What to tell my stepson?

Re: What to tell my stepson?

• penelope4612 member

  October 2015

  Hi,

  
  

  I'm sorry for your loss.  I don't have kids, so please take whatever I say with a grain of salt.  But these are my thoughts.

  
  

  First of all, is this the first time your stepson has been exposed to death?  Or has someone in the family passed away before?  Or has he seen it on the news?  If he has a sense of what death is, then you can certainly relate what happened (like, when so and so passed away).

  
  

  And also - does he know about the birds and the bees yet, so to speak?  Because if not, you want to prepare yourself for questions at some point about how babies are made, particularly if you go with what I'm about to say, which might raise that question in a particularly curious child.

  
  

  I would probably provide him with a basic explanation, something along the lines of: We want to tell you that unfortunately we lost the baby that we were expecting.  When a baby is growing, it has to turn from 2 cells into a whole person with all the different organs and pieces, and it is a very complicated process.  That's why it takes 9 months.  But sometimes, it's so complicated that something goes wrong, and at that point, the baby stops growing and passes away.  Unfortunately, that's what happened to our baby.  [Feel free to insert comments here about the baby going to heaven or whatever you're comfortable with].

  
  

  I would emphasize that you are both very sad and you know that he'll be sad too, and that it's normal to feel that way when you lose someone you loved or something that you really wanted.  I don't know your stepson, but you probably want to be prepared with an explanation of what happens to the baby in case he asks, because the reality of a miscarriage might be a bit much for a 9 year old.  I might just say something like, at this point, the baby is a ball of cells that is so tiny that it just goes away, and spare him the actual details.  

  
  

  If you're up to it, and it seems like something your family might do, you could come up with a way to honor the baby together, like buying a plant or lighting a candle or buying a Christmas ornament to honor them or whatever works for you all.

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• mrsmommya member

  October 2015

  I have a 3 year old so my situation isn't quite the same, but will give you what we told her.  She saw me crying the day we found out.  She asked why I was sad and I asked her if she remembered us talking about the baby...she of course said yes.  I then told her I was sad because we didn't have the baby anymore.  She asked where it went and I told her to heaven.  She does mention it from time to time...I just stress that we do not have the baby anymore, but that it lives in heaven.  We also make sure when she brings it up to say that we are going to try and get another baby.

  
  

  Good luck to you!

  "http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/368d09"

  
  

  
  

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