Telling the padres or not?

AnnieR81 · September 2015

So my DH and I have been TTC for almost 4 yrs. We've finally seeked help from a fertility specialist and am on Round #3 of drug-assisted TI. If we don't get pregnant in Sept, we'll move on to IUI.

The problem comes that my parents are planning this epic and expensive vacation next summer out west for a group of us. Mom's so excited and all I can think I'll probably either have a newborn or be very pregnant when it comes around. Plus, i'm not sure if our fin ancestors cold swing both.

We're saving now for the trip, but the more my mom brings it up, the more anxiety I get. Is it just the hormones?

Did any of you tell your parents when you were TTC? Or did you wait until you knew for sure you were? *so confused*

AdorkablePixie · September 2015

DH and I haven't really told anyone. My three closest friends and my cousin know. That's it. My cousin only knows because she is going through the same thing.

turtle148 · September 2015

@AnnieR81 We are not telling our parents we are ttc again. Mainly because DH doesn't want them to call me over and over stressing me out about it. I would say it really depends on the family situation. We are 6 hours away from any family so all they can do is call and ask.

AnnieR81 · September 2015

@AdorkablePixie yay. I'm sort of in the same boat. Don't want to get everyone's hopes up until we know we are. Like I said, we'very been trying for a long time. I did tell my friend who is also TTC but only so we can motivate each other.

AdorkablePixie · September 2015

It's so nice to have someone else to talk to about it, especially if they are going through the same thing. I hope you get your BFP soon!

MrsFL2015 · September 2015

We're not telling anyone because we really don't want to deal with the constant questions and unsolicted advice. I would not plan my life around thinking I "might" be pregnant by this time or that time. You'll only end up disappointed if it doesn't happen and you could potentially miss out on events (like trips), because you assumed you'd be in a different situation.

jnissa · September 2015

Everybody is different when it comes to telling people, but here is some advice to keep in mind. It's best to not live like you're pregnant until you are. What's the worst that happens if you get pregnant and have a newborn? Everybody knows it's taken you a long time and while money may be lost on the trip they are THRILLED at your news and happy for you. NOBODY who loves you is going to be upset by that situation.

But what if you tell your parents? And while every single person on this board is cheering for your BFP, what if it doesn't happen with IUI? What if it takes longer? We all pray it doesn't for you, but what if it does? Then the time for the trip rolls around and rather than just being able to enjoy it you'll all be thinking about how you'd rather not be on it because you wish you were home with a newborn right now.

Sometime in fertility land, quiet makes the process easier

AnnieR81 · September 2015

Thanks everyone for your words. I think we'll keep it on the DL as we planned and just save up for one or the other. Whichever comes first, that's what we'll spend it on.

clt2pwm11 · September 2015

Ugh. I made the mistake of telling my dad, and he went crazy. My mom died young from bladder cancer, and as I tried to explain to him PCOS, he kept interrupting and telling me I need to seek a second opinion because I might have cancer (like my mother). When I explained we were using fertility medications, he again freaked out and was concerned I was going to die. I know this is probably not the normal experience people have, but I'm just throwing in my two cents. I wish I had never told him! In your situation, the financial piece would stress me out. Can you afford to go even if you do have a baby? If not, I would beg off and just say you can't afford it. If you can afford it, then I would continue to plan to go. You can still go with an infant; you'll just have a slightly different experience!

bookworm40 · September 2015

We didn't tell either of our parents until we had to move to IVF. I am very close to my mother as my father passed away when I was very young so I tell her everything and plus I felt she should know since you have to go under anesthesia for the retrieval. She has never ever been obtrusive with questions and always listens when I need to talk. My DH made the mistake of telling his mother and all i get is questions. We have decided to not tell her as we go through further treatment because she brings on a lot of stress.

It's honestly a matter of opinion and what you feel comfortable with who you tell things too. I do agree with @jnissa when she said you can't live like your pregnant until you are. Every month I put plans on hold for a few months out thinking this will be the month but now I live for the day and don't get ahead of myself. It's not to say I'm losing hope because I'm not in anyway but plans can still happen if I'm pregnant or have a newborn so why not make the best of each month!

Good luck with your journey!

riveridgional · September 2015

I guess I'm in the minority here. I told my parents when we started trying. It actually helped everything for me as they no longer asked when we would try and no longer made comments about wanting grandkids. They actually told me several times they hoped I didn't feel any added pressure due to earlier comments. I've also been very open about my infertility struggles, which I know is rare for most. Overwhelmingly, I've had great responses and reactions and for the most part I haven't received any painful comments from this who know we are haVing trouble (only this i haven't told). I will just nicely let people know if something they told me was hurtful. I hate how lonely I felt before telling people and wish more people were educated on infertility and how to act around those suffering. So, I kinda feel like me being open about it has really helped me cope and I've also heard a few people mention how they regret saying certain things to people and were glad they now realize some things they say are offensive for others.

Overall, I would just go with your gut. Try to figure out which scenario would be less stressful for you and go with it. Would you feel more stressed having them know about it, or more stressed keeping it inside? Good luck!

kistra · September 2015

I told my mother (and one sister but not the other) and she has been greatly supportive and commiserates with each BFN with me and was a great sounding board when the RE presented DH and I with IVF vs IUI as options. As with riveridgional, all the comments and jokes about grandkids immediately stopped when I let my mother know what we were going through. I think she also asked some other relatives to stop making those comments without saying why.

