Rant About Friends Without Kids

Sarahm8687 · October 2015

I am the first of my group of friends to have a little one. Pretty crazy since we are all in our late 20's. Lately my acquaintances with children have been reaching out to me, and that has been wonderful and I appreciate all their advice or words of wisdom.
However what I do not appreciate is the unsolicited advice from non-parent friends. I realized they would annoy me, and there would be somewhat of a divide, but I didn't think it would be this soon or this intense! If I hear "if you pick her up every time she cries, she is Neber going to sleep alone" one more time I am going to go postal. Newsflash: you can't spoil a newborn, and when you become a parent you can have an opinion.
I am also having a really hard time taking their problems seriously. Today, a friend complained about how he hates traffic and couldn't get out of a parking garage for 5 minutes. It was really hard to act like I understood why he was so stressed out after I had just left a peds appt that I planned last minute so I could find out why my 1 1/2 week old could not stop crying or sleep longer than 20
Minutes straight, and then while getting the baby back into her car seat, I opened the door directly into my incision from my c-section and my legs went numb and I thought I was going to pass out. And then I dropped and shattered my brand new iPhone in the parking deck,
Any advice on how you're dealing with the unsolicited advice from non parents?

mrscheetah · October 2015

I'm so sorry that happened. It sounds really freaking painful and I hope you're ok!

mel0601 · October 2015

I found when I had my son, it really puts ALOT of things into perspective. Prepare yourself for the fact your are going to lose ALOT of friends! It's just the way it is. What's important to them is not longer an interest for you and what's nowbecome important to you, (how often your baby poops, feeds, number of hours of sleep, when they first smile, first giggle and so on,) is just not important to them!
Find some new mamas in a mothers group and start connecting with them!

LaurenNewph · October 2015

As someone who was that non-parent for a long time I can tell you that they mean no harm! If you don't have kids you just don't get it, but that doesn't mean their issues are any less than ours... They're just different. I lost a few really good friends when they had kids and it was really hurtful to me because I tried really hard to be a part of their lives, but all of the sudden it was like I wasn't good enough to be friends with them. Imagine every time you mentioned being tired/ aggravated/ stressed/ annoyed being treated like you're silly or a child. I'm not saying this is how you're being, just how this is how I was treated, and it made me feel like crap! If I heard one more time "just wait until you have kids," I may have gone nuts. As for the "advice" they're probably just trying to be involved and really just don't know how! I would hate going to parties or gatherings and being treated like a second class citizen because I was childless... I've been in rooms where the parents flat out ignored everyone who wasn't a parent, and it was very hurtful!

Sorry this is so long but it's 2:40 and I can't quite develop a thought clearly!

thinkpink101 · October 2015

That does not sound like a good day, sorry!
My advice is to try to cut your childless friends some slack. Just because their issues seem insignificant to you at the moment doesn't mean that they are to them. I remember having my first and thinking how much more difficult things were all of a sudden, just going to the store became this ordeal! However now I'm on #4 and I kind of can't believe I ever thought having one child was tough. It's all about perspective. Just because it was easier having one doesn't mean I still didn't have hard days back then!

mamadeez · October 2015

Complaining about getting out of a parking garage wouldn't strike me as important before having a kid, haha. Maybe it's just got you hyper irritated right now because you didn't notice it before. Small talk about trivial problems might just be too much right now. Try getting deeper - ask them questions about life and their goals. Re introduce yourself to their core instead of their daily surface issues.

theglitteredpterodactyl · October 2015

leonadeez said:
Complaining about getting out of a parking garage wouldn't strike me as important before having a kid, haha. Maybe it's just got you hyper irritated right now because you didn't notice it before. Small talk about trivial problems might just be too much right now. Try getting deeper - ask them questions about life and their goals. Re introduce yourself to their core instead of their daily surface issues.

This is great advice. Also it sounds like you had just a crappy day, I'm sorry!

Mewkie · October 2015

I'm sorry to hear about your car door hitting your incision. Ouch! I hurt just thinking about it. Hope it's feelng better. As the childless friend and family member for many years I guess I can see both sides. Before children you have no idea the worry and sleepless nights that come with parenthood. It's something that can't be explained, you just have to experience it. Now as a parent, sometimes non kid issues can seem trivial but I try to keep it in perspective for those people. That is their reality. The advice from non parents can be annoying though. I agree! i try take it in stride and know one day if they become parents they will understand. Once you're getting a little rest it may not be so irritating. A quick funny story. A non parent friend came for a visit the other day (from out of town) and needed a nap mid visit because she was so tired from only sleeping 5 hours the night before! Haha. I have a 1 1/2 year old and a 2 week old and 5 solid hours of sleep would be glorious for me. I had to laugh,

ForeverEverAfter · October 2015

Sounds like a bad start to a day! I can see both sides, I did and said some stupid things before kids. I put my BFF's son FFing in my car at 11 mo (I didn't know better) and had many opinions about his sleeping and eating. I was the 2nd to have kids and wow-what an eye opener!!

