Baby shower etiquette questions (long)

EmmyMommy123 · October 2015

Hey ladies! I've been floating around on here for a while but have avoided posting until I changed my username. I've also posted this question on another app forum and in December, so forgive me if you're seeing this twice.

I'm looking for opinions on some shower etiquette.

Specifically, what to do when a friend or family member has already given you items (hand me down major items) or gifts?

For example my cousin gave us their crib and stroller - I want to invite them but make it clear they have been so generous already - I don't expect anything more and frankly would feel terrible if they went and spent money!

My only idea so far is to hand write a note to include in the invitations for the specific people who've given things already, something along the lines of "you have been so generous already in giving us so and so. Your presence alone would be greatly appreciated as we celebrate baby's arrival" or some other wording. Thoughts?

I also wonder about the etiquette of inviting family and friends who you know won't be able to make it (for example out of town relatives). My intention would be to have them aware of the shower and feel included/wanted, but absolutely not to make it seem like I'm asking them to send something or expecting them to make the trip. What to do? A handwritten note again? "I know you won't be able to make it and by no means am I sending this invitation as a request for a gift, I simply wanted to include you in celebrating baby's arrival!"

Ive seen posts floating around regarding the etiquette of specifically making a shower adults only. I don't want to make the shower adults only, but at the same time, I don't see the purpose in specifically inviting the children of every person invited (as I know some would then wonder if they're supposed to bring their kids when they'd rather not), yet there are some children that I'm personally close with so I would like to have there. For example - addressing an invitation to my employer (I am a nanny) AND her daughters (since I am so close to them and I would specifically want them as a part of the day), yet only addressing an invitation to my friend, not her AND her children, since I rarely see them. I wouldn't have the host tell her she couldn't bring them or anything, I just wouldn't specifically invite them along too. Does it make sense to specifically invite some but not others??

Monilee1017 · October 2015

1. For the people that already gave you a gift I would say the hand written note in prefect. 2. For the people out of town my question is what is then norm for your family? For mine everyone is invited no matter where they live because my family comes home a lot and they will plan their trip around the shower. But if your family normally doesn't invite out of town people then don't. 3. For inviting children have their names on the invitation if you want them to come. That is how the receiver knows who is and isn't invited.

jeanbug12 · October 2015

I don't think you should include a note in any of the invitations. For the people that already gave you gifts maybe just mention it to them, I bet they will want to bring a gift to your shower anyway. For out of town relatives, I actually think it would be a bit rude to include a note that says "I know you can't come"... what if they can and would like to, now they may feel like the invitation was only a formality and you don't really want them there. And for the kids, if you want them there put them on the invite, people may bring very young kids not on the invitation but if they are older kids, they probably will not bring them if they are not on the invite.

Achae · October 2015

Etiquette says not to dictate people to buy/not buy gifts. You can tell them in person but don't make a separate invite imo.

I also think you can make the shower all adults or leave the option to bring kids. It seems odd to me to pick and choose and can come across as a slight to other guests.

I'm also curious, why are you doing the invites and not your host?

EmmyMommy123 · October 2015

Thanks for the input!

I would try and come across as grateful in the note, not as dictating.

The reason I would include a note for people who aren't able to come (and they are people I KNOW aren't able to come - aged relatives in other countries, people with family commitments) would be to a - not exclude them and b - make them aware I'm not trying to gift grab by sending them an invite when I'm totally aware they're not able to come. I agree I will talk to both sides of the family to figure out what the best etiquette would be respectively.

The kids thing isn't meant to be as a slight - if you read my intentions - it's meant to be so people don't feel obligated to bring their kids, but for people who's kids would be involved without question, they aren't then feeling like the kids are outright excluded. I wouldn't actively exclude kids. I'll again talk to the families and see what would be most appropriate for their group.

I'm doing the invitations with help from the host because I'm the connecting point between all the different groups of people attending (it's going to be one big shower), and I want to make sure that what is done reflects my intentions. Everything will be with my hosts name on it, I'm just coordinating logistics. Because people have personally dealt with me on some things, I would personally reach out to them. I'm very involved in the shower, which is completely normal within my family and friends, so don't worry - no etiquette police are going to come after me

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Baby shower etiquette questions (long)

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