What to do? Using a donor

junicek · October 2015

So I am married but DH doesn't know if he wants to continue with the baby-making project any longer. It's been 18 months without luck and has certainly caused stress in our marriage. He has two kids from previous marriage but I have none. I've debated if he says he's done trying if I should use a donor. It's certainly not my first option; I obviously would like it to be my DH but what to do if he decides no? I'm 37.5. He says he doesn't want to raise a strangers baby either. Has anyone used donor? I have very mixed feelings.

bsckgb7 · October 2015

So are you saying using donor sperm without your husbands permission? I'm not even sure your RE would allow that. We both had to sign off that it was his sperm we were using. I would think he would have to sign-off that it was someone else's sperm.

junicek · October 2015

@bsckgb7 I would not do it secretly but if I have to choose between trying to have a baby or not, I may choose to use donor sperm. I have discussed it with my RE and they require a meeting with a social worker. I just can't let anyone stand in my way of trying for a baby

HBamama2B · October 2015

I've been following your posts and definitely feel for you and the very real struggle you are going through. I can imagine being in a similar situation if my DH were not on board with trying for a child, either ours or adopted. Having kids just isn't optional for me, and blessedly it isn't for my DH.

I strongly recommend trying to get your DH to attend a fertility therapist, if he's willing, to help each of you see the other's side even if you can't reconcile your final decision points. Fertility therapist are unique and can help address some of the pressure he is feeling while providing support for you at the same time. I wish you both the best of luck and a happy outcome!

jnissa · October 2015

This makes me so very sad. The first thing I would say (other than seconding the therapist) is that it may just be that the journey is tiring DH out. A fertility therapist can help you with that.

Now, please don't think I'm being harsh in this next part, but you really need to remove emotion about having a baby from this and think about what you are saying. So I mean this with all kindness and wishes for you to get what you want and be happy *and* bring a happy, healthy child into the world.

I can't urge you enough though to think about what it would be like for your donor child to be raised in a house with a father figure who has at this point very much made it clear that he doesn't want to raise "somebody else's kid." Please do not kid yourself into thinking he would change his mind once a lovely baby is in the house. Please think of what you might be putting a future child through. Please make a decision that prioritizes the child rather than your desire for a child. The situation that you are describing could be incredibly toxic and scarring to a child. If you truly want a baby in a way that you would let nothing stand in that way, and even after therapy DH is not on board to continue, then you may have to choose between DH and a healthy environment for a donor child.

We're interviewing donors right now (egg). We are both on board. Using donor genetics is no different from your own genetics in that *you absolutely must be a team about it.* If that is not going to happen, then you need to re-evaluate and possibly adjust your situation to reflect your true goals.

mskeenan · October 2015

I agree with @jnissa . I am so sorry that you are going through this . I would probably feel and consider exactly what you are considering right now if I were put in the same position . But I think you have to take a step back and remove the emotions from it because the future child is the priority . This isn't a decision you can make on your own unless you choose to be alone in raising a child I would think (that is if your husband ultimately says no ) . As others have mentioned it sounds like therapy would be a huge help in this situation to sort out your feelings and understand where the other person is coming from . I would be upset if my husband had previously said he was ok with having kids and then changed his mind . Maybe he needs a little bit of a break ? Could you take a break for a designated amount of time to take the focus and pressure off ? I know time is of the essence, especially when you want a baby so badly but even six months could both give you some time to breathe . Obviously I'm no expert just brainstorming . Hugs !!!! Keep us posted on how things are going . I hope your husband has a change of heart !!

junicek · October 2015

I'm seeing a fertility therapist on Wednesday and DH isn't interested in coming. That's up to him, I can't force him. At this point I am hoping he comes around to trying IUI in for my next cycle. If we were to try 2-3 cycles without success I would be willing to quit. I don't want to go on forever; I'm almost 38 and he's nearly 41 and I do feel a sense of wanting to know where my life is headed. I don't want to wake up in 10 years and ask myself what if... If he refuses to participate in any IUI that is where the donor comes in. He has made it clear that if I go down that road, we are done. So I would be raising that baby by myself which isn't ideal. I could use donor sperm and not get pregnant and be alone with no baby or my DH. He had a vasectomy reversal that worked but I haven't gotten pregnant. We learned about antibodies after the fact, we don't know if that's the issue or not, I just want to try something else.

I'm taking October off in hopes of relaxing and just working on us but it's always in the back of my mind

kuposa17 · October 2015

I agree with everyone on therapy, I think it is wonderful and extremely helpful in working through these kinds of issues.

It could be that you guys just need a breather. Ttc naturally with ovulation kits, timers, etc was very stressful on my DH. Now that we've started IVF treatments, one of the *few* positives is no pressure to have timed intercourse. My DH has been so happy to just have sex for fun, and it's helped us re-gain some if the normalcy in our relationship.

I have to say, though, if my DH wanted to have a child, with or without me, that would really hurt! I would feel really unimportant. If having a child IS more important than your relationship, so be it, you have every right to feel how you feel. But try to be empathetic to how that probably makes him feel. Neither one of you is wrong, it just sucks when you're not on the same page!

junicek · October 2015

@kuposa17 I have definitely considered some of what you've brought up. How he must feel knowing I am 100% for baby, without seeming to care how he feels or if I have to lose him, so be it. It's not what I want at all, and it's agony to think I may have to choose between being a mother and keeping my love. That's why I am doing my best just to enjoy our relationship right now and not focus on the baby issue, at least for this month

plumeria05 · October 2015

@junicek My heart goes out to you because I know how it feels to come to the realization that you need a donor. My husband and I are taking the donor route (for eggs). Our RE told us after a failed IVF that my egg quality is the problem and suggested a donor. After getting over that heartbreak, we started looking for donors. To me, we do need eggs but I'll be the one carrying the baby and giving him/her life

. Hubby and I are excited to see this journey. Good luck and hugs to you

mclorn · October 2015

This is such a heart-wrenching and complicated process! I do hope that you and your DH find clarity together... Praying for you!

MrsHandler · October 2015

Have you done any fertility treatments?

junicek · October 2015

@MrsHandler I have been trying to conceive for 19 months. We were supposed to do IUI in sept, I did all the monitoring and on the morning I was supposed to have insemination my DH couldn't finish the job in a cup. It was so much pressure and I felt very badly for him. Since then I found out he can use special condoms or preseed to help but he is hesitant to try again.

MrsHandler · October 2015

Has he gotten tested too? I would say keep going if its something you want. Try and get your husband to understand how your feeling. I hope that it all works out for you!

junicek · October 2015

He has been tested because he had a vasectomy reversal in April 2014. It was successful but I haven't gotten pregnant even though all my numbers are good. I'm wondering if it's stress or sperm antibodies that are preventing pregnancy. He knows how important it is to me, but he finds the process extremely overwhelming. We are seeing a fertility therapist today so I'm hoping it's a positive appt.

mskeenan · October 2015

That's great @junicek ! Let us know how it goes !!

junicek · November 2015

Just wanted to update everyone who was kind enough to reply to my post, we are going to try IUI this month. Fertility therapist appts helped, as did taking some time to focus on as a couple. I may not be successful but at least my attempts are with my DH, which is what I want.

vssbrm · November 2015

Fx for you! I am so glad you and DH are in a good place. I think that is the most important factor in this process.

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