if you have a shower or not, so why not enjoy the get together and the shower games! Like PP stated you don't have to mentioned anything about gifts and if people ask your friend she can mention that diapers, wipes, bibs, etc would be appreciated!

lalala2004 · October 2015

laurenmdrn16 said:
I love the donations idea! And I am glad that you think my MIL was being weird too, @kbrands7 . I thought I was just being an ungrateful daughter-in-law, but it really wigged me out that they went ahead with the baby shower while I was in the hospital.

I was invited to a baby shower for a mom who ended up giving birth prematurely. They of course cancelled the shower and rescheduled it into a sip 'n see. You MIL is a piece of work!

laurenmdrn16 · October 2015

I love the donations idea! And I am glad that you think my MIL was being weird too, @kbrands7 . I thought I was just being an ungrateful daughter-in-law, but it really wigged me out that they went ahead with the baby shower while I was in the hospital.

laurenmdrn16 · October 2015

Thanks all for your awesome responses. And, yes, this whole thing was definitely par for the course with my MIL. You should've seen the craziness around my son's baptism!

Follow-up: should I suggest we invite my ILs to this shower? It would be the nice thing to do, but I am getting a little bitchy as of late and am disinclined to extend that olive branch!

Want a personalized experience?

Baby shower etiquette for STM

Best Answers

Re: Baby shower etiquette for STM

Choose Another Board

Search Boards