How to handle less-than-pleasant family?

Re: How to handle less-than-pleasant family?

• Sarcasm101 member

  October 2015

  Pinguinageddon said:

  My mother and I have never gotten along. She had me when she was 20, and is gloating over the fact I am now 20 and pregnant. (The difference being she got knocked up and left behind, and I'm married and ttc???????) I have tried reconciling with her since I haven't seen her in years and she recently went through divorce, but she continues to only act nice when she wants something. I want her to be able to be a part of her grandchild's life, but I'm so tired of her being a brat. Does anyone have any advice? Should I dump her for good? Should I.... I dunno, send her chocolates? ) She's had six children, I would really love to have her advice available, but every time I ask her something, she turns it into a dig.

  I would accept her for who she is. She is far from perfect but if you want to have a relationship with her, I would learn to not expect very much from her. If you adjust your expectations you wont be as disappointed when she acts like a brat
  

  **** Formerly Snoflakes4eva****
  

  

  

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• AnnikaD20 member

  October 2015

  I have a Difficult Mother, so I have a few suggestions. With Difficult People in general, and especially with Difficult Parents, the best way to keep a relationship and also keep your sanity is to set really good boundaries. Decide how much you want her in your life, and your child's life. Skype once a month? Visit a few times a year? In her home/ your home or public places only? What situations bring out the least crappy version of her? If she gets unbearable after 4 hours, keep visits to 3 hours. If certain behavior is unacceptable to you (calling you names, picking at insecurities, ect.) decide in advance that you aren't going to put up with it, and tell her that you aren't going to engage with her when she does those behaviors. If she doesn't stop, then leave, hang up the phone, etc. And then next time you see her, try to just reset and start fresh, with the assumption that things will go ok this time.
  
  My mother is a nosy gossip, and I've learned how to shut down her invasive questions and only tell her things that I'm completely comfortable being 100% public knowledge. She has to be supervised when she comes to our home, cause she loves to rifle through our drawers and things looking for personal stuff, despite being told how inappropriate that is. We don't invite her over much. She was one of the last people to be told about my pregnancy, as backwards as it seems to people with normal mothers. I've left her house more than once when she went into sobbing martyr mode over nothing, cause I just can't even. If she wants help with something, she can ask nicely with her words and not throw a tantrum that puts my toddler to shame. Despite all that, she really loves her grandson and is pretty great with playing with him. So it's worth the work to find the least sucky way to keep her a regular part of our lives.
  
  If you someday come to the conclusion that it's not worth keeping your mother in your life at a certain level, that's ok. And it's ok to keep her away from your baby if you feel like the awful toxic behavior is overshadowing the good. At some point it's not healthy for your kids to be around that kind of stuff. As an extreme example, my best friend has a father with a drug problem, a very unstable personality (especially when he's high, which he usually is at family gatherings), and he's in and out of jail for repeatedly stealing things. He's not allowed anywhere near her child, and she has very limited contact with him for her own safety and sanity.
  

  DS1 12/30/13
  Miscarriage 3/15 at 10 weeks
  BFP 7/23/15 EDD 4/3/16
  

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• K&Elizabeth member

  October 2015

  I agree with PPs. Having a relationship with your mom doesn't have to be all or nothing. You'll need to find a balance where you're comfortable and the relationship is benefiting your child. I have a family member that I will only interact with in public places. We were incredibly close when I was younger, but her problems with alcohol are spiraling. She's in AA, but she is just too unpredictable for me to be comfortable for her to be near my children in close quarters. She's spent time with my daughter and I consider that a good enough relationship.
  
  Long story short, they don't have to best friends to have a meaningful relationship. Find the amount of contact that you're comfortable with and maybe her being more distant during your pregnancy isn't the worst thing.

