I want a 4th,,,he is done.

jasrun80 · October 2015

Morning! So I THOUGHT i was done after my third. Im 34, & I had a (I got depressed each pregnancy) rough pregnancy due to heavy depression from weeks 8-20, but other than that, just the standard complaints at the end. I "knew"it was my last & after I had her I surprisedly almost instantly wanted another. Over the next year, I fell so much more in love with parenting because something about "3" grounded me as a parent & opened my eyes to all of the fun it was, verses the stress it felt before diving into three. My kids are now 5,3, & 1, so it's not like it has gotten much easier--yet I love it SO much more than I did when I just had the two children. Now, I am sure I want my fourth & final child, and not because I want to be pregnant nor do simply WANT A BABY again feeling, but I want the biggest family i (we?) am comfortable with, actually & finically. I hope that makes sense, I mean of course I want the baby aspect, but it doenst feel strictly maternal clock like my others have felt. This feels less about instinct and way more about want/completion/feel fortunate to "get" this chance if we do get it. I don't even mind if I dont wind up pregnant but I do want to try, I am afraid I will forever feel a wonder or regret about him/her if we dont at least try for a period of time... My husband is done. He came from 4 then sadly lost his mother at 11 & says he felt like a number after that. I try to dive into the emotion of all of that with him & his eyes are opening a bit for 4, but he is a doctor and is so afraid of all the risks pregnancy & babies entails that he says he can't handle another 9 months of that worry. I actually really respect that, and he is 41, but I still am so sure we should at least try for a forth, that I am struggling so hard with this feeling. He says we wont have time for all their activities etc if we have 4. I feel afraid for that too, is the time for 4?? I dont want to come off as "right" or anything, i would love some perspective from others... If you have 4, can you share your story a bit? If you think i sound ridiculous for wanting 4, explain please?? And, how do you all deal when your husbands are "done"?

I wont trick him into it, I would have way to much guilt forever.

Thanks if answered!!!

als1982 · October 2015

Why do you think his feelings are less valid than yours? Especially when you expressly told him that you were done with the last pregnancy?

I'd suggest you stop nagging, drop the issue and start seeing a therapist. That's the only way this is going to end well. Maybe in the end he'll come to want a fourth on his own. Otherwise, you're risking the health of your marriage and the family of three children you already have.

Xstatic3333 · October 2015

I agree, I think his feelings and reasons do sound quite valid. I'm also a big believer (as you seem to be as well, so this isn't accusatory) in not moving forward with TTC unless both partners are onboard.

From his perspective, I can imagine him feeling a little blindsided if he thought you are on the same page and then suddenly the game was changed. We're still working on #1, so I'm not there on identifying with a large family, but 4 does seem like a whole lot of kids, and I can understand his perspective of wanting to enjoy the three you have and offer them the activities and lifestyle that you originally planned on. I am in the person in my marriage who needed a bit more time to get ready to TTC, and I am SO grateful that H never pushed me. I am certain if he had, it would have taken me even longer to feel ready.

I'm not invalidating your feelings, but I wouldn't push him and agree it might help to talk to a counselor. I've met with them in the past, and good ones just have an amazing way of reframing things so that they do not seem so bad. I'd recommend it to anyone going through a tough time for any reason.

als1982 · October 2015

Thanks @Xstatic3333 for conveying my exact thoughts in a kinder, gentler way. I tend to be a little too tough love.

Xstatic3333 · October 2015

als1982 said:
Thanks @Xstatic3333 for conveying my exact thoughts in a kinder, gentler way. I tend to be a little too tough love.

You're welcome! I think compared to the rest of TB, however, your phrasing was all unicorns and rainbows :-) I think we're on the same page and, OP, hope another perspective or two is helpful as you figure all this out.

EasterEggs · October 2015

I disagree with the other posters. In my marriage, we can talk openly and honestly about anything. And talking about it does not equal "pressuring" (as long as you keep it calm and open-minded). We want 4 kids, too, and there is absolutely nothing "crazy" or "wrong" with wanting a big family.

I do agree that you must both be on board with this before trying (which you acknowledge), so it could be a matter of continuing to talk about it and giving it some time. You don't get to make the unilateral decision to have another, and he doesn't get to make the unilateral decision not to--that means it should remain an open topic for both of you. With a 1 year old baby, it might seem too fast to him at this point to go for another. At the same time, he might never come around and you'll have to learn to live with that, too.

I do think it's odd that being a doctor makes him more worried. My dad is a doctor, and my best friend's husband is a doctor, and both of them were incredibly laid-back during their wives' pregnancies (and attributed not getting worked up about anything to being doctors lol). I'm not sure I buy that as an excuse. He probably just feels he doesn't want more children at this point.

At the end of the day, you DO have a beautiful family already. It would be wonderful if you could add another, but you're not detracting anything from the family you have if you don't. Give it some time and stay open-minded!

MsBeachNJ · October 2015

As one of 4 children myself (TTC #1) I loved growing up in a big family... and having a lot of siblings to count on as adults... my DH says he only wants 2, I want 4, so we are looking to compromise on 3.

