- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
November 2015 Moms
benniferayers1
member
On bedrest feeling guilty
benniferayers1
member
Hi,
I'm 33 weeks ftm, been on bedrest for a month. I should also mention I am bipolar, on meds, & see a psychologist & psychiatrist as part of my treatment plan.
Anyways, my mom comes over everyday to take care of me, makes me meals, cleans, walks the dog. I am extremely grateful to her & she does this voluntarily-but also feel guilty/burdensome at times-it's a lot to ask. She even takes me to my FST weekly & ob appointments. My husband & I have to split our baby bonding FMLA since we work for the same company & any time he takes off now comes out of that bank, so my mom is helping us out tremendously with that. Thank god my bedrest is separate time.
At times I feel like my husband is sort of taking advantage of the arrangement. My mom leaves an hour before he comes home & I usually take a nap. When he does come home we talk about our day & stuff. He watches the news for awhile & then goes to the garage to workout. Dinner has been cheap stuff, fast food or like pbj or yogurt or something because I'm not supposed to be cooking or doing any type of chores. Then we watch tv & go to bed. I don't sleep great at this point with heartburn & being so big, sometimes I sleep on the couch cuz I am so restless.There's not really any affection, like maybe a hug every once in awhile but thats it. I feel like my mom takes care of me better than he does. I feel like he thinks I'm her problem since I'm her kid. And when he comes home it's his relax, all about him time. Like he can't be there for me.
Take tonight for example: I had a breakdown, been feeling kinda down the past few days and it just came to a head. My dad just got diagnosed with a form of alzheimer's that affects a certain part of the brain & he's only 55. So that's been a shock & scary for what the future holds for him & our family. He's my hero-both my parents are actually.
It's also hit me that baby girl can't stay in my uterus forever & will be here before we know it! And I'm scared about giving actual birth & will she & I come out of it ok...just all these scenarios of the unknown (well unknown to me). I voiced these concerns to my husband & was met with you have to be strong & you're gonna be a mom soon, and you have to put your big girl pants on. And women give birth everyday. I was like ok I know that but right now I need you more emotionally & to tell me it's gonna be ok & you're gonna make everything ok...he said well you need to believe that. And no he did not say it's gonna be ok. I asked to snuggle him-I just needed that touch & he's like ok but I have to get some sleep, so that was like 5 mins. Felt like a burden. Like really? You see me upset & refuse to console me. It just hurts. He's not the most demonstrative person but dang. It feels so cold & heartless. Like is he gonna be like that towards our kid? What if I have post partum depression? I feel alone except for my mom & the rest of my family.
I'm 33 weeks ftm, been on bedrest for a month. I should also mention I am bipolar, on meds, & see a psychologist & psychiatrist as part of my treatment plan.
Anyways, my mom comes over everyday to take care of me, makes me meals, cleans, walks the dog. I am extremely grateful to her & she does this voluntarily-but also feel guilty/burdensome at times-it's a lot to ask. She even takes me to my FST weekly & ob appointments. My husband & I have to split our baby bonding FMLA since we work for the same company & any time he takes off now comes out of that bank, so my mom is helping us out tremendously with that. Thank god my bedrest is separate time.
At times I feel like my husband is sort of taking advantage of the arrangement. My mom leaves an hour before he comes home & I usually take a nap. When he does come home we talk about our day & stuff. He watches the news for awhile & then goes to the garage to workout. Dinner has been cheap stuff, fast food or like pbj or yogurt or something because I'm not supposed to be cooking or doing any type of chores. Then we watch tv & go to bed. I don't sleep great at this point with heartburn & being so big, sometimes I sleep on the couch cuz I am so restless.There's not really any affection, like maybe a hug every once in awhile but thats it. I feel like my mom takes care of me better than he does. I feel like he thinks I'm her problem since I'm her kid. And when he comes home it's his relax, all about him time. Like he can't be there for me.
Take tonight for example: I had a breakdown, been feeling kinda down the past few days and it just came to a head. My dad just got diagnosed with a form of alzheimer's that affects a certain part of the brain & he's only 55. So that's been a shock & scary for what the future holds for him & our family. He's my hero-both my parents are actually.
It's also hit me that baby girl can't stay in my uterus forever & will be here before we know it! And I'm scared about giving actual birth & will she & I come out of it ok...just all these scenarios of the unknown (well unknown to me). I voiced these concerns to my husband & was met with you have to be strong & you're gonna be a mom soon, and you have to put your big girl pants on. And women give birth everyday. I was like ok I know that but right now I need you more emotionally & to tell me it's gonna be ok & you're gonna make everything ok...he said well you need to believe that. And no he did not say it's gonna be ok. I asked to snuggle him-I just needed that touch & he's like ok but I have to get some sleep, so that was like 5 mins. Felt like a burden. Like really? You see me upset & refuse to console me. It just hurts. He's not the most demonstrative person but dang. It feels so cold & heartless. Like is he gonna be like that towards our kid? What if I have post partum depression? I feel alone except for my mom & the rest of my family.
Re: On bedrest feeling guilty
Your mom sounds great and she is probably happy to help out. You are still her baby and she wants to take care of you now that you are having a hard time. I would just try to do something for your mom to show her how much you appreciate her help.
Your husband on the other hand sounds like he just does not understand what you are going thru. It sounds like you tried already but I would try to sit him down when he is not distracted and explain how you feel and how you need his suppose.
When I was on bed rest making dinner became a new thing DH could do together. I did the majority of the cooking before bed rest and that was not really an option any more. During the day I would look for recipes that I thought everyone would like and was something DH could cook quickly after work or he could prep the night before and we could throw in the crockpot. After trying a new recipe we would talk about how to make it better and try it again the next week. It was a good active for us because we were eating something besides take out and it gave us something new to work on together.
Maybe try to find something you and DH can do together in the evening, asking for a specific activity might be more helpful for him to know how to support you. Even if it is just scrabble or watching a new show together on Netflix it will give you something to do together. Your H may not know what to say to put your mind at ease, but spending some quality time may help because you would feel more supported by him.
I've been on bed rest for the past two weeks and it's been pretty rough. My mother has been coming over for an hour or two a night and deep cleaning a room or two, getting things moved and ready for our LO. She is amazing. My DH has been working hard for the both of us, and we've had a lack of empathy towards each other. I try to remember he has a lot on his plate and it has to be stressful to carry the financial burden. I feel for you, try to look at things from other angles. It's hard, I know! I would definitely talk to your doctor about the emotions you're feeling too, not only will s/he be able to calm your fears about birth/ppd/etc, but it will help so the doctor knows where you are mentally and emotionally during this time. (Bed rest is NOT for sissys!) Message me if you ever need someone to talk to.
My SO kind of went through something similar where I just felt like I couldn't talk to him. It sounds like I'm like you, most of the time when I'm venting or upset I really just need that moment, and if he just cuddles me and tells me alls good than that's all I need. I know what needs to be done and how, but I don't need to be told to be strong or suck it up. That just makes things worse.
I'm realizing though that he is just a problem solver, if I come to him with an issue he wants to find a solution not hug me. It's bittersweet.
I've had to find a good balance between communicating with him and leaving him be. I was really bombarding him emotionally and he could not handle it. He's an amazing man though, and I dont worry about him being detached like that with our baby.
He's figuring stuff out too, ya know?
Go easy on yourself though, you are going through a lot right now..
Also, your mom does sound amazing, I'm sure it's no burden for her
He has gotten really good at cheering me up, firstly because having a pre-approved list of things to do makes him more confident to be around me when I'm upset, and secondly because he has seen that it has a much better effect on me than offering fix-it solutions right off the bat.
I'm sorry thay you're going through such a rough time, especially with your dad's diagnosis, but it's that your mom has been so helpful. Moms are the best!
But omg, my husband.....
I'm like at the point where i'm really hurt/disappointed i don't have a supportive partner. He needs to grow up. like do i really want all his negativity around me esp when i do deliver? I dont want to see his disdain for the situation...yes u wait around in hospitals get over it. I dont want to see you/hear you talking to yourself saying this is bs and i'm exhausted and such. Like really get the f out then.
And then to top that off he works out in the garage when we came home-really? I am so screwed when i have this baby...like seriously screwed. He's incapable of taking care of anyone but himself. I'm just done.
Does your H have any friends with kids he can talk to? It sound like he just does not get it and needs a wake up call.
If my H ever acted like that in the hosipital I would of just asked him to leave and told him I would call him when something happens.
Do you have a friend or family member that can be with you during labor just in case?
Ummmmm what?!?!