Missing friends wedding...

wellinaustin · October 2015

So my due date is 10 days from one of my best friends weddings (in which I'm a bridesmaid) which also happens to be a four hour flight away. Needless to say, I won't be able to attend. I'll be attending the Bachelorette party and have done a bit of help with planning, but this is going to absolutely break her heart! She's already bumming because a few of her bridesmaids already have children and won't be attending her Bachelorette party because they don't want to be away from their new babies (one baby would be 9 months and the other would be 12 months by the time we actually go away for a weekend) and she's having a hard time understanding that. I don't fully blame her, but to each their own.

Has anyone had this type of issue? How did you deal with it? How did your friend take it? Any advice? If I go 2-3 weeks early there is a chance that I could fly in for the day of the wedding and spend one evening away from my future baby, but I'm not honestly making any promises on that front because it could just get her hopes up and there are no guarantees when it comes to birth!

BuzzBee614 · October 2015

Ehhh this is so tough. It is kind of one of those things I don't think women really "get" until they are a mom in terms of the women not wanting to leave their babies. I skipped a few things because I didn't want to be away from my baby. When DD was 10 months I had to go away for two nights for a bachelorette party and had panic attacks about it and really did not have a great time. Do people use kids as their excuse for not wanting to do something? Hell yeah. But, these women also could really feel awful about having to leave their babies. I know I did.

In terms of your predicament, I truly hope your friend is understanding that there is no way you could make any guarentees and need to back out. I also would have NEVER in a million years been able to leave my infant. That's just me, and some people are totally fine with it and that's great, but be prepared that that feeling could happen to you.

If she is a good friend she will be sad, but will be excited for you at the same time and understanding of the situation. I know I would never begrudge a friend for being pregnant or having an infant and taking care of her family.

A special homemade gift or something really cute and heartfelt might help with having you there in spirit.

benicode · October 2015

As a bride, one of my bridesmaids and good friends was very late in her pregnancy - she ended up giving birth 12 days after the wedding - and was advised not to travel because she was high risk. I totally understood and would never of thought of getting upset or angry at her being unable to attend. You have to have your priorities, and if she is one of your best friends, she should understand.

thismakes4 · October 2015

Oh man, I'm in the same exact situation. I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding in May... And it's a 12 hour drive... So I won't be able to make it either. I completely agree with @BuzzBee614 they should understand. I hope everything works out great! Good luck

wellinaustin · October 2015

@thismakes4 - did you tell her yet? how did you go about it? :-/

I'm wondering if I just tell her I'm pregnant first and see how she reacts and if she knows what that means and go from there?

mrstmoose · October 2015

I would be completely honest and tell her when your due date is. Even if you were to go into labor early, I doubt you will want to make that trip with a newborn.

My BIL is getting married 13 days after I am due but he lives in the same area as we do. Needless to say, it definitely won't be a late night for us, even though DH is the best man. Just how life works. I know they will understand that we have to take care of our newborn.

thismakes4 · October 2015

No, I actually haven't told her yet... I'm waiting for my ultrasound to see how everything is going first. It's hard to have a conversation in person because of the distance but I'm hoping that I can still help and be supportive. And I might end up having a similar conversation with her by telling her I'm pregnant and go from there.

wellinaustin · October 2015

thanks ladies for all your responses!

@thismakes4 - me too! ultra sound is next week and then we will probably tell immediate family. I may wait even a few more weeks to tell her and close friends as I just want to be more sure that everything is going well before upsetting her if I can.

camillaandcarson · October 2015

That is a hard situation, but all you can do is just be honest. As a real friend I am sure she will totally understand.

She probably will never understand why moms don't want to leave their babies until she is a mom herself.
There are so many different variables involved.
In that situation with those age of babies if we were super close I would probably fly to the party with my little family, have DH stay with baby in the hotel, and only be a gone a limited amount of the night. It definitely would be a huge expense, wouldn't be for me or my family but rather for her and celebrating her special day.

vinerie · October 2015

Aw, that is tough! I'm not in that situation, but I can empathize having just got married. We had someone cancel at the last minute (literally just did not get on the plane) because they decided they didn't want to be away from their baby. It was hard to understand at the time, I will admit.

I like BuzzBee614's idea of a special gift, possibly homemade. Something from the heart would go a long way toward making your friend feel special on her special day. The people who just up and didn't come to our wedding didn't send us anything--not even a card with well wishes and I have to admit, it's left a sour taste in my mouth. Your situation is a bit different in that you literally won't be able to fly, and as your friend, I suspect she'll understand!

mrstmoose · October 2015

This goes along with what @vinerie and @BuzzBee614 are saying but what about offering to purchase her garter or the cake topper? Something small but something she would definitely see and think of you on her special day to know that you care?

eta: if it's a dumb idea, please disregard!

swflJD · October 2015

I was almost in your position. My best friend is getting married in Las Vegas in March, and I live in Florida. I will be 34 weeks, so my doctor said that probably needs to be my last out of state trip before delivery. When I told my friend, she immediately said she would understand if I couldn't make it. I still plan on going, as long as the baby and I are both doing well at that time, but it was nice to know she understood if I couldn't make it. If this is one of your best friends, I am sure she knows you would be there if you could.

