How/when to tell someone who is struggling with infertility that you're pregnant

MMB1016 · October 2015

My SIL (husband's sister) has a three year old but has struggled to get pregnant again and is beginning IVF this week. I'm 10 weeks pregnant with my second and I'm planning to tell her over the phone before we announce to anyone and not planning to put anything on Facebook at all. Now that she's beginning IVF, I'm not sure if I should wait until she undergoes implantation. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive to her feelings but she has been struggling and upset since my first pregnancy two years ago (which became hurtful to me over time) and I really don't want to psych her out as she begins the IVF process. We have always been very private when trying to conceive, so this may blindside her since she's been so forthright with her struggles.

What are y'all's thoughts?
Should I wait until her procedures are done or should I tell her now or at 12 weeks so I can tell the rest of our friends and family? Should I call or email or do it in person?

CrimsonCurse · October 2015

I would not tell her now and for sure not over the phone or in person. If her cycle is a failure it might be extremely hurtful for her to know that you are successfully pregnant while she is still unable to conceive. I would pick a time that feels right and acknowledge that you understand that the news may be difficult and you totally understand if she needs space/time to deal with the news.

I have not struggled with IF but after my miscarriages (even years after) it is difficult to hear about people's pregnancies. I much prefer to hear it over text/email/fb so that I can process the news in private and feel how I want to feel so that I can be happy for that person and put those feelings aside when I do see them in person. Does that make sense?

I understand how those feelings from your SIL may be hurtful but that bit of resentment and jealousy may never go away. I know my own SIL who struggles with IF wants nothing more than for me to finally get my rainbow baby but the news still hurts for her and it's hard.

Good luck

emma+karen · October 2015

Not quite the same situation, but with good friends of ours who were (and still are) struggling for a long time, before we did a Facebook announcement my wife called the husband (she is closest with him) and told him over the phone--I should note they lived six hours away from us at the time. He broke the news to his wife, who was having a harder time with their IF struggle, before she had to see our big public announcement.

mrstmoose · October 2015

I would tell her because although it will still hurt her, I think it would hurt more by not telling her but telling everyone else. Since this is your 2nd, you will most likely begin to show quicker than you did with your first pregnancy and you will not be able to hide it (I'm imagining Thanksgiving). I would see if there is a time you could go over to her home, or have her over to yours, and tell her gently and allow her to feel whatever she feels. And that way, if you do it at a home, she can leave or you can leave. But I would tell her face to face. And I would also include your husband in on this conversation, and her husband as well so there can be support there.

This won't be an easy conversation but I think it is one you should have. Good luck.

seasalt123 · October 2015

I personally would prefer to receive the news via email and be given time to get my feelings out before responding.

jennhill310 · October 2015

As someone who has struggled with infertility for over 10 years. I always hated learning about friends and family that were pregnant. But at the same time I would hate to find out through other family members. So my advice would be to wait till after she has the implantation as that my help her keep her hopes up. I didn't mind it so much when I was under going cycles as that's was hopefully to me. But you know your SIL the best so it's up to you. Good luck

YouGoGlenCoco31 · October 2015

**trigger warning**

First, I think it's sweet of you to be concerned how your good news will affect your SIL. I have struggled with infertility and loss and recently underwent IVF. I obviously can't speak for everyone who has gone through IVF, but I think the sooner, the better. The time after the embryo transfer is not at all stress-free, so (in my opinion) that might be the worst time for her to hear the news.

Unless you and your SIL are really close, I would also recommend sending a short and sweet e-mail so that she has the time and space to process the news. Let her know that you are thinking about her, sending her positive vibes, and wanted to let her know in a way that would be most sensitive to her feelings.

Also, the fact that you're thinking about this shows that you probably have more tact than the average person.

However, if you are struggling with what to say (and what not to say), here's a great resource for how you can best show support:

https://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html?referrer=https://www.google.com/

Good luck and congrats.

jenaenae17 · October 2015

Write something exactly like what you said in this post. Tell her you wanted her to know before the public announcement and that you care a lot about her and her feelings. I personally would want to hear in a phone call, visit, or a long text from the person and not an email but everyone is different. At least with a text you know she got it. And say why you text and didn't call. To save her feelings. You are a great person for thinking into this. I have a close friend who just had a pregnancy loss and I opted to text her to tell her. She responded much better than I thought and I ended up being sorry I didn't tell her sooner. I was able to explain everything to her to save her feelings and mine so I was not hurt if she didn't respond well. Good luck!

concreteayngel · October 2015

My SIL is also going through fertility treatments, and I'm wondering the same things. My TTC journey was not an easy one, so I understand the bitterness and resentment. But in the grand scheme of things, pregnancy and babies are just a part of life. After a couple of pregnancy announcement related meltdowns, I thought, What am I going to do? Internally scowl at every pregnant woman/ new parent? I decided I didn't want to have that kind of negativity in my life, and I tried as best I could to be genuinely happy for those people. I decided that the new and soon to be parents in my life needed my support much more than I needed to feel sorry for myself. And in the end, the change of perspective and attitude really helped me get through the bad TTC days.

