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Need advice about bedtime!

melaniejayyymelaniejayyy member
in November 2015 Moms
So my fiancé has a 3 and a half year old. He's with us every weekend and 2 days out of the week. Most nights he will let him stay up anywhere from 9.30-11. Personally, I don't agree with it. Every once in a while on a movie night or something, I understand. But I think toddlers need structure and a set bed time is one of those things. When he does go to bed it's about an hour of him yelling for one of us to come up there every 15 minutes. I mentioned to him that since the baby will be here soon, that we should set an actual bed time and work on getting him to understand that he can't be yelling for us to come up there all the time when he lays down. He got kind of defensive and acted like I was upset that he spends time with him. Am I being unreasonable in asking this? Or maybe I should I about it a different way. Any suggestions?
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Re: Need advice about bedtime!

  • MargaretC5MargaretC5 member
    I agree with you that toddlers need stucture. Maybe suggest setting up a bed time routine, like bath, cuddle on couch, brush teeth, books, then bed. That way your DH can spend time with his son and you can start getting him on more of a schedule.
    It sounds like the yelling is his current bed time routine and I would expect a few tough nights as you try to change that.
    I remember reading a book that addressed this exact problem, but I cannot remember what it was. I will let you know if I remember, but maybe try looking into some books on toddler sleep also.
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  • melaniejayyymelaniejayyy member
    MargaretC5 said:

    I agree with you that toddlers need stucture. Maybe suggest setting up a bed time routine, like bath, cuddle on couch, brush teeth, books, then bed. That way your DH can spend time with his son and you can start getting him on more of a schedule.
    It sounds like the yelling is his current bed time routine and I would expect a few tough nights as you try to change that.
    I remember reading a book that addressed this exact problem, but I cannot remember what it was. I will let you know if I remember, but maybe try looking into some books on toddler sleep also.

    That's a great idea! Normally when I bring it up its around 10 and he gets defensive. Maybe bringing up a general nighttime routine during the day would be a better way to get through to him. I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him or putting down his parenting choices. And if you remember I'd definitely like the name of that book. Thanks for the advice!
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  • Cook3133Cook3133 member
    With my first we let him stay up late, I liked it because he always slept in :). I am not a morning person so this worked for us. But once he started preschool at 3.5 we had to change that. It took a few days but got him on a schedule. Since then (he's 5.5 now) we have a bed routine and all the kids follow it. We still struggle at times with our now 3.5 yo, there are times it takes an hour to get him down but we just stay persistant. Btw our bed time for our 5,3, & 1 yo is 8:30.

    I should add one of the reasons there is a struggle with the 3.5yo is he has issues with his iron level and when they are off we have sleeping issues, he'll wake up a few times during the night to.

    Is there a bed time at his moms? I would say they should be the same to make it easier for him.
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  • JStill0603JStill0603 member
    Oh man, I can't believe you have gone through this for so long. When I met DH, my SS was 2.5 and had no bedtime. He would be jumping on the bed and running around like crazy til 10, 11, sometimes 12 midnight and he slept with DH most nights. Finally after we were engaged but before we moved in together, I asked DH if he expected SS to sleep with is in our bed and he said no, which was a relief to me because I was uncomfortable with him sleeping with us, with the exception of bad dreams or something like that. Then I asked DH if he could start letting SS sleep in his own bed at his house before we bought our house so that I didn't look like the bad guy kicking him out of daddy's bed. DH said okay.

    Then we moved in together about a year before we got married. I immediately established a bedtime routine with SS that goes brush your teeth, potty, bath time, read 1-2 books in bed and or sing a song, go to sleep. DH doesn't give baths (he gives showers because he claims he doesn't like bending over the tub) so I do that part but DH participates in the rest of the routine, if just SS and I read the book, DH will come in and tickle/play for a minute and then say goodnight. Sometimes one of us will rub his back until he relaxes. Before SS started school, we did this routine whenever I started it, which depended on my work schedule what time it was. I've got to the point where if I can't bathe him every single night, we can vary the routine to just washing face and hands before pjs. We also vary it some on weekends if we decide to have a family movie night, moving bath time up, putting on pjs and all watching the movie before sleep.

    I always assumed DH didn't have a routine before because he wanted to spend as much time as possible with his son during the time in which he had him. Since we started a bedtime routine, DH will admit that he sees a difference in SS behavior and attention span and approves of a bedtime and bedtime routine.

