Need some encouragement...

Caroline351 · October 2015

This morning ended the TWW, so I got out my little stick, and BOOM! BFN

I cried. A lot. I still may be slightly emotional and am so grateful for my own office.

We've been trying for a year and a half and I think it was February when we started Clomid and am now looking at my third round on Femara.

Ladies, I feel like every time I see one line my faith drops a little bit more. The babies around me DO NOT stop. Seriously, everyone is knocked up and popping out kids. My mom keeps asking (ugh) when it's going to happen and being totally insensitive.

Thankfully, I have fairly decent insurance that is helping, but the money going out SUCKS.

I've thought about adoption, but every time I talk myself into making a call, I hear my head say, "but don't you want kids that will be as adorable as your husband?". My ridiculously irrational emotions play tricks ALL the time, because I LOVE kids and would love them even if I didn't grow them myself.

I WAS a devout Catholic until things went south with our overly judge-y priest (long story) which doesn't help my faith.

Today I feel lost. I know tomorrow and the next day will be easier but today, today I want to be on my couch and no where else.

Any ideas on how to get through this feeling? How long before I give up? We really are just getting started, but I can't imagine how I'll feel even further down the road if it doesn't happen. ESPECIALLY, as the costs are rising the more into it we get...

BIG OL' SAD FACE

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teridanielle · October 2015

Keep your head up. It's a process. It takes a toll on our emotional, physical, and financial well being. It is ok to be sad and to cry. We have all been there. The truth is you will get up tomorrow and probably feel just as bad, but you will look on to say I will try again. I won't give up. When you do it will be on your time. That is what many many people just don't understand.

Before you go to much further (if your clomid cycles don't work) sit down with an RE and discuss success rates of different options and costs.

I was dx with Stage III/IV endo at 28. Had surgery and went straight to IVF. It was a cheap route, but it was the one that gave me the best success rate.

Our paths are all different and I will FX that the next cycle is the ONE. Best of luck!

princesses1979 · October 2015

Hi hunny!!! Please don't lose the faith, I am really feeling your pain, my prayers are with you!!! If no one else understand your pain, I surely do but believe me it will happen at the right time, please continue to be strong. I tried getting pregnant for 17 years and I kept on saying next, next month and I didn't give up and I now have a 3 month old. Hope that makes you feel better.

blessedwtwins · October 2015

***bfp and losses mentioned

I am so very sorry for your struggles. A good/bad thing is that you are not alone in this.
It is a terrible emotional roller coaster. What you're feeling right now is completely normal, justified and unfortunately a big part of the process. It's ok to spend a day or two being upset. It's important to remember that it is not your fault!

We got married Sept 2012 and struggled from the start. We conceived naturally once and suffered an early loss and then could not conceive again. Long story short, we did clomid for far too long with an ob, then finally started to see a RE in spring of 2014. We did 2 unsuccessful iuis and then moved on to ivf. We did a fresh transfer in the fall and lost twins after Thanksgiving. After a couple of months off due to my body being weird, we started the frozen process which got delayed halfway through due to my uterus needing to be basically cleaned out from the recent miscarriage and polyps. We finally did our transfer on April and I am, thankfully, 29w2d along with twins.

Throughout our journey, we questioned our religion, our plans for a family, our sanity, if we had enough in us to carry on, and of course if the money would ever be worth it. These are definitely normal thoughts and feelings.

I have no advice on how to help you push these feelings aside but I can tell you what seemed to help me/us.
My husband was an amazing support system and always left it up to me if I wanted to continue putting my body and emotions through everything.
I also eventually got to a point where I wasn't ashamed to talk about it with family and friends, that helped a lot too! It helped me to realize that it wasn't my fault, I wasn't doing anything wrong and it was just the hand I was dealt. Opening up made it easier than bottling it all up inside.
I also gave myself days that I just allowed myself to grieve the losses and struggles- sometimes letting it all out helps to free you for a bit. This was especially true after our ivf loss. When our plans were on hold while my body recuperated, we kind of became a couple again. There was no infertility talk, just regular every day stuff. I think that helped both of our sanities! Just taking a break, even if it was a forced one, helped us reconnect. Then when it was time to do another transfer, we weren't as anxious or worried. We went in with the mindset of whatever will be, will be and it made the entire process easier.

I don't know if any of that will help you, but I wanted you to know there are some that get their happy endings after it all. I look back now and realize it was all so worth it and I'd do it all again. I hope you continue on your journey but maybe you just need to take a few mental months off to be you again. I also hope you connect with others on here that are struggling with the same feelings and procedures you are. It's really helpful to have this amazing support system on here of women who know, truly, what you are going through!
Good luck and I have my Fx for you!

susykat77 · October 2015

I can so relate. Sorry your struggling right now. Do whatever you need to comfort yourself right now.

BrightenMySky · October 2015

I hear you. We have been trying for about a year and a half, just got AF 2 days before my beta was scheduled in my first IUI cycle (Clomid + Ovidrel trigger). I hear you about everyone around being pregnant or having new babies.

Have you told your mom? I totally get not wanting to do so, and it really depends on the relationship. I told my parents after about a year when we started going to the RE, and I am mostly glad I did so. Although it's also disappointing sometimes when I feel they are not being as sensitive as I would like on other things, I do hope that the comments specifically about grandkids will decrease (and they have, so far).

