Different jobs, different states....now baby

sarahjo8 · October 2015

Hi all! My husband and I currently live in different states, due to requirements to complete training for our professions. It's temporary, and is supposed to end next August, but lo and behold I found out we are pregnant with our first the week after I moved! I'm in a new state, where I know no one, so it's been tough doing this basically alone. Since I'm further along in my career than my husband it would be much easier for me to resign my job to move back to him, but I'm obviously nervous to take that risky career move. My husband very much wants the decision to be mine, so trust me, this is not coming from a selfish plsce on his part. I just don't think I want to do this alone, and have him miss out on all the joy of this experience. Have any other working mom's had to make this decision before? Or any that had to do their pregnancy solo? I'm so torn!

daphne814 · October 2015

Oh gosh! I haven't been in this position personally, but I can imagine how hard it is. I bet there are lots of military wives who could give some advice on going it alone, but ultimately it will be up to you. What does your heart say?

dshannah · October 2015

Find people where you are and bring people to you. Once the pregnancy is more advanced, or as soon as you're comfortable, talk to your employers: I can assure you this won't be the first time they've dealt with this. And you'll be giving birth before the contract is over, so something will have to give. It also depends how far apart you are from your husband. 3 hour drive? No problem unless the pregnancy is really hard. Hubby can come to appointments, you can see each other on weekends. 8-hour drive not so much.

I haven't done this myself, but I've seen friends (grad school) do it and make it work.

A friend in a situation very similar to yours had her mother come and stay with her while her husband was gone for the year, and she had just started her (very demanding) dream job in a new place. She said it was certainly not ideal, but it worked and now both she and her husband have the careers they want and the family they want. Also, she made friends through a local birth group that she's had now for years. Happy ending!

FireInWonderland · October 2015

Personally, though I'm not quite in the same boat, I chose to leave school temporarily and be with my husband during my pregnancy. But I actually have a kind of needy personality and no family in the area. We live across the continent from everyone and my parents and his can't be around to help out because of travel costs and work schedules. I'm also a military spouse and that changes some things, but I know when things settle I will go back and finish nursing school. I guess what I'm saying is - do what's right for you and what you know will work out in the long run best for you and your family. Good luck and keep us posted!

mrstmoose · October 2015

I'm not in the situation that you are in but I couldn't imagine doing this without my husband. You need to do what's right for each of you and your LO. Good luck!

josie12367 · October 2015

I am a military wife, and my husband will be gone for this entire pregnancy, and may miss the birth as well. This is our second, but he was thankfully here for our first. I think it is doable to do the pregnancy on your own, but the birth and the first few weeks after are SO tough. My DH told me that the moment he became a father, and actually felt a connection to our daughter was the moment he first held her in his arms. For him the pregnancy was just "eh." He could feel her kicks and hiccups obviously, and knew that he loved her, but it wasn't real for him until she was born. I think you should talk to your DH about this. He may feel the same, and so missing the pregnancy may not be a "deal breaker" for him. If so, then you could try to complete your training before the birth.

Is there any way to speed up the process and complete it before August? Or can you take a couple of months off for the birth, and then go back to finish? Now if you just don't want to do this on your own, then that's a different story. Luckily you have the ability to make that choice. I would say talk to the people providing the training, and see what options you have for completing it. If the options don't suit you, then follow your heart. You can always come back to it at a later time....BUT a word of caution: being separated before having children is so much easier than being separated after having children. Completing training like this where your family will be split will be much harder later down the road because then one of you will have to do everything on your own with your LO: daycare, appointments, sick care, etc. while the other will miss everything.

Good luck with your decision! It's not an easy one by any means...

sarahjo8 · October 2015

Thank you all for your advice and support! It is indeed an 8 hour trip for us, so the two times I've had to go to the ER so far (I've had some bleeding) I've had to go alone. That was hard. My mom has stayed with me the past couple weeks and, while wonderful, isn't a long-term solution as she lives and works almost 6 hours away. My husband very much wants to be a part of this--he has been SO ready to have a baby and this is possibly going to be our only.