That being said, I know your not being there will be hard on both of you, so I like the previous posters' ideas about getting her a special gift she could use on her wedding day and think of you. Or, if you have a special piece of jewelry or something, maybe her "something borrowed" or could come from you.

lest12 · October 2015

It's a really crappy position to be in, but hopefully she will understand.

I would tell her as soon as possible though, so she can rearrange any planning she may need to do.

Not the same situation, but my sister got married 3 months after I had DS. It was a little tricky. There were certain things I couldn't do (I didn't feel comfortable on an overnight bachelorette party at 3 months) but we worked it out. Luckily she was understanding but it can definitely be tough!

wellinaustin · October 2015

Thanks everyone! Yes, for her additional or special gift for me not attending I'm actually hosting and planning her bachelorette party. Maybe I'll look into something special one of the other bridesmaids can give her day of. I have a friend who owns a photobooth who may be able to hook me up! It's so tough, but I guess there is only so much I can do!

wamam027 · October 2015

I was in this exact circumstance, granted my friends wedding was going to be June 25 and my due date is May 6. I had already agreed to being a bridesmaid before we found out I was pregnant. I told my friend I was pregnant and she was absolutely elated for my husband and I, yet asked if I'd be able to make the wedding. Initially I told her I'd do whatever I could to make it, yet as time went on and I thought of the fact that I'd have to make a four hour flight with a 6 week old baby (IF all went well and the baby came early or on time, and IF I didn't wind up being late or having to have a csection, the possibilities are endless and unfortunately, you won't know how things will play out until they happen! She told me she'd be elated if I managed to make it but completely understands that it wouldn't be ideal to travel with such a young baby and with me still recovering no matter how I deliver. She joked and said that I could be a Skype bridesmaid and has made sure I will be included in all activities for the wedding and prior to the wedding and has told me that we will figure it out. As my best friend, she was totally more stoked about us expecting a baby and way less concerned about her bridal party potentially having one less bridesmaid. It throws a wrench into things, but as a friend who is also experiencing such an exciting step in life like marriage, she should totally be understanding and elated that your life is taking another exciting step as well!

buffythevampireslayer · October 2015

@wellinaustin I am dealing with the exact same scenario. My due date is May 16th and one of my very best friends is getting married on June 4th so I will not be able to attend. I was also supposed to be a bridesmaid. At first I tried to think of ways to make it work but I realized it just isn't worth it.

I waited until my first us to tell her I was pregnant because I wanted to at least hear that everything looked good, but still made it clear that it is early in the pregnancy. I was so nervous about telling her and thought she would be so upset, but I was wrong! She was wonderful and so excited for me. She basically said a baby is more important and she knows that if there were any way I could be there I would. So basically it was way worse in my head than it was in real life.

wellinaustin · October 2015

it's so great to hear all these stories from other women! makes me feel better!

I still feel guilty because we knew that trying in September would lead to this happening and I fear she will think the same thing. My husband is a groomsmen in another wedding in the fall and we decided we couldn't put our life on hold for all the weddings we have coming up. Especially because it would mean not getting pregnant for at least 3 months per wedding. You also just can't predict how pregnancy will go so nothing's a guarantee. It's so hard when we live a four hour plane ride from home!

joemunson · October 2015

During my last pregnancy I had HG so bad that I actually had to go to the hospital the same day as one of my best friends' weddings. I just told her what was up and she was so worried for me and was not mad at all. I think any true friend will be able to see that you have a real reason for not wanting to go.
Offer to take her to lunch as a newlywed when she gets back from her honeymoon so you two can dish about how different life is!

mrstmoose · October 2015

@wellinaustin you said it yourself, if we planned TTC around everyone else's lives, there would never be a "good time." My ILs will probably have whiplash with having a new grandbaby and a wedding all in 2 weeks but they will be ecstatic. And it's just how life works out!

gorgeousariel · October 2015

** not hijacking the thread**

@mrstmoose My sister and I got married 2 weeks apart. I felt so bad for my Dad.And everyone was comparing our weddings (ours was better..lol)

@wellinaustin I would tell her and explain that you respect her request of no children. Let her know as much as you want to be there, it really isn't possible- unless you go with the babysitter at nearby hotel. She'll understand or be willing to compromise.

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