In-law stress

victoria2015baby · October 2015

I am sorry this is just a rant,but recently my husbands family has been causing us so much stress! They live three hours away and expect us to host them overnight in our home after the baby is born. They are a big family, and if we were to have everyone visit for a day or two, we would have house guests for weeks on end! Our baby is due December 17th, a week before Christmas, so everyone wants to come up within those two weeks because it is convenient for them. Nobody cares what is convenient for us, and this is our first baby and we will be stressed out enough! My sister in law had the audacity to say to me that WE hurt their feelings by saying we weren't hosting overnight guests, and they twisted it around to make it seem like nobody was welcome to see the baby at all. I'm sorry, but if you really want to see the baby, you are more than welcome to, and there is a nice hotel right down the street if you choose to stay. I don't think we are being unreasonable, but they just don't see it that way. I would love to hear what the rest of us December moms think, so that I don't feel so alone!

Jess0813 · October 2015

My uncle and grandfather are coming to visit for a little over a month around the time the baby is due and for the holidays. They decided to stay with us for just a few days then rent a condo gor the month of december. Normally i would just let them stay here the whole time but we already have 2 toddlers and my grandfather has alhiemers (sp?) so with a new baby that would be alot. I personally dont mind having guests as long as they are aware i am not going to be waiting on them. You never know you may appreciate the help and company since it is the holidays and you will be stuck at home with the baby anyway.

ToneGirl · October 2015

No...stick to your guns on this one!! Yes, have them stay in a hotel! My ex-MIL stayed at our house (for 2 weeks) after I had my first and I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. She tried to be helpful but really...I was worried about being hostess to her and making sure she had things that it was WAY TOO MUCH! I told my husband that NO ONE will be staying overnight with us....plus it's Christmas and the stress of that will be enough with a newborn. Sorry that they are being this way but you are totally being reasonable about them staying in a hotel.

kittyberet · October 2015

I would make your husband handle it. All of our family is out of state so we do a lot of hosting and don't mind but I know my ILs will be helpful and not stress me out. It's not unreasonable to not want tons (or any) overnight guests.

victoria2015baby · October 2015

Unfortunately my poor DH was actually sticking up for us and his family went on the attack towards him and said that he is being hurtful. He has always bent over backwards for them, which usually puts me in the back seat, which is why I am so frustrated! He does so much for them and now that the tables have turned and it's us needing support, everybody seems to be looking for reasons not to reciprocate. It has always been about them, and now they are making what should be a time for us, about them too!!!

KatC129 · October 2015

I am also due December 17th. Grandparents may be allowed to visit the hospital after I give birth and as long as I have a good birthing experience and after that its ONLY me and my husband for the first 2 weeks. And probably some brief visits during or around Christmas. But you have to think about what is best for you and your family (husband and LO), not what everyone else wants. My mom was actually the person who told me to plan it this way, based off her own experiences. I don't think hosting people at your house while trying to recover from birth is going to be a good experience. Plus you need time to bond with your new addition without having everyone else butting in.

mrs14678 · October 2015

We are already planning for this discussion to happen..... Thankfully (though it really was extremely rude) the FIL and his new wife ignored me pretty completely at the baby shower (FIL just disappeared for a while... We had to stop all the present opening to go find him so he could see us open his present, yes. His. Not theirs.). They live about 3 hrs away, too. We are planning on saying NO VISITORS at the hospital, and they can just wait til Christmas to come down and see him. I think we are sort of planning to have all the family view him in a weekend, that way we can just get it over with.... Then we will be moving that next week, so hopefully people will come visit the baby AND make themselves useful by helping us move. Ha!

Anyway, all that to say: stick to it!! For the sake of future visits, you need to set your boundaries now!!

ToneGirl · October 2015

ArielleRene said:

We are already planning for this discussion to happen..... Thankfully (though it really was extremely rude) the FIL and his new wife ignored me pretty completely at the baby shower (FIL just disappeared for a while... We had to stop all the present opening to go find him so he could see us open his present, yes. His. Not theirs.). They live about 3 hrs away, too. We are planning on saying NO VISITORS at the hospital, and they can just wait til Christmas to come down and see him. I think we are sort of planning to have all the family view him in a weekend, that way we can just get it over with.... Then we will be moving that next week, so hopefully people will come visit the baby AND make themselves useful by helping us move. Ha! Anyway, all that to say: stick to it!! For the sake of future visits, you need to set your boundaries now!!