The point about my training contract is a good one. Since I'm due in May, what would happen (and I've discussed this already with my supervisor) is that I could take up to 3 months (unpaid) leave (which would take us to mid-August) and then I would have to come BACK, another long-distance move to make up the 3 months. If my husband's new job starts in August he could try to get paternity leave, but there is the chance I'd have to come back here alone with a 3 month old baby and try to work a full-time job. I don't even see how that's feasible. I couldn't afford to pay my rent here while I'm on leave so would have to move all my stuff to my husbands and then move enough back that I had a working apartment for 3 months and then move it again! I just don't see how that would realistically play out. So if I didn't come back, I wouldn't finish my contract anyways, so why stay here the whole pregnancy alone if the end goal can't be met? I'm just not sure why, above and beyond perhaps an unrealistic fear that my career will be damaged irreparably.

josie12367 · October 2015

You could store your stuff while on your break to have the baby, that way you're not paying rent, or having to drag it back and forth. You could start looking for daycare options now, and get on a waiting list for that. Coming from someone who has made it more than three months alone with a kiddo....you can totally do this! Yes, three months is a long time, but if the reaching the goal at the end of your training is important for your career, it might be worth it. You and DH could always meet up at the halfway point on weekends, or time off. There's Skype, and tons of ways to stay in contact.....though I know the day to day life with baby is super important, and i'm not trying to minimize that time that would be missed together. I'm just saying that three months in the big picture is a drop in the bucket.

Right now all this information is so new. Give it a little bit to sink in. Get out of the first trimester, and then make your decision. You have plenty of time to plan this out, do research on your options, and either make it work, or be confident in your decision to not do this training. Just don't rush the decision now, because I know how overwhelmed you feel at the moment.

josie12367 · October 2015

You could store your stuff while on your break to have the baby, that way you're not paying rent, or having to drag it back and forth. You could start looking for daycare options now, and get on a waiting list for that. Coming from someone who has made it more than three months alone with a kiddo....you can totally do this! Yes, three months is a long time, but if the reaching the goal at the end of your training is important for your career, it might be worth it. You and DH could always meet up at the halfway point on weekends, or time off. There's Skype, and tons of ways to stay in contact.....though I know the day to day life with baby is super important, and i'm not trying to minimize that time that would be missed together. I'm just saying that three months in the big picture is a drop in the bucket.

Right now all this information is so new. Give it a little bit to sink in. Get out of the first trimester, and then make your decision. You have plenty of time to plan this out, do research on your options, and either make it work, or be confident in your decision to not do this training. Just don't rush the decision now, because I know how overwhelmed you feel at the moment.

katykatykaty · October 2015

As someone whose career has suffered because of choices I've made related to being pregnant and having kids, I think it just comes down to what's more important to you. Honestly, I think your career would suffer (at least temporarily) if you moved now, but that was the right choice for me and sounds like it might be for you as well.

dshannah · October 2015

You can do this, I am sure, but you don't have to.

I am mostly posting to say f*** this sh*t: why don't we have actual freaking maternity leave policies in this country?

katykatykaty · October 2015

dshannah said:
You can do this, I am sure, but you don't have to.

I am mostly posting to say f*** this sh*t: why don't we have actual freaking maternity leave policies in this country?

I change my answer to this.

sarahjo8 · October 2015

katykatykaty said:

You can do this, I am sure, but you don't have to. I am mostly posting to say f*** this sh*t: why don't we have actual freaking maternity leave policies in this country?
I change my answer to this.

Haha, I totally agree. I know I CAN do this. I have certainly made my fair share of sacrifices for my career (for instance, hubby and I were separated all year last year for the same reason). In the end, career has always taken the front seat to family, friends, social life, general well-being, etc. My degree is fully completed, this year of training is not required for me. Yes, it does make me more competitive for jobs, but it's certainly not a necessary step. I've had the wonderful fortune of having many opportunities to build my competitiveness in grad school and have no doubt that I could continue on after a year off. There is also plenty I can do with a "gap year" that will demonstrate to employers that I didn't just take a luxurious vacation year, haha. I guess it's obvious that my heart, and even my mind, at this point are leaning heavily in the direction of moving home. I suppose I am just very stressed of the unknown and the uncertainty that comes with such a big decision. But, I also have a feeling that if I stay, and my husband misses all of this, I will regret it in the long run.

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