Friend expects me to go on cruise 2 weeks postpartum

LTHopeful · October 2015

Hi all!
So I've been lurking since ttc 2 years ago, and finally got so frustrated that I had to come on here and vent. So a good friend of mine is supposed to be getting married.

She's paying the whole thing since future hubby hasnt had a job since they got together, and so she's basically claimed carte blanche when it comes to picking the date.

Anyhow, I've been keeping to myself with this pregnancy because I've lost two babies already and this is the furthest I've made it so I'm extremely sensitive and protective and she keeps making jokes about how the father isn't who i say it is and referring to me as "baby mama" which I've repeatedly asked her not to do.

Thus far she's changed the wedding date 4 times already. Now she texts me and tells me she's planned the wedding this time around me because she wants me to be the maid of honor. Then she tells me it'll be on a cruise two weeks after my due date.

Now we're both nurses, so I'm wondering where she thinks I'll find it acceptable to go away on a cruise immediately after giving birth...and who does she think I'll be letting watch my newborn for a week because I most certainly wouldn't be taking a new baby on a boat.

And she's already bought her tickets and expects me to get a passport and do the same. Seriously wtf?

pinottoparenthood · October 2015

That's completely unreasonable. I would explain very sweetly and kindly to your friend that although you are flattered that she tried to choose a date that would work for you, your body will still be healing, your milk will be coming in/adjusting to baby's appetite, your baby will not be ready to be apart from you for a week (and definitely not on a cruise ship, newborns aren't supposed to be around large crowds because of their lack of immune systems). Tell her that you love her and you are so sad but you won't be able to make it. And honestly if she doesn't understand, she's a selfish friend and I'm not sure if you need that in your life. I'm thinking this is your first child... your life is going to change SO MUCH. You don't need friends who will guilt/pressure you and don't understand why PARENTING is the most important thing now.

Sorry you're dealing with this though. How frustrating.

pinottoparenthood · October 2015

If you have to, tell her that your doctor said you can't travel so far/for so long that close to giving birth. I mean it's probably true anyway, both for your sake and for the baby's.

littlesocks · October 2015

Wow. She sounds like a terrible friend. I hope she has some redeeming qualities.
Expecting you to leave your newborn two weeks after your due date is ridiculous. Also, what if you give labor late and/or have a c-section and not only need your time with your newborn, but also need time to recover. Or what if you plan on breastfeeding?

You just need to be honest with her. I'd like to say she'd probably understand, but she doesn't sound like the type.

Good luck. I hope you can get out of it because as much as you are against going now, you'll be 10X more against it once baby is here.

rebelone · October 2015

Wow. If that was me, I would tell her no to everything right away and remind her you'll be giving birth and you are staying home to bond with your baby.

LTHopeful · October 2015

Its very frustrating because she knows I'm in high alert with this baby anyway and to top it off I started a new lower paying job and moved into a bigger place about 3 days before I found out I was pregnant AND the baby's father disappeared on me. She thought it was okay to joke about it "well its probably this other guys baby anyway" which as a nurse she knows is impossible because the 2 relationships were 2 months apart and its really not possible to not know who the father is and I feel like joking about it is inappropriate.

And I've asked her not to joke about that because the other guy was an ass and he cheated and then lied on me to all my friends including her and talked disrespectfully behind my back. So I just havent been talking to her to keep my stress level down. I found out about the date she picked on facebook

akb1125 · October 2015

I backed out of being in a friends wedding that's scheduled for April 30th and I'm due April 18th. There's no way I'd go on a cruise! The first couple weeks after having a baby are tough and I'm planning on nursing so I just didn't think it would be feasible to be gone all day so soon after the birth.

Daniep08 · October 2015

Wow, that sounds so unreasonable! Is she listening or really thinking of you at all? Sorry that she's not being a supportive friend! I'm pretty sure cruise lines won't let you take newborns anyway.....there's an easy way out!

mrstmoose · October 2015

***lurking from May BMB***

She sounds like a pretty rotten friend. I would tell her thanks, but no thanks. There's no way you can leave your newborn or take them with you, especially internationally.

LTHopeful · October 2015

I'm kind of wondering if she isn't doing it on purpose

ImpatientPatty · October 2015

I'm sorry but I don't think this person is your friend at all. Dump the douche!

Goldsgirl9 · October 2015

I don't think this sounds like a friend in the least. I would respectfully decline and if she no longer speaks to you after this I would count your blessings.

klingonboxer · October 2015

Speaking as someone who takes passport applications, if it's an international cruise you'll need a passport for the baby and you're almost definitely not going to be able to get one by then. You may not even have the birth certificate by then!

