Freaking Out

clairesmommabear · October 2015

As some of you have read in my previous posts, my husband has been considering divorcing me. This has been the most stressful and painful point in my life. After last night I had to make a huge decision that I never wanted to make.

I caught him in a lie about where he was. He said he was with a guy friend watching football, when in fact he was at a female coworker's house. This obviously led to a very painful conversation. He said he had not cheated, but has considered it many times with different people. Though he claimed never with this woman. He admitted that he didn't feel bad for lying either. (Cue angry pregnant woman. I guess anger is better than sorrow right now.)

Eventually we had to just stop talking because it was so late. We went back to go to bed and I climbed in, and he said he was going to sleep on the couch. I begged him to stay, despite how angry and hurt I was. It was just another rejection from him and it was brutal.

He left anyway and as much as I tried not to, I started sobbing. Then began hyperventilating (something I've never experienced before). I couldn't breathe and I started calling for him when my vision blurred and went double. He actually had to get a paper bag to get me to breathe, and I almost passed out from the whole ordeal.

Needless to say, I was panicked. I begged him to stay with me because I was afraid it would happen again. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to wake him. I couldn't get the paper bag to work on my own and he had had to help me, so if it happened again and he didn't hear I don't even want to know what would have happened.

Luckily it didn't happen again, but when I woke up today I realized just how emotionally and physically taxing this has been on me. I shouldn't be dealing with this so close to having a baby. Also, my daughter (2 yrs) deserves better than to be in such a tense environment.

So I packed our stuff and we are staying with my mother until my husband snaps back to reality. He wants to consider leaving? Fine. See what it's like to have to do all the house work and not get to hug your little girl at night. See how lonely it is. See what it's like not to have the woman who would do anything for you there with dinner. See how he likes it in reality.

So unless he commits to work on this, and stop with the lies and actually communicate with me, he will be alone.

I hope he realizes what he's missing soon, because I'm freaking out and it is taking everything in me to keep from going home right now. But I finally accepted the fact that I need to look out for my well-being and my children's first. Today was by far the hardest day of my life. I just need to figure out how I'm supposed to keep going like this.

If you stuck with me this far thank you. I just really need support anywhere I can get it.

Sballerina · October 2015

@clairesmommabear : Wow. That is so rough to handle at any time, let alone in your ninth month of pregnancy. I am glad you are ok after the hyoerventilating episode! Props to you for talking with him and not stonewalling. I hope and pray your husband has a serious, permanent change of heart, and that together you can work toward having a marriage full of love and respect.

Raijapatterson · October 2015

Wow that is just such an awful decision to have to make and especially at this point in your life and pregnancy. I hope you realize that you and your children deserve to be put first, no matter what he does. You keep your head up and keep string for you and your children. All my best

tracij12 · October 2015

Good for you!!!! I sincerely hope he snaps out of it, but regardless, you should feel so proud of yourself for putting you and your kids first. I am sure you want to reach out to him every minute, but stay strong and use your little girl as motivation. If you don't believe you deserve better, you have to know that she does!!

pinkj4182 · October 2015

I remember your previous post and made a comment on it with a perspective from a child of a tumultuous marriage. I would like to say I am proud of you. You stood up for yourself and your babies. It takes a strong person to do what you did and you did it. The hard part, I'm sure it doesn't seem that way currently, is over. Don't bend, don't crawl back to him, don't listen to promises. You need proof of change before going back. YOU can not change him, your babies can not change him, HE needs to change, he needs to want it.
Stay strong. Keep your head up for those babies and yourself. Go out, do something special with your little one. Take time for yourself to relax. Take your mind off of things for a while, it will help put things into perspective. Best of luck to you.

angela_angel · October 2015

Aw Sweetie, I'm so sorry this is happening. Not that the timing of a split is ever good, but while you are so very pregnant has to be the worst possible time! You are doing the right thing by putting you and your children first. I hate to say it, but he is an ass hat, and you can do SO much better!!!

jefinley1 · October 2015

I am so sorry that this is happening to you right now, but know that you're doing the right thing. I hope you ended up seeking out some help for just you from a professional. That sounds like a hardcore panic attack to me, which is understandable, but I definitely want to make sure that you have someone who can help you process in a healthy way.

sarahewilliams118 · October 2015

Praying for your marriage. Although it feels hopeless, there is no such thing as a hopeless situation. Pray that God will restore your marriage and pray for the heart of your husband to be changed. Know that you cannot change his heart, but that the Lord can. It WILL happen and you will have a stronger marriage because of it! I am so sorry you are going through this at all, especially at this timing! Just love on your sweet daughter, and know it will be okay! Also, take a nice bubble bath, drink a glass of wine, read a good book, and relax as much as you can!

