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December 2015 Moms
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closing the door on kid #2

Daphneh28Daphneh28 member
in December 2015 Moms
Okay so today at my OB appointment we discussed consent for tubal ligation in case of a c section. My SO is absolutely down for it. This pregnancy has been full of complications from the beginning. I had HG and still havent gained weight. Im still seeing two high risk doctors besides my OB. I am back at work ob light duty (being home drives me bonkers) and still throwing up regularly everyday just not as bad as before. Today we looked at my chart and realized i have gained six lbs and lost 4 since week 20. So in essence i have only gained 2 lbs since then. Im 32 weeks. Baby is fine and growing. Im the one wasting away. All this has really gotten to SO who is for tubal ligation. I would love another one. I come from a 3 kid family and love my brothers to death. I always dreamt of having two or three kids. Baby will have an older brother but Jr. Is a) not mine. B) doesnt live with us only summers with us and c) is 9 years older. SO says no more kids. Specialists say one more is especially risky with me and that next time may be worse than this time. SO is afraid for my life and next kids life and says if i dont do it he will. I just cant bring myself to close the door. Yes EVERYDAY I AM MISERABLE. I have felt close to dying many days especially in the beginning. Its still NOT ENOUGH for me to say no more. I would do it again in a heartbeat. SO says lets just be grateful we have made it so far and be grateful for this one perfect child who has an older brother. She wont be alone. Any advice and thoughts? The thought of my baby growing up alone is heartbreaking.
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Re: closing the door on kid #2

  • yl1m32015yl1m32015 member
    I'm sorry, I wish I had some advice. I think this is just something you'll have to search your self for and figure out. Best of luck.
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  • RratledgeRratledge member
    I'm so sorry that you're having such a challenging pregnancy! If I were you, I think I would go through with the tubal litigation because your doctors said another pregnancy would be really risky. My 2 yr old is my best little pal and although he and my husband are great buds too, they would be lost without me. Had I been told that another pregnancy would be too risky, I wouldn't hesitate to close that door and move on to adoption for siblings. Thats a difficult decision and I hope you can come to a decision that you and your SO are comfortable with. Good luck!
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  • laurabwalkerlaurabwalker member
    I think there are lots of options for kids to build great social skills now with different programs, if you choose to only have one. Every pregnancy is different though, so it doesn't mean if you had another it would be the same, but I totally understand not wanting to be pregnant again with all the issues. You could always opt for a vasectomy for him instead after baby is a bit older and you know for sure? Just a thought :)
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  • Daphneh28Daphneh28 member
    Thank you ladies. Im still processing this. We have had this discussion but today it turned REAL. He keeps driving home how he chates to see me this way and hates the fact that another would be risky for me (more for me) than baby. Like he stressed today the kids can do without me (not true) but not without you. I get it. In my head i get it. Its my heart that is saying no. From a practical point of view if we do tubal insurance would cover it. If we do vasectomy we would have to pay out of pocket. The main reason why we are having this discussion now.
    Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers
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  • NJPita22NJPita22 member
    absolutely do not. Ultimately it's your decision but no doctor should tell you your next pregnancy will be especially risky as every pregnancy is different. Sure it has a heightened potential to be a risky pregnancy again but it also has the potential to not be. my doctor says every pregnancy is different and it is and my cousin was the exact same as you with her first and her second was bad but not as bad, she made it longer and healthier. If you want more kids and you know that now why would you tie your tubes? It's not anyone's decision but yours and you stated in your post that you didn't want to and that you would love more children. So clearly there's your answer. Even if you don't end up having more I don't feel you should do something so permanent to your body that you obviously don't want to
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  • caitlyn5454caitlyn5454 member
    I have to agree with PPs -- don't make any permanent decisions unless you're 100% okay with it. I can definitely understand where your SO is coming from, considering he can see just how hard this pregnancy is on you. However, it is ultimately your decision whether you get a tubal ligation or not. Your body, your decision. I'm echoing @nik6499 about the IUD (or some other form of BC, whatever works best for you).
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  • BostonBaby1BostonBaby1 member
    Agree with PPs not to do anything permanent unless you are 1000%. You can get an iud as suggested and make the decision after you are feeling better.

    T&ps for a smoother end to your pregnancy. I'm sorry you're having such a tough go.
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  • Mizuiro007Mizuiro007 member
    I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. I agree with others though, not to make this decision right now. After baby is born and your hormones have calmed back down, then talk about it more.