  DD-10/3/12

  DS-4/14/16 

  http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/5b3802
  
  
  

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• kalanieileen member

  October 2015

  I love my mother but we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. She had me at an older age but with someone who wasn't committed to her, hence I've never met my biological sperm donor. I am 25, finished with school, found my career that I actually enjoy doing, and am having a somewhat planned pregnancy with my SO of 4 years. And she is still upset at the fact that I am having a child, because it doesn't fit in with what her plan for my future was. I'm not married, don't attend church like I used to, and according to her I am "living in sin." But that's just it, it's my future and I'll do with my life as I please. You honestly have to stop looking for approval and acceptance at one point in time, because you'll just keep racking your brain over and over on how to make the relationship better, when maybe this is as good as the relationship will ever be. I will always love and respect my mom, but I am at the point where I just don't care if she wants to be involved or not. You told your mom about your pregnancy, probably in the hopes of having some support, thus you gave her the opportunity. If she doesn't take it, then it's on her and not you and you can't keep trying to do things to see if she'll change. The older people get, the more set in their ways they become. So you just learn to deal and be happy about what you have going on in your life, because no one can take the joy away from you about growin a tiny human in your body right now. Stand your ground, and if you find her comments snarky and unacceptable let her know that you won't tolerate that. i've had it up to here *raises hand really high in the air* with people being snarky about my pregnancy, so biased as it is, my advice to you is "dgaf" . Always love your mom, but if she continues to be how she is, keep the relationship minimal until you *fingers crossed* see a change.

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• AGK2015 member

  October 2015

  Sorry you're going through this, OP.  It's tough when the most difficult relationship in your life is the one that should be the most supportive.  

  
  

  I've not been in your situation exactly, but I highly, highly, highly recommend the book The Dance Of Anger by Harriet Lerner, which really helped me a lot in dealing with a few damaging interpersonal relationships (and, consequently, with strengthening ones that were already god). I'm not big on self-help books, but this one provided some really good strategies for understanding and breaking toxic patterns with people in your family circle (partners, parents, siblings, etc).  A lot of the great advice above (letting go of expectations, setting good boundaries) can be tough to stick to when you're dealing with someone like your mom, and it's a book that gives you some great strategies for following through.

  
  

  Best of luck!

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• AmadorRose member

  October 2015

  It's very difficult to have a tumultuous relationship with your mother when you are young. While I am only 24, I've learned that, like PPs, we get along best with limited contact. I am in Texas and she is in Wisconsin; we talk once each week if I want to answer when she calls, otherwise I shoot her a text telling her that I'm busy but alive. I'm not concerned about relatives other than my siblings, who contact me themselves if something is wrong, so I don't need to talk endlessly. She's not a bad person, we are just very different; talking to her makes me mean, defensive, and an awful wife. Every time we speak, she encourages me to leave DH due to events from his childhood, issues from being deployed, and the fact that he is a different race. While I respect that these things are important to her, I don't agree.
  With that being said, I know I can trust her in my home and around my children; however, I will never rely on her completely because I don't agree with the things she says about her beliefs and I don't want them drilled into my children's heads. After I have this baby, she will be welcome to visit but her visit will be limited and I purposely won't have a spare bed for her and my dad to sleep in. With their bodies getting older, they won't be able to tolerate sleeping on an air mattress.
  How is your relationship with your MIL? I don't know mine incredibly well just yet, but I know enough to trust her and seek her advice if I want it. She and FIL will not only be welcomed but begged to stay for as long as possible. I realize not everyone is so lucky, but even if you can find a woman you work or go to school with who is a bit older and has children already I think you'll feel better.

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• Pinguinageddon member

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  @AmadorRose oh my dear Lord, my MIL is amazing. She treats me like her own, and I think she may honestly be more excited for this baby than even we are!
  Currently we live close to the MIL, (as I've said in past threads, my DH is from PR, where we are currently, but I *am* hoping to move back home at some point) but I'm worried that once we move back, it'll only be worse with my mother.

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• AmadorRose member

  October 2015

  @Pinguinageddon - having an awesome MIL is the best. I wish I could put a large body of water between myself and my mother, but no dice. I guess I hold on to a little hope that one day she will calm down and maybe we'll forge a real relationship.

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