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June 2015 Moms
virginiaunicorn11
member
Household duties
virginiaunicorn11
member
How do you guys divide up household and childcare duties?
-Meals
-Childcare
-Cleaning and/or other chores
-Alone time
-Couple time
-Family time
-Etc.
Is your system working for you?
What are most of your fights about?
Any solutions that have stopped fights?
-Meals
-Childcare
-Cleaning and/or other chores
-Alone time
-Couple time
-Family time
-Etc.
Is your system working for you?
What are most of your fights about?
Any solutions that have stopped fights?
Re: Household duties
Baby meals--I prepare and wash all bottles, we each feed one twin at the feedings we are both home for.
Cleaning--we split the dishes, but he does most of ours since I'm forever washing bottles. He does all the laundry, but he only puts his own away. He'll fold mine, but leave it on the bed. Sometimes i put it away right away, other times I move it to the basket in the closet for a week or 2.
I do most all the clutter cleaning, though our house is not clutter free, by any means. We have a cleaning lady once a month, I spot clean in between.
I do all grocery shopping, he does all yard work.
Alone time--just when I go to work, but I like my work and have some free time built into my day. He has a little time after work before he picks up the babies from daycare.
Daycare--I drop off, he picks up.
Childcare--our styles are vastly different, but I'd say when we're both home we're pretty equal on caring for the babes.
Couple time--pretty lacking, but we've had a few good date nights.
Family time--as a family of 4, we do a good job hanging out at home and dragging the twins out on adventures. With extended family, my parents come over way more often than his, but his do come usually once a week.
I'm always the one who packs up 90% of our crap when we go places.
I'd say, if you ask ME, I do more stuff. If you ask HIM, he does more. It's actually probably pretty equal.
I guess it works for us. We're all still alive.
Childcare-he changes her diaper, and will give her, her nighttime bottle.
Cleaning-he will sweep the kitchen and do dishes, but I wish he would put them in the dishwasher, so I feel like I can run the dishwasher for something other than bottles.
Alone time-Nope, unless she is asleep and I can take a bath(almost never happens)
Couple time-Well, we are waiting on that. We
have our time, but it seems to be when it works for him, not me.
Family time-we have recently started going out as a family and I love it. DH is realizing I need to get with all three of us(I take this little girl everywhere, just me and her), but it makes me so happy when we can all go, even if it's grocery shopping!
Fights are about sleep DH will fall asleep at 8 and sleep through till 4 or 5, no matter what.
It is what it is, not everything is perfect, but our baby is perfect to us!
ETA because I need to go to sleep!
Our fights are solely the result of us having completely different styles. He's a mathematician, VERY type A. I'm a bit more laid back.
An example: if the doctor says, "start carrots on Tuesday," and I want to start carrots on Monday, he flips out. And we fight about it.
I tackle about 75-80% of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. It's basically whoever can get to the tasks does it. DH takes LO for the first few hours of the day so I can catch up on zzzz's and shower (LO is still EBF every 2 hrs day & night).
Our couples time is after LO goes to bed when we're both home about 4-5 nights a week. We have only left LO with my sister once to grab a coffee together, so no real dates.
Family time, aside from my sister there is no other family in the city. Boo!
And alone time? I guess that's when I'm in the shower? Lol
When we bump heads it's over the typical stuff, like how it's his fault we're behind schedule or my fault for putting the dishes in the wrong spot, etc. We don't argue much, we're both still in survival mode, so keeping expectations of each other and ourselves as realistic as possible helps. Also, I suppose lots of patience, prayer and humour.
-Meals - breakfast - equal deal with it on our own, he makes it, or we go out to eat. Dinner he usually makes. Lunch is just a snackfest, there is usually no real prep involved there
-Childcare - he gives the baths. That's the only thing he does I don't do. When he is home, as long as he doesn't have to go to work the next morning, he feeds LO his meal before bed and puts him down, so that I can lay down and relax, thus hopefully falling asleep sooner. 50% of feedings when he is home he will give the bottle (b/c obviously he can't bf) and I will wash it after (we wash as we go). He changes more diapers when he is home and with us (as in, not outside tending to yardwork, etc)
-Cleaning and/or other chores - random picking up I try to do whenever. He has gotten better about some things, too. We kinda decide right then who is going to do what cleaning wise, he just recently vacuumed most of the house even tho I would've done it if he had watched LO. We both are getting better at taking a few minutes to empty the dishwasher and make sure we don't have dishes everywhere. Laundry he usually does, I have very little clothes to wash so he just throws my few items in with his stuff he brings home from work. LO laundry is a toss up, sometimes I can do it, sometimes he does it
-Alone time - "I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time". Since he is gone 2-3 days at a time, then home 1 1/2 - 2 1/2 days, I'm obviously alone with LO a lot. My only alone ALONE time is when DH is home and I go to the grocery store. And that one time I went to YMCA and went swimming. He is at work with a bunch of other people, and they all sleep there, but he does have the luxury of not having to worry about a baby overnight
-Couple time - as in time without baby? Hasn't been any. We have no one to watch him. Thanks, active duty military life
-Family time - as in fun time for the 3 of us? Bowling every other Friday. We usually find something to do to get us out of the house (even if going out to eat, that counts) each week. We're going to some fall festival (called by people 'round these parts as the whatever town name 'Fall Down Festival') this weekend. We did a corn maze a week or two back. We like to go for drives, visit a nearby taproom as an excuse to burn some miles
Even when he is off work I still feel like I take the bulk of the childcare situation, as there is usually yard work that needs to be done. And then he is enrolled in classes online now, so I have to let him be able to do that. So it feels like I rarely get a break, but then, neither does he, really. Even tho they can be at the station and waiting for a call and watching TV in the evening or whatever, its not the same as being at home, you can't quite relax the same. And he can sleep without worrying about baby, sure, but its not his own bed (actually, the beds are apparently very uncomfortable, says everybody I've met from his work), and they could get a call anytime. Or, he could have to stay up on com watch (listening to the radio for calls). Or they could be directed to patrol at night, just because.
So, we're both deserving of some relaxation time, and we both don't really get any. We try our best to let the other get some quiet time a little bit (he sleeps in usually, while I'll usually go to bed early or duck out for a nap), but generally we're both all the time just trying to tough it out.
I feed baby, I wash/sterilize bottles, I give baby her baths, and I almost all of the time put baby to bed.
I clean the kitchen and kids rooms, hubby cleans the bathrooms and vacuums. This is an area he is good at, because I am not the cleanest person and he is a clean freak!!
Alone time. Hmm only when baby naps on the weekends if I'm not messing with my other kid or have my husband on my ass about something lol.
Couple time. We just went to the beach last weekend. We try and take a date night once a month; so far.
We probably both see our parents at least once a week.
& we fight at least once a day. About something dumb that doesn't even need to be fought about. I guess we are still adjusting...
90% of the feedings are on me because we're breastfeeding; however, if I do have a pumped bottle and ask DH to do it, he's all for it as long as it's not the MOTN feed (our agreement is he sleeps because he works, but when she wakes in the A.M. he gets her, changes her and brings her to me for her morning feed.
Cleaning is 50/50. I tend to tidy more (make the bed, do dishes, that sort of thing) while DH likes to do overhaul cleans - it works out! Laundry is on me though.
Alone time - I go to the gym 3x a week for some me time and to help me feel better about my body image while DH watches LO. DH plays in a volleyball league and has a guys night a week as well.
Couple time - before we got married, he and I assigned one day a week for each other - no work, no friends, no school, just us. Whether it's a date night, grocery shopping or just binge watching netflicks together, we do this without fail. Only now LO sometimes
crashes
Family time - we try to take LO out on fun adventures. We like drives and people watching. Because we live in a different province than our families, we also often have house guests.
Fights tend to be about money, other than that we seem to be very understanding and patient with each other. We had some epic blow outs leading up to LO's birth, so I think those taught us how to be patient with each other and let things go.
-Meals: I cook and he washes dishes (sometimes)which leads into arguments because if Im the one that cooks he should be doing the dishes.
-Childcare: I watch baby 95% of the day. As soon as DH gets home I get a 1-2 hour "break" (on my "break" I catch up on house chores like making the bed, laundry, etc. sometimes I exercise).
-Cleaning and/or other chores: DH does all yard work and I take care of the inside of house. I used to be a clean freak but I'm much more laid back now.
-Alone time: real alone time is when I shower! I feel you girl @murlindzz
-
Couple time: we go out to eat alone once a week. My momma watches baby! Yey for grandmas!
-Family time: we take baby out on Sunday's for breakfast or lunch. Then we hit the home depot or lowes since we just bought a house which needs tons of remodeling.
BFP #1 12/23/13 MMC 01/24/14 @ 9w5days
Childcare-I'm not working so most of this falls on me. DH typically gets home around 6 or 6:30. We give the bath together. Then DH will take him & play while I eat. Then I put him to bed while DH eats. If the baby seems happy/not exhausted we put him on his mat near the table and eat together. DH works hard to give me free time on the weekends and will take Colin a lot then.
Cleaning & other chores-I usually clean the kitchen. DH vacuums. We do have a lady that comes every other week, so she deep cleans the bathrooms, dusts, and things like that. I totally realize that makes me sound like s total brat, but I had to be honest. We just keep things clean in between.
Alone Time-This usually happens on the weekends for me. Once my foot is totally healed I plan to get back into yoga & jogging, so I'll either go early morning or at night and that will be my "me" time.
Couple Time-We do dinner & a movie about every other week.
Family time-We go to dinner & the grocery store. Looking forward to doing more when I can take this stupid boot off (a week & a half left). I have a feeling then we'll go for lots of walks.
Fights-We fight over the dumbest stuff out of pure exhaustion. We never used to fight. It's mostly over me venting and him getting frustrated because he tries to "fix" it, in turn making me frustrated.
DH deals with cooking and meals. I am the one working, and I manage our finances, taxes, and basically anything administrative. DH watches LO while I work, currently 4 hrs/day becoming 8 hrs/day in a couple weeks - but I work from home, so I'm BFing and doing a little more with LO (an occasional diaper, etc).
Nights (7:00 pm - 8:00 am) with LO are 100% me, though DH is good about offering to help and will occasionally take a soothing shift if it's a particularly bad night.
DH deals with trash. I clean and do my and LO's laundry and some of DH's. We share pet duties, and all childcare duties in the afternoons.
We are basically together all day, every day, so are on each other's nerves. And thus bickering, though neither of us want to be. Currently working on finding some independence as we settle into this "new" town and routine!
-Meals: meals are usually prepared by me. If I don't have time to make something then we warm up a quick microwave meal. Rarely if he is home earlier and I haven't made something DH will make something quickly for us.
-Childcare: since he is gone literally all day this is almost 100% me. When he gets home he will spend 1hr/2hrs snuggling with LO before going to bed. I do absolutely everything overnight because of his schedule too. I tried to have him help previously but it made me miserable because he would be miserable and it just didn't work for us at all. On his days off he will helps out when asked/told his help is needed.
-Cleaning and/or other chores: indoors this is also almost 100% me. If something needs to be done I usually have to ask/tell/remind him. Outdoors it's all him.
-Alone time: when I hop in the shower is about my only alone time. However I did have one night when I photographed the lunar eclipse and was alone for a few solid hours. Also when mom and dad visit or when we visit them I have been able to get out fishing for a few hours at a time while my mom watched LO.
-Couple time: couple time doesn't exist and hasn't existed for quite some time. I'm hoping this will change because I know that it is contributing to the fights.
-Family time: Sunday's are family days however we are both trying to catch up because of busy weeks so we typically don't go on outings. This has also been a source of fighting because I'll suggest soemthing and DH will rather stay home. Several times I've said it's a requirement that he spend time with us whether he's tired or not it's important and he had begrudgingly come alone. Mostly this is going shopping or for a walk.
Is your system working for you? Not really.. To an extent it does but there are lots of issues and I'm interested to see what the difference is once his seasonal work is finished.
What are most of your fights about? Most of the fights are about him staying out for beers after work and then coming home in the wee hours of the morning. It's extremely frustrating. Then when the fight occurs there are sub fights because he ends up saying things like "everything I do or say is wrong so give me a script what I can or I'm not talking." This statement coupled with the fact that he won't try working through things or using available resources frustrates me to
tears.
Any solutions that have stopped fights? I am exploring counselling because no matter what I've tried or suggested it hasn't worked and this pattern has continued for the better part of 2years. If it continues our relationship will become completely eroded... So it needs to be addressed by a neutral 3rd party I think.
Are on me. He has to take care of his own breakfast, buthe normally just doesn't eat until dinner time or takes a lunch break for me to make him a sandwich when he's hungry. LO already only has nine hour 'night time' sleeps, so I'm not waking up to make him breakfast.
-Childcare
Also, me. SAHM right now, so it's just me and LO all day, unless hub takes a lunch break. Weekends he helps a lot. After work he holds him while I cook and clean up some and tries to let me eat first, unless LO gets screamy. He does bath time and bed time routine so I can get waters and my 'nursing table' together.
-Cleaning and/or other chores
Mostly me, but DH helps some. He bought a Roomba because he didn't like me doing floors every day on top of everything else. He does laundry sometimes on weekends while LO and I nap. He normally tries to make me nap with LO once a week.
-Alone time
Never? My thirty minute shower once a week. The other showers are fove minutes with LO in the bathroom with me.
-Couple time
Every night. We try to spend an hour together once LO is asleep just watching one of oir shows and cuddling
-Family time
Almost always. We do everything together. It gets me out of the house and we can get more done. Evem if we just go grab food or groceries, it's nice to get out as a unit. We play outside a lot together with our dogs.
Fights are mostly about both of us being tired. It pisses me off whenhe comments about LOs sleeping patterns because he has no idea. He gets babe ready for bed and that the end of it most of the time. Once or twice he's hung out with him in the morning so I can sleep. We just talk it our, realize we're both tired and have no idea what we're doing and we're good.
We don't reallty fight much, though. We've always been good about that, thankfully.
Childcare- I take 90-95% responsibilities for LO since DH works and has long hours sometimes. Some nights he gets home and LO is already sleeping. It can get exhausting especially when LO refuses to nap, and when DH comes home I want him to take over but I feel bad for asking because I know he's tired from work. And then I feel resentful because that leaves me stuck doing mostly everything. I BF but every now and then DH gives him a bottle before bed.
Cleaning- I do all the cleaning. All Laundry, sometimes DH brother who is living with us helps with the dishes. His brother also takes out the trash. So he is helpful more than DH sometimes lol
Alone time- rarely. I only get 5 minute showers as well. Haven't taken a nice relaxing bath since LO was born and I keep saying I will but never do. I love to read and try to squeeze in time when LO does eventually nap. But when DH comes home from work I have to devote my attention to him. And by that time I just wanna sleep!
Couple time- rarely. Now that DH is having his busy season at work we haven't had a date night in a while. We were doing good in the summer with scheduling it. We do catch up on our TV shows about once a week.
Family time- we go to church together on Sundays and usually an outing after that.
Fights- money and sex! We are on a budget since I'm staying at home now and I manage the finances. And although I don't feel like having sex, I figure at least DH could try to initiate more often and he doesn't. I guess we are both lazy lol. I also complain sometimes about him not helping out more.
I do all of the food shopping and cooking. DH makes his own breakfast and lunch during the week.
Cleaning is divided, although I do the majority of it now that I'm home. He does 80% of laundry, we split the dishwasher, and I do 80% of the house cleaning.
I don't get much alone time these days because I'm tethered to LO.
We try to spend as much couple time as possible. Even if it's just watching tv together.
Family time I feel is a given.
I think our system is working really well. We love spending time together and are truly best friends as well as spouses. Our biggest issues in the past were properly communicating our feelings with each other, and we've learned to share before we hold it in and it escalates.
Childcare is split 60/40 since I am the only one getting up in the MOTN. Once I'm done BF, it will be 52/48 since I do all Dr appointments. Otherwise we'd be 50/50.
We split household duties. DH cleans the kitchen and does dishes. I clean floors and do laundry. DH takes the trash, I clean the litter box. We alternate on bathroom duty.
My alone time is my drive and 15 min before everyone else wakes up (unless LO is up early). We've had almost no couple time. Family time is most evenings and every weekend.
It's working ok. I'm tired and we've been fighting about money. Unfortunately I don't see an end to that until DS starts school. We also fight about food. I'm on a restricted diet and DH is always eating the last of "my" food when there is a ton of food I can't eat sitting around. He also is on my ass whenever LO is fussy because "it must have been something you ate." And he'll try to be nice and cook a meal that I can eat and afterwards, I'll realize it had dairy or gluten and he gets mad because he tried to be nice but it didn't work. First world problems, I know.
I haven't had nearly the food troubles as you, but that has been a challenge for me with bf-ing in general, especially the first couple months. It's gotten better, but I was getting so frustrated and discouraged by the fact that whenever LO got the slightest bit fussy, obviously he needs to eat (not be held a different way, entertained, etc.) or it's because of something I ate. Never has anything to do with the person watching him.
I realized from this thread that I have no room to complain about Me Time. I went and apologized to DH for complaining. You ladies are inspiring!
(Yeah, still no to the deep cleaning.)