But I digress, I guess my question is (sorry, not trying to highjack!), what's the difference between finding out over social media and getting an email? I can only speak for myself, but if someone singled me out in a pre-announcement heads up, I don't think I'd like that very much.

KidShrink · October 2015

I have also gone through IF and had a hard time with literally EVERYONE announcing they were pregnant on FB. I agree with @YouGoGlenCoco31 that the fact that you're thinking about this means you probably have more tact than the average person (well you certainly have more than my sister who announced she was pregnant after a month of trying when we were finally starting IF treatments after 1.5 yrs, and told me it didn't matter if ever it didn't work for us, at least I'd be an auntie...). What's your usual mode of communication? Do you ever email each other? Or do you go more by phone? Or you're really not that close and only ever talk in person? I'd base myself on whatever would feel less unusual, and say just what you said in your post, that you hope things work out for her soon and you're there if she needs it, but understand if she needs space. Also...PLEASE don't complain about any symptoms...you have no clue what she'd do to feel tired and nauseous and crappy. My sister complaining throughout her pregnancy forced me to avoid her every which way I could, because she just didn't get how hurtful those comments were (she has no filter generally, but that situation made it worse).

goatgirlnyc · October 2015

seasalt123 said:
I personally would prefer to receive the news via email and be given time to get my feelings out before responding.

I agree with this. I struggled with infertility for years and I always preferred to hear the news via email or social media. That way I could process my fellings, cry, "get it all out" before I sent a congratulations. From my perspective, as the years went on and I grew more and more depressed about my struggles with IF, I found it increasingly difficult to keep it together when confronted with pregnancy news especially when done one on one.

Not only did I find the news hard to hear but I hated that someone would see me struggling to keep it together or hear the quiver in my voice as I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I especially hated the looks of pity or the other person's anticipation of me getting upset.

I don't know, maybe this reponse is too long but reading the op brought up those feelings from 3-4 years ago. Struggling with IF was just the worse. Those were some dark, dark days for me.

That's just my opinion so....

soralette · October 2015

seasalt123 said:

I personally would prefer to receive the news via email and be given time to get my feelings out before responding.

This is my vote, too. Tell her before you go public by at least a few days, and tell her via email, so she doesn't have to paste on a happy, cheery face/voice for you when she's crying inside.

yodasmistress · October 2015

Another vote for email.

Glousemommy0914 · October 2015

Id tell her now through email or fb message. The longer you wait for a giod time, the harder its going to be to find. I txt my friend who had just miscarried the month before that i was pregnant because we both were ttc together and instead of being happy she has slowly drifted away from me :-[ But i know if i would have waited longer it would be worse.....

miraclepfGod · October 2015

Having been infertile for over 13 years with Missed IUI treatments etc I always celebrated the joy of a new Niece or nephew and never wanted anyone to feel like they couldn't tell me. Some weren't always so good on their delivery (well, I didn't really want to get pregnant but my husband insisted...Uh yea that's not what you say to an infertile woman!) but when my SIL told me each time with all 4 kids I was always joyous and not jealous or saddened. I made sure to seperate me from her so not to let that happen.

I think if you have a close relationship with her and deliver it properly it will be fine. And in all honesty the times people were inconsiderate only grew me more as a person to be sensitive and understanding to others. But the fact you are asking shows you have the right heart and I think that's amazing! Let her share in your joy and maybe she'll even get excited at the thought this IVF will take and you'll go on this journey together! I always hoped that and funny thing, without doctors I am now pregnant and that same SIL is as well 5 weeks due after me with their 5th!!!

Share!

miraclepfGod · October 2015

@Glousemommy0914 give your friend time, she's just healing herself. It's nothing personal. ❤️

linzandjer11 · October 2015

Another vote for while she may be hopeful about the IVF. It was SO much easier for me to hear that kind of news when i knew/hoped i was pregnant too.

MrsOsciak · October 2015

As someone who has been through IVF I would suggest you send a text before her cycle begins. I generally find that people are most hopeful at the beginning of a cycle and then the stress and doubts start to mount the further you get in...after implantation is definitely NOT a good time to break it to her!

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