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January 2016 Moms
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Extremely Stressful Situation - Could Use Advice Please!

maureenmcemaureenmce member
in January 2016 Moms
Hi all, I just ended up in the craziest, most unexpected situation.  My oldest friend since freshman year in college texted me yesterday saying her boyfriend hit her.  I told her to come over immediately and she and her dogs stayed the night with my husband and I last night.  Through tears she told me that he had pinned her down and hurt her arm the night before, then punched her that day.  She found out he was cheating (again) and he lost it when she texted the other woman in the relationship.  Sadly, like in many abusive relationships, she has been with him long enough that he has emotionally beaten her down to the point that she has almost no survival instinct left.  She told me last night she doesn't care if he hits her again or if he kills her.  She confessed that a couple of weeks ago she cut her wrist badly enough she had to go to the ER and get stitches.  (Something her lovely boyfriend called "pathetic.")  Obviously, this is a horrific situation. 

Today, when my husband and I left to run an errand she disappeared, taking all of her stuff and her dogs.  When I reached out to her she said she has gone back to the apartment to pack up her things into boxes (but not move them anywhere yet because she hasn't decided where to go.)  But when I pressed her and told her I was coming over, she confessed that her boyfriend was on the way, that they were going to talk alone and that she absolutely did not want me coming over.

She has begged me not to call the police.  She does not want to press charges about him punching her.  I am beside myself because I am scared of escalating the situation with an already violent, abusive and unpredictable guy.  My husband is at work now and will be until 10pm, so I am on my own and trying to decide whether to go over there, call the police and have them do a welfare check, or wait until they are done talking, at which point she has promised to call me. 

Honestly, I am terrified of going over there, both because this guy is violent and I don't want to put myself at risk while pregnant, but also because I am scared he's going to harm my friend, or my friend is going to harm herself.  This is a lot to handle on my own at the moment and with the pregnancy hormones and she has begged me not to tell anyone else.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  I feel out of my depth in this situation, as I have never dealt with a violent relationship before.  I just don't want to make things worse.  
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Re: Extremely Stressful Situation - Could Use Advice Please!

  • tangelic3tangelic3 member
    this sounds like an emotional roller coaster, and with being pregnant you've got to be really careful especially around someone you know to be violent. this sounds like something you may want to ask the police or therapist about advice? I don't want to sound rude, I just don't think the bump is a good place to try to find advice for something like that. Hope all goes well.
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  • Knottie1452445632Knottie1452445632 member
    edited October 2015
    Omg poor you that's a lot to take on. I personally would talk to someone about the situation that's not involved.

    I suggest you call the Samaritans ASAP and get some advice - both for you and for your friend. You need to be in a calm non-stressful situation for the sake of your baby. There's a lot of research into stress and how it affects the fetus (not that you should worry about that as that defeats the whole idea).

    Anyway get some unbiased advice and go from there.

    Also call your husband at work and explain how you are feeling and how worried you are for her and for you and that you are feeling desperate.

    DO NOT go round there as I think that is a recipe for disaster - I understand that you are frightened for your friend but in your situation you need to think of yourself and your baby first. Imagine how you'd feel if anything happened to your baby (not a nice thought sorry - just Some perspective that's all).

    Good luck and love to you xxx
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  • claireloSCclaireloSC member
    Honestly there isn't much you can do. Please don't go over there and put yourself in danger. Calling the cops is useless if she doesn't want to pursue charges, because they will just leave when she tells them she's fine. Maybe you can find some resources online that you can share with her or a hotline might help get her motivated to leave. Perhaps you could also contact a local women's shelter or social worker and see if they have resources or advice for you. Ultimately your friend has to decide to leave.
    Baby Birthday Ticker TickerMarried DW <3 08.2013; AI 2x; IUI 6x; IUI #7 05.2015; DD born 2.2016 o:); Reciprocal IVF FET #1 on 11.18.2020 
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  • maureenmcemaureenmce member
    Thanks for the input, ladies.  I know this is outside of the scope of the bump message boards for sure, I was just feeling really isolated with not being able to tell our mutual friends what was going on and with my husband at work, so I appreciate the advice.  I decided not to go over there.  I notified her family about what is going on, so now her parents and older sister are involved and I don't feel as much pressure.  She has been in contact and is okay and will be coming back over to stay tonight, at which point I'm going to point her in the direction of domestic violence resources and just hope she follows through on that end.  Really sad situation and definitely stressful with pregnancy hormones (I have cried a LOT today!) but I won't put myself in at any risk while trying to help her.

    Thanks again, everyone.  
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  • juju0592juju0592 member
    1) do not go over there. You are pregnant and need to worry about yourself and that baby first. 2) if she doesn't want to change her situation, then you cannot make her. All you can do is pray.
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  • Leah6120Leah6120 member
    What pp said.. if she won't press charges there is really nothing you can do about it except maybe take pictures of her injuries when you have the opportunity. Save texts where she discusses the injuries/incidents.. etc. They would be valuable if she did decide to do something about it down the road. Just be there for her and let her know that she has a safe place to be when she needs it.
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  • AchaeAchae member
    Let the police handle this and continue to offer your support in any way you can. Even if she says she doesn't want to press charges she may change her mind or the police may refer charges depending on circumstances. Do not involve yourself w the potential violent man.
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  • EC2016EC2016 member
    1800-799-safe is the national domestic violence hotline. Either you can call for advice or pass the number to your friend for when she is ready. The most dangerous time for a survivor is when they choose to leave. If she wants to leave she needs to have a plan. Make sure she has needed documents like ID, SS card, birth certificate so nothing is left behind. She can also hide an emergency bag somewhere if she needs to get out fast at some point. Her best bet may be to leave when he is at work. But definitely do not put yourself in an unsafe situation. She needs to make the decision on her own and although she is stuck in this cycle right now she did reach out for a reason. Just don't push, only be a supportive person there to ensure safety and emotional support. Good luck.
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  • Samiya64Samiya64 member
    Totally agree with this!! Do not put yourself and your baby at risk!
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  • Samiya64Samiya64 member
    Mumtobe+4 said:

    Omg poor you that's a lot to take on. I personally would talk to someone about the situation that's not involved.

    I suggest you call the Samaritans ASAP and get some advice - both for you and for your friend. You need to be in a calm non-stressful situation for the sake of your baby. There's a lot of research into stress and how it affects the fetus (not that you should worry about that as that defeats the whole idea).

    Anyway get some unbiased advice and go from there.

    Also call your husband at work and explain how you are feeling and how worried you are for her and for you and that you are feeling desperate.

    DO NOT go round there as I think that is a recipe for disaster - I understand that you are frightened for your friend but in your situation you need to think of yourself and your baby first. Imagine how you'd feel if anything happened to your baby (not a nice thought sorry - just Some perspective that's all).

    Good luck and love to you xxx

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  • essentialpeaceessentialpeace member
    Along with what PP have said, I would suggest documenting any bruising or marks left by her SO by taking pictures. Make sure to email it to either yourself or a made up email so you have a date/time stamp. If she does decide to press charges, she needs documentation. It makes a world of difference if she has evidence in the long run. Like others have said, it has to be her choice.

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  • haileeshailees member
    Here's a great link with information on how to help a friend from the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

    https://www.thehotline.org/help/help-for-friends-and-family/
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  • maureenmcemaureenmce member
    Thank you so much, guys.  This is all really helpful info.  Her family is coming out to help now, but in the meantime I will definitely save all texts and take pictures of her injuries.

    Thanks again, guys.  I know this is not typical Bump stuff, but it's been really helpful.  And again, I won't go over there, don't worry!
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