    Sorry for the long post but this can be a very touchy subject when you are stepmom telling dad how to do something with his kid. I'm a little nervous about how LO will fit into our bedtime routine but right now I'm hoping he can at least lay on the bed and participate in story time, then SS can go to sleep, LO can nurse and hopefully establish the beginnings of a bedtime routine too.
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  • brownloveonebrownloveone member
    I agree that there needs to be structure and a routine. Do have a serious talk with him when it's just the two of you and maybe pull up some info on the benefits of this to show him. And also remember that his parenting choices will also affect your baby together so try to get on the same page now instead of fighting about it when your baby is 3.
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  • melaniejayyymelaniejayyy member
    Cook3133 said:

    With my first we let him stay up late, I liked it because he always slept in :). I am not a morning person so this worked for us. But once he started preschool at 3.5 we had to change that. It took a few days but got him on a schedule. Since then (he's 5.5 now) we have a bed routine and all the kids follow it. We still struggle at times with our now 3.5 yo, there are times it takes an hour to get him down but we just stay persistant. Btw our bed time for our 5,3, & 1 yo is 8:30.

    I should add one of the reasons there is a struggle with the 3.5yo is he has issues with his iron level and when they are off we have sleeping issues, he'll wake up a few times during the night to.

    Is there a bed time at his moms? I would say they should be the same to make it easier for him.

    I think that's why he likes to let him stay up late, he's definitely not a morning person either.

    To be honest, i doubt he has a bedtime at his moms. Even if she says he does, I wouldn't believe her. But that would definitely help if we were all on the same page with bedtime routines!
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  • melaniejayyymelaniejayyy member
    JStill0603 said:

    Oh man, I can't believe you have gone through this for so long. When I met DH, my SS was 2.5 and had no bedtime. He would be jumping on the bed and running around like crazy til 10, 11, sometimes 12 midnight and he slept with DH most nights. Finally after we were engaged but before we moved in together, I asked DH if he expected SS to sleep with is in our bed and he said no, which was a relief to me because I was uncomfortable with him sleeping with us, with the exception of bad dreams or something like that. Then I asked DH if he could start letting SS sleep in his own bed at his house before we bought our house so that I didn't look like the bad guy kicking him out of daddy's bed. DH said okay.

    Then we moved in together about a year before we got married. I immediately established a bedtime routine with SS that goes brush your teeth, potty, bath time, read 1-2 books in bed and or sing a song, go to sleep. DH doesn't give baths (he gives showers because he claims he doesn't like bending over the tub) so I do that part but DH participates in the rest of the routine, if just SS and I read the book, DH will come in and tickle/play for a minute and then say goodnight. Sometimes one of us will rub his back until he relaxes. Before SS started school, we did this routine whenever I started it, which depended on my work schedule what time it was. I've got to the point where if I can't bathe him every single night, we can vary the routine to just washing face and hands before pjs. We also vary it some on weekends if we decide to have a family movie night, moving bath time up, putting on pjs and all watching the movie before sleep.

    I always assumed DH didn't have a routine before because he wanted to spend as much time as possible with his son during the time in which he had him. Since we started a bedtime routine, DH will admit that he sees a difference in SS behavior and attention span and approves of a bedtime and bedtime routine.

    Sorry for the long post but this can be a very touchy subject when you are stepmom telling dad how to do something with his kid. I'm a little nervous about how LO will fit into our bedtime routine but right now I'm hoping he can at least lay on the bed and participate in story time, then SS can go to sleep, LO can nurse and hopefully establish the beginnings of a bedtime routine too.

    Glad to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way! I also am uncomfortable with him in our bed. For whatever reason, he can't stay still in our bed and I'm the one who ends up getting kicked in the head, stomach, and basically kept up all night. Definitely not cool with this big ol belly too lol.

    I think a lot of it has to do with how I go about the situation. I appreciate the advice and you sharing your story!
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  • MoRay05MoRay05 member
    Maybe you could find out what his bedtime is at his moms house and if it's a decent time go with that. Having consistently would probably help him too.
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  • MargaretC5MargaretC5 member
    edited October 2015
    melaniejayyy said:

    MargaretC5 said:

    I agree with you that toddlers need stucture. Maybe suggest setting up a bed time routine, like bath, cuddle on couch, brush teeth, books, then bed. That way your DH can spend time with his son and you can start getting him on more of a schedule.
    It sounds like the yelling is his current bed time routine and I would expect a few tough nights as you try to change that.
    I remember reading a book that addressed this exact problem, but I cannot remember what it was. I will let you know if I remember, but maybe try looking into some books on toddler sleep also.

    That's a great idea! Normally when I bring it up its around 10 and he gets defensive. Maybe bringing up a general nighttime routine during the day would be a better way to get through to him. I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him or putting down his parenting choices. And if you remember I'd definitely like the name of that book. Thanks for the advice!
    I remembered the book, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber. Honestly I found the book very helpful with DS, but I remember some moms on my last BMB did not feel like his methods worked with there parenting style (it does recommend a modified cry it out approach). Maybe read a few reviews of this and some other books to see what may work for you.
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  • kwaldykwaldy member
    Oh man...
    I've been in your shoes. SD would very rarely be with us due to military obligations, but when she would DH always kind of just let her play until it was ultra-late (I'm talking 1am) and she passed out on her own - plus her grandfather, who watched her regularly, would do the same. Probably because he likes to stay up late and sleep in. Her bio-mom also liked to keep her up late, and I never agreed with it. For so long I held my tongue because I felt like it wasn't necessarily my place to say something, but when it came down with her spending 10 weeks of the summer with us, I definitely put my foot down on having a routine with her. Both DH and I work and had to get her up for day camp early so it was pretty nice to be able to get her on a routine.
    I'm a firm believer that routine is imperative to a child's development and feeling secure in their situation... but maybe that's just me.

    I suggest you have the conversation with your SO during the daylight hours when it doesn't seem like you're attacking the choice he's making right then and there. Also, I would voice the concern of the yelling at bedtime being something that can't be happening with a newborn in the house. Maybe naptime for your SOs son need to be adjusted so that he's tired at bedtime and doesn't fight it. Ultimately, the lines of communication just need to be open. No, your SOs son isn't "yours" biologically, but you do share a responsibility with your SO to be a good parent figure for him since you're in his life so much.
    Good luck!


    Sorry that was long.
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  • JStill0603JStill0603 member
    kwaldy said:


    I suggest you have the conversation with your SO during the daylight hours when it doesn't seem like you're attacking the choice he's making right then and there. Also, I would voice the concern of the yelling at bedtime being something that can't be happening with a newborn in the house. Maybe naptime for your SOs son need to be adjusted so that he's tired at bedtime and doesn't fight it. Ultimately, the lines of communication just need to be open. No, your SOs son isn't "yours" biologically, but you do share a responsibility with your SO to be a good parent figure for him since you're in his life so much.
    Good luck!


    Sorry that was long.

    This too. Your fiancé has to respect your role as a step-parent and give you the freedom to make or co-make some parental decisions. Step-parenting is super difficult and definitely not glorious, especially when involving such young children are involved, but if your fiancé respects you as a parent (and I would guess he does if you're having a child together) then you have a right to have some say in how your stepchild is parented in your household. It's not a fun or easy conversation to have but it's a must if everyone is going to be comfortable and happy moving forward. Some of mine and DHs most difficult conversations have been about the role of a step-parent in the life of a young child, especially since DH and I both have parents that are still married.
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  • melaniejayyymelaniejayyy member
    MargaretC5 said:

    melaniejayyy said:

    MargaretC5 said:

    I agree with you that toddlers need stucture. Maybe suggest setting up a bed time routine, like bath, cuddle on couch, brush teeth, books, then bed. That way your DH can spend time with his son and you can start getting him on more of a schedule.
    It sounds like the yelling is his current bed time routine and I would expect a few tough nights as you try to change that.
    I remember reading a book that addressed this exact problem, but I cannot remember what it was. I will let you know if I remember, but maybe try looking into some books on toddler sleep also.

    That's a great idea! Normally when I bring it up its around 10 and he gets defensive. Maybe bringing up a general nighttime routine during the day would be a better way to get through to him. I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him or putting down his parenting choices. And if you remember I'd definitely like the name of that book. Thanks for the advice!
    I remembered the book, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber. Honestly I found the book very helpful with DS, but I remember some moms on my last BMB did not feel like his methods worked with there parenting style (it does recommend a modified cry it out approach). Maybe read a few reviews of this and some other books to see what may work for you.
    I will look into it! Thanks again!
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  • e911chicke911chick member
    edited October 2015
    nevermind!!!!! Pregnancy brain. My post didn't make sense.
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  • melaniejayyymelaniejayyy member
    Thank you ladies! I really appreciate the advice. It isn't an easy job being a step parent. I've been around since he was just a baby and for about 2 years we had him most of the time. My fiancé has always been supportive of my parenting decisions and respects me as his child's step mother.

    I'll take all of your advice and hopefully we come up with something that works!
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  • JStill0603JStill0603 member
    Something I didn't think to ask... Is your SS in preschool/daycare at all? Who watches him during the day?
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