Oh god love ya for moving the same time as having a baby and Christmas thrown in there!! My thoughts are with you! Good luck!

taysun · October 2015

We flat out told everyone to wait at least two months before visiting if they need to stay overnight. Thankfully New England weather is making that sound a lot more appealing to out of towners.

oregonmommy-2 · October 2015

You are going to be under enough stress having a baby and you and baby trying to figure each other out. I don't think it is unreasonable to not want house guests when you come home from the hospital. You should have your space and not feel obligated to anyone. It is a precious time for you and your husband to spend with baby. I would ask them to get a hotel or maybe a vacation rental. You can't be expected to host house guest when you should be focusing on baby.

arz1215 · October 2015

Do what's best for you, baby and SO. You are under no obligation to please others even if they get upset! I understand in-law stress, although my situation is with BIL and SIL.. Hang in there!

ChiccoBeanz · October 2015

I agree with pp. My in-laws would be told whomp whomp no. "I appreciate their excitement and all, but as a FTM I need a little time to adjust to this change, and it would be the best showing of support for my family, both sides, to give us a little bit of time before overnight visits. I apologize if anyone is offended, but this is what is best for our family. Thank you for respecting our wishes." After that, I wouldn't revisit the issue and I'd tell my husband to not revisit it either. If anyone brought it up, I'd nicely say that we aren't changing our minds and change the subject.

missphil · October 2015

From what I have heard from my birthing teachers and newborn care teachers is that those minimum 4 first weeks are a whirlwind and should really be focused on resting. In fact, they say don't even pop a load of laundry. So unless your extended family wants to come over to clean, cook and do laundry, say NO!

ammnam14 · October 2015

I think you are being very reasonable. It's your family, therefore your rules! I'll be allowing visitors at the hospital and my mom will be staying with me for a week or two. My in laws live less than 20 min. away so I'm sure they'll be over too. I will take all the help I can get! But this is what I want. I think if your in laws were offering to stay and help it would be a different story. It sounds like they just want a weekend getaway.

hjcook · October 2015

I am also due on Dec. 17th with a scheduled C-section. My MIL will hopefully come to help, tho she is not so helpful, but any little bit? she will stay at our neighbor's apartment subletting for two weeks. My dad, brother and SIL and their four kids want to come. They will stay in a hotel with a pool. I hope i can hang with them as I love my family, but not so sure how I will be feeling. I've explained to them that I may not be up for much visiting and may not come to the hotel.

In my experience with my MIL - firm, healthy boundaries have made our relationship much, much better. I get the impression that she has more respect for DH and me because we hold firm to what we have asked her to do and not do. Somehow she missed the appropriate behavior and boundaries class in life!!

kittyberet · October 2015

Unfortunately based off their reaction you are just going to have to keep repeating your house rules and ignore the boo-hooing. Politely remind them you will not be hosting overnight guests any time they bring it up and if they say they aren't visiting then let them know you understand their choice.

momotheflyinglemur · October 2015

I like the way that @taysun has laid out her boundaries. I think that you need to figure out how you would feel most comfortable accommodating your guests. If you don't think that having ANY over night guests is going to be something you want in the first two-three weeks than you need to make that clear and stick to your guns. Before bringing it up to your in-laws though you need to talk with SO and explain to him clearly what boundaries need to be set and why. That way when you take that information to your family, you will present as a united brick wall. Wanting things to go a certain way with his side of the family, will only work if he is going to fight y'alls join case to the end and not cave to any modes of persuasion from his family. I have heard plenty of MIL's who try to appeal to their sons by crying or victimizing themselves.

lauren812lauren · October 2015

Stick to your guns! My in laws live 2 hours away and they just assumed because they live so far away they would stay overnight at our house when I'm having the baby and the night when I bring her home "because it's a long trip" and I said HELL NO. They are very, very sensitive and my husband always caters to their feelings as to not offend or upset them and I typically just go with it because it's easier but this time I am NOT budging. I think you should be strong!

crisobrewha · October 2015

DH and I have been together for 8+ years and in that entire time MIL visited our apartment twice when we lived 10 miles away. Since we moved she hasn't been to visit at all. As you can imagine, I'm a little bitter about this, especially with the various invites we issued, they accepted, and then all of the sudden could not do at the last minute. Now, all of the sudden, she stated that we call her when I go into labor and she would make the drive and stay with us for a couple of weeks. I'm through planning anything with her and couldn't help my "WTF face" and told her that we do not want any visitors right away and that we would visit them, as planned, over Christmas. We've spoken since then and she's come to terms with this arrangement.

As all the previous posters mentioned, talk it over with your husband, come up with a game plan, and then stick with it! Don't let down your guard or allow anyone to walk over you. It's your house, your baby, your rules and your sanity. You can do it!

