Family history of late miscarriage

evalina88 · October 2015

Hello everyone,

Sorry to bring this up, I know it’s not a very positive story, but I’m worried and could really use some advice on how to deal with this.

My mom and her sister both had a late miscarriage at 22/23 weeks with their first pregnancies. They both underwent all kinds of tests and don't remember anything indicating a clotting disorder or cervical problem. Drs at the time did believe the demise was due to an insufficient placenta and problems with blood flow, but they thought it was one time bad luck.

They went on to have normal pregnancies, but I know that at least my mom took asprin as a preventative with me. Now, they don’t say it out loud, but I know they are worried. They don’t think what happened was bad luck and they seem concerned that it is something hereditary.. Yesterday my mom even called me and suggested I’d go in for a Doppler ultrasound to check bloodflow and the placenta.

They mean well, and I understand how this brings back a lot of trauma for them, but I’m really freaking out.. I’m 18 weeks and feel like I should start enjoying my pregnancy, but instead I’m worried more than ever about having some kind of blood clotting disorder or a problem with my placenta. I also haven't felt any movement yet, which could be due to my anterior placenta.

Any other ladies who have to deal with their mothers/aunts fears or such a family history? And any advice on how to deal with fear and anxiety… I know its not good for baby and I’m trying really hard to stay positive of course!

Thank you!

soxfan9968 · October 2015

Sorry you're not able to enjoy your pregnancy. Have you sat them down and let them know that they're causing you more stress? Their fears and their issues are something they have to deal with. Stand up for yourself and make it clear that you appreciate their concern but you need to be able to relax. If you're also concerned then i'd voice that concern with ob. Just in case, don't take aspirin without your doctor's permission.

Feeling baby can be affected by placenta placement. Anterior placenta provides an extra cushion between you and baby. My doc did tell me it may take me longer than most to feel baby move because of it.

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

I am a packaged deal of a twin set that my mom got through adoption. Up until my parents got us she had suffers endometriosis, IF & 6 miscarriages.

She has always been extremely supportive for me in my pregnancies (and losses). However, I can always tell that the announcement & first two trimesters are painful for her. The scars of loss never go away for any of us who've walked that dark path.

So I empathize with you about family members being anxious for you during your pregnancies. My mom is as well & so, we talk openly about our anxieties. That works for us, but it sounds like the sharing of anxieties does not work for you.

I would let her know when she worried openly that you will definitely bring it up to your doctor & if you feel anything is not right that you will be proactive. That validates her fears, anxieties & doesn't brush off her fears or make her feel like she's not helping.

The worry comes from a very deep, very painful place. Given that you are her baby & this is out of her control (and yours really)-- the best you can do is tell her whatever you have to gt her over that hump in the moment.

If it's creating anxiety for you maybe let her know that you are feeling emotional & that you would appreciate more attention to the positive aspects of your pregnancy rather than possible doom. For a woman who has experienced the soul crushing defeat of loss-- pregnancy is not a joyful thing at first glance. So it is hard for her to think positive first. However, it might help everyone's anxiety levels to focus on other aspects.

Hang in there. My thoughts are with you.

soxfan9968 · October 2015

@PrimRoseMama you always word these responses so eloquently! =D>

evalina88 · October 2015

Thanks, you are right... i should talk to her again about this. I did tell my mom yesterday, for the second time, that she is freaking me out and that there is no reason to believe that this will happen to me, like some bad family curse. But the damage has been done. One story about her returning her stroller after the miscarriage (her reactiont to me telling her i'm waiting with buying baby stuff) and now this out of the blue ultrasound suggestion.. and im a ball of nerves.

I told my ob/gyn about my concerns at my last check up and she basically said that these things are not hereditary, unless there has been a diagnosis of certain kinds of clotting disorders/trombosis (which she claims, could not have gone undiagnosed for +-60 years in my moms/aunts life). I'm from the Netherlands and when i told her about aspirin she said it wouldn't help me, claiming that it is harmful to take it without any medicial indication. So not on aspirin!

PrimRoseMama · October 2015

soxfan9968 said:
@PrimRoseMama you always word these responses so eloquently! =D>

Thank you. I'm pretty blunt a lot of the time & I can be a meanie head occasionally, but I've got a warm fuzzy interior. ;;)

evalina88 · October 2015

Wow @PrimRoseMoma thank you for your reply.. you describe this situation so well. It really is such a painful situation because after 28 years I can still feel how much she's hurting, but at the same time that terrifies me because i don't want to go through this myself and I almost rather had her not tell me anything about this (I know, it is selfish).

Focusing on more positive aspects is a good idea. I love getting her advice on stuff, like cloth diapering and breastfeeding, and will try to involve her even more. In two weeks she is joining me for the anatomy scan, hopefuly all will be ok, an maybe then we can have a more open , les anxiety ridden, conversation about this..

(ps: english is not my native language.. I wish i could describe my feelings very eloquently as well

)

paytonpedro · October 2015

All of the above, plus I would also bring these concerns to you dr so maybe he/she can give you some peace of mind, if you haven't already. I'm only going to guess here because I know when I was born technology was ok but not how it is today, and say that if everything is going good so far and your dr isn't concerned or hasn't voiced any concerns, that that is probably a good thing. Good luck with everything!

celainev · October 2015

My mother never experienced a loss, but I am surprised at how she is so quick to think something is wrong! She is so concerned for her first little grand baby's life, it's sweet... But I understand how it makes you terrified when your own mother is terrified.

I don't think there is much you can do to change your mom's fears. Fears are so much deeper than a conversation will fix. Just work on your own fears and try to focus on the fact that your LO is healthy. Be a mom that calls your doctor all the time! That's okay! As long as you keep your stress as low as possible. Keep some peace of mind. ❤️

KateLouise · October 2015

My Mum lost a baby at 8mths, over 50 years ago. It still obviously causes her a lot of pain, but equally is of the generation where these things are best not talked about.

When I was pregnant with my first, and starting to shop for things, my Mum would say things like, "you really shouldn't buy things because anything could happen." She really sucked the joy out of things for me for a while, even though I understood that she was trying to prevent me the pain of having a full nursery and no baby.

One day, when we were in a shop, I was around 24 weeks and umming and ahhing over a singlet (the first thing I had bought) and she started in on, "anything can happen..." I said to her, "I know anything can happen, but if the worst happened, I really don't think having some baby things would make it any better or worse, because some things are horrendous no matter what."

She backed off after that, and never said anything about it again.

I was a bit snippy with Mum, and I regret that, because I don't think it gave her an avenue to talk about her own pain, it just shut her up and stopped her raining on my parade. So I would suggest talking to her at a time and place, that allows you to acknowledge her pain, whilst also asking for what you need.

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