Hugs and prayers coming your way!!

sarahewilliams118 · October 2015

By drink a glass of wine I mean a small glass of red wine if recommended by a doctor

or some sparkling water, tea, etc

Lol

sarapagan · October 2015

Good for you. As difficult and painful as it might be, you're being strong. One day, you'll be able to talk to your daughter about boys and situations like this and telling her about a time that was so hard for you, but you stuck it out for the benefit of yourself and your beautiful babies! I hope it all works out the way you want, and I admire you for being so strong as to leave and let him know what he's missing. Lots of hugs and positive energy coming your way. Good luck.

midge519 · October 2015

I"m so very proud of you!! I'm glad you are standing strong and doing what you need to for you and your children. No matter the outcome of your relationship your daughter will always know that Mommy did what was best for herself and for her and you will raise a strong independent daughter. Your baby will know once he makes his entrance and grows as well but right now you are setting such a great example for her. Take any and all the time you need for you right now and please don't reach out to him. If he wants to make it work he needs to work at it as well. You're doing amazing! I know separating is hard in any way and if you need someone to talk to please know we are all here for you!

jefinley1 · October 2015

sarahewilliams118 said:

Praying for your marriage. Although it feels hopeless, there is no such thing as a hopeless situation. Pray that God will restore your marriage and pray for the heart of your husband to be changed. Know that you cannot change his heart, but that the Lord can. It WILL happen and you will have a stronger marriage because of it! I am so sorry you are going through this at all, especially at this timing! Just love on your sweet daughter, and know it will be okay! Also, take a nice bubble bath, drink a glass of wine, read a good book, and relax as much as you can! Hugs and prayers coming your way!!

While I think this is well intended, please know that people only change if they want to. Whether it be because of God or other influences in your husband's life, he'll only change if he chooses change and it is entirely on him to do so. I've seen this mentality, of God changing someone's heart, and allowing spirituality to be part of the healing process in a marriage, be incredibly wonderful for both partners. I've also seen this mentality pushed to keep women in horrible and abusive marriages because they're being told that they're giving up and not having faith if they leave. Some marriages don't get stronger, they just get worse, no matter how much you pray. It's a lot harder to hear that than "It WILL happen" but I have dear friends who have had this mentality, blamed themselves for God not transforming their marriage, and ended up staying way too long in situations that got progressively more damaging to them and their children. They were bearing the burden for someone else's behavior out of some idea that faith would fix it. Please know that if it DOESN'T happen, there is a happy life after that, even if it isn't the wonderful idea of your husband turning around. Ending it sooner than later if it continues to be as unhealthy as it has been will just allow you to find that light at the end of the tunnel sooner.

Having followed your experience, I feel like you're getting to the point where leaving for a while is a good idea, getting help for yourself is a good idea, and putting a time frame on his turn around with very specific boundaries and standards for his progression that must be maintained if you are going to pursue healing the marriage is a good idea.

KLHauck12 · October 2015

I'm so sorry you have to go through this right now. How awful. I am glad that you are doing what is best for yourself and your children, despite how hard it is. While it would be wonderful if he came to his senses and wanted to work on your marriage (because I don't believe the commitment of marriage is something to take lightly...I hope that he doesn't come crawling back just because he doesn't like taking care of himself. That wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve a man who wants to be an equal partner in a loving marriage, not someone who wants a woman to cook & clean for him. If he does come back, I encourage you to require counseling to work through everything or you may find that it just returns to the same problems. Hoping everything works out!

Wigglesx2 · October 2015

Wow. You're so strong. I'm so proud of you. I have no advice but I pray everything works out in the best way possible for you.

mjudson5 · October 2015

Wishing you strength!

clairesmommabear · October 2015

Thank you all for your support! As difficult as this is I can already see DD feeling better, more carefree. I know I just need to stick to my guns until there is a real commitment from him. Also, as it has been mentioned and I have not addressed it yet, I am seeking counseling and will have my first meeting on Thursday. I know that it is necessary for me to continue in any type of healthy way. Now to figure out what to do with myself and this new free time... (My mom won't let me lift a finger right now, which is so weird for me!)

violetgin · October 2015

How sucky that you should have to go through this right now. You sound like a great partner and mother, and it's really too bad that he takes that for granted. Some people just don't know how good they have it. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to leave, but it sounds like you're putting yourself and your kiddo first, and that's what's most important. I'm so glad the transition is working, and that you have such a supportive family. I wish you so much luck in counseling, and I hope everything works out for the best of you and your kiddos. Stay strong!

tessaW21 · October 2015

@clairesmommabear My heart genuinely goes out to you!! I can ONLY imagine what it's like to be forsaken by your husband. When I got pregnant, my boyfriend went around saying the baby wasn't his and to this day, he still doesn't claim him. I'm being induced later tonight and it hurts that I don't have that significant other for support; however, I've grown to accept that he just isn't worth me stressing about. Back to the point, you have two beautiful children who are depending on you. I really pray that he gets his act together and that you get through this. I'll be praying for you. There's really not much more I can say.... but I'm very sorry!!!! Thank God you have support from your mother. I'm ever so grateful for the support my family gives me! Sending prayers your way!!

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