My sister and her DH have 2 right now, and she wants another, he does not, so I can see first hand how hard that is on either side of it. Hoping you get the best outcome for all of you, whatever that may be! But I do agree with @eastereggs, maybe in a year or so when your baby isn't 1 he will be more open to the idea! Good luck!

jasrun80 · October 2015

als1982-- we didnt actually agree on the third as our final,, I just thought I was done because I guess I thought that,,especially at the end of the pregnancy-- it is so taxing,, then poof! : forgotten lol. . I apologize for coming off as nagging,, I dont think i do,, in fact we have fun talking about our "sides" of this situation. i was just looking for words from those with maybe some of the same experience etc.. We do actually have a therapist who we have talked with about this and so many other things.. It is wonderful & I would totally recommend one to every couple in my shoes or not! Thank you

Xstatcic3333 -- Yes! I totally agree with where you are coming from. In fact, I do find his perspective truly valid.. I was surprised when I wanted a fourth in fact, and am not forcing or pushing etc,, I am going to really try to think from his perspective -- I guess I just wonder if the feeling will just go away,,, If you do not conceive, do you expect your urge to kind of just go away? I know I already have three, and four IS a lot,, i totally agree, but the "want" for a baby/person/family member/more love to give, just seems so odd to kind wait to go away. I guess thats the kind of thing i am wondering about & if I didnt get pregnant with a fourth, there would be NO intervention. I feel like I want to take the chance because of what love & joy it really brings, but if it didnt happen, I would be happy happy happy with my family. Not yet having your first pregnancy/child, Im wondering if you can even answer, but if possible, do you think your urge to get pregnant would just lift & go away. where does your wonder go? i hope hope hope for you!! It's the best thing that has ever happened to me & so many i know & i feel like IT is when life really begins !! good luck!

Easter Eggs -- i totally get you & thanks for your perspective !! He is a "worrier" textbook first-born & he worries like crazy about everything medical. Not like hypochondriac, but i cant put my finger on how to explain it. He has "seen too much" he says & he used to diagnose correctly almost instantly when we would watch Mystery Diagnosis! It was wild to see him remember EVERYTHING from the medical books, but he does, and I think it's taxing for him. I agree,, shouldn't that make it easier!? Not for him, he kind of floats through my pregnancies, rubs my feet, and praises God when everyone & everything is ok. I guess I feel time-pressure because I'm 34... My DRs consider 35 high-risk & that scares us both.

MsBeachNJ -- Having alot of siblings to count on as adults is one of my number one wishes I could have for me, and I wish it for my kids too obviously. My therapist has brought up this same comment just in conversation(he came from a family of 7) & i envy big families & closeness. I know that there are no guarantees, but we work very hard on keeping our immediate family close & on-track with how we want to live, so i feel like in the end, my children will be tight,, at least i hope-- of course!! Thanks for your thoughts!!

jasrun80 · October 2015

MsBeachNJ said:

As one of 4 children myself (TTC #1) I loved growing up in a big family... and having a lot of siblings to count on as adults... my DH says he only wants 2, I want 4, so we are looking to compromise on 3.

My sister and her DH have 2 right now, and she wants another, he does not, so I can see first hand how hard that is on either side of it. Hoping you get the best outcome for all of you, whatever that may be! But I do agree with @eastereggs, maybe in a year or so when your baby isn't 1 he will be more open to the idea! Good luck!

I actaully LOVE that you are "compromising" -- but how do you feel letting go of the concept of 4? I actually never had a number in mind, I just kept wanting them (for me, especially AFTER my 3rd)... but 4 would be my limit for many reasons.

MsBeachNJ · October 2015

@jasrun80 , well to be honest we don't even have 1 yet, so I guess we will have to see what reality is like for us once we are blessed with any! As far as compromising, I grew up with 3 siblings, he has 1. I have always thought that 2 kids seemed like a small family to me, and he understands that, but we both see the challenges we may face with 4 (financially and otherwise) so I suppose we'll have to see how our journey goes and how I feel after we have (prayerfully) 3 healthy kids. (I've secretly always hoped for a sneak attack with twins! hahaha).

jasrun80 · October 2015

MsBeachNJ said:

@jasrun80 , well to be honest we don't even have 1 yet, so I guess we will have to see what reality is like for us once we are blessed with any! As far as compromising, I grew up with 3 siblings, he has 1. I have always thought that 2 kids seemed like a small family to me, and he understands that, but we both see the challenges we may face with 4 (financially and otherwise) so I suppose we'll have to see how our journey goes and how I feel after we have (prayerfully) 3 healthy kids. (I've secretly always hoped for a sneak attack with twins! hahaha).

you are cracking me up ! Im sending out some vibes for you!! m curious to see your journey if you stay on here!! For some reason, when it comes to babies & pregnancy,, I find that I always come back to the bump!!

MsBeachNJ · October 2015

@jasrun80 Thank you so much, you're very sweet!! I am interest to hear how your journey goes as well!

I do plan to keep up with the Bump as this being our first attempt at TTC, and will be a first pregnancy, I'm sure I'll need all the support and feedback from everyone on here!

Want a personalized experience?

I want a 4th,,,he is done.

Re: I want a 4th,,,he is done.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards