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May 2016 Moms
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Any FTM's choosing not to have a shower?

Jesse835235Jesse835235 member
in May 2016 Moms
We told my inlaws the news this weekend, and my MIL started talking right away how her sisters would probably want to buy the crib just like they did for my H's cousins.  I told her that was extremely nice and and generous of them, then I mentioned that I'm not going to have a shower before the baby is born.  She looked at me like I had three heads.  Looking back at it, I should have told her that I'm apprehensive of having a shower just because we had a late loss last time (didn't have a shower that time).  I would think she would understand where we are coming from.  I just have nightmares that something will happen and there I am with all of these baby gifts.

I might end up changing my mind, but right now I'm pretty confident that I will pass on a shower.  Anyone else?
Me: 27    DH: 30
Married in 2011
Baby 1: Stillborn at 27 weeks (April 2014)
Baby 2: Due May 2016

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Re: Any FTM's choosing not to have a shower?

  • vinerievinerie member
    I am not pushing for it at this time because we just got married and everyone who would contribute to shower gifts bought us really nice wedding gifts! Now, if someone were to offer I wouldn't decline...

    In your situation, though, I completely understand being nervous about it. I did just attend a shower that was held like 2 weeks before the birth date, so you could just hold one late?
    Me: 38; DH: 41
    DS: Born 5-17-16 

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  • yogahhyogahh member
    I'm not a fan of showers. Didn't have one for my wedding and if it was up to me won't have one for my baby either. It's our choice to have a baby and I don't like the idea of throwing a party to ask for gifts. That said mil wants to throw one. She wanted to throw us a wedding reception too which we declined so I feel like I have to accept this offer. I plan on just keeping it super small though if we do have one. I totally get ops reasoning though!

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  • BlueJuiceBlueJuice member
    I totally get your sentiment, however, people do like to get together to celebrate new babies, irregardless of gifts. And some people really like to buy baby gifts and will probably buy them for you whether you have a shower or not.

    If the gifts in particular are the thing that bothers you, though, I would see if you can get whomever is offering to throw a shower to host a pre- (or post-, which could be even more fun, because then all the doting aunts and whatnot can meet the baby!) birth party, with punch and cake and whatever else you would enjoy. 


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  • Bluejay3030Bluejay3030 member
    With my first, I didn't want a shower and asked my friends/family not to throw me one. I ended up being coerced into it, but my reasons for not wanting one were different than yours. It's your decision, and hopefully people will respect it and understand, especially after what you've been through.

    Also, you can always wait until after baby is born if it makes you feel more comfortable, that way your family and friends who really want to help out still can.
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  • mschill22mschill22 member
    My mom and I discussed this...my family really wants to come to a baby shower but they all come from other states and it is a commitment for them. So, we are going to do a baby meet and greet probably late May or early June (I'm due May 1st). It's going to be a huge BBQ with lawn games. Kind of a mix of baby shower and family reunion.
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  • alwaysdreamalwaysdream member
    I refuse to have a baby shower before baby. We will have a come meet baby party, after baby is born. My family wants to throw me one so it makes me happy to see how excited they are. We will be getting a lot of our stuff second hand. And if you don't want large gifts. You could ask that everyone only bring a book. Good luck.
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  • LovingLife!LovingLife! member
    I think if you were to have a shower after baby is born, they would understand because of your history. But if you don't want one at all, you shouldn't feel obligated to! 
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  • dsmith211dsmith211 member
    I'll leave that up to my family. If they feel like throwing me one then yay. Otherwise I won't really feel like I'm missing out on anything. The people who would be going would end up getting something for the baby anyway, shower or not. So it would more just be for the purpose of getting everyone together.
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  • sillyfoxsillyfox member

    Second baby, but we are discussing having a Sip & See, no gifts, after baby is born, That way family and close friends can come by, meet baby, have a cookie and some lemonade, and I have a reason to put on makeup. Nothing big, and probably 3-4 weeks after we get home from the hospital.

    I had a baby shower with DD but it was very small and personal. I wouldn't have wanted a big one. And I totally understand your reasoning. I was worried because mine was 3 weeks before my due date, and I had a feeling I would show up with a baby. But she ended up being 4 days late!  So aside from swollen ankles and a lot of sitting at the shower, having one at 37+ was nbd.




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    BFP 1: 9/15/2013 | DD 5/23/2014
    BFP 2: 9/15/2015 | EDD 5/26/2016

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  • Sharra13Sharra13 member
    I think explaining to her about your feelings is a great idea.  I have been told that in Jewish tradition, you do NOT have a shower, but a meet-and-greet after the baby is born.  Many Jewish moms don't even have the nursery set-up or furniture delivered until the baby arrives, or it's seen as bad luck...

    I would love to have a really nice baby shower--I love parties!  Unfortunately, have a lot of things going against me on that front:

    1. I am the ONLY person in my group of family and friends that is any good at party planning at all.  Which is great if I am throwing it for someone else and super sucky if someone wants to throw ME one. I keep imagining all these amazing ideas and I want to have such a beautiful party...but you can't throw one for yourself. :(

    2. We make more money than most of our friends (and all of our family), so it's one of those catch-22 situations where I want to have this amazing party but can't ask someone to spend the kind of money "I" would spend on it, knowing they can't afford it.  We aren't rolling in it or anything, but really nice decorations, a super adorable cake, and good food can really add up.

    3. Most of our friends are "couples" and I would just much rather have couples over than just girls.

    4. I really want to have it at my house--we LOVE our house and love having people over.  It would be cheaper than having it at a restaurant (why rent out a place if you don't have to?), much roomier than a place we could rent or someone else's house, easier to decorate, AND you can show off the nursery.  Plus, if you do get gifts, you don't have to transport them anywhere.

    I've talked it over with DH several times.  I think we will end up hosting some sort of pre-baby BBQ bash "in lieu of a shower" for all of our friends--girls and guys.  We can play games (the less cheesy ones), eat good food and have a good time.  I can do what I want and not feel like it's this big taboo!  If people want to bring gifts, that is great, but we won't be asking for them.
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  • jennaverhaeghejennaverhaeghe member
    I think the whole fun of going to a baby shower is to meet the baby... just wait til after :) Wishing you all the best.

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  • karmanakarmana member
    My grandmother always said a baby shower before the baby is born is bad luck. I don't believe this to be true however if you don't want to have a shower, don't have one. 
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  • SkamandeeSkamandee member
    I had more of a post-baby shower with my last one. She was 2 months old, and I loved that everyone from out of town was able to see her. A baby that little doesn't need much anyway besides the big things which is usually done yourself or from someone very close to you like parents or grandparents. I didn't know different religions had different ways of doing showers. I'm agnostic/atheistic and never went to church growing up so that's interesting to learn. :)
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  • mrsjlopez12mrsjlopez12 member
    Like PP we are having a meet the baby, sip and see type of deal. We are team green so I think this would be fun! No gifts asked for just a gathering of friends and family with good food and fun. :)
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  • TheThornBirdTheThornBird member
    Sharra13 said:

    Many Jewish moms don't even have the nursery set-up or furniture delivered until the baby arrives, or it's seen as bad luck...

    I forget where I read this- it may have been on my old BMB- but there was a woman whose Jewish MIL kept stealing all their baby items before the baby was born because of this.....

    Personally I love the idea of a sip n see afterwards because I don't want a lot of baby stuff (and I know people will buy us a ton of things we don't need) and I dont want to have a party I can't drink at :D
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