***loss mentioned***

My DH is great but initially he thought I was way overreacting and we just needed "one more month" and didn't want to do any treatment and thought it was all weird. It has been different since our loss but it is still nice to have my mother for support as well and no questions at all about when the DS we lost will have a sibling.

***end mention***

Basically, do you think your parents will be stressful or help you get rid of stress? If they will be more stressful don't tell them, if it will help you then tell them. And you don't have to tell both sets, we did not tell DH's parents about our treatments (that was his decision).

AnnieR81 · September 2015

Thanks for sharing. You must have an amazing relationship with your parents. Good luck with everything.

Minnie1155 · September 2015

riveridgional said:
I guess I'm in the minority here. I told my parents when we started trying. It actually helped everything for me as they no longer asked when we would try and no longer made comments about wanting grandkids. They actually told me several times they hoped I didn't feel any added pressure due to earlier comments. I've also been very open about my infertility struggles, which I know is rare for most. Overwhelmingly, I've had great responses and reactions and for the most part I haven't received any painful comments from this who know we are haVing trouble (only this i haven't told). I will just nicely let people know if something they told me was hurtful. I hate how lonely I felt before telling people and wish more people were educated on infertility and how to act around those suffering. So, I kinda feel like me being open about it has really helped me cope and I've also heard a few people mention how they regret saying certain things to people and were glad they now realize some things they say are offensive for others.

Overall, I would just go with your gut. Try to figure out which scenario would be less stressful for you and go with it. Would you feel more stressed having them know about it, or more stressed keeping it inside? Good luck!

Same here, we told our parents and it has been helpful. I do feel lucky, they don't ask questions unless I bring it up. I am very close with my parents and we have a good relationship so that helps. Who you tell or don't tell is a personal choice and I think would depend on the type of relationship you have. We haven't told any friends, and right now don't really plan to, though there are some people that I know I definitely would not tell. Wishing you the best.

gardeniagirlknits · September 2015

I am very honest and open about ttc with my folks (which are actually my God parents.... My real parents aren't around anymore) and with mil.

I only told my folks bc they were planning a vacation for us as well. I have no regrets on telling them, as they understand my random sad days now. but I'm sad we didn't move forward with vaca... Bc I ended up not getting a bfp OR vaca... So that sucked. Also, dh and I did not plan a big anniversary trip bc we thought I'd be pregnant... And I wasn't... And then we had to throw together a crappy long weekend to Tahoe (which is like, in our backyard). The whole time I thought "I could have been in st Johns but instead I'm here because I couldn't even get knocked up... ". I cried.... On our anniversary. Do not plan your life thinking you'll have a baby. I made several choices thinking I'd have a baby by now... I regret it completely.

I ended up telling MIL bc she and FIL were so forward with how much they wanted a grandbaby. Since I have told her, I have a huge weight off my shoulder. They would never even dream now of commenting about wanting a grandbaby bc they know how much it would hurt me.

And well.. Of course I told My 2 best friends about our choice to actively try right away... Bc I couldn't hold back my excitement!

Ttc is So isolating... I don't know how I would do it without the support of my girls, my mil, and my folks. My husband is great, but he can't be the only one to carry the weight of my random outbursts. Every once in a while it's nice to give him a break and tell my BFF (instead of him) how much I hate the pregnant girl or the woman with the stroller that runs on MY path... How dare she.

No one should feel like they can't talk about their troubles with their support system. But then again, some are more private than I. Do what's best for you.

Good luck. Hugs.

misshopeful1 · September 2015

We've told my in laws. I'm very close to them and my MIL is a former labor and delivery nurse. Her insight and advice can be really helpful.

runnerchick4life · October 2015

We haven't told anyone we are TTC. We are hoping to get a BFP after these rounds of Clomid. Then we will share the news.

TTCbabyR · October 2015

I just had this convo with my husband last night. We are considering IVF and I feel super guilty about being under anesthesia and not telling my family. Telling our family would blow them away. We've been together 7 years and just recently started TTC. Because of our age (late 30's), endo, pcos, and husbands low T we were sent straight to the fertility clinic. There we discovered I have limited egg reserve and husband has low Sperm count and the doctor recommended IVF straight away.

Hopietaylor91 · October 2015

We wanted to keep it a secret. But we are very close to DH parents. My MIL and DH actually work together. So after a year of TTC and my MIL accidentally finding my OPKs and all the Dr app we finally came clean and told them everything. While I would have loved to surprise them it has been so wonderful having there support and prayers. This journey has become so much easier since them finding out. On top of that now MIL is planning family trips and stuff with the thought of us having a New born. So all the way around in so glad we told them!!!

emgem819 · October 2015

We haven't told Anyone about TTC with fertility meds. If my parents or DH's parents knew they'd probably ask so much it would drive us crazy. Once we get a BFP and after 12 weeks then we will tell people. It is hard going through stuff without telling anyone. These forums have helped for that!!!

JamieL31210 · October 2015

If your parents knowing isn't going to cause you more stress, ie them pushing with questions all the time, then I would just tell them. But everyone's different, I'm pretty open about ttc and the fact that we're on fertility meds, I don't bring it up all the time and I'm not that close to my family to talk to them about it, but I will mention it if need be, like if they ask why I'm not drinking or something. If the situation is causing you stress it won't be good for ttc so I say just tell them and you can figure out a plan B incase you get pregnant

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