    I've actually considered a tubal after this baby (for different reasons) but struggle with the same thing. I'm not sure I'm ready to walk away from the ability to possibly have another one later on (assuming we'd even be able and blessed if we tried). I finally decided to wait, not make the decision now. When I'm ready to think about it again I'll talk to my doctors then as well as a therapist and will only do it when I'm absolutely certain. I've discussed all this with hubby and he's supporting me. He says it's my body but I want us to be in agreement. In the mean time I'll talk more to my OB about what the best non-permanent birth control option will be.
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  • tetchytetchy member
    I wouldn't do it.  My first two pregnancies were crap.  The first one I had HG.  But this one.  Magical.  Having a normal pregnancy and I feel great.  Every pregnancy is different and you just have to take that leap of faith and try.  Either way the pay off is way worth it and you won't know that until you are holding that gift in your arms and it is too late to choose a second.
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  • mac-n-cheesymac-n-cheesy member
    I'm completely agree with PP's who said that now is not the time to make a permanent decision. I can relate very closely to your story: I'm high risk due to a cord abnormality, have severe pre-existing anxiety and depression that I've had to cope with (unsuccessfully) without my normal medications because they are not safe in pregnancy, I have HG and have thrown up multiple times per day every day since week 7 and I'm 33 weeks. I am 5'8", started out this pregnancy underweight, peaked @ 128lbs around week 30, and have lost 8 pounds in the past two weeks (no joke) due to crippling depression combined with the HG. My doctor is considering induction due to my own rapidly declining health and thankfully my little girl has been growing wonderfully and all tests show she is healthy.
    This is our first child and my DH has also expressed great concern over my body being able to handle another pregnancy and we have discussed this at length with both my OB who is an incredibly conservative and brilliant doctor, my psychiatrist who literally only sees pregnant/post-partum women, as well as a social worker at my hospital who follows me after every OB appointment because of concerns about my mental health.
    Not to mention the monthly growth scans, twice weekly NST's, and three surprise visits to L&D a few weeks back for PTL.
    So, I get it. It's scary when your body feels like it is going to shut down at any moment. The thing is, as many have mentioned, every pregnancy is different even in the same woman. If you had a uterine issue where you simply could not carry another child or had cancer that required a hysterectomy, etc it would be a different story IMHO. You may save money by getting the tubal done at delivery but not when you want to reverse it because you realized you made the wrong decision. I strongly feel permanent birth control is a decision that needs to be made together as a couple whether it's the male or female choosing to undergo the surgery.
    Please let your body and mind heal before you make any rash decisions or let your SO pressure you (or threaten you) into something you don't appear to want to go through with.
    Going into another pregnancy you could be better equipped to handle a potential reappearance of HG (go on disability, at home IV fluids, PICC line, etc) before it takes to much of a toll. You didn't mention specifically other complications but if that is your main one I definitely don't think that is reason to have a TL.
    I'm tired of throwing up every day too and not having a day where I feel even halfway ok in over 200+ days but we get a child we have wanted so badly at the end of all this. I couldn't imagine giving up that opportunity again unless I was told I would literally die if I got pregnant again.
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  • TomekiaBTomekiaB member
    My mom was never supposed to be able to conceive or have a successful pregnancy. When I was conceived the doctors seriously pressured her to abort me they were so worried about the complications...she obviously refused. I was born perfectly healthy and my mom only had a minor complication from delivering me vaginally.
    My brother was a rougher pregnancy but he was also born healthy although via csection, she did have more complications with delivering him and my dad refused to have more children after that experience (my mom always wanted 3).
    Anyway, my brother and I are proof doctors aren't always right. That is a decision only you can make.
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  • Daphneh28Daphneh28 member
    @lynem29 THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! Besides a few cysts that hurt the crap out of me, the HG is the worst of it. I know how you feel and it is not surprising to need some serious help because it can really mess with your mind. I talked to my mom who also sees both sides and told me to calm down and not do anything rash. She loves my SO and understands his POV but also agrees that it's my body and my decision. She also made me feel okay with the whole if you two decide this is it it's okay for you to have only one too. And that even though they may be far apart in age it's more of what relationship we foster between my daughter and Jr.rather than if they are both living together or closer in age. So far I really do prefer to have a long term BC rather than something permanent. We may or may not have more but I need time to come to terms with that decision and I agree right now at 32 weeks pregnant is not the time for me to come to terms with it.
    Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers
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  • Daphneh28Daphneh28 member
    And thank you all you wonderful ladies for your input. Sometimes you need a sounding board of people that are in the same boat to keep a clear head. Thank you all.
    Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers
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