Sharing attention with LO (long)

Re: Sharing attention with LO (long)

• NovemberSno member

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  Any advice/ words of wisdom?

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• JStill0603 member

  October 2015

  You should be so proud that your daughter came to you with this kind of information. Personally, I am the oldest of two girls and always felt my parents gave my sister more attention (I know now not love but growing up I always thought they loved her more) and it can be a very hurtful position to be in. The good news for you is, your DD came to you with her concerns before its too late. It appears you already have a great relationship with both your daughters and are a good mom raising great girls. Maybe you could try and make mommy daughter days where you take them all out individually to make them feel loved and special? Maybe once a month for each? Or once a month you have a "date" and rotate which girl gets to go? Movies, mani-pedi, "fancy" dinner or picnic lunch, if you're into sports a game of some sort? It would just reassure them that they are all important to you. My parents never did this, they always tried to keep everything equal but I think each kid deserves a little individual attention every now and then.

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• snlyon0614 member

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  I would maybe try to have a schedule, I've heard of women with lots of children devote a day to each, so the children know it's "their day" so do what you need on the other days, work, group love, family time etc, but on that day, it's you and her readig a book, or making cookies...or something like that, devoted x-daughter day.
  
  She seems like a beautiful young girl, and I think it's very important to show her this attention, so when she's older she doesn't begin to look for it elsewhere.
  
  Good luck!
  
  ETA, looks like me and the PP had very similar ideas!! Great minds!

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• gipfish member

  October 2015

  I was 6 and the youngest of 2 when my little sister was born, and I remember having similar concerns, although I know I didn't articulate them as well as your daughter. It helped when my sister was born to realize how much I could help my mom with taking care of my sister. I remember doing things like keeping the dog away from my sister when she was napping or distracting my sister during diaper changes so she wouldn't be fussy. I liked feeling like I was my mom's teammate. It was disappointing to have less lap time with my mom, but snuggle time didn't go away completely and I learned to bond with her in other ways. And now my sister is my best friend!
  
  It sounds like you're handling it well already. Try to give her some concrete examples of things you can do together to take care of baby and of things that you do with her now that you will still do with her when baby comes.

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• NovemberSno member

  October 2015

  You guys are great, really! I love these ideas and will work on implementing them. I hope she doesn't feel left out and hopefully she feels safe enough to come to me if she does. Thanks so much ladies, I appreciate your words! ♡

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• poupoule member

  October 2015

  I am really not convinced by the special day for each of them. It would have been really weird if my mother had implemented that, I personally would have hated it and felt resentment. I loved what you reply to her about the attention/love balance. Makes much more sense to me as a reply, especially if she understands how we need to help younger kids and is so mature for her age.

  
  

  I would think you need a good balance with your partner so sometimes you can give her both the attention they deserve without having the LO in your arms or in your legs non stop. But not separate them on special days. You said the two oldest are best friends, so I don't understand why you would like to separate them so young, I would wait until they have different desires to do something like that, probably when teenagers.

  
  

  The 5yo will probably take example on her bigger sister on how she handles her feelings in front of the baby, so try not to worry too much about that.

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• helsbels222 member

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  It's wonderful that she came to you with her concerns. It really reflects on the kind of mother you are and the open relationship you have with your daughters. Perhaps try to spend some one on one time with your oldest two as well. I know this will be difficult but maybe you could play games when the baby is napping or watch movies for example. Once you are ready to, maybe try to have a girl's day (or just a couple hours) out with them and leave the baby home with DH. You spending alone time with them will help them realize that even though you spend a lot of time with the baby, you still have time for them. Let's face it, since your daughter is 7 yrs older, there are things she is going to want to do that the baby can't and vice versa so the occasional mommy me time with them can't hurt. I am going to go through this as well as my DS is 6 and I don't want him to feel the baby is taking all of my attention. He's an only child now so we shall see how he adjusts. I think if we show them that it's not all only about the baby, they'll adjust easier. Of course this is just a theory and I could be completely wrong.
  
  Edit: fat fingers + small keys = post prematurely

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• elbou member

  October 2015

  My girls haven't come to me with any concerns like this, but I think I know how you feel. I'm on #4, and it's already so tough to be able to spend time individually with my big girls. (My son is easy; he gets me all to himself the whole time his sisters are in school!) I feel like I just barely have enough time to help them with their homework one-on-one, and it seems like I don't ever have enough time to do fun things with them during the week. So I am worried about balancing another little person in the mix too.

  The only suggestions I can think of are similar to what I already do. I'm guessing your oldest is already in school, so try to find a way to make homework time special...get Daddy to take care of the other 2 (if possible) while you spend some time just the 2 of you working on that, and talking about whatever comes up. If your younger girl is also in school, try to do the same for her, even if she doesn't have much homework yet. This way, they both get to spend a little time with just you every day, even if it's not doing the fun stuff.

  I agree with the posters who suggested using baby's nap time as a special time with your big kids, and leaving baby with Daddy to do fun things with them. We usually only get to do the fun stuff on weekends, but that seems to work for us. Also, playdates! Let them take turns going to a friend's house, or having a friend over while you spend time with the other one.

  
  

  

  

  

  

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• lopezalonso member

  October 2015

  I too think that it was very big of her to come and tell you how she felt. It's important to keep in mind, which I am sure you do, that even though she is the oldest she is still a kid. It's important to not give her too much responsibility so she can still be a kid. Again, I am sure that you already do this. This comes from a personal place for me... I have an awesome mom but I am the oldest and my parents were immigrants so I had A LOT of responsibilities as a kid and was a little parentified. I think it made me a little anxious and at times resentful. I love my mom and dad though and understand the circumstances they were in and that they needed my help with my little brother and their own stuff. 

  
  

  I like the idea of carving out a special time with your kids. Maybe even special time with just you and the oldest, even if it's just an hour a week to grab a snack or run an errand together. It sounds like she is a very special girl that loves you and her sisters very much. I'm sure she would love it

  
  

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• NovemberSno member

  October 2015

  That's great advice. Yeah, sometimes I do feel like she's too grown up and I know part of that comes from me. I try to keep her balanced though. I do think I like the idea of spending time separately with each one sometimes. Like you said maybe running an errand with eldest and telling the younger daddy might need her help while we're gone and vice-versa. They are both in school and both have tons of homeowner that I work on with them at the same time. It's stressful and takes forever lol so maybe adjusting that somehow will help. Thanks for all the input. I was proud of my younger one because we went shopping yesterday and usually her sister gets everything and puts it on the register with me while YO stares at candy or something lol. But she was actually participating and saying I'm a big sister too now! My older one said but I'm still the biggest sister. Lol. It was cute.

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