Dump the friend.

Wils0722 · October 2015

Being part of someone's wedding doesn't mean you're their best friend and not being a part doesn't mean you aren't their best friend. It's a time and financial commitment. With your new baby on the way sounds like you're not able to commit the time or financial investment. It also sounds like she is being very disrespectful of not only you but your child as well. I would tell her firmly that you're not able to be a part of her special day and if she's any kind of a friend she will understand. If not you're better off without her. I've had to cut a lot of toxic people out of my life and I can tell you, I'm happier, healthier and better off. Negative people who think only about themselves aren't capable of being a true friend. Best of luck to you and congrats!!!!!

elasticheart13 · October 2015

I agree with everything being said here. If she truly is your good friend she would understand why you'd chose to stay home with your newborn instead of going on a cruise. My best friend had to cancel to my wedding a week before the wedding because something major came up and while I was sad she couldn't make it, I knew it was much more important that she took care of what came in the way. And like already mentioned, what if you deliver later than your due date or you end up having a c-section? What about breastfeeding? You would be in no condition to attend the wedding regardless. She does not sound like a good friend to me and she's being very disrespectful and insensitive to you and your unborn baby.

RoseShadow873 · October 2015

I thought kids didn't need passports till they are like 10 or something

brie_and_almonds · October 2015

RoseShadow873 said:
I thought kids didn't need passports till they are like 10 or something

Definitely not true. Just travelled internationally with my two-year-old. Everybody needs a passport, even an infant.

geminioftwo · October 2015

I have a friend who is planning her wedding in April. I just told her that we'll definitely try to make it but depending on when baby comes and how hard the pregnancy is, we might not be able to if its in April. And it's a local wedding. I definitely would tell her that I wouldn't make it if it were on a cruise ship or a destination wedding. No thank you but my health and the health of my baby is much more important. FaceTime me when you say I do. Haha

kimey1 · October 2015

Wow. If I were you, I'd cut her out of my circle of friends. She should know, not only as a friend and grown woman, but as a nurse that you will be barely sleeping and bleeding with a newborn depending on you. Clearly she doesn't care about anyone but herself. Where I'm from people know that baby and parents don't leave the house or allow visitors until at least 3weeks after giving birth so the baby isnt exposed to germs directly or indirectly. To expect you to jump on a cruise with a passport is outrageous.
Life events like weddings, babies, divorces, and deaths are often when you see the true color of the people surrounding you.

Cricket99 · October 2015

*Lurker*
I have a big group of friends looking into doing a cruise when our LO is about 7 months old. Most cruise lines won't even let a baby on the boat until they are at least 6 months old. I haven't found one yet that will let a less than 6 month old on. If you are travelling internationally infants need passports too. Your friend is being totally unreasonable where you are concerned and just needs a firm,"if that is the date, I won't be attending. End of discussion." Good luck!

LTHopeful · October 2015

kimey1 said: Life events like weddings, babies, divorces, and deaths are often when you see the true color of the people surrounding you.

Amen. I'm discovering that now. I really don't understand how she think's that's considered planning around me. I don't even plan on leaving the house unless I run out of food or something insane, like it catches fire.

klingonboxer · October 2015

RoseShadow873 said:

I thought kids didn't need passports till they are like 10 or something

Nope, everyone needs one! One more good reason not to travel internationally in the last trimester.

amaniupendo · October 2015

@RoseShadow873 in most cases infants need passports. You technically can drive over at least Canadian border until a certain age (we did it at 2 months) with just a birth certificate.

GracieHart · October 2015

Honestly, the sooner you cut ties with her, the better. She sounds like a horrible friend and now is the time you need support and to surround yourself with positive people.

Move on. You'll be better off without this "friend."

pinottoparenthood · October 2015

I feel like people are being a little harsh. If your friend doesn't have a child herself, she really might not understand what it's like having a newborn. I would at least TRY to talk to her and give her a chance before assuming the worst and cutting her out of your life.

dabeezkneez · October 2015

LTHopeful said:

kimey1 said: Life events like weddings, babies, divorces, and deaths are often when you see the true color of the people surrounding you.

Amen. I'm discovering that now. I really don't understand how she think's that's considered planning around me. I don't even plan on leaving the house unless I run out of food or something insane, like it catches fire.

Maybe she's thinking of you, knowing/hoping you won't make it? Though I'm not sure why she would do that, unless she's trying to stir up something or save money? I don't know...

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