ETA: And I cried, a lot, too.

jnissa · October 2015

Oh, man. Big hugs to you. We've all been there and will probably be there again. Like others said, do whatever you need to do to comfort yourself.

thejessicanicol · October 2015

We have chosen to not tell friends and family what we're up to (doing IVF) and are constantly asked when we'll start trying from my parents as well as his. He had cancer as a child and received radiation to his groin as part of his treatment so his parents know that his chances are slim at best yet they STILL ask all the time.

Our doctor told us that there is a chance there will be no sperm at all in a few years since he has had a pretty substantial decrease in the last three years I feel like we're so young and that it just isn't fair that this is happening to us when young women get pregnant accidentally all the time. It hurts.

In church we're going through a series called Hope For All. I felt like our pastor was speaking right to us and I cried the whole time but it really helped me. You can watch online at centrealonline.tv if you want. Don't lose your faith, it's the one thing we can hold on to during the road to baby.

jilligan14 · October 2015

I'm so sorry you got a BFN. It's so disappointing to see that white space on the test cycle after cycle. I struggle to get through that first day or two of defeat as well and the only thing that helps me is copious amounts of chocolate. I deprive myself of it for most of my cycle so that it is a real savior every time I get a BFN. Sending you lots of hugs.

Soverthis · October 2015

I am so sorry you are in the IF club. No one should ever have to be a member. I feel ya. My heart breaks every month. It's so lonely. It's hard not to lose hope. And it's hard to allow yourself to hope. IF is a complete roller coaster. You are not alone. I don't always cope well when I get my period (I dont even take tests anymore. I just wa it for my stupid period). Sometimes I shop, get icecream, have sushi and a beer....sometimes I cry in bed for hours. Once I sat in the cheesecake factory weeping while waiting for my cheesecake. Talk about a low point! Journaling helps me. So does having a home or crafting project. I have a supportive sister but she has to be getting tired of hearing me say the same thing. We are fairly private. We have had some great support and some horrible things said by people who know about our infertility. You just never know. This isn't for everyone but a good dose of a cute kid actually helps me. Cuddling and playing with a friends baby or a niece/nephew fills me with joy. It reminds me why I am going through what I am. Of course there is the flip side, that selfish tiny part that still hurts bc you want a baby for yourself but for me the joy totally out weighs that. My husband and I discuss adoption and donor sperm here and there. It's a double edge sword. I love that there are some other options if we can't get pregnant. But it saddens me to know we may never get pregnant. We try not to make any desicions now. We have no clue how we will feel once we get to that point. I think we will have to grieve the loss of a bio kid as much as we can before we can look at adoption. I never want to look at adoption as a back up but as another way to reach my goal of being a mom. Hang in there. I tell myself no matter how it happens I will be a parent. That helps. But the waiting is so awful. Living in a constant cycle of ovulation and mentration sucks. I cannot believe I have been at this for so long. It is amazing what we can endure emotionally. I let myself feel my feelings and be a crazy lady. Then I suck it up and wait to ovulate. Hugs.

Soverthis · October 2015

P.S. I went to a IF support group once and it was really helpful. (yet I never went back) They suggested reading Navigating the Land of IF. I did find the book helpful. Good luck to you.

Caroline351 · October 2015

Ladies, from the bottom of my heart,

THANK YOU!

Your words mean so much to me and I thank you for sharing. I feel like you all get me and it helps!

I have talked to my mom about this. I found that the more open I am the less likely the hurtful comments are, though she still asks! Thank God for my dad and his disproving looks.

We also have these "friends" who like to regularly as if I'm "knocked up yet". I finally reached a point where I was like, "Actually, no. We have fertility issues but thanks for making me feel bad."

They still ask. We don't hang out with them at all anymore.

I totally understand the junk food. I've gone on my lunch break to get ice cream!

I've been thinking of trying a group. I'm not sure where to start, but I figure the hospital has to have something. We don't have a single RE in my small town so who knows. But I'll definitely look into it.

Thank you again!

ErikaMG · October 2015

Don't have much in the way of advice. I won't lie - it's hurts like hell everytime I get a BFN. Every. Time. I allow myself a day to wallow in misery, drink too much wine, eat too much chocolate, and cry until there's no moisture left in my body. Then the next day I wipe myself off the floor, and shift my focus to the next cycle. I don't even TRY to force myself to feel optimistic or anything but upset on that one day. I allow myself anything - I can throw things, scream, act like a jerk... anything I want. For one day only. Beyond that I have to pick myself up, lift my chin, and start another cycle with optimism and joy. That's the rule I made for myself, and so far it's gotten me through.

katiebear85 · October 2015

@caroline351 I have to say that your story sounds very similar to mine just based off this thread. At least the timeline anyway. My husband and I have been doing Clomid, Gonal-F, Ovidrel and IUI's for 5 months after trying on our own for two years. After the last failed IUI in September my husband suggested we take a break because of the toll this process has had on my physical and emotional well being. It was at that point (after having an emotional meltdown, feeling like we were giving up, etc.) that I realized he was right. My reaction to his suggestion was totally irrational. He was truly concerned for my well being and the stress that comes from dealing with the meds, appointments, injections and anxiety of wondering if/when it will all workout. I have to say the last month of being on no medication has been so refreshing. I don't know about you or any of the other ladies that might read this, but I didn't realize how much I didn't feel like myself anymore. I've had just about a month off and I haven't felt this good in a long time. We have an appointment at the end of this month to get a second opinion before we move forward with anything else. My point in all of this is that you are not alone. We understand what you are going through and your feelings are totally valid. Please do not lose hope. Taking a break has been wonderful for me and I highly recommend it if you think it suits you. Even if its just one month, make it about you and do what makes you happy. Best of luck to you.

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