USCnurse42 · October 2015

With my first, my in laws wanted to fly out as soon as we told them the baby wad coming. We were stationed in Hawaii at the time, and my in laws coming from SC. My husband and I had the discussion that I needed a little time to adjust prior to them coming. He spoke to them , and they planned a visit for 2 weeks out. With my middle son, I was staying with my parents while my husband was deployed. My in laws and parents live 15 minutes apart. They saw him in the hospital and then again a few days later. I was more willing to spend time with them because we were getting ready to move to Italy. With this little man, we are 8 hours away from family. My in laws have already made plans to come while my mother in law is on break from school. They are staying in a hotel. This is perfect for me because my FIL will go away at night. My FIL is the one who grates my nerves to no end and would stress me. My mom is coming too, but will stay with us. She is super helpful and I am grateful for that with the older boys. Plus she is coming as my in laws leave. You need to do what you think is best for your family.

susiaustin · October 2015

Totally understand this!!! My mom and dad want to come down (20 hour drive) around the time I deliver. When they come they stay with us. SO doesn't get that it different with my parents that I see maybe every few months, and I'm the one who's getting my gallbladder out literally 48-72 hours after giving birth I want my mommy, not his. She lives a half hour away and sees us 3-5 times a week, no reason for her to stay at our house!

mlr7710 · October 2015

My sil lives 6 hours away and just had twins. They already have a 3 yo. Hubby and I didn't need to be asked, but we plan on staying in a hotel when we visit in 2 weeks. I think that'll be more comfortable for everyone involved. Makes perfect sense to me. Luckily our house is small and we don't have space to host guests!

mltarrio · October 2015

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! I am due Christmas Day and the boundaries we set are that our folks can come to visit, but everyone has to stay in a hotel. I want them around but I can't have houseguests and actively in labor or a brand new baby and host Christmas dinner. Stick to your guns. It's your baby and your house, you know what you are up for and what is best.

Magnolia+Mama · October 2015

I didn't want overnight guests with DD#1 ~ we suggested my parents stay with DH's family (they live ~20 min. From our house), but they declined, saying they would rather stay with us. I wasn't assertive enough to say no. They ended up staying at our house for 5 days after we brought DD home. I really just wanted privacy and peace and quiet and I was super stressed about having them in the house. We will be doing things differently this time around!!

TomekiaB · October 2015

OP I am guessing you live somewhere interesting if that many people want to visit. Anyway, if you are interested in a potential compromise you could check into getting a vacation rental for 2 weeks and let all his family share it as they come and go during their vacations...you can tell them that is your Christmas gifts for every adult on his side. I agree as PP stated that you can also just say "no" but this is another idea if you feel the need to try to keep the peace.

stickybun14 · October 2015

I think it all depends on the relationship you have with the relatives. I'll be happy to have my parents and in laws for a night or two as our house is a bit bigger and they won't be under our feet.

I will be putting them to work though!! Don't think you're coming to a new mums house and not making me dinner and helping me with the washing. But my mum does that now when she comes up.

I am more thinking of polite things to say when I get too much 'helpful advice' from them. Yes, you may have done it that way 30 years ago, but this is how I will be doing it now. And only my husband or I will be putting bubs to sleep, washing him etc for the first few weeks to get some good bonding time in.

Good luck with enforcing your decision. At the end of the day you are the one that will be adjusting to this wonderful new addition to your life and you and your partner need to do what's best for your little family unit. Not the extended one!

*edited because washing came out as bashing.

kawolt · October 2015

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! I've been having a similar issue with my own parents....and people I've confided in have sort of made me feel bad for not wanting guests right away. "You should want your family there! They are excited!"
We wil be living 6 hrs from each side when Baby is born. We planned to call after baby arrived but my parents have said "We will never forgive you if you don't call when you go into labor." They plan to start driving out that moment....uummmm...what about what we want!?!

victoria2015baby · October 2015

kawolt said:
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! I've been having a similar issue with my own parents....and people I've confided in have sort of made me feel bad for not wanting guests right away. "You should want your family there! They are excited!"
We wil be living 6 hrs from each side when Baby is born. We planned to call after baby arrived but my parents have said "We will never forgive you if you don't call when you go into labor." They plan to start driving out that moment....uummmm...what about what we want!?!

Exactly! Isn't this about our special time before everyone else?! It blows my mind that people don't consider others' needs and feelings before their own when it is not their baby.

victoria2015baby · October 2015

Thank you everybody who posted a response on this topic. It has been very helpful to hear everyone's stories and advice! I feel much better now!

Want a personalized experience?

In-law stress

Re: In-law stress

Choose Another Board

Search Boards