- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
3rd Trimester
benniferayers1
member
Feeling guilty
benniferayers1
member
Hi,
I'm 33 weeks ftm, been on bedrest for a month. I should also mention I am bipolar, on meds, & see a psychologist & psychiatrist as part of my treatment plan.
Anyways, my mom comes over everyday to take care of me, makes me meals, cleans, walks the dog. I am extremely grateful to her & she does this voluntarily-but also feel guilty/burdensome at times-it's a lot to ask. She even takes me to my FST weekly & ob appointments. My husband & I have to split our baby bonding FMLA since we work for the same company & any time he takes off now comes out of that bank, so my mom is helping us out tremendously with that. Thank god my bedrest is separate time.
At times I feel like my husband is sort of taking advantage of the arrangement. My mom leaves an hour before he comes home & I usually take a nap. When he does come home we talk about our day & stuff. He watches the news for awhile & then goes to the garage to workout. Dinner has been cheap stuff, fast food or like pbj or yogurt or something because I'm not supposed to be cooking or doing any type of chores. Then we watch tv & go to bed. I don't sleep great at this point with heartburn & being so big, sometimes I sleep on the couch cuz I am so restless.There's not really any affection, like maybe a hug every once in awhile but thats it. I feel like my mom takes care of me better than he does. I feel like he thinks I'm her problem since I'm her kid. And when he comes home it's his relax, all about him time. Like he can't be there for me.
Take tonight for example: I had a breakdown, been feeling kinda down the past few days and it just came to a head. My dad just got diagnosed with a form of alzheimer's that affects a certain part of the brain & he's only 55. So that's been a shock & scary for what the future holds for him & our family. He's my hero-both my parents are actually.
It's also hit me that baby girl can't stay in my uterus forever & will be here before we know it! And I'm scared about giving actual birth & will she & I come out of it ok...just all these scenarios of the unknown (well unknown to me). I voiced these concerns to my husband & was met with you have to be strong & you're gonna be a mom soon, and you have to put your big girl pants on. And women give birth everyday. I was like ok I know that but right now I need you more emotionally & to tell me it's gonna be ok & you're gonna make everything ok...he said well you need to believe that. And no he did not say it's gonna be ok. I asked to snuggle him-I just needed that touch & he's like ok but I have to get some sleep, so that was like 5 mins. Felt like a burden. Like really? You see me upset & refuse to console me. It just hurts. He's not the most demonstrative person but dang. It feels so cold & heartless. Like is he gonna be like that towards our kid? What if I have post partum depression? I feel alone except for my mom & the rest of my family.
I'm 33 weeks ftm, been on bedrest for a month. I should also mention I am bipolar, on meds, & see a psychologist & psychiatrist as part of my treatment plan.
Anyways, my mom comes over everyday to take care of me, makes me meals, cleans, walks the dog. I am extremely grateful to her & she does this voluntarily-but also feel guilty/burdensome at times-it's a lot to ask. She even takes me to my FST weekly & ob appointments. My husband & I have to split our baby bonding FMLA since we work for the same company & any time he takes off now comes out of that bank, so my mom is helping us out tremendously with that. Thank god my bedrest is separate time.
At times I feel like my husband is sort of taking advantage of the arrangement. My mom leaves an hour before he comes home & I usually take a nap. When he does come home we talk about our day & stuff. He watches the news for awhile & then goes to the garage to workout. Dinner has been cheap stuff, fast food or like pbj or yogurt or something because I'm not supposed to be cooking or doing any type of chores. Then we watch tv & go to bed. I don't sleep great at this point with heartburn & being so big, sometimes I sleep on the couch cuz I am so restless.There's not really any affection, like maybe a hug every once in awhile but thats it. I feel like my mom takes care of me better than he does. I feel like he thinks I'm her problem since I'm her kid. And when he comes home it's his relax, all about him time. Like he can't be there for me.
Take tonight for example: I had a breakdown, been feeling kinda down the past few days and it just came to a head. My dad just got diagnosed with a form of alzheimer's that affects a certain part of the brain & he's only 55. So that's been a shock & scary for what the future holds for him & our family. He's my hero-both my parents are actually.
It's also hit me that baby girl can't stay in my uterus forever & will be here before we know it! And I'm scared about giving actual birth & will she & I come out of it ok...just all these scenarios of the unknown (well unknown to me). I voiced these concerns to my husband & was met with you have to be strong & you're gonna be a mom soon, and you have to put your big girl pants on. And women give birth everyday. I was like ok I know that but right now I need you more emotionally & to tell me it's gonna be ok & you're gonna make everything ok...he said well you need to believe that. And no he did not say it's gonna be ok. I asked to snuggle him-I just needed that touch & he's like ok but I have to get some sleep, so that was like 5 mins. Felt like a burden. Like really? You see me upset & refuse to console me. It just hurts. He's not the most demonstrative person but dang. It feels so cold & heartless. Like is he gonna be like that towards our kid? What if I have post partum depression? I feel alone except for my mom & the rest of my family.
Re: Feeling guilty
Although she's your mum it's not her responsibility as such. He is your husband & should be giving you the support you need. I've suffered with PND since I had my first son 8 years ago. It continued with my 2nd son and I seem to be doing ok since I had my daughter almost 3wks ago. So I do understand your concerns and worries.
In some respects you do need to put your big girl panties on as you are going to be a mum, but that could have been said in much better way by your husband & I know that it's not always easy when you feel the way you do.
I think you need to sit your husband down and have a talk with him. Express your feeling, tell him he needs to be supporting you more, that it's not all down to your mum, & tell him every now and then you need to feel wanted by him.
I wish you the best of luck. It's never easy living with a mental illness. So long as you get the support you need things should get better.
Ummm what?!?!
I can understand him being frustrated that you made a counseling appointment without his knowledge. Communication is key and yes you are trying to talk to him but it sounds like you are expecting him to behave a certain way towards you or say specific words to you and when he doesn't (because he's a clueless man), you get upset and feel let down.
Honestly, your husband sounds like most husbands including my own. A typical dude. I have a feeling you might be exaggerating some of this behaviors because you are in a tough place with the bed rest and the situation with your dad ON TOP of the other issues you already have (Bipolar). You're super emotional and that's understandable, but this could be really hard on your husband too.
It's great that you have your mom for support but in a way...I'm not trying to be mean...you do have to sort of suck it up and toughen up a bit. Bed rest sucks, I get that. Life is tough right now, I get that. But you will have a baby here soon so you might as well try to get as mentally prepared as possible and try not to stress the things you can't control right now (PPD, your husband's behavior when baby comes, etc).
You need to have to have a serious sit down conversation with your husband and talk. Just the 2 of you. Sounds like he has quite a few issues he's holding on to and that needs to come out. Having a baby will rock your relationship like you wouldn't believe so you have to get on the same page now, before life gets even harder.
Good luck OP.
I would say don't put additional pressure on your husband right now.
As for your mother, I applaud her for helping! My mother has NEVER wanted to have anything to do with me, and even more so now. But that's beside the point. Kudos to your mother, for being kind, caring, and helpful! Maybe you should lean to her, when you get upset, depressed, stressed, etc.? If that is possible in anyway. Explain your situation to her, and see what you both can do.