The nice thing-friendships are fluid. As long as there's no huge blowup, friends come and go. You'll find yourself growing closer to Mommy friends now, and as your childless friends have (or want) kids they'll come back around. 3 years later, there's only 2 friends I'd say I "lost" because of kids. And while it really hurt at the time, I'm over it.

JessicaS0914 · October 2015

thinkpink101 said:

That does not sound like a good day, sorry! My advice is to try to cut your childless friends some slack. Just because their issues seem insignificant to you at the moment doesn't mean that they are to them. I remember having my first and thinking how much more difficult things were all of a sudden, just going to the store became this ordeal! However now I'm on #4 and I kind of can't believe I ever thought having one child was tough. It's all about perspective. Just because it was easier having one doesn't mean I still didn't have hard days back then!

I was just discussing this with my husband this weekend. Having a toddler around, I think of how easy it would be to get things done if baby was the only one to tote around. However, I remember how difficult it seemed when I DID just have one, I think we put in all the effort we have into the situation we are currently in. One kid wass the hardest thing ever, until I had 2, which is now the hardest thing ever. I'm sure the moms of 3+ giggle at me, and if I ever got there, I would look back, too, and say "I had no idea". It's all about our own reality. Same for those without kids. Though I won't say I didn't roll my eyes when we got a text from another couple friend asking if we wanted to go out to dinner....on a Saturday Night...at 8. Ummm, no.

eah325 · October 2015

Great advice. I try to keep in mind that my experiences are no more (painful, tiring, stressful, etc) than the person next to me... Because whatever they're experiencing could be the worst (enter emotion here) that they've ever experienced. It's not fair of me to demean their life experiences just like it wouldn't be fair for someone to demean mine. It sounds like your friends are trying, so I would cut them some slack.

I apply this same advice to my husband. I wouldn't get mad at him for saying he's tired right now--- because we both are tired. And I don't think it's fair to minimize his tiredness because it is the most exhaustion he's ever experienced. It doesn't matter that I may be more tired than him...

tlc11934 · October 2015

I hope your day gets better. I tend to just tune out those suggestions. I was also in my late twenties with my first and was the first if my group with a kid. Most if my friends stopped calling me completely. The ones that did have advice on bedtime, sleeping arrangements, etc didn't understand how a baby plus a full time job is different than just working. Putting my kid to bed at 7pm wouldn't work because that's dinner time in my house. I get home at 6:30! Some of my friends are still "waiting to have kids" and we're 34 and they're still traveling the world and enjoying life. I don't expect them to understand my life.

jene10e · October 2015

I had complained to my childless friend about recovering from my c-section a little over a week ago. I told her how recovering hasn't been easy and she then told me, "oh I know how that is"! How the hell does she know how hard recovering from a c-section is?
I also have a friend that I've known for 21 years that hardly talks to me. He's been there through everything for me and now it's like I'm nonexistent. It's so frustrating that just cause I now have a baby, I am not worth talking to. Maybe our friendship will make it, but I dunno. I haven't changed who I am.
This is bewildering to me that childless friends can be either so petty or such know it alls when it comes to kids. Sigh...

snowflake2214 · October 2015

I was one of the last of my friends to have kids. After years of being child free I had no idea the challenges of parenthood. Totally agree you have no clue until you experience it. However I say try to maintain some of those friendships because their schedules will be more open when u are at the point of wanting a happy hour or night out. Trying to coordinate schedules with other mothers can sometimes be a mission impossible. Common ground may be harder to find but not impossible. Even as a mom I don't always want to talk about mommy things and welcome the entertainment of other life stories.

dmland17 · October 2015

I was on the phone with my sister, who doesn't have kids, today. One of the first things she said was that she was tired. I giggled on the other end of the line and she quickly said "I'm sure it's nothing like caring for a baby tired." I'm exhausted, but I'm trying to maintain a sense of humor. It helps that it was my sister so we can completely speak our minds with each other without fear of being offensive.

AmandaNacora · October 2015

I get unsolicited and WRONG advice (someone actually suggested putting a blanket OVER LOs face!) from parents and non-parents. I got tired of being polite and nodding, so if they want to tell me something I'm doing is wrong, or that I should do things a certain way I just give them a death stare and tell them I like doing it my way, and that's what works for us. Usually they shut up and don't offer anymore advice.

verveine407 · October 2015

I think it is natural for friendships to ebb and flow over time. Maybe as these friends start to have kids of their own things will be closer again. I thought I lost a bunch of friends after having a baby (particularly after one disastrous trip to the beach!) but it just turned out they came around again once they had kids. Soon enough they had some idea of the leaky boobs, diapers, etc. and I was out of the sleep deprivation phase long enough to have read a non baby book and have something to talk about besides how tired I was. There is this great book by Shasta Nelson Friendship Circles. In the meantime